When I had made myself known as Arthur's nephew, he had remarked on how I carried the same regal air as you. How thrilled I was to hear that I was like you in face and character, after all what child does not wish to be like their parents.
I soon revealed who I really was, neither I nor Arthur was happy with whom and what I was when the truth was came out.
He and I had been debating on whom he should name heir, as we prepared for the upcoming battle. He told me that he could not choose someone not of his own descent. It was then that I told him of our little secret. I made myself known again as Arthur's son and his heir. It wasn't even planned, certainly not the time I was planning on revealing my true identity. But it seems the Goddess put the words into my mouth and I spoke them, after all I am nothing but her servant. How his face fell as I reminded him of the night of Beltane and he realised what I said was true. Perhaps he wasn't the gullible fool I thought him to be. That queen of his, Guinevere came just as I told him who I was. How it must have hurt her to know that you had provided the heir and not her. The hope of Camelot's heir had never been in her power, she being such a weak thing could have never been able to produce a child worthy of the Pendragons blood. That is why I was conceived before Arthur married. That is why Mourgause cursed her womb so that she would never taint our blood with Christian ideals. This is what I choose to believe anyway.
She ran away unable to look at me and I would admit only to you that I was unable to look at Arthur. I couldn't stand the look of disgust and fear on his face when he saw me for the first time and realised that I was only heir.
I had been taunted throughout most of my childhood, not that you would have seen it. Lot would have never touched me if you had been there, he may have been a pig but not a stupid one. He knew better than to earn the hatred of a priestess of Avalon. However as soon as you left I was at the mercy of his temper. Therefore he would often beat me when he could and treated me with disgust as if I was an abomination to behold this he taught his sons and all others around me to do the same. This was because of my being a bastard child, and one that was heir to a throne not that I knew it at the time. I had, in his eyes, robbed his sons of the high throne.
As you may know Mourgause treated me with some form affection that I constantly craved and was deprived of since you left. Mourgause treated me with a distorted version of love and respect that I would never question for any affection I received in that place from anyone was scarce. Lot made sure of that. I often wondered why she did not view me as a creature wanted by no-one, not even their own mother. Know I know why. So that when I became high king, she would be treated as the high queen mother. In a sense she was. She never looked at me with disgust but Arthur-my father-my creator did, just as Lot and his cruel companions had done when I was in Orkney.
I walked away in silence, he never came after me nor did he try.