A/N : Hi guys, finally a new chapter, it's been really hectic since I got a new pc, but I hope things will calm down soon. Anyways, thanks for being so patient with me and enjoy this chapter.
Second First Day Back
It has been said that fear is for the weak only.
Those who have fear, are those who can be beat down.
Those who have fear, always loose in the end.
Is that true ? Is having fear a sign of weakness ? Will the weak always be defeated ? God, I hope not…
Brooke Davis is writing in her new journal, one she started after the attack. One that can never be read by anyone by her, because if they would read it, they would know her. Her most inner thoughts, feelings, wishes… All about pain, fear and death. There's not a shred of happiness written in it.
Her hair is shorter than a month and a half ago, it's a lighter brown and comes to her shoulder. She cut it off a few weeks ago, when she was having a really bad day. Luckily for her Karen was able to make something pretty out of it and not ask why she did it.
Her clothes are different now too, darker. There are almost no bright colors left in her wardrobe, only darker, grimmer, colors. She mostly wears grey, black, very dark blue or purple now. Occasionally she wears something white with it. Her friends are concerned about the way she's been behaving, but she doesn't talk to them about it, not even Peyton, no one. Lucas tries, he seems to understand, but she doesn't talk to him either, it's too painful.
Not only is it too painful, but she's scared of what she might tell them. She fears that if they know the truth, they'll judge her. She fears everything now, going outside, having fun, talking, walking, breathing, existing. But most of all, she fears going to school, which was coming closer every minute.
Tomorrow she would make another attempt to attend classes, a second first day back to school. She doesn't want to go, she fears it, more than she has ever feared anything in her life. She fears the students, the teachers, what if someone there is the one who stabbed her ? She fears the classes, she's afraid she won't understand any of it anymore, because her mind is in too dark a place to work. She's afraid to talk to people again, she doesn't know what they'll ask her, how they'll threat her, and it frightens her.
It's after midnight already, but she doesn't care. She hardly sleeps anymore, because when she closes her eyes, all she sees is the knife. She's so tired of everything, she just wants to sleep, but she doesn't. Maybe, if she's really exhausted she'll sleep for a minimum of 3 hours, but mostly she has to settle with half an hour, an hour, give or take a few minutes.
Usually she just sits at Lucas' desk all night, thinking, writing. Tonight is no different.
What if I run away ? Would they blame me… hate me, for doing that ? Or would they just think I'm a coward, not facing my demons ?
I wish I didn't have friends, that I was a loner loser, that no one cared. It would make things easier. Because all I want now is to be left alone. I just wanna get rid of my emotions, be numb. But I can't do that with Peyton, Haley, Nathan and Lucas breathing down my neck. They're making everything harder for me and they don't even know it, it doubt that even Lucas has figured that out…
And so she writes, all night long, no sleep. She nods of a couple of times, only for a few minutes, not long, until dawn.
She starts getting ready around 6.30 am. She takes a shower first, then puts on her clothes. She's wearing a dark blue jeans, a white tank top and a grey, white striped, sweater. She doesn't put any jewelry on and the only make up she puts on is black eye shadow and eyeliner, nothing else, not even blush.
She's walking without crutches now, she got rid of them about a week ago, thank god. Walking with those things was a bitch, that's what she told everyone.
Lucas doesn't come to her room to ask her if she's ready this time, Brooke had wished he would. She could have told him she needed more time, she wasn't, isn't, ready yet. But she knows she has to go back eventually, and it has been over a month already and she's almost fully healed, so she has no choice but to go.
The school had called her two days ago, asking if she wanted to see the school counselor when she returned, but she had politely rejected the offer. She doesn't want to talk to anyone, she only wants to disappear.
After taking one, final, deep breath, she walked out of Lucas' room, into the living room, where Lucas and Karen are waiting. They smile at her as she enters the room and try to make her feel comfortable about going back to school, it isn't working.
She sits down at the small, square dining table where Lucas and Karen are currently eating their breakfast, eggs and toast. Karen offer Brooke some, but she's not hungry. Even if she were hungry, she doesn't think she would be able to shove anything down her throat, it feels like there a tennis ball in it and besides that, her stomach is all tangled up in knots and she's very queasy.
She simply watches as Karen and Lucas finish their breakfast, during which she receives many concerned looks from Lucas. Karen seems to rushed to pay much attention to he, which she likes. Once Lucas is finished, they both stand up, say goodbye to Karen and go on their way to school in Lucas' car.
The ride is endured in silence at first, Brooke doesn't want to talk and Lucas is afraid to ask her anything. But apparently he controls his fear when he finally asks her something.
"So… How are you feeling ?" Lucas asks, hoping she'll be honest with him, which she is, sort of.
"Tired of people asking me that, 'cause I'm doing fine. Better than fine even, I'm doing fantastic. Anything else you want to ask me that'll definitely annoy me ?" She says, she knows she's being rude, but she's so nervous and scared for school that she needs to vent a little before it starts.
"No, I guess not." Lucas says as he lets out a sigh. He had always thought when he and Peyton finally broke up, he would have a shot with Brooke, but that wish has disappeared over the weeks. By the way she's been acting, he'll be surprised if she's ever close to a man ever again. They knew it was a man who attacked her because the doctors found some stray hairs on her body, which resulted in unknown male DNA, which resulted in Brooke being extra twitchy around men.
"We're here." Lucas says as he pulls up at the school parking lot. Brooke says nothing, she just gets out of the car and hurries towards the entrance of the school, avoiding all the stares she feels are directed her way. She was walking faster than she actually could, which hurt her a little, but she needed to get inside, at least that would be more progress than last time.
As she enters the school she feels her heart beginning to beat faster, her palms are all sweaty and she's scared to death. She doesn't look at anyone, only at the floor. Thankfully she doesn't need to look up to know where her locker is, she knows that by heart, she could find it blindfolded if necessary.
She open her locker with her number combination 5972, grabs her English books, closes it and walks to her first class. She hasn't run into Peyton or Nathan and Haley yet and she knew Lucas would leave her alone today, because of the way she snapped at him in the car. She still had more than half an hour before class began, but she needed to get away from the crowd and the noise, so sitting in an empty class was her best option right now.
She opens the door of the English class, no one is around, which relieves her, and sits down at her old desk. As she looked at the desk she couldn't believe that she was the same person that had drawn hearts and stars on it and written stupid phrases on it. One of those phrases is 'Clothes Over Bros'. Something she had written after she and Peyton had fought over some stupid guy they didn't even know anymore. She had liked it, she had wanted her future clothing line to be called that. She used to love designing clothes. But now she doesn't know anymore, the clothes, the phrase, it doesn't speak to her anymore, she can't feel the vibe anymore.
As she deepens in her thoughts, she never hears the door opening, but when it slams shut, she frightens and jumps up, fear on her face. Haley is standing before her, looking at her, Haley's face filled with empathy and pity, lots of it.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to spook you." Haley apologizes, looking a little guilty, but trying her best to hide it from Brooke.
"You didn't, I was just deep in thoughts. What's up ?" Brooke lies, she's not planning to tell Haley that she was almost scared to death when she heard the door. Haley seems to know Brooke is lying, her expression tells Brooke that anyway, but she doesn't discuss it any further.
"I just wanted to see how you are. With school and all… and Lucas." Haley ads his name at the very end, kind of taking Brooke off guard.
"School is good so far. What about Luke ?" Brooke says, lying yet again. If it were Peyton standing before her, she would've have been lectured already for lying all the time. Brooke had never been a very good liar, but she was getting better at it.
"Nothing really, he just seemed a little grumpy when I passed him in the hallway." Haley says, Brooke sighs, she didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but it seems like that's all she does lately, is hurt his or someone else's feelings by saying the things she says.
"Yeah, that's my fault, I may have snapped at him a little, earlier. I'll apologize later." Brooke says, not knowing if she'll really apologize or not, because her actions towards him are so mixed. One moment all she wants is him at her side and the other she just wants him to go away and leave her alone.
"Okay, good. Well, I've got Math now, I'll see you at lunch, maybe." Haley says and starts to turn around, but then stops and turns to face Brooke again.
"I'm here, you know, if you want someone to talk to. I know we've only been friends for like 6 months, but I do care about you. And maybe it'll do you good to talk to someone you don't know as well as Peyton or Nathan or have feelings for, such as Lucas. I won't judge you, I won't even talk back if that's what you want. All I'll do is listen and if you want me to, help you. I'm always available, day or night. Remember that." Haley says, and before Brooke can even reject that helping hand, Haley turns around, opens the door, leaves and closes the door behind her.
Brooke doesn't know what to think of that, would it help her, someone she could talk to and wouldn't talk back to her ? Maybe, maybe not. She's scared to find out, she has no idea what she'll do, but she knows that what she's doing now is slowly killing her. She needs to do something, she just needs to figure out what. But those are later problems, first she needs to get through this day without having a panic attack.
TO BE CONTINUED