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'Rose?' his voice wrapped around me and I felt helpless. 'Has this been happening a lot?' his voice was so gentle, so much more so than the way he'd spoken to me every other time since he returned. I risked looking up and felt myself drowning once again, his eyes were full of concern and it confused me. I wanted him to either love me or have nothing to do with me; this wasn't making it any easier. 'Is that how you really feel? Do you really wish I'd killed you?' He pushed me again for an answer but I couldn't talk, he was scared that he'd made me this way and in part he had. He had promised to be there and help me if this happened and he wasn't, he didn't want to be and he never would. I had to suffer with this on my own, barely controlling it and always on the verge of crossing into darkness.

'I want to live' I said quietly, I knew he'd heard me because I felt him relax slightly; he sat down across from me. 'I just have trouble controlling it, and everything that's happened hasn't really made it easier.' He knew I was referring to him being strigoi and then coming back and not wanting me anymore. 'Maybe Adrian can help?' there was a slight edge to his voice that, if I hadn't known any better, I would have thought was jealousy. 'No, he can't. He has enough on trying to keep himself sane.' That was true, I worried about Adrian and the effects of spirit sometimes more than in Lissa, Adrian was still using dangerous vices to numb his pain. I started to stand but Dimitri pulled me down and his hand on the bare skin of my arm felt like fire and ice burning me. I snatched it away but remained sitting, he also seemed startled by the effect of our touch and I revelled in the fact that I wasn't the only one affected. 'I don't want to fight with you but I need to say this. I'm not trying to be spiteful so please, please listen.' He eyed me warily but indicated that I should carry on.

'I know that you said that you don't feel the same way about me anymore, and I get that. What you went through, wow, it was epic, and I only saw it happen, it actually happened to you, I can barely imagine. But, before you changed, you promised you'd be there for me, that you'd help me if things got too bad, I gave my whole self to you and it just seems like it never could have mattered to you that much, you're just stomping all over the best memory I have, the most amazing thing that ever happened to me. Lissa may have brought you back from being strigoi but you brought me back, that night in the cabin. I know it isn't the same, you were dead, and I was just crazy but I would have done something awful, like kill Jesse or Ralf or something and you stopped me from doing it so in a way it's similar, or it feels similar to me.' I took a deep breath and he opened his mouth to respond but I cut him off. 'I know how you feel ok, I get it, and I'm trying to move on, but I'll always love you, I can pretend I don't but I just will, that kind of love just doesn't go away at least not for me, not the way I feel. Maybe you felt differently back then to how I did and I read the signals wrong, I don't know, I just don't know.'

I wasn't sure if any of that had made sense because Dimitri stood up and walked back into the room without a backwards glance. I felt my already broken heart fracture once again. What I had said was the truth, I loved Dimitri so much it hurt, it consumed me, and it was driving me mad to have him be so indifferent. I didn't cry, I simply stood and walked back into the room, sure to deadbolt the door behind me before slipping into the foldout with Adrian and wrapping my arms around him, kissing his bare shoulder and settling in for what was sure to be a sleepless night.

I awoke to sounds in the kitchenette and a quick check of the bond told me it wasn't Lissa, I rolled over enough to see Mia pouring mugs of coffee and a glass of juice which quickly got me out of bed. My eyes were still half closed and so I allowed the smell to guide me. 'Morning' I managed to yawn before settling down on a breakfast stool and taking a large gulp of the juice she handed me, I never drank coffee. 'Sleep well?' Mia asked before reaching into a box and grabbing two chocolate glazed donuts. I nodded and my eyes widened as she handed me one and I smiled, juice and donuts was possibly the perfect breakfast. 'How'd you get these?' I asked incredulously. 'I went down to the restaurant downstairs; Dimitri said I'm least likely to be noticed. Not that I saw any Moroi or Dhampirs down there.' She seemed a little put out by the fact that hardly anyone would notice her absence. I also guessed she probably worried about her father, since her mother had died last year it was just the two of them. Dimitri was nowhere to be seen, believe me, if he'd been there it would have been the first thing I'd notice on waking up. But he wasn't and I glanced around checking for a sign of him. Mia seemed to guess my thoughts which irked me, was I becoming that easy to read? 'He's in the shower' she said knowingly and without judgement. I nodded my thanks before glancing back towards Adrian where he slept sprawled on his back oblivious to the waking world around him.

'Morning ladies' Christian walked out of the bedroom then scratching his bed hair and yawning. He looked at me and indicated with his head that Lissa, back in the bedroom, wanted me. I jumped off my stool feeling infinitely more energised after inhaling the juice and donut.

Lissa was curled up on her side fully dressed as I entered the bedroom. A check of the bond told me she was still calm but sad, very sad. 'I believe you' she mumbled, turning to face me as I perched on the edge of the unmade bed. I smiled sadly at her 'I'm so sorry Liss, I really am.' She nodded thanks to my concern and raised herself up into a sitting position. 'It's ok, I mean, this could really help the Moroi move forward in a new direction and the Dhampirs would get more of a say if I were allowed on the council.' I nodded again; she was always so up for putting the good of people before her, it made me want to be a better person.

'Christian told me what happened last night...'she was upset mostly about that I found out from her thoughts; the illegitimate half sibling was something she'd accepted grudgingly but had come to terms with. The fact that she was hurting me was worse because she couldn't control it. 'I'm so sorry Rose. I'm going to try so hard to figure out how to heal this darkness out of you, I swear I will.' I smiled a grim smile and rubbed her back to keep her calm. 'Don't worry Liss, the charms work great, I just forgot to keep it on last night and I snapped but Adrian gave me a ring and I calmed down. I'm fine honestly.' I managed to rearrange my smile so it looked genuine and carefree which reassured her a little. I still couldn't believe how quick she was to believe my lies and silently thanked the one way nature of the bond.

'Dimitri' Lissa said, that one word held the power to both elate me and destroy any morsel of happiness I'd felt upon waking up. 'Christian told me what you said to him, I thought I told you not to upset him.' Her voice was reproachful and the urge to storm out was rising in my chest, I checked to see that the charmed ring Adrian had given me was still in place. 'I thought that was only at Court so no one was afraid of him' I mumbled. Opening my mouth too wide could result in my saying something I'd regret. 'He's been through a lot Rose can't you understand that and just be his friend.' I felt hot tears stinging my eyes now, who was she to tell me how to feel. I'd been conditioned all my life to know that Moroi lives came first and that our happiness and freedom came second. To tell you the truth I was sick of it, I'd protect Lissa as long as I lived, but forgoing having my own happiness was just too hard. Now I had to protect Dimitri from my feelings as well, everyone was against me.

Just then I heard Christian shout us from the living room, we ignored him and Lissa sent compassion and sympathy through the bond, she reached out to hug me but I evaded her arms. 'Lissa, Rose!' Christian shouted again. 'What?' I said exasperated knowing he could hear me without yelling. 'You have to come see this. QUICK!' Lissa and I exchanged wary looks before darting into the living room. Christian, Mia and Adrian were all crowded around the small TV set staring at the images on the screen. The local news was on, and the screen was dominated by pictures of one male and one female teenager, the heading flashed 'Missing Persons' above them. The teenagers in the pictures were Lissa and Adrian. 'Oh shit!' Christian and I exclaimed at once.

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