I AM SO SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG.
So before I give you the chapter, I'm going to go on a tangent for a few minutes, you're welcome to join me, but if not, you can just skip ahead to where the chapter starts. I'll never know.
Anyway. I was watching Batman Forever today, and OH MY GOD. So ridiculous. Like, what was that? What was that thing I was watching? Harvey? And Eddie? Cooperating? WHAT? I know, it's my own characterization that's wrong and I made it up, but still. It's weird to see, since I write it this way so much, it's become the way I see it.
And that Two Face suit. Ay ay ay.
But. That aside.
Here's another chapter of THE ARKHAM CHRONICLES (it's late, I'm tired, I get over excited when I'm tired, it's weird. Don't judge me).
"Riddle me this."
"Humor him." Crane muttered under his breath to Harvey, whose face was screaming murder as he started at the Riddler. "He hasn't been taking his meds."
"Fine. What?"
"Where are we going?"
"Eddie, if I knew, I'd tell ya myself," Harley sighed.
The six villains were in an Arkham patients transport vehicle, headed to god knows where. All the nurse had said was that they were going on a team building exercise field trip. No one seemed to know what exactly that was, save for the attending nurse.
They had been traveling for what felt like days, but was only ten hours.
"Oh, you'll be so excited when we get there." she smiled. "Batman himself suggested it."
Nigma thought about that, and remembered that the last time Batman had suggested anything in the workings of Arkham, Crane had gone crazy and broke everyone out.
So his prospects were high.
Meanwhile, the Joker was fast asleep, and snoring rather loudly. Ivy, who was sitting next to him, wore a look of utter disgust.
"How can you stand this?" she asked Harley, who was petting the Joker's head.
"I love everythin' about Mistah J." she smiled simply. Ivy gagged.
"Okay, we're here!" the nurse cried happily as the truck came to a halt. As they all climbed out the back, they looked around to see if they could figure out where they were.
"Riddle me this."
"I'm going to kill you."
"Mistah J, wake up, we're here."
"Where are you when there's a giant castle, people dressed up as mice and princesses, and a scary looking roller coaster?"
"Oh god..." Crane rolled his eyes. He shot a look at the nurse, who was beside herself with excitement. "Are we in Disney?"
"YES!" she cried. "And we're all going to participate in activities that will create bonds, and tie you all together so you can..."
"Yeah yeah." the Joker yawned, stretching. "We know."
After a good hour of waiting in line to get into the park, they all gathered in front of a large fountain in the entrance.
"I hate this place." Crane muttered. "The happiest place on Earth? Look at this place. It's not happy. It's borderline demonic."
"Oh, lighten up Jonny." Harley smiled, taking a bucket of popcorn from a passing stranger. "We can go on the Tower of Terror. You like scary things, right?"
"I don't like being scared." he sniffed. "I just enjoy the fright of others."
"Figures." Harvey muttered. "Can we go on some big roller coasters? The coin says I want to go on Space Mountain. I tried to argue with it, but there's no arguing with the coin. He's always right."
"There will be plenty of time for rides later." the nurse said, inspecting a map. "First, we're heading over to bumper cars."
"WHAT?" Crane shrieked. "Even I know that's not fun."
"I'll explain everything once we get there." the nurse said, and she began to walk. Everyone followed her, some more reluctantly than others.
"I love it here." Ivy smiled, in one of her very rare good moods, that could only be brought about by sunlight. "It's so bright and warm. Not like Gotham."
"Then why do you live there?" Nigma asked. "Riddle me that."
"Why do any of us live there?" she retorted. "Of all the cities we could live in, with all of their superheroes and their superpowers, I picked the one with the vigilante with no powers."
"And look how that turned out."
"I didn't say it was smart." she grumbled. "Believe me, if I could just pick up and move to Metropolis, I would."
"And I would be forever grateful." the Joker smiled. Ivy scowled at him, and he laughed softly.
"Stop antagonisn' her." Harley admonished. "It never works out good for you."
"Shoulda coulda woulda." he shrugged.
"And here we are." the nurse said, taking them over to the bumper cars. "I want you to all pair up...with someone you don't like."
"So many choices..." Crane muttered, looking at all of the people standing around him. Everyone scowled back at him.
"The coin said I had to pick you, nerd." Harvey said, standing over Crane, who shrugged.
"Just as well. I like you just as much as anyone else here."
"I have a question!" Harley raised her hand. "I like everyone. What do I do?"
"Who doesn't like Harley?" the nurse sighed, looking at the group. Nigma thought about this question, and wondered if it was really a good thing to ask. It was sort of a sore subject to be bringing about the inmates, if you thought about it.
But no one raised their hands.
"She's annoying, sure." Harvey shrugged. "But she's freakin hot. I can't dislike her on principle."
"She may be irritating, but she's MY best friend." Ivy added.
"I personally find her rather charming." Crane offered.
"I think she has a beautiful mind and a beautiful soul." Nigma sighed.
Everyone looked at the Joker.
"What?" he asked.
"Harley, you can ride with Crane." the nurse said, making up her mind. "I guess if everyone likes you...Harvey, you ride with Edward. No, I don't care if the coin told you to ride with Crane, HARLEY is riding with Crane. Mr. Joker, you ride with Ms. Ivy."
"I'm not riding with that idiot." Ivy scowled, looking at the Joker, who was already in the purple car.
"Oh, come on." he grinned, patting the passenger seat. "It'll be fun."
The look on her face was one of utter contempt, but she got in the little car nonetheless.
"Now," the nurse called from next to the ride as they were all buckled into their cars. "I want you to all work together and play a nice CLEAN game of bumper cars."
"That'll happen." Crane muttered, folded awkwardly in the passenger seat of the bumper car.
"Why can't you drive?" Nigma whined to Harvey, who seemed to be too big for the seat buckle. "I don't even have my license."
"And you think I have mine?" he retorted. "Besides, it's not up to us, it's up to the coin."
"I hate your damn coin." Nigma grumbled. "Riddle me why."
"Why?"
"Because it's dumb."
"Say that again and I'll punch you so hard, you'll never..."
"Welcome to the magical bumper cars in the magical land of Disney." the ride announcer interrupted Harvey's tirade. "Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, and remember, no unnecessary roughness."
The Joker cracked up, much to Ivy's delight. She crossed her arms tightly around her body and let out a huff.
As the buzzer sounded, Nigma pushed on the gas, but nothing happened. Harvey looked at him with an eyebrow raised.
"Are you going to get us moving or what?"
"I'm...trying..." Nigma grunted as bumper cars flew past him at an alarming speed (for bumper cars, that is). "But I can't figure out how to make it go."
He wasn't the only car that wasn't moving. There were five more cars filled with children and their parents who weren't moving, as they were looking at the villains in abject terror.
"Hahahaha!" the Joker shrieked as he flew directly towards Nigma and Harvey, ignoring the 'one way' signs plastered all over the walls.
"AHHHHH!" the Riddler screamed, hiding his face with his hands as the Joker's car bumped rather harshly into his. The car spun wildly out of control, and Harvey yelled as he grabbed the wheel, steering them promptly into a corner.
"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" Nigma shrieked. "I COULD HAVE DIED!"
"If only!" the Joker called.
"Could you try to be a little more pleasant?" Ivy snapped.
"You don't know me very well, do you?" the Joker smiled, as he slammed into some small child's car. "I'm not one for pleasantry."
The child wailed.
"MOMMY!" he cried. "SCARY CLOWN HIT MY CAR!"
"YOU STOP THAT!" Harley yelled at the Joker from across the track. She was standing up in her seat, and Crane was trying to steer from the passenger side. "DON'T TERRORIZE KIDS OR I'LL COME OVER AND SLAP YOU, YA HEAR ME?"
"Ma'am, please sit down in your car." the ride worker said over the speakerphone. Harley stuck her fingers in her ears and waggled her fingers and tongue at him, remaining standing.
"Harley sit down." Crane told her as their car spun out. "You're scaring people."
"Like they weren't scared before." she huffed, sitting back down and taking the wheel.
"That's right kiddies, your favorite clown is back in town!" the Joker cried gleefully, giggling. "Who wants a balloon animal?"
The kids looked at him, still rather terrified. He held the suspicious looking balloon animal out the side of his car, driving in circles around them. Ivy was still scowling.
"Mistah...what are you doin'?" Harley shrieked, looking over again. Crane groaned.
"Just ignore him..." he said, but she was already out of the car.
"Miss...miss...please get back in your car!" the speaker ordered, but Harley was marching angrily towards the Joker.
"Whaddya think you're doin'?" she snapped at him, demonstrating one of the rare times she actually got angry with him.
"Spreading joy?"
Harley snatched the balloon from him and popped it. A purple smoke burst out of it.
"Laughin' gas? You were gonna waste valuable laughin' gas on KIDS? Mistah J, we're in freakin' Disney, all we're gonna get is kids! Wait till they're grown up. THEN ruin their lives."
"I agree with you on some levels." the Joker said, crossing his arms. "But I still have to point out that when you popped the balloon, you still released and exposed these precious children to the gas you were trying to protect them from."
Harley looked slowly around and saw four or five children rolling around on the ground, laughing uncontrollably.
"Eh." she shrugged. "They'll get over it."
"MA'AM!" the speaker thundered. "PLEASE REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE BUMPER CAR AREA. YOU ARE BANNED."
"Banned?" Harley pouted before hopping the barrier back onto the sidewalk. "Banned from what?"
"I'll talk to him." the nurse sighed, walking toward the ride worker. Harley leaned up against the railing and watched the chaos steadily unfold.
Nigma still couldn't figure out how to get the car to go, and Harvey was getting more and more angry. A security worker was chasing the Joker around, but the Joker was driving around him in circles with his bumper car, so he couldn't catch him. Said security worker was yelling at the ride worker to stop it so he could catch the menacing clown, but the ride worker was too busy being talked at by the nurse, who was explaining to him that her guests were mentally insane, and could not be held accountable for their actions.
ONE HOUR LATER
"This jail is worse than Arkham." Nigma whined. "I have to share the cell with all of you."
"It's not a jail." the nurse explained from the other side of the bars. She looked very uneasy. "You're just being held here until the park is sure you won't cause any more trouble."
"So we're never leaving, then?" the Joker asked flatly. "Because I don't see that happening."
"If we get out of here, it'll be a miracle." Crane agreed. "Then again, what do we really have to get back to?"
"I'm not breaking out of here AND Arkham." the Joker scowled. "It's too much work. They'd better just let us go."
"We're waiting on a confirmation call from the asylum." the nurse said. "They just have to call the park and tell them that you're indeed deemed officially insane, and then as long as you remain under close supervision, they'll let you out."
"Or we could just break out." Harvey said, rolling his eyes. "We do it all the time at Arkham. This place can't be much different."
"We don't do it all the time." Crane reminded him. "The last time any of us actually escaped was when Batman came to teach us self defense. And that was what, months ago?"
"It's a change in scenery," Ivy shrugged. "The walls are a slightly different color."
"I still hate it." Nigma grumbled.
"Okay guys," a police officer said, unlocking the door. "You're allowed to go back in the park, only thing is, I have to be with you. Now you listen to me, this here's a kid's park, and I don't want any lunatics messing it up. So you either behave yourselves or that asylum of yours will give you a real special treatment when you get back, you hear?"
The six villains all exchanged glances.
"Fine." the Joker said, speaking for the group. "But we want to go on the Tower of Terror."
"What?" Crane shrieked. "No we..."
The Joker shushed him.
"Yes, we do. Don't we?"
"I know I do!" Harley said in a sing song voice. Ivy nodded, but she just wanted to get back outside.
"Fine." the cop said as he led them all back into the park. As they made their way to the ride, families and the like veered away from them. Nigma tried smiling at one of them, but he caused the child to burst into tears and run away screaming.
"That's because your face is so ugly." Harvey smirked. The Riddler looked at him, his lips pursed and his eyes narrowed.
"You know what, Harvey? I'm sick of your crap. I'm sick of you hating on me, my face, and my riddles, ESPECIALLY when YOU look like THE FACE OF HELL ITSELF! You say I'm ugly? YEAH, YOU'RE ONE TO TALK!"
He finished by doing what Harvey usually did to him on a daily basis- punching him in the face. Normally, this would be quite ineffective. But he clocked him right on the deformed side, which was a lot more sensitive to pain than the other side.
"OW!" Harvey howled, clutching his face in pain. "CHEAP SHOT, CHEAP SHOT!"
"You know, if we had a bromance, I wouldn't have done that." he sniffed. "I saved your life, and this is what I get. And you know what else, Two Face? Punching a guy in the face who is ten times weaker than you is a cheap shot. Riddle me THAT."
Harley was clapping.
"Yay EDDIE!" she cheered. The police officer, meanwhile, was looking on ominously. He didn't like what he was seeing.
"Act out like that one more time, and you're out of here." he snapped at Nigma, who was too busy being proud of himself to listen. Harvey, dubiously humiliated, sulked quietly at the back of the pack.
"You really did deserve it." the Joker said, looking over his shoulder at him.
"Thanks." Harvey said sarcastically.
"Okay, get in line." the cop said, ushering the group toward the Tower of Terror. The nurse hung behind.
"What is the premise of this ride?" Crane asked, shuffling slowly as the line progressed.
"I dunno." Nigma shrugged. "Being terrified?"
"Interesting." Crane said. They were directly behind a young couple, who were holding hands and giggling. Crane leaned up between them. "Excuse me, but would you mind if I tested some fear toxin on you to experiment the effect of being scared for the fun of it?"
The girl turned around and sprayed him in the eyes with pepper spray.
"OW!" he howled, sinking to the ground. "OKAY, okay, I see, you don't want to participate..."
"Leave them alone." Harley said, helping him up. "For now, at least. Wait until we're out of view of the cop."
"Yeah, why did he leave us alone?" the Riddler asked, proposing another question. "Riddle me that. Why would a sea turtle leave it's eggs? Because it wants cheesecake. He must have gone to look for cheesecake."
"No," the Joker sighed, glancing at Nigma. "No. He left us alone because he's STUPID. Do you know what that means, Riddler? Can you riddle me what that means?"
"You're asking me to solve a RIDDLE?" Nigma asked gleefully.
"...sure."
"Okay, okay. I know this one. Umm...refrigerated sneakers? The Lion King? Two camels in a tiny car?"
"NO. It means we can...escape." the Joker whispered the last word gleefully.
Everyone remained silent. He looked around expectantly, but they weren't giving him the response he wanted.
"What? Don't you want to escape?" he asked.
"Well...yeah." Harley shrugged. "It's just that...we're in Florida right now."
"And?"
"I don't wanna walk to Gotham!" she cried suddenly. "It's so FAR! It took us twenty four hours to DRIVE here!"
"We wouldn't have to walk," the Joker sighed, rolling his eyes.
"Then how would we get there? Do you have a car?" Ivy asked him, an eyebrow raised. "Or perhaps you could steal a bumper car and use that?"
"No, those only work on the bumper car track." Nigma said, missing out on the sarcasm. No one bothered to explain it to him, however.
"And we can't leave NOW." Harley continued. "We still have to go on the ride!"
"Seriously?" asked the Joker flatly. "You're going to skip out on escaping so you can ride the Tower of Terror?"
"I'll go with you." Crane said. He did not want to get on the ride. "It's a simple matter of stealing a minivan from the parking lot and hijacking it so we can get out of here."
"Exactly." the Joker agreed. "You're finally making...wait, what?"
"What?"
"Did you say minivan?" the Joker asked. They were getting very close to the beginning of the line. "You want our spectacular getaway to be in a minivan?"
"Well, hold on." Harvey interrupted. "If we're gonna escape, I think we should pick a cooler car."
"Thank you, Harvey."
"But a minivan is practical." Crane stressed. "I mean, if we're all going to be cooped up in a car for hours on end, I suggest we go with a comfortable choice."
"I'm not going anywhere in a minivan!" the Joker cried. "It's ridiculous!"
They were almost about to get on the ride at this point.
"Wait," Ivy said. "Are we going to go escape, or are we getting on the ride?"
Everyone looked at Harley, who shuffled her feet anxiously.
"Why do I hafta decide?" she asked painfully.
"Crane, Harvey and I want to go. Nigma doesn't. Ivy's opinion doesn't matter. So you have to choose for us."
"Um..." Harley looked at the ride, a longing expression in her eyes. "I...I wanna ride the ride."
"ARE YOU SERIOUS?" Harvey yelled. "We're talking freedom and you'd rather go on a stupid RIDE?"
People were giving them strange looks.
"How many times are we gonna get to come here?" Harley asked, gesturing wildly with her arms. "Seriously?"
"Ridiculous. Just ridiculous." Harvey muttered.
They were ushered by a ride attendant into the car. Harley seated herself next to the Joker and took his hand. He was still rather upset over her decision.
"What does this ride do?" Crane asked nervously as the door to the car closed. The six villains were the only ones occupying it. Harley, the Joker, and Crane took up the first row, and Harvey, Nigma, and Ivy were in the row behind them.
"It goes up and up and then you go down!" Harley said, answering Crane's question.
"Like...like falling?"
"Yepper!" she clapped. "I'm so excited. Aren't you so excited, Mistah J?"
"No."
"Aw, come on." she pouted. "You know, it is dark in here. I bet we could get away with..."
"I will not allow that." Harvey said loudly. "I will punch you both. Except Harley. I can't hit girls."
As the car started going up, Harley started bouncing up and down. Crane shrank down in his seat.
"If anyone wants to observe my behavior and report it back to me later, it would be much appreciated. I have yet to see how fear affects my own AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The car plummeted to the ground. Crane wasn't the only one screaming, Harvey was joining in on the chorus.
"ARE YOU TELLING ME...THAT WE...ARE GOING BACK...TO ARKHAM...SO WE COULD RIDE...THIS DEMON RIDE!?!?!"
"I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS!" Nigma screeched. "I CHANGED MY MIND, I'D RATHER ESCAPE!"
The Joker was laughing, despite his distaste for the choice.
Five minutes later, the ride stopped. When the six villains returned to the nurse and the cop, the Joker was laughing manically (and had to be sedated for the ride home), Nigma, Crane, and Harvey were shaking in silent terror, and Harley was bouncing up and down as usual. Ivy remained jaded.
"I've been on worse." she said as they piled back into the car.
"Do you think we'll ever go back?" Harley sighed as the car pulled away from the parking lot.
"Look around you." Ivy said, pointing to the four men. The Joker was on the ground, he was obviously thrown in carelessly by the cop. His limbs were jumbled in a fashion that would be quite uncomfortable for him were he not knocked out. The other three were all in relative states of pale faced shock.
"T...that wasn't s-so bad." Nigma stammered. "I mean...I could have died, right? Riddle me...riddle me..."
But he passed out before he could finish the sentence.
"Geez. It's just a ride." Harley said, looking at his fallen figure.
"Yeah, a ride that cost us our freedom." Harvey muttered. "Wake me up when we get back."
He fell asleep as soon as his head hit the back of his seat.
"Yeah, I'm kinda tired." Harley sighed. "Three hours in Disney really knocks it out of you."
She got down on the small area of floor where the Joker was and curled up next to him, her eyes closing in sleep.
Ivy sighed.
They were idiots. Every single one of them.
So there's that! May I add that with this chapter, Arkham Chronicles is now a novel length deal? O.o. Dang.
As for the setting of the chapter, I glazed over the details of the Disney parks. There's the Tower of Terror (which I love, btw), which is MGM, but there's the castle there too, which is Magic Kingdom, so...it's just another thing I took and changed for my amusement.
Why am I talking at you so much? I'll stop talking at you now. Thank you for reading, I love you all.