Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight, I own a ridiculous workload that I have created for myself. When will I learn?
Songlines Ch19
I don't know how long we stood there in each other's arms, and I didn't care. It wasn't until Bella shifted and looked up at me with a slight wince that I realised she must be getting tired. It had been late in the day when Bella had approached me and now it was getting late.
"You need to rest," I whispered as I kissed her hair again.
"I need answers," she frowned and fisted my shirt as if to hold on to me all night. She shifted her weight slightly and I felt her legs begin to buckle with fatigue. Pulling her closer to my chest I sank to my knees so that I could sit cradling Bella across my lap. She shifted and turned, lifting a hand to push at the open neck of my shirt so that she could rest her cheek against my bare skin. The weather was still cold and so the warmth of Bella's face against my skin felt like a hot coal. I dipped my head to nuzzle her hair and felt her sleepy hum of pleasure.
We had barely spoken all and certainly had said nothing more to resolve the pain that still lay between us. Other than our initial exchange Bella had fired no more accusations and I had yet to account for my actions. The fact that we were reunited was enough for now; the answers could come later.
Bella's heartbeat had skittered as she had walked towards me and then as soon as we touched it had settled into its familiar rhythm. Now as she shifted on my lap to put her arms around my neck I closed my eyes and counted the beats for no other reason other the fact that I could. One hundred and forty seven beats later I looked up as I heard someone approach. The wind had changed direction blowing the scent of whatever it was away from me, but the muffled train of thought told me what I needed to know; it was one of the shifters.
"Your friends are coming," I dipped my head so that my lips brushed her ears as I spoke, smiling as she nodded her head against my chest.
"Out hunting again," Bella yawned as she spoke and so didn't notice my surprise.
"Is that what they told you?"
"Mm-hmm," Bella blinked owlishly, "They go out every night."
I looked over her head as the others approached; for whatever reason they had chosen to conceal their nature from her. I couldn't say I was pleased but given the situation and the fact that they had sheltered her when she was at her most vulnerable I wasn't able to judge. They stopped a dozen feet away and stared at us in silence. Whatever they had expected it clearly wasn't the sigh of Bella and I entwined in each other's arms. Jake was with them and he was radiating displeasure which intensified as he looked at us.
"Can I come home with you?" Bella looked up at me.
"It isn't safe," I conceded with considerable reluctance as I watched her hopeful expression turn into a frown of disappointment.
"Why?" Bella pulled away so that she could look up at my face when I spoke.
"There are others in the area," I said as I reached up to comb my fingers through her hair. "Nomads, but they are watching my family."
"Oh," Bella's eyes widened as she processed this and then she gave me a hard look.
"What aren't you telling me?"
"They know about you," I replied.
"How much do they know?" she shifted uneasily against me now.
"Where you live," I began, "your connection with me …"
"So Lauren-," she began and bit her lip.
"Wasn't an accident," I shook my head.
"I don't understand-," she pushed herself away from me now and got to her feet with a soft groan. "Is that anything to do with why you left?"
Cold air rushed to cool my lap where she had been sitting and I immediately missed her warmth. I got to my feet to follow her, looking over at the pack that stood waiting. The Alpha and Jacob were watching closely in a mixture of curiosity and anger. The third was the young man I had seen a few nights before. Now that they were in human form they thoughts were clear to me now. Jacob's thoughts were darting from one possibility to the next, almost frantic with the need to think of a way for Bella to stay with them; with him. The Alpha was uneasy with the situation to be sure, but the matter of my family's truce had been drilled in to him from an early age. To them we were the hated Cold Ones, but the code honour the treaty seemed to hold true.
"It is," I began, stopping with Bella's brows knit together in frustration. Her eyes looked suspiciously shiny and I didn't want to be the cause of any more of her tears.
"And I suppose you thought you were doing it for the right reasons," Bella went on. Her back was stiff with tension now and the warm embrace that we had shared seemed far away now.
"It's a game to them," I ventured at last.
"Killing people is a game?"
"Bella, it's what they do," Jacob spoke, contriving to ignore me for all that I was only standing six feet away.
"Not Edward," Bella shot back, "not now," she continued when Jacob made to object.
"And that makes it okay?" Jacob openly mocked this.
"Be careful," I said in a soft voice, "we are not all without our secrets." I held his gaze and then glanced at Bella before looking back at him. That was enough to make the boy subside. "Have you ever made a mistake?" I asked him in a quiet voice. "Have you ever had to repent for your actions and start afresh?"
Jacob said nothing but his hands clenched into impotent fists as he glared at me. The shifters were producing such body heat that zephyrs of steam rose off their bodies and eddied around them. His heart gave an unsteady thump and then began to increase in speed. The stress of the situation was getting to him and I watched as he gave a sudden shiver and stepped forward a pace. The Alpha glared at him and I caught a sharp mental command that stopped Jacob in his tracks.
Bella stood watching me breathing in shallow, angry breaths.
"Edward," she began in a warning tone, "if you're trying to tell me that you-," she broke off and got herself back under control. "I can't tell you how angry I am right now."
I looked at her, bewildered. Surely she would understand that I had acted with the best of intentions.
Jacob's thoughts were pleased at the unexpected direction this conversation was now taking.
"So you're telling me I can't go home?" she was openly challenging me now.
I considered my words carefully now as Bella stood glaring at me in the moonlight.
"You can," I began cautiously, "but it's not safe."
"What about you?" she made as if to step forward and my hands twitched as if to reach out for her but we both remained where we were. "What about your family?"
"They're hunting," I answered after shooting Jacob a sidelong look.
"There seems to be a lot of that going on," Bella replied in a low voice. I watched as she looked over at Jacob and saw something else beyond the layers of friendship that existed between them. Frustration perhaps? Bella watched him a moment longer before returning her attention to me. I watched Jacob and got my answer. Bella had her suspicions that something wasn't right, and it seemed the boy had little finesse when it came to keeping secrets from her. He hadn't told her outright, but judging from his thoughts it seemed that she was getting close. I considered this for a fraction of second. Why hadn't he told her outright himself? It was clear he wanted to; where Bella was concerned he operated on full disclosure, to her discomfort and his apparent frustration.
"Hunting for …," Bella trailed off and gave me a speculative look.
"The others," I nodded.
"So why aren't you with them if it's that important?" Bella asked as she shoved her hands into her jeans pockets. The cold was getting to her now and I could see her starting to shiver.
"Because they're not where you are," I said simply.
This made her blink. "Oh," she said at last.
"They're tracking and report back," I offered, "I'll join them when I can."
"When will that be?"
I opened my mouth to answer and Bella held up a hand as she shook her head.
"You know what? I think this is a conversation that can wait," she said as she glared at Jacob who was following our conversation with unashamed interest, "because I have a lot of questions that need answers in private." The last two words were directed at Jacob who gave her a slow smile.
"Hey," he offered, "if you weren't staying with us then I wouldn't have to follow you on your late night walks to see this guy," he finally acknowledged my presence. "Do you even know what he is?" The distaste in his voice was evident.
"Of course I know," Bella snapped at him, "Edward was honest about his nature, unlike some others I could mention."
"Bells," Jacob looked hurt at this and he took a step towards her with his hands held out in supplication.
"Don't you 'Bells' me," she replied as she took a step away from Jacob that brought her a step closer to me. "I know there's something you're not telling me, so don't think you can tell me what the view's like from the moral high ground."
I had to conceal my smile when Jacob looked suitably chastened.
"As for you," Bella turned her attention to me, "I can't go home?"
"I'd rather you didn't," I admitted.
"What about your place? Do you have a bed yet?"
"No," I answered this with a great deal of reluctance knowing that Jacob would be filing away our conversation for future reference. "But that can be remedied."
"Do it," Bella nodded, "because as soon as that's done I'm coming with you."
"No!"
Bella and I both looked over at Jacob's outburst. He stood with his mouth working but said nothing further. His thoughts however, were a jumble of riotous shouting.
"Enough," Bella groaned as she pulled her hands out of her pockets to rub at her face. "I'm so tired of all this," she mumbled to herself, "it's too much." She let her arms drop to her sides and stood looking between the two of us before rousing herself and taking three decisive steps towards me and wrapping her arms around my waist. My arms came up automatically to hold her as my head dipped to press a soft kiss against her hair.
"You'll come back?" Her voice was muffled against my chest.
"Always and forever," I assured her.
"That sounds nice, but when exactly?" Bella asked as her breath puffed against my chest.
"I'll meet up with Emmett and Jasper, and Alice can keep watch," I offered.
"So, when?" Bella was pushing me for an answer now and I had no idea what to say. Without Alice's assurances I was operating blind. As if on cue my cell phone vibrated in my pocket.
"You use cell phones?" Jacob asked in a sceptical tone.
"Sure. Why, what do you use? Smoke signals?" I was unable to keep the sneer from my voice.
"Behave," Bella muttered against my chest but she still hadn't let me go.
I glanced at the screen of the cell phone over Bella's shoulder. It was Alice and I smiled at her swift response.
"Who was it?" Bella asked.
"Alice," I replied, "telling me that there will be a bed installed in my room tomorrow. She's looking forward to seeing you."
"It's entirely mutual," Bella commented.
"Bella," Jacob began again and Bella gave a sigh of regret before looking up at me, ignoring him for the time being.
"Tomorrow?" she asked.
"I'll be here," I assured her.
"Then I'll be waiting," Bella replied.
She released me and stepped away towards Jacob, nodding once to the Alpha who fell into step beside her. Jacob held out his hand but Bella walked past him and kept going without looking back. Jacob shot me a look of annoyance before wheeling and following Bella who had kept striding away. The confident gesture was somewhat undermined when she tripped on a tree root and stumbled forward with a muffled curse.
I stayed until she was out of sight before turning with a sigh and heading towards home. As was to be expected Alice was waiting for me when I reached the steps of the house.
"The bed will be getting delivered tomorrow afternoon," she began in a peremptory tone, "and Esme and I will take care of the bedding."
"Thank you," I nodded as I paused in front of her.
"I still haven't forgiven you," she went on, "and Bella hasn't either so don't think you're out of the woods yet."
"It never crossed my mind," I assured her.
So you admit you're dumb but at least you're not stupid into the bargain, Alice mentally snapped at me as she turned on her heel and walked inside. Suitably chastened, I followed.
"And so my penitent son returns," Esme greeted with a smile as she grasped my hands to pull her close for a hug. "How's Bella?"
"She's fine," I sighed as I waited for Esme to let me go. It seemed that my stocks had risen overnight. Everyone's attitudes seemed to have moved from bewildered resentment to relief that I had accepted the consequences of my actions; or were about to. Bella was going to make me work very hard to get back into her good graces but I would do anything she demanded of me. Her forgiveness and love were what I wanted beyond anything else.
"So what have we found out?" I said as I took a seat on the sofa facing Jasper.
"They stayed in the area for a few days," Jasper began, "but I caught the male's scent heading east. He may have taken you at your word."
"Doubtful," Carlisle interjected with a frown. "With the rest of us in the area and Bella out of sight he may have assumed that the two of you are on the run."
"Perhaps," Jasper nodded at this and then sniffed and pulled a face. "Particularly if what I can smell on you is anything close to how Bella-,"
"She's with them, yes," I sighed.
"But not for much longer," Alice assured me as she moved past me to sit beside Jasper. "She's safe with them purely on the basis of scent if nothing else," she said as she wrinkled her nose.
I'll make sure she has some clothes here to change into, Alice offered and I gave her a nod to indicate that I understood.
The next day found me waiting beside the road as close to the boundary line as possible and it was only sheer effort of will that kept me from pacing back and forth as I waited.
Just look at the bloodsucker ... the mental voice was rich with contempt and my head snapped up as I saw Jacob approaching on foot, Bella beside him. They stopped a few feet away so that Bella could retrieve her bag from Jacob and then take the last few steps towards me. Clasping her warm hand in mine I gently ran my thumb over her pulse and felt myself relax for the first time in days. I was so caught up in the watching the way her hair fluttered in the light breeze that I almost missed what Bella was saying.
"Thanks, Jacob," she said to the boy who stood unhappily as he watched me draw her to my side with only a slight tug.
"I don't like this, Bells," he said.
Look at him standing there, if Bella wasn't here I could take him ...
"Anytime," I said in a quiet voice and watched his eyes widen. That would give him something to report back to the others on.
He heard me, can he hear everyone? Sam has to know that-
He stopped as I gave an almost imperceptible nod.
"So now you know," I replied as I retrieved Bella's bag and slung it over my shoulder and resolutely turned my back on him, effectively dismissing him. It was a gesture of pettiness on my part, but I had to admit I felt a rush of satisfaction at the surge of anger from his thoughts.
"Wait," Bella tugged at my hand and I stopped to look at her. "Jake," she began as she held out her hands in a mute plea for understanding, "I'm sorry that things are … different."
"They don't have to be," he mumbled.
"Will I see you soon?" she asked. The slight backward step she took at his unhappy response showed me how much his words had stung.
"Ask him," Jacob said as he jerked his chin at me.
Bella raised an eyebrow at this.
"I think Bella can make up her own mind," I replied in as mild a tone as I could manage. My first impulse was to spirit Bella far away and never have her anywhere near the dog again, but I was learning my lessons the hard way. Bella could not be bidden against her will, and woe-betide anyone who tried.
He's done something to her. Mind control? If he can read thoughts what else can he do? Something's wrong, she's not behaving like my Bella…
I gave a very low growl at this. She wasn't his Bella; she was mine.
"Jake," Bella shook her head at him and then to my astonishment stepped forward to wrap her arms around him. "Let it go."
Jacob stood motionless before lifting his arms slowly to wrap them around her slight body and hold her tight to his chest.
"I can't, Bella," he whispered against her ear. "I won't. It's too dangerous."
"I've been told that before," Bella replied, and I knew she was talking to us both this time.
"Do you really think you can keep her safe?" Jake challenged me over Bella's shoulder.
"Can you?" I replied. I had to keep my voice and body calm although it was all I could do not to tear her out of his arms. His scent was coating her in a way that I found repulsive and the slight smirk on his face told me that he knew exactly what he was doing. At my words however the smirk on his face faltered and I ruthlessly dipped into his thoughts. A woman's scarred face was at the forefront of his thoughts now as the Alpha staggered back gasping in anguish as the blood dripped off his now-human fingers. "My guess is that would be a no," I replied quietly.
"I may not be safe anywhere," Bella snapped, "but surely wherever I go it's my decision." She shifted in Jake's arms but it took a while before Jake accepted her silent message and released her.
"I can't believe you're choosing him over what we have," Jacob replied.
"What we have is only what you want it to be. Don't ask me to choose Jacob, because it'll be him."
"Even after what he did?" Jacob's face was blank with disbelief before he smiled and looked at me. The visions came without any warning.
I winced and closed my eyes but there was no escaping them; the sight of Bella curled in on herself as Jacob watched from the doorway, her quiet passivity and then her raging screams as she slept.
"We'll see," Bella conceded.
"Then I'll be waiting," Jacob said as he shot me an angry look.
You don't deserve her. I'll fight for her until my heart stops beating.
Bold words to be sure, but I would fight for her for every day of forever. We stared at each other until Bella reached my side and I gladly broke my gaze with him to smile at Bella as she took my hand.
"Take me home," she said simply.
"Gladly," I replied. Relieving her of her bag I put my arm around her shoulders and steered her towards the car. Bella cast Jacob an apologetic look but after that she didn't look back. Jacob stood trembling as we drove off, and my last glimpse of him in the side mirror was of him falling to his knees as the change overtook his body.
The drive was silent for a long moment and I glanced over at Bella repeatedly as she chewed at her lower lip and watched me just as carefully.
"Will the others be there?" she said at last.
I nodded at this.
"That's going to be tricky then," she began, "because you and I need to have a talk."
"I'll see what I can do," I began and sighed when my phone buzzed. Apparently Alice was keeping a close eye on the situation until Bella was safely home.
Everyone out. House is yours. Grovel if you have to.
"What did she say?" Bella looked at me curiously as I flicked a glance at the phone before stowing it back in my pocket.
"That we have the house to ourselves for a while," I replied.
"Good to know," Bella murmured.
True to Alice's word we arrived home to an empty house, although the fire in the living room had been left burning which added a comforting layer of warmth to the air.
"Would you like to sit here by the-," I began but stopped as Bella waved me off.
"Your room," she nodded towards the stairs and held out her hand.
It seemed that it was time for me to take my punishment, but I followed docilely as she led me up the stairs and to my room. Bella opened the door and stopped short with a quiet 'huh' of surprise.
Alice had done herself proud. The bed was an impressive display of comfort with enough pillows to satisfy even the fussiest sleeper. My chaise lounge had been relegated to the far corner of the room, making the bed the central focus of the room without overpowering it. I paused as I took in the sight as well. The notion of a bed in my room was a concept I hadn't considered until Bella.
Dropping her bag beside the door Bella walked towards the bed and sat on it as she removed her shoes before crawling across the comforter to sit cross legged with her back against the pillows. I hesitated in the doorway of the room wondering how she wanted to proceed, but moved forward with a sense of relief when she held out her hand for me to join her. Alice had flicked on a lamp by the window and so the room was bathed in a glow of soft light that threw our shadows on to the wall.
We sat knee to knee gazing at each other in silence for a long moment. Bella had seemed calm and preoccupied in the car on the way home, but how her inner thoughts began to betray themselves as I waited for her to speak. We were both aware that there was a lot of ground to cover, and for now the outcome of that conversation was uncertain. She was fidgeting; biting her lower lip and pulling at a loose thread on a worn patch on the knee of her jeans, flicking and playing with the same lock of hair over and over.
"Why did you do it?" she said at length.
"It seemed like the right thing to do," I replied. I kept my hands on my knees although my palms twitched to reach out and stroke her until she could relax and be still.
"Is that why you did it? Because it was the right thing to do, or because you wanted to do it?" Bella persisted.
"Because I had to," I replied. My mouth felt dry. This felt like the moment of truth and whatever I said now would determine if Bella would stay with me for now or never. "The other ... James. You were in your apartment and he was waiting outside. He told me that if we left they would move on."
"They?" Bella cocked her head at this.
"James and his ... mate," I said. Bella cocked her head and regarded me with narrowed eyes.
"I seem to recall you tripping over that word not long ago," Bella said in a thoughtful tone. "Go on, what happened next?"
"He was intrigued by you," I admitted. "He didn't understand what you mean to us. To me."
"And what is that?"
"You know the family loves you."
"And you?" Bella shuffled forward a little and rested her warm little hands on my thighs. "What do I mean to you, Edward?"
I slowly raised my gaze to meet Bella's and saw that she was holding her breath. She was right. I hadn't told her how I felt, assuming that she would know in the worshipful way I monitored her every move.
"You are my life," I admitted. I leaned forward slightly and Bella unconsciously mirrored my body language. Our breath mingled as we sat resting our foreheads together. "I love you with everything I have."
I closed my eyes. Whatever Bella would think of me now, surely she would no longer doubt my feelings for her. Clothing rustled as Bella reached up to cup my face in her hands.
"Oh Edward," Bella whispered and I felt my chest begin to crack and splinter at the grief I could hear in her voice. "You tell me that now, but you didn't hesitate to throw me away."
I ducked my head.
"Look at me," she commanded, and I looked up to see her eyes welling up. "Is that what love is to you? That you'll turn your back on it when the going gets rough?"
"I was trying to protect you," I burst out. "It was the only way I knew how."
"You could have told me," Bella remonstrated. Her hands felt cold now, either from prolonged contact with my skin or nervousness, I couldn't be sure.
"There wasn't time," I mumbled now.
Bella looked disbelieving at this and so I went on.
"He knew where you lived and Lauren was no accident. He was deliberately hunting you Bella. I did what I felt was best to try to keep you safe."
"And suddenly I had no say in the matter," Bella looked sad at this. "Don't you think that I would have wanted to stay by your side? It just feels like at the first sign of danger you couldn't get rid of me fast enough." She squeezed her eyes shut as she sighed, trying to process the situation. "Perhaps you were right," she shrugged, "maybe I am a liability."
"Don't say that," I snapped.
"Well it sure as hell feels like it right now," Bella gave me a blazing look now, her sadness warming in anger. "Am I a novelty for you? Are you going to deny what we have the next time we hit a bump in the road?"
"James is more than a bump," I chided her. "People are dying."
"You think I don't know that?" Bella's face was increasing in colour. "But what's it going to be next time that has you leaving me?"
"Bella," I began. "Please understand-,"
"Oh I'm trying to," she interrupted.
"Please," I could hear the pleading note in my voice now, "please try to understand. I could see James's thoughts. I could see what he wanted to do you and it made me-," I stopped and swallowed, "scared."
"So scared that you ran," Bella sighed. "Is that what you think love is? Is that the price of immortality, that you're too afraid to experience mortal feelings? That doesn't make you special, Edward, it makes you a coward."
"Perhaps," I agreed. "But I'm here now."
We looked at each other in silence for an agonising moment before Bella gave a slow nod.
"And so am I," she said. "Perhaps we're as bad as each other."
I released a long, shuddering sigh at her cautious words. James had me fearing for Bella's safety, but waiting for Bella's response had given me a taste of pure terror at the thought of her leaving me.
Bella raised a hand to stroke my cheek with gentle fingers and gave me a sad smile before leaning forward to press her lips against mine. We leaned into each other's embrace and the world fell away. Nothing else existed for me; nothing else mattered but her sweetness and warmth. She wrapped her arms around me and leaned back, gently urging me to follow her as she settled back against the pillows. Her tongue traced my lower lip but I kept my mouth resolutely closed. It wasn't until she tugged my shirt up from my jeans and ran her palm up and over my back that I gasped at the sensation and Bella made the most of the opportunity. Her tongue flickered against mine before retreating, and this time I was the one that followed. I broke away with a hoarse groan and stared at her with wide eyes. She was sprawled across the pillows like a cotton-clad siren as she gazed me with heavy eyes.
"What is it?" Bella whispered. "Are the others home?"
I shook my head as I gazed at her.
"Then what is it? What do you need?"
"More," I muttered as I lunged at her, running my tongue up her neck to suckle her earlobe as she gave a squirm of delight.
"Oh god," she moaned as she curled and undulated against me.
We fumbled and ground our bodies together as we both sought enough friction to generate the release our bodies demanded, and Bella whimpered as I ran my hand along the back of her thigh before hitching her leg over my hip. Her fingers tangled in my hair as she tried to hold me closer still. Her heart pounded in my ears and her blood …
I pulled back and gazed at her, watching as Bella smiled at the intensity of my regard.
"Do it," she whispered, and so that there would be no doubt what she meant, she turned her head to present her neck.
She held her breath as I leaned forward, releasing it in a sigh as I pressed my lips against the vein that pulsed and throbbed invitingly. I lapped at her skin, telling myself that I could all but taste her blood through the thin membrane.
"I'm not going to end your life," I whispered as she looked at me in confusion.
"You won't be ending it," she whispered back. "I'd get to share my existence with you, where's the end in that?"
"Not like this," I shook my head. I shifted slightly to keep my weight off her upper body.
"Oh really?" Bella indicated the bed we were on with a simple raised eyebrow. "It doesn't seem a bad way to start."
"You know what I mean," I replied and began to shift away, stopping when Bella tightened her legs around my waist.
Another impasse. No matter how close we'd start to get there was always an eternal wall between us. I was a vampire, and she was a human. Still, with everything that had happened perhaps I could hope that things could be different.
"Just give me … I need time to figure us out."
"Okay," Bella said as she pulled me down for another kiss, "but don't be too long. You might have forever, but I don't."
I was silent as I considered her words, and settled my head against the soft warmth of her chest, resolving to count her heartbeat for as long as I could. Perhaps she was the whole reason I became a vampire, so that I could live long enough to meet her. The others would be home soon and then the discussion about how we would protect our life and loves against the nomads. For the time being however we remained curled in each other's arms, in the calm before the storm.
A/N: Coming soon, the next chapter of Tailor Made! (wipes brow)