AU Note: Hey guys. This chapter is a bit longer…there is some language but nothing more than that really. Its starting to develop slowly :P but I promise more details etc. are coming.

Day of Reckoning: a Sweet Surrender

Chapter 5: A Lovers' Quarrel Revealed

POV: Buffy

I ended up taking an hour upstairs to shower and calm my nerves over being around Angel again. Last night was easy, I was in pain, and well reality of the situation didn't set in until I decided to come down the stairs earlier. Seeing his whole team there just reminded me that he has a life in LA now…a life that I'm not a part of, and when this is all over, he will be going back to that life and leaving me behind once again.

Walking into the main room gave me an intense blast from the past, almost. I remember the days when I would walk into the library to see Willow and Giles researching while Xander and Cordelia fought, as I waited for Angel, and then I look up at the group here and now and it's almost like a slap in the face. There is no Willow, Xander, or Giles and Angel isn't mine.

POV: Angel/Angelus

I could feel Buffy coming down the stairs after her shower. I was a little hurt at what she had said earlier, but I guess I sort of understand where she is coming from.

Duh genius, you left her… how did you expect her to react?

I look over my shoulder when I notice she has stopped dead at the doorway, a faraway look in her eyes.

What is she doing?

How should I know? I watched her closely as she took in the group sitting in the living room, then with a slight sigh and a drop of her shoulders she walked over to the table and grabbed a book. I took my time examining the group, attempting to figure out what caused the dejected look in her eyes and I noticed that none of her friends were here. Xander, Willow or even Giles had no idea what had happened to her last night and none of them had called to see if she was okay.

POV: Buffy

"So Buffy, how's life?"

Well that's a loaded question Cordy. "Not too bad, just been busy slaying and with school. What about you?"

"Just work and well dating…you know the kind of stuff that most girls go through right now."

I attempted to hide my reaction to what she said. "Yeah, I know what you mean."

"Buffy could we talk in private?"

I guess I didn't hide it that well. "Sure Cordy."

We ended up in one of the spare bedrooms…I'm assuming the one Cordelia had claimed as her own, what with all the clothes strewn about the place.

"Come sit."

I sank down into the bed, and waited for her to tell me what she wanted to talk about.

"So Buffy, where's the group?"

Okay, so not what I was expecting.

"Uhm, Willow is at uh…"

"Don't lie to me either."

I didn't know what to say…she just figured me out within seconds. I started to tell her my next lie when I saw the look in here eyes; it wasn't one of pity just understanding. At the moment I realized that Cordy was offering to be my shoulder.

"Honestly Cordy? I have no clue."

"What do you mean?"

"I haven't really hung out with Willow since last weekend and that was for a double date that I didn't even want to go on; and Xander, I haven't heard from him in about a month…he's been so busy with Anya and his job that it's like he just forgot about me."

I could feel the tears slide down my cheeks and she handed me a tissue.

"What about Giles?"

"Well he used to ask me to check in with him every day…now I'm lucky if I talk to him once a week. Everything just got so screwed up over the past few months and I don't know what to do anymore."

"Explain everything."

"I mean that nothing is the same. Its like everyone has just forgotten about me, I have no one to talk to, I'm doing everything on my own and its hard and just ever since... uhm ever since…"

"Since Angel left?"

She looked at me with a knowing look. I looked down at my lap as I felt myself nod, the tears rushing out of my eyes.

"He left me Cordy to have a better life, and now I'm all alone. Everyone just left me. They all expected me to be over him by now and I just I can't tell them that I'm not because they don't get it…and then they push me to get over him and it hurts because they don't know that I can never get over him. He's everything to me and whether he loves me or not anymore I still need him. Angel made me feel loved and special…normal. To him, I wasn't the girl who fights bad guys, I wasn't the rebelling daughter, I was just Buffy. He let me be myself and he loved me for that. He was my rock. With him, I knew there was someone who worried about me because he worried about me, not if I don't survive who will fight, or who will protect him …he just wanted me safe. I would do anything for him, he made life worth living. Without him, I don't know how to breathe. Everything just hurts all the time. Last night when I got stabbed, I thought I was going to die and I was happy, because I realized I don't want to live a life without him…I can't. I would give up everything to be with him, just to be near him and he never understood that. He always thought he wasn't enough for me, and that in the future I'm going to want all this normal stuff like sunshine but I don't. He doesn't understand that being the slayer involves the dark. I live in the dark, my life consists of nightmares and he brought light into it. Before I met him I hated that I had this future that turned people away from me, I hated who I was. He gave me confidence, love, and happiness and then he took it all away from me. I can't breathe Cordy, I feel like I'm dying a little more each day…I couldn't even go to the movies with out crying because that was our last date."

By now I was a blubbering mess, it hurt so much.

"Oh Buffy."

"I…I have to learn though…he's not coming back, he made a life for himself that I'm not apart of, and I have to accept that. I may need him but I can learn to live with it."

"Learn to live with it, or exist with it?"

She shot me a knowing look. I swallowed har before answering.

"Does it really matter? I'll exist…I've been doing it for the last few months, and no I won't learn to live with it because a life with out him isn't worth living; but my feelings don't matter, what matters is those people out there who have love and have families and friends and for as long as I can go…I'll make sure they get to keep what they have, but me? No, I don't matter."

Cordy sat with me for a little while longer, before saying she was going to go help research some more. I know I should be helping but I just I can't face him or his new life right now…it just hurts.

POV: Angel/Angelus

When Cordy took Buffy upstairs, I was hoping maybe she could find out what has been going on. I could feel Buffy's soul in pain and mine screamed out for her…to comfort her, but I knew I wasn't the one who she needed right now.

I immediately looked to the doorway when I heard Cordelia come down the stairs. She looked sad and angry at the same time, but I was more concerned about my mate …

"Angel?"

"Yeah Cordy?"

"Can I talk to you for a moment?"

"Uhm sure."

"You are an idiot!" She whispered harshly.

Excuse me? "Cordy?"

"How could you leave that poor girl?"

"Cordy, you know this already."

"Yeah I know this already, but how could you?"

"I don't follow."

"Did you ever ask her what she wanted?"

No.

Shut up. "Cordy, I had t…"

"You didn't?" She screeched.

"Please keep your voice down."

"I'm sorry Angel but what you did, whether you think it was the right thing or not, you had no right to make that decision with out her. She is not a child Angel, she risks her life every night and puts herself last to everyone…I think she can decide what she needs."

"I know."

"You need to fix it."

"But the cur…"

"Don't use that line on me Angel! Leave me and Wesley to figure that out."

"Cordy…where do I start?"

"You start by helping her talk to Giles."

What about English?

"Giles?"

"Angel, everyone left her…she has no one and as much as she needs you, Giles is like her Dad. She has to talk to him."

You idiot!

POV: Buffy

After an extra while upstairs I felt a little better. Talking to Cordy definitely helped, it was nice to have someone to talk to, even if they weren't really close. I'm terrified to go back down and face Angel, it hurt when he was gone but now, seeing him face to face again, it just, well, it hurts worse; but I have to suck it up…just take a deep breath Buffy and pack away all those issues until your alone.

I don't know what I was expecting when I came into the room but what I saw was definitely not it.

"Giles?"

"Buffy, dear."

What is he doing here? "Uhm, what are you doing here Giles?"

"Well I got a phone call from Angel saying something rather big was happening and that my expertise could be needed."

I can't help but look over at Angel with a part worried part confused look. He just smiled softly and nodded his head towards Giles.

"Okay, well all we know so far is tha…"

"Buffy? I do apologize for interrupting but may we talk in private for a moment?"

What is with everyone wanting to talk privately? "Uhm…sure."

I followed Giles into the kitchen and proceeded to take a seat on one of the three stools. He sat down as well and started to clean his glasses…he was nervous.

"I received a rather interesting phone call earlier and I'm sure without it, I would never say this but I…I wanted to apologize Buffy for everything I've done wrong by you…"

"What? Giles you haven…"

"Yes Buffy, I have and it pains me greatly to realize how much I have failed you. You are my Slayer, which indeed comes with a great deal of responsibility, but first and foremost, you are my daughter, blood related or not; and I must admit that I have failed you. As my Slayer, I should have had more respect for your choices and as a father I should have had more faith in you decisions. I never did like the idea of Angel…"

"Giles…"

"Please Buffy, let me finish. As I was saying, I never did like the idea of Angel but I did have faith that you would make the right choice, but when Angelus was released, I needed to place blame on someone for what had happened and, even though I never intentionally held you responsible, I did Angel, and with that it was like I was blaming you…I see that now. I never wanted to hurt you, but by trying to protect you I caused you more pain than I ever thought possible. I let my hatred for a demon cloud my vision of the love you two hold for each other."

"Held Giles, held."

"No Buffy just from my earlier phone call and the few short minutes spent in the other room with the two of you, I can see how much you both care for each other. A love like that doesn't just go away. After Angelus' release, it was next to impossible for me to tell the difference between the demon and the soul. So I punished Angel and you instead of coming to terms with what Angelus had did and seeing Angel as the victim he was, and I looked down on you because you still loved him and brought him back into my life…but what I didn't realize was that you could always tell; that your love for the soul outshined the hatred for the demon and that Angel was never the bad guy."

I couldn't help but tear up with what he was saying. He finally understood.

"I have seen you the past few months Buffy, since Angel left…and rather than admit to myself that you were hurting, I hid, I didn't want to accept but…you need him Buffy just as much as he needs you and I want to apologize for not having confidence in your Slayer instincts towards the vampire, and not having faith in your love for the man. I hope you can forgive me Buffy, and I do promise to stand behind you what ever your future decisions may be because I...I do love you child."

I did the only thing I could; I hugged him and whispered my forgiveness.

POV: Angel/Angelus

I watched their backs retreat in the kitchen. I could sense Buffy's dread when she saw Giles standing there waiting for her but I had to have faith that this would help her. I waited anxiously for their return, praying that everything would work out okay between them, because as much as I may not like how Buffy has been treated lately, she looks up to Giles…he's her father. I sensed her before I could see her, she was sad but she looked as if a huge weight has been lifted of her shoulders. She looked up at me then, smiling softly and mouthing a tiny 'thank you'. My heart felt as if it would burst at that small gesture. That was the first real sign that my Buffy was still in there somewhere.

Of course she is!

You know what I mean.

She just …She is, she has to be there somewhere.

She is.

POV: Buffy

It's weird. I haven't felt this content and happy for so long, and all that happened was I talked to Giles…I guess that explains it though. He finally understood that Angel, he's not the demon. Angelus may have been wearing his face but my Angel was not apart of that; he was just as much a victim as we all were. I know it's going to hurt more when he leaves but I can't help but stand a little closer to him, or smile at him every so often. He just makes me feel light and free…just safe. It is almost like he never left well except with the no kissing or touching part.

We continued to research well into the night, with only breaks to eat and what not. Everyone was working so hard…even Cordelia. I could feel the weariness of the group start to settle in when we had been reading for over 7 hours and still had nothing. The group slowly got smaller and smaller as they all started to go to bed, until there were only two people left. Angel and me. I could feel his eyes on me every so often and tried to ignore it but I could feel my body start to react. I broke out into small shivers as he eventually whispered my name.

"Buffy?"

I swallowed hard and raised my eyes to his and was shocked at the pain I saw in them.

"Angel?"

"I uhm, I just…"

"What is it?" I couldn't help but be a little scared and concerned at the same time, Angel was never at a loss for words.

POV: Angel/Angelus

I took a deep unneeded breath and looked down at my hands as I whispered my apology.

"What?"

I looked up at her confused eyes as I stated it once more time, much more clearly.

POV: Buffy

"I'm sorry."

I looked at him closely as I felt a slight surge of anger along with a huge wave of sadness.

"You're… sorry?"

He nodded then looked back up at me.

"Can I explain?"

I wasn't sure what my answer was until after he started talking again.

"Buffy, I need you to know that I never wanted to leave you."

I was about to reply when he held up his hand, and continued talking.

"Please, at the time I did leave for very valid reasons. I felt I had to make the choice for both of us because I wasn't sure you could be rational about it."

"Rational?"

"No, I mean…Buffy I have lived a long time but I have never had to consider other people before. After I came back from hell, everything was so confusing. I knew I loved you more than life itself but we weren't the same. I know I did a lot of damage befo…"

"No Angel, Angelus did. You weren't a part of that."

"Ok. I know Angelus did a lot of damage before but that wasn't what was causing our distance. I just wanted to be close to you but I had to be strong for both of us. I knew if things went too far we wouldn't be able to stop and I couldn't bring that pain to you ever again. It was hard Buffy, being around you and not being able to touch you, kiss you, and hold you like I wanted to but we were dealing. Then after what the mayor had said, I started to think. I know he was a demon who was trying to break us but he had valid points. You are going to grow older Buffy and I never will, I can't go into the sunlight with you and I can't give you children…I can't give you the life you truly deserve."

"Angel, I already know all this…remember our oh so wonderful sewer talk right before prom?" I couldn't take hearing his excuses again, I felt like my heart was breaking all over again.

"No Buffy, you have to hear this. I wasn't sure what was going to happen after what the Mayor said because I didn't want to be a burden…but when your mom came to talk to me one day…"

"My MOM?"

"Buffy, sshh."

I know I was being loud but my mom went and talked to my boyfriend without telling me.

"Yes Buffy, your mom came to talk to me, and she made it pretty clear what she thought of us together and what she thought of me. She also raised some valid points, like that you're young and have a whole life ahead of you and to be tied to something that can only live in the dark just, well, wasn't fair to you and that I might have to be the one to make the decision for what was best."

"Angel I'm the slayer, I don't have my whole life ahead of me…Wait…you listened to my mom over me?" I felt so betrayed…everyone who was supposed to be supportive and be there for me all abandoned me and went behind my back.

"Buffy, I did listen to what your mom had to say but not the way you think. What she said was right and true but I didn't leave because of her."

"Then why did you leave…"

POV: Angel/Angelus

"Then why did you leave? Was I not good enough…did you not want to be with me anymore?"

I looked into her soft hazel eyes that were heavy with sadness. I caused this and it hurt more than Hell. I broke this girl, this strong, intelligent, beautiful woman because of my insecurities.

"No baby…no you were perfect and I wanted to be with you so much."

"Then why?"

She sounded so lost and lonely. I wrapped my arms around her as I kissed her head, praying that she didn't hate me.

"Because love, I…I…"

She raised her hand to my cheek and looked and me with understanding and trust; her eyes glassy with unshed tears.

"You can tell me…please Angel, I need to know."

"I left because I…I couldn't stand if you resented me later. My heart couldn't take the pain of you hating me just because I loved you." I whispered brokenly.

I could feel her tears start to spill over as she tried to hold back sobs. My arms tightened around her middle when I felt her start to pull away.

"Angel…let me go."

I shook my head. She pulled harder.

"Please Angel, let go of me."

POV: Buffy

I felt his arms slowly slip from around my waist as I stood up…I just couldn't be that close to him when I knew why he left. I felt like I was going to be sick.

"Buffy…"

"No Angel…just please stop." I took a few deep breaths as I paced back and fourth in front of the table, trying to understand.

"Are you telling me you left because you thought that I might leave you… later?"

"Yes."

"Are you serious? Did you not have faith that I would continue to love you? Did you not believe me when I said I love you…or how about when I told you that you are all I see now and in the future? Did you ever believe me?"

"Buffy…"

"No! You broke my heart because of something that might or might not happen 30 years from now…if we are lucky? Angel do you not realize how much you meant to me – hell even still do? God, you're my life, I need you so much it hurts. When you aren't here its hard to breathe. My life is nothing without you Angel. You leaving nearly killed me."

"Buffy, you don't understand…"

"No, you don't understand, is it so hard for you to believe that someone might actually want you, care for you - need you?"

"Yes! Okay? Yes it is hard to believe that someone like you, that's so pure and perfect, could need me."

"Damn it Angel! You have to stop putting me on a goddamn pedestal all the time! I am not perfect! I have flaws, I make mistakes, you are not the only one who has a bad past Angel, sure yours isn't great and is much longer than anyone else's but when are you going to realize that I fell in love with your soul; a selfless man…yes Angel a man not monster; who puts everyone else first, a man who wants to be someone, a man who wants to take the burden from everyone else just to spare them even a fraction of pain…a man who fell in love with me – not the slayer but Buffy. A Girl who sucks at school work, loves dancing, and has a weird nose. Angel you make life good, bearable. My life is in the shadows, and even with all the freaky things that go on, you make me feel normal…like a girl who can do anything. The reason I fight Angel, is because of you. You give me something to look forward to in a world full of pain and despair. When are you going to understand that I'm the one not worthy of your love Angel… not the other way around."

POV: Angel/Angelus

I was speechless.

"Beloved, why would you not be worthy?"

POV: Buffy

"Because Angel, you're strong, you want to take care of everyone; you want to protect them from everything they don't even know exist. No one gave you that job, you took it upon yourself so they could live a life that you were denied, and you did that with all the guilt of another on your shoulders."

"Because of you."

He whispered it so quietly that if I wasn't standing right near him I wouldn't have caught it.

"What?"

"Because of you Buffy – I did all of this to make you proud, to make me worthy of you. If it wasn't for you I'd probably be wasting away in an alley still."

"I don't believe that. I think you would have done all this with or without me."

"You have too much faith in me."

"No Angel, not faith, trust. I know what type of person you are, you are a good man."

"Buffy."

I'm not sure how it happened, but the next thing I knew our lips were meeting in a gentle caress. His cool lips brushed against mine before gently sliding his tongue along the seam. I instantly moaned, opening my mouth to his questing tongue. He roamed my mouth a few times before slowly pulling back, nipping my lower lip along the way.

"I'm so sorry Buffy. I ran because I was scared and weak, because I couldn't take you resenting me."

"Shh Angel."

"But it was wrong. I should have talked with you, told you about your Mom…"

"Angel, please stop saying sorry."

"I will make it up to you Buffy."

POV: Angel/Angelus

Just as we were moving in to continue our kiss, the rest of the group came downstairs.

"God, I can't wait to get back to L.A and sleep in my own bed…"

As soon as Cordelia started to speak, I felt Buffy tense beside me.

"Buffy?"

"Huh? Oh , uhm you know I think I should go do a few sweeps, make sure everything is uhm of the norm."

I noticed Giles' look of concern as he turned to Buffy.

"You sure you're okay to go out already Buffy?"

"I'm fine guys, Slayer healing and all…I'll be back."

Oohh, lets go with soul-boy, maybe get in a few gropes while we're there…I mean come on, Buff and us all alone in a graveyard…it could lead to many great and wonderful things.

"I can com…"

"No!"

What?

What?

"Uhm…I mean its fine Angel, stay, we need all the dirt on what's going down, like I said, I'll be fine."

What just happened?

What do you think just happened?

I don't know! We were kissing one minute and then…

Queen C is what happened!

What?

My God – She mentioned L.A. you stupid ass pansy! You just promised her you'd make that major fuck-up, up to her and then she's reminded that you're here for work!

Oh god.

More like 'stupid bitch'... hurting my mate like that.

I could feel Angelus' growl bubbling up in my chest towards Cordelia's blind insensitivity.

"Angel? Is everything okay?"

"No Wes, its not – I finally talked to Buffy and told, no promised I would fix things and then she was just reminded I'm only here to help fight."

"Oh."

"Oh my."

"What and who reminded her of that?"

Can she be any more stupid…I mean she's not even blonde.

"You did Cordelia."

"What? Giles, I …oh god, I am so sorry Angel."

"Its fine but I have to go after her."

"No Angel."

What?

"What? But Wes…"

"No, Wesley is right Angel. She needs to be by herself to figure out her feelings. If you go now, it will only cause more difficulties for the both of you."

They better be right or there will be two dead Englishmen tomorrow morning.

For once we both agree.

POV: Buffy

God, I am so incredibly stupid! What did I think was going to happen…we were going to talk, he'd proclaim his never ending love, we'd kiss then he would stay with me forever? Oh god…I kissed him! What was I thinking? I knew I should've kept my distance; instead it's just going to hurt more when he leaves…back to his new life, in L.A., the life that I'm not apart of. God it hurts just thinking that. I walked around for hours, my mind running rampant. As much as I hate it, I'm going to have to keep a safe amount of space between us…