A/N: so… this is totally not to offend anyone who doesn't like Batman/Robin or Batman/Joker. I like neither and am in the mind that Robin is like a son to Batman and Batman like a father to Robin (and that the Joker is fucked up and cool and totally not Bruce's star-crossed lover or whatever). You're allowed your opinion, I promise. Also, I apologize to anyone who doesn't like my Kadaj. I like my Kadaj, because he's funny and weird and an asshat (and if I can make Roxas and Riku old-school filmers than Kadaj can make bad Batman shipping references and act like he's smoking some really good gay shit).
Disclaimer: I don't own Batman or Kingdom Hearts. (Or the book referenced here, which if anyone UNDERSTANDS the reference that'd make me feel much, much better about my nerdiness.)
Note1: I procrastinate like the world's never ending, okay. So, I apologize, but these might not be speedy updates. This is mostly because I just want to have FUN, but whatever. Sorry anyway.

"You know, it's kind of pathetic to see you down here without Roxas."

Some days Riku really, really hated his brother.

"I mean, you droop around, all sniffled and 'WOE IS ME', playin' your emo shit music down here like a heartbroken teenage girl. It's making me ill just watching you."

From Riku's point of view, Kadaj deserved all sorts of hideous deaths, in which the hideousness of them would only ever be out done by his face. Unfortunately he was using the 'my idiotic older brother does not exist' tactic and therefore could not kill his brother in the many, gruesome ways that flitted through his head.

"Seriously, man, what the fuck did you DO? Your whimpering, lost little puppy dog routine is only going to amuse mom for so long before she starts missing Roxie and his witty, sarcastic charm, because you know he and I are the only ones here that can use sarcasm CORRECTLY and all. And besides-"

"Go away Kadaj."

Kadaj cheered silently from where he was lounging on the darkroom's couch. He'd been down there for just over thirty minutes trying to find the right buttons to press to get Riku to talk and the kid had actually cracked a lot sooner than he originally thought. 'Must be pretty fucking torn up then,' Kadaj thought, following his little brother with his eyes as Riku moved around in the darkened, red-tinted room.

"Oh, but I'm worried about my little brother! Listening to such music, so dark and with foul language! And without his hero he's just a lost, pathetic little side-kick out on the streets! I'm here because I care, Riku, I swear it to you~"

"Get. Out."

This time Kadaj snorted, making a big show of swinging his legs over the couch's arm lazily. "Spill your broken heart's contents to me, brother dearest, I promise I will listen and not judge."

"I don't know what kind of gay shit you've been smoking but you really, really need to stop."

"Oh, but this foul music is warping my young brother' mind; listen to the hateful words coming from his mouth-"

Riku finally spun to face Kadaj, murder in his eyes as he cut through his brother's taunting (and probably well prepared) speech. "Okay, first off this is YOUR fucking music, out of YOUR fucking CD collection! Secondly, I AM NOT A HEARTBROKEN TEENAGE GIRL. Thirdly, why the hell is it automatically my fault Roxas isn't here? AND I AM NOT A SIDE-KICK, YOU FUCKING SONOVABITCH ASSHAT."

"Pffft, I knew you'd crack sometime. Good thing you cracked when you did too, I was running out of annoying, gay bullshitty things to say," Kadaj drawled, raising his eyebrows at his brother in a calming sort of way. "And, in the order you addressed them; I was fucking wondering where my CDs had gone you bitch, I didn't say you were just that you were ACING like one, it's automatically your fault because I didn't do it, and you are TOTALLY the side-kick in this relationship. Oh, and we share the same mom, dipshit, but if you think she's a bitch I could go tell her that for you…"

Riku ignored the last statement, instead focusing on the comment that would keep Kadaj farthest away from the problem at hand. Jerkily he raised a hand to his temple, massaging it harshly in the hopes his headache would fade. "How the fuck do you figure I'm the side-kick?"

"Because Blondie wears more black than you, which makes him Batman, and if he's BATMAN then you're ROBIN," Kadaj chimed victoriously, before pausing. "Expect, y'know, I don't think Robin wanted to fuck Batman like you want to fuck Roxas. But then again, that's up to your pairing preferences…"

Riku stared at Kadaj for one long, tense moment as he completely absorbed what his brother said. Finally he blinked twice, slowly, and pressed his fingers harder against his temple. "Shoot me, please. Just shoot me NOW."

"What, did I just ruin every waking moment of your childhood, not to mention disrupt your Batman obsession to the point of world destruction? Hmhm… Maybe you're more of a Batman/Joker fan-"

"Kadaj, if you have any mercy left in your soul after the hellish childhood you put me through you will SHUT THE FUCK UP NOW. EW, MAN. JUST, JUST EW. LEAVE BATMAN ALONE."

Kadaj chuckled, shaking his slowly while Riku continued to flail in place. "Hey, man, it's your fault. I never thought of gay pairings before YOU decided boobs weren't good enough for you. I'm just being sexually aware out of pure and utter love for my baby brother-"

"Stop pulling a goddamn Holden Caulfield, Kadaj, or get out," Riku said wearily, tired of his brother's mind games. "I just want to develop this film in peace."

Kadaj's expression was instantly one of complete sincerity and he was sitting up properly in less time than Riku would have guessed. His eyes, more of a blue than Riku's own sea foam teal, stared relentlessly into his younger brother, serious and sad and blank all at once.

"What happened with Roxas, Riku?"

Riku blinked, startled by the appearance of what he liked to call "Podperson-Kadaj". Slowly he shook his head, stubborn on his point to not tell Kadaj anything.

"Riku, what happened with Roxas?"

"Nothing happened, Kadaj, he's just not here-"

"Why?" Kadaj asked again, but Riku still refused to answer. Taking a different route Kadaj tried again. "Did you two fight?"

"No."

"Is he sick?"

"No."

Kadaj watched each of Riku's answers carefully, avidly searching for a lie among them. But all checked out, right up until he asked, "Is he hanging out with Axel?" to which Riku's eyes tightened around the edges and he positively growled.

"No."

Kadaj paused for a long while, eyes trained on his younger brother as the boy became more and more tightly wound, right up until he had much more in common with a steel bedspring than a human being. Slowly the older boy sighed, standing fluidly until he (just barely) towered over Riku's angry form.

"Well then, if there's absolutely nothing wrong here I'll be leaving," He said, clasping a hand on Riku's shoulder harshly in hopes to jar the boy out of his anger (it worked). "But, if you wanted my opinion on ANYTHING, I think Batman/Robin is MUCH more plausible than Batman/Joker."

With that Kadaj moved past Riku, taking the stairs two at a time until he reached the kitchen door. Wrapping his fingers around the knob he paused, just once more for a split second to glance back at his brother.

In the faint red light of the darkroom Riku smiled, head turned so his hair fell over his eyes leaving only his mouth in view. His shoulders were lax, his fingers curled out of those tight, raging fists they had been in only a minute beforehand; he looked almost as if he were just lazily standing in the middle of the room for no point, with no urgent, pressing problems weighing down his heart. (Kadaj decided quietly that he liked this look a lot better on his little brother, it was absolutely no fun to tease an unresponsive, sulky, gloomy bitch (Riku).)

"Your analogies suck dick, 'Daj."

Kdaj smirked, opening the door and stepping over the doorway just as he chuckled back, "Your face sucks dick, loser."

(Later Roxas would come over and Riku would smile and think of Batsignals and motorcycles while on the other end of the house Kadaj would curse his mother's fondness for hanging around the kitchen, Riku's blasted soundproof room, whichever idiot decided soap was a good way for punishing foul mouthed children, and the utter unfairness of life itself.)