Disclaimer: Only fanfic, folks …
A/N: Garnet Allen – you've disabled messages on FF and I can't get in touch!
Unbeta'd, so mistakes are my own and will be corrected later when I don't have so many blind spots.
SLCh25
The sky was growing dark by the time our exploration of each other's bodies began to slow down. Bella sighed as she sprawled on her back, her hair a silken mass on the pillow. She reached across to paw at my shoulder and I took up the unspoken request and moved closer so that my head was on her chest.
I closed my eyes with bliss as Bella began to card her fingers through my hair, nuzzling her bare skin and pressing a kiss against it. Her heart was silent now, and whilst I missed the sound of her finite heartbeats there were too many other benefits to take into account. I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her with a rumble of content, simply because I could.
These moments with her as a newborn were precious. This was a time in her new life - her afterlife - when everything would be a new discovery; when her world was overwhelmingly detailed and perfect, where she was too far into sensory overload for her human life to intrude. Bella twitched in my arms and I close my eyes, willing the moment to last.
"Angela," Bella breathed.
And just like that the moment was gone. I raised my head to see Bella frowning at the ceiling as she tried to remember.
"There was something," Bella's expression slackened for a moment as she focussed on the grain in the wooden beams that crossed the ceiling.
"Something," I encouraged her to continue. A part of me wanted her to forget everything. I was a new lover and greedy for total possession, but it wasn't going to happen. At least, not until she had allowed her human life to slip away.
"Angela," Bella said again as she blinked and tried to focus on me, "she's important."
"She is," I agreed in a soft voice. "What can you remember?"
"I remember," Bella swallowed hard, "there was blood, lots of blood, and she was crying. She was disappearing down a corridor and calling my name." Bella shook her head. "No wait, that's not right. I was the one being pulled away."
"That's right," I nodded, sitting up and stroking her arms as she fought to recall what little detail she could. The venom from James and myself had entered her system soon after and the resulting cellular trauma it caused would have altered her short-term memory. It was like that for all of us. "It was James, he used Angela and Ben to get to us; do you remember that?"
"James," Bella cocked her head and jerkily raised her hand to look at the silver half crescent scar on her wrist. "He did this."
"Yes," I was amazed that I managed to sound so calm. He had been disposed of, but the mere fact that he had attacked my mate still made me angry. Moving slowly with conscious effort I raised the hand I was holding to my lips before turning it slightly so she could see the scar's twin. "And then I did this."
Bella gave me a hesitant smile as my lips touched her skin and then flinched as if my touch had burned.
"Angela," she surged into a sitting position, "is she safe? Where is she?" Bella clutched at my arms and I bit my lip to stifle my involuntary hiss of pain. She truly had no idea how strong she was.
"She's fine," I managed. "She and Ben were injured but it was all treatable. They were used as bait to get to us."
Bella narrowed her eyes as she studied my face and then slackened her grasp as she leaned back, considering.
"There's something you're not telling me."
It wasn't a question.
"The circumstances of your change were a challenge," I trailed off as I tried to work out the best way to break the news to her. "What would be unacceptable to others were opportunistic to us at the time, but there were … consequences."
Bella shook her head. "You're talking like a lawyer, just say what you have to say."
I looked at Bella to see the familiar 'I want' line between her brows. Things had changed but others remained the same; Bella's stubbornness for one thing. How was she going to deal with the outcome of a situation that she had run into, and then begged me to finish?
"Say it," Bella insisted, "out loud."
I hesitated, wishing I had Alice's foresight.
"You're dead," I said simply.
"I know," she nodded raising an involuntary hand to her chest where her heart should be beating.
"It's more than that. Everyone believes you're dead."
"How?" Bella's question was a whisper.
"James is dead, killed just after he attacked you. The only way to ensure our kind stay dead is to tear the body apart and burn the pieces." I shifted in the bed beside her, noting with some relief that Bella didn't move away. Bad enough that we were having this conversation naked let alone Bella withdrawing emotionally as well.
"So what did you do?"
"Just that," I nodded. "Emmett, Jasper and Alice took care of James while Carlisle and I attended to you."
"And Angela?" Bella was staring at nothing now, her gaze turned inwards as she perhaps tried to conjure up the memory of the scene I was describing. By the time James had been dismembered Bella had been succumbing to the venom that was re-writing her DNA and convincing me to speed up the process. She was plucking at the bed sheet puddled at our waists, heedless that her absent-minded action was ripping the cotton as if it were little more than a cobweb.
"The last she saw of you was when James was dragging you out of the room. She would've heard some screaming before the fire started."
"No," Bella shook her head, "it wasn't supposed to be like this."
"I know." I had to choose my words carefully. Newborns ran on pure instinct, and with her mind still closed to me I had no way of predicting what she would do next. "We all did what we thought was best at the time."
Bella gave a low groan at this and wriggled away from me to get out of bed. She got to her feet and turned to look at me, so preoccupied that she had forgotten she was gloriously naked. Concerned for her as I was, I couldn't help but pause to admire the view.
"Come on," Bella gave a peremptory flick of her hand, "we're getting cleaned up and then I need to talk to the others."
Somehow I managed not to smile at the incongruous situation we were in. Bella was a newborn, we were mated, she was trying to process her new life and all the while she was standing at the foot of the bed completely nude talking about getting dressed and seeing my family. It seemed the more things changed the more they stayed the same; Bella was as unpredictable as ever.
o * o * o * o
When we appeared at the main house my family's surprise mirrored my own. Alice stood blinking in the doorway as we approached across the clearing.
"You mean you didn't know we were coming?" Bella commented as we drew near. Of course, she could have spoken as soon as we emerged from the tree line and Alice would have heard her perfectly, but Bella didn't know that yet.
"You really think I'd check in on what you two were up to? Give me some credit." Alice managed to look amused and indignant all at once. "You have questions."
And just like that Bella's wry smile was done. Alice's gaze flickered towards me.
Sorry, Edward.
I gave a minute shake of my head to absolve Alice's guilt at the sudden drop in mood. Bella was in for a rough time, and although we wanted to shield her from it as much as we could the world was still going to intrude.
"Hey," Emmett greeted as he appeared in the doorway with a mocking grin on his face. "Hells Bells, don't tell me you've worn him out already. Edward, do we need to have a talk man to man?"
"Emmett," Jasper stepped forward with his hands stretched towards Bella in a placatory gesture, "now's not the time."
It was Rosalie who stepped forward to discuss the elephant in the room.
"You've told her," she said, addressing me to the exclusion of everyone else. It wasn't a question.
"Some," I allowed, shooting Bella a sideways glance as she submitted to embraces from Esme and Alice.
"How much does she know?" Rosalie went on.
"Enough that she doesn't like being spoken about as if she wasn't here," Bella interjected. Bella stepped towards me to my side, and I was struck by the slight jerkiness of her movements. She had never referred to herself as graceful, but now she telegraphed her motion as she tried to find the balance between vampire and human speed. Her attempts at control were staggering, but given her stubbornness, perhaps not surprising.
"I beg your pardon," Rosalie murmured with a dry smile and a slight inclination of her head. "Given you're a newborn I wasn't expecting you to be quite so … present … for these conversations."
Bella looked in askance at Alice who promptly rubbed her hand in a gesture to reassure.
"You're doing fine," she soothed.
"Somehow I doubt it," Bella replied with a wry smile of her own despite the gravity of the situation.
"Shall we?" This time it was Esme who spoke up, gesturing for us to sit and discuss the matter like civilised beings. Had we been human it would not have been entirely out of place for Esme to offer tea. Going by the wild look in Bella's eyes as we sat down and made ourselves comfortable, I could see the thought had occurred to her as well.
"Bella, I'm sure you have some questions," Carlisle began as he leaned forward, steepling his fingers as he regarded our newest addition to the family. "This will be a difficult period of acclimation that you-,"
"I'm dead," Bella broke in, blinking when Carlisle winced at the bluntness of her words. "Sorry," she looked at me and reached for my hand that I offered readily, "Edward told me that as far as the world is concerned I'm dead. How the hell does that work?"
This time it was Jasper who spoke.
"We needed to cover our tracks and find a way to dispose of James's body," he explained in a voice that oozed compassion and reassurance, "it was the easiest way."
"Easier for who?" Bella replied, and this time I could hear the bitterness in her voice.
"For everyone," Jasper's tone was firmer this time, and I felt Bella shrink a little against my side in response. "Dire though the situation was at the time, it wasn't entirely about you."
"If you say so," Bella mumbled, subsiding but rebellious as she struggled to comprehend the situation.
"To be fair, you weren't actually much of a participant in the situation at the time," Rosalie offered.
"Something we agree on," Bella nodded.
"But," Rosalie continued, "there's going to come a time when you'll have to accept that you were the architect of your own destruction."
"What?" Bella's surprise was genuine.
"Didn't Edward tell you to stay put? You can't deny that we were trying to keep you safe," Rosalie replied, her eyes narrowed as she watched Bella's twitching reaction, "and yet at the first chance you got you were running straight into a situation you knew nothing about."
"Angela needed me," Bella protested, "I wanted to make sure she was all right."
"And yet denying Edward the same opportunity." Rosalie was relentless. Emmett leaned forward as if to say something and then after a quick look at his mate's expression thought better of it.
"I-," Bella stopped and then blinked furiously as if trying to hold back tears that would never come. "I never really felt like there was any danger."
"That's because we're good at what we do, but even our abilities only extend so far," Carlisle remonstrated.
"Particularly when others take it upon themselves to-," Rosalie began again only to be silenced by a look from Carlisle.
"Okay I'm getting the message," Bella gritted, "I thought I was safe when clearly I wasn't, but I can work around this."
"Oh really?" Rosalie openly scoffed at this.
Bella twitched at my side as she and my sister matched each other stare for stare.
"Girls," Jasper's voice was strained, "do we really have to do this now?'
"I think we do," Rosalie replied, flicking her hair off her shoulders in a way that had the simple gesture screaming of contempt. "She'll have to see sense sooner or later."
"And we're back to talking like I'm not here," Bella muttered in an undertone.
I reached out to rub my hand over the small of Bella's back in a soothing gesture. It seemed to work for a moment as she released a shaky sigh, but I felt her muscles tense beneath my hand when Rosalie began speaking again.
"Seriously Bella, what were you thinking?" Rosalie sighed and shook her head. "How many times did we tell you being with us was dangerous?"
"All the time," Bella conceded.
"You knew what we were, your own friends kidnapped you to try and get some sense into you but you wouldn't budge," Rosalie continued.
Bella glanced down and clenched her right hand into a fist. It was the same hand she had broken when she had punched Jacob. It would never break again.
"What were you expecting," Rosalie was relentless, "that you would become one of us and have a happily every after delivered to you tied up with a big fat red bow?"
"No," Bella shook her head. "Maybe. I don't know." She risked a glance at me and to my horror her face puckered as she ducked her head.
The emotion in the room shifted slightly, moving carefully towards acceptance as we sat and watched Bella try to formulate her response.
"It's just," she began and then heaved a ragged sigh, "it's all so much. You say I ignored the danger, and perhaps I did. I wanted to be with Edward so badly that I didn't want to consider the cost."
"Are you disappointed?" I ventured in a quiet voice, both wanting and dreading to hear her answer.
"To be honest, yeah, I think I am," Bella gave me a slight smile.
Alice's hiss was involuntary, but her reaction spoke for all of us.
"I kinda thought I'd get some sort of super ability like you, but it turns out I'm still just me." Bella's smile grew a little wider as I reached up to trace a finger down her cheek.
"I think you're perfect just the way you are," I promised.
"And therein lies the problem," Bella went on. She turned to look at the rest of my family, her movement brushing my fingertips across her cheek making her pause to nuzzle into my touch. "I've never felt more alive, and yet you're telling me that I have to play dead?"
"You must for the sake of all of us," Carlisle's voice was quiet but his words resonated in the quiet. He reached out and took Esme's hand as he looked at Bella, his expression radiating concern.
"Carlisle's right, this isn't going to be as easy as you saying you're going to change colleges and then skipping the ten year reunion," Rosalie said. Her tone was shifting, warming with understanding as Bella hovered on the knife-edge between grief and acceptance.
"I g-guess a part of me always knew that," Bella stuttered, "but-," she broke off and gave everyone a pleading look.
"Knowledge and experience are two different things," Esme said from her place at Carlisle's side. Her smile was gentle and tinged with regret as she regarded Bella.
"We're sorry, Bella, truly," Alice leaned forward as she spoke, her eyes wide as she projected her sincerity. "I swear I looked, I was watching all the time but I couldn't see any other outcome other than," she broke off and gave a slight shake of her head.
"Other than what?" Bella's hand clutched at my arm again, although she released it with an apologetic grimace when I gave a slight wince of protest.
"We didn't have much time, the venom was overtaking your system so quickly and then you started to argue with Edward," Alice was temporising now, almost stammering as she built her case.
"And then that?" Bella prodded. I could tell she was impatient but she sat at my side watching Alice fumble her way towards Bella's painful truth.
"The choices were to change you or to try to suck out the venom and watch you die," Alice concluded.
Bella stared at Alice for what felt like an eternity before she turned her measuring gaze on myself.
"You would have stayed to watch me die of old age?"
"It wouldn't have been like that," Carlisle answered. "The venom from James had entered your bloodstream long enough to pose a serious danger. We could have tried sucking out the venom but that would have been a localised treatment at best. The residual traces would have been enough to weaken your immune system and cause a lifetime of suffering."
"How much of a lifetime?" Bella asked after a moment's consideration.
"Difficult to say, but you would have endured perhaps a few years of treatments with little chance of success," Carlisle sighed.
If Bella had any further questions she kept them to herself. I looked at the man I regarded as my father and realised that for the first time in years he looked truly exhausted. Introducing each new member of our family had led to other such discussions in the past. Bella's situation was different in that she had willingly embraced our nature. With that knowledge however, came complications. Bella had enjoyed an independent life; she was employed and had a circle of friends that would notice her absence. She had been seen with me and we had been accepted as a couple. Her disappearance was linked to my family; subtle ties to be sure, but they were the first such ties to have been established with humans in decades.
"What about college? I was going to be graduating in a couple of months … and you guys," Bella asked, waving a hand to indicate Jasper and Alice sitting nearby.
"Not any more," Jasper replied from his place beside Alice.
"God," Bella dropped her head into her hands, "this just keeps getting worse." Her words dropped like stone into my chest.
Alice gave me a heartfelt look and even Rosalie twitched a little at Bella's words. There was a beat of silence before Bella seemed to realise what she had said.
"No, wait that wasn't what I meant," Bella scrubbed at her face with her hands and then gave me a distraught look before abruptly getting to her feet. "I need some air," she announced, and then cocked her head. "No I don't. I just … I need to be outside."
"Right," I nodded as she spoke. She needed to get away. Perhaps that meant she needed to get away from me as well. My whole world was now and would forever be centred around Bella. All I could do was love her for the rest of my existence and hope that she felt a fraction of the same for me.
It wasn't fair. None of us had chosen this life but we had all been changed in different times. It would be entirely different for Bella. Rosalie's disappearance had been a scandal at the time that had become more of a talking point after she had taken her revenge against the men who had raped her and left her for dead. Even then the police had only a few files of paper and disparaging testimonies against her fiancé.
For Bella it would be another matter entirely; digital photographs that would never fade and disintegrate, Facebook accounts in memoriam, Internet news reports … there would always be threads of her human life that would follow her into the next. Perhaps with better preparation or more time we could have engineered a way for Bella to fade away from the world. Instead James had changed all of that, and she and I had gotten greedy in the heat of the moment - quite literally in my case.
Edward, stop worrying and look at what's in front of you.
I blinked at Jasper's sharp mental 'nudge' and saw Bella standing up and reaching out a hand in supplication.
"Come with?"
"Always," I nodded and took her hand.
Bella led me outside and released me, tipping her head back and closing her eyes as she stepped outside into the afternoon sunshine. Her skin sparkled like my own but she hadn't noticed it yet. Sighing she reached up and clutched at her head, combing her fingers through her hair as she took a deep and unnecessary breath.
"Fuuuuuuuuuuck," she sighed.
The others were still inside but I could hear their amusement at Bella's proclamation. Although I couldn't bring myself to use such language, I had to agree with the sentiment. Shoving my hands into my pockets I watched her pace forward towards a large boulder that marked the edge of the driveway that led back through the forest towards the road. What I would have given to be able to read her thoughts right now.
Bella stood staring unseeingly at the tree line for a long moment, her body practically vibrating with tension. Without warning she turned and punched the boulder with a hiss of frustration. Of course, the impact point exploded in a puff of dust and a large fissure appeared. Bella's surprise as she flinched back was almost comical and despite the gravity of the situation I had to bite my lip to hide my smile. She stood blinking at the boulder before reaching out a hand that only trembled slightly as she traced her initials onto the rock with no effort.
Bella gave a quiet huff of amusement at this and then narrowed her eyes in thought. This time she sank her hand into the rock and crumbled a fistful of stone into dust. Another pause and then Bella attached the boulder in earnest, kicking and punching as the boulder exploded into fragments. What had sounded like giggles dissolved into grunts of effort as Bella flew at the stone, trying to shred it into oblivion. When there was nothing left to destroy Bella stood covered in a fine layer of dust, her shoulders shaking with tearless sobs.
Pacing forward I took her in my arms.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered as I smoothed my hands over her hair, her back, her arms, anything I could in a bid to make her feel better.
"What have I done?" Bella spoke into my shirtfront.
"I'm so sorry," I kissed her hair. "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry."
"For what?" Bella pulled back to look at me. "You think I'm throwing a pity party for one?"
"Well-," I hesitated. All signs were that Bella was mourning her humanity. Had I been so wrong?
"Edward," Bella cupped my face in her hands and gave me a sad smile. "This isn't all about me."
"It isn't?"
"I'd like to think that I'm not that selfish," Bella replied. She released me and ran her hands down my neck, pressing her palms against my chest. "Mom always used to tell me to be careful what I wished for. I guess those words are coming back to haunt me now."
"It wasn't entirely up to you at the time," I replied. I stared at her, trying to read her thoughts by strength of will alone.
"Well no," Bella nodded her acceptance. "We both had our reasons."
"Two," I commented as I reached up and rubbed her bottom lip with my thumb.
"What?"
"I had two reasons," I said.
"What was the first?" Bella asked, fascinated.
"Because you told me to," I said, my gaze fixating on her lips as she kissed the pad of my thumb. I withdrew my hand before we could get too distracted.
"And what was the second?"
"I'll save that for another time," I said.
"Hmmm," Bella nodded at this in a way that told me she was not going to let the matter drop but was prepared to bide her time. "In any case, here we are, I got what I wanted, but at a huge price." Bella indicated the house behind me with a jerk of her chin. "Everyone on campus is going to be watching you now wondering what you're all going to do; all because I couldn't stay in the car for a few minutes more."
"We can move on," I reassured her, but Bella shook her head.
"I don't want the family to move because of me," Bella rubbed her palms on my shirt, stopping when the gesture ripped the fabric. Her face crumpled as she plucked at the tear, trying to fix what she had torn. "I've screwed everything up."
"No you haven't," Rosalie said from behind us.
Bella peered around me to see the others standing on the porch, and then ducked her head against my chest with a sigh.
"It's just a little complicated," Jasper temporised.
"But nothing we can't handle," Alice completed with a gentle smile.
Bella shifted in my grasp and I slackened my grip so that we could both turn and walk back towards the house. Emmett smirked at our approach and I glanced down at my ruined shirt with a grimace, knowing what was coming.
"Tearing clothes off Edward already I see," Emmett commented.
Bella cocked her head and sighed at him. "Seriously, you're going to start those gags now?"
"Get used to it, there's plenty more where that came from," Rosalie matched Bella's wry smile. She caught my eye and raised a brow at my mild surprise. Don't get too excited, Edward, but I think she's going to be okay.
"You know it," Emmett was looking pleased with himself.
"We'll see how smug you're looking when I arm wrestle you into submission," Bella replied in a voice that sounded too calm.
I rubbed my top lip in a bid to hide my smile. Like any newborn, Bella's moods and reactions were mercurial; her transition from guilt to sibling banter was a welcome relief given the circumstances. Bella glanced at me and moved close to put her arm around my waist. I put my arm around her shoulders out of sheer reflex, smiling when she insinuated her hand beneath my shirt. We both winced at the telltale sound of cotton tearing.
"Sorry," Bella apologised as Emmett threw his head back and laughed.
Jasper leaned against the porch balustrade and grinned at me, winking when I gave him a speculative look. Bella's mood had shifted and he was amplifying it to make everyone feel better. I gave a brief nod of thanks.
"So what happens next?" Bella asked.
As one, we all looked at Alice who gave us a sad smile before she began to speak.
o * o * o * o * o
For the last sixty years my family had worked at being unobtrusive. It was a process that had worked beautifully until now, but the situation we were in demanded new patterns of behaviour. I ducked my head and cut across the campus green in a way that would take me to my next class with hopefully the least amount of interactions. Bella's social circle was mercifully small, but I could still see heads turning to follow my progress. The sense of grief at Bella's death was genuine, although for some speculation was rife as to whether she had succumbed to the serial killer first or the flames.
People were expecting me to look grief stricken and I delivered; it was no act. Every day I had classes I had to leave Bella back at the house with the family, and it was hell. This was the time in her new existence when she was at her most vulnerable. Her impulse control was unpredictable and her thirst would feel insatiable until she adapted to our alternate lifestyle. Human blood would satisfy her in a way that animal blood never could, but such transgressions would be unthinkable. My phone beeped in my pocket and I dug it out as I walked, forcing myself to walk at a slow and measured pace.
All good. B working her way through Carlisle's library, still bitching about her final paper. Misses you. A.
Sighing, I put the phone away. I missed her too. Every day we were apart I got back to the house to see Bella waiting for me at the end of the drive, nearly crying with need as she wrapped herself around me the moment I got out of the car. We were spending every available moment at the cabin.
"Does it ever stop? The wanting?" Bella had asked one afternoon when we lay naked in each other's warms, almost mindless with relaxation.
"No," I had smiled and kissed her. "Never."
There he is. Edward. He looks wrecked …
I looked up at 'hearing' my name and saw Angela watching me from where she stood. I ducked my head and kept walking towards her. I hadn't realised she was going to be back on campus today, this was going to be hard.
"Hey," she began with an awkward smile that wobbled as I drew near.
"Hey, Angela," I began, stopping when Angela burst into tears and threw herself at me. I had to remind myself to stagger back a step with a muffled 'oof' as her body impacted with mine. I put my arms around her with as much care as I could. It had only been a week but I had already adapted to Bella's new body. Had I really been able to be around someone so fragile for so long? Angela's body shook and I could feel her ribcage jerking with sobs.
Sorry I'm so sorry oh Bella sorry all my fault Bella Bella Bella
"Hey," I soothed, "it's not your fault." My words were meant to reassure but they only made her cry harder.
"How can you say that? Bella wouldn't have been there if it hadn't been for that psycho using my phone."
My shirt was getting damp with tears and I didn't want to think about what else. Angela got herself under control and fumbled in her pocket for a tissue to dab at her face. I reached out and patted her shoulder with just the right amount of awkward. Alice would have been proud if she had been there to see it, but she was at home watching Bella in every capacity at her disposal.
"They were the ones that did this, not you," I said. "How's Ben?"
He's asking about Ben when he's just lost …
"He'll be okay. He's blaming himself for this and-,"
"Angela, no." I took her hands in my own and held her gaze. "Please don't do this. You two have each other and that's the important thing here. Bella loved you both, and she'd want you to be happy." I swallowed hard at this. I would give Bella a full report on the conversation when I got home.
Angela's face was blotchy and streaked with tears, but she was blushing with life and to me that would always be beautiful. I hoped that Ben would always feel the same way, and made a mental note to have Alice watch for Angela as the years went by. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I ignored it, knowing that Alice would simply be confirming my decision.
Other students were giving us curious and sympathetic looks as they passed. Angela was getting herself under control, and on impulse I draped a companionable arm around her shoulders and steered her towards the building I had been heading for. Once inside I paused in one of the archways and released Angela to give her what I hoped would be a reassuring smile, one without too many teeth however, less it bring back unpleasant memories. Reaching up I brushed away her tears as carefully as I could. Angela hadn't known me to be overly demonstrative, although she had seen Bella draped over me often enough so she knew I wasn't adverse to touch. It was a human gesture on my part, one designed to reassure and comfort.
It didn't quite work.
"He was cold too," Angela said in a faraway voice.
"What?"
"Him," Angela's expression twisted. She hadn't known his name but the tone of her voice informed me of whom she referred. "He ran his fingers down my throat when he thought I was unconscious."
I pulled my hand away and shoved them in my pockets. Angela blinked and the colour drained from her face.
"There was something different about him," Angela went on, her voice growing stronger as her memory began to fill in the gaps, "something wrong."
"Definitely," I muttered.
Angela looked at me and then clutched at my sleeve. "Oh Edward, I wasn't saying that you're … I mean, your hands were a bit cool and it just reminded me of-," she broke off and shook her head. "I'm sorry."
"I know. You've been through a lot. Are you seeing anyone that can help you?"
"I am," Angela nodded and wiped her eyes. "Dr Cullen, I mean your Dad, referred me to a therapist, and Ben's going to see them too."
"Good," I soothed. "You guys need to heal as best you can."
"But what about you?" Angela looked distressed.
"I'll be okay," I offered her a slight smile. "We can get through this."
o * o * o * o * o
"I don't know how I'm going to get through this," Bella whispered against my neck.
We were standing beside the car, Bella with her arms around my neck as we simply held each other for a long moment. She twitched and snuffled in my arms, acquainting herself with the different smells that I had accumulated throughout the day. Angela's scent was mild but distinctly human, and Bella had flinched at the involuntary growl she had given when she had detected it.
"Angela's going to be fine," I told Bella in between kisses. "She'll heal in time."
"Right," Bella gave an unhappy nod. "Anything else I need to know about?"
"The police want to talk to me," I replied. "Its okay. Carlisle and Jasper will come with me."
"Why would … oh. Carlisle for the father-figure authority, and Jasper who help with the mood."
I nodded. Once again Bella had cut to the chase and assessed the situation.
"And I get to stay here. Again." Bella said with gloomy relish. "This really blows."
"I know, and I've been thinking about that," I said. "We're moving."
"What?"
"You and I. We're leaving. We'll go to Europe and lose ourselves for a few years. Jasper can arrange a new name and passport for you." I rested my hands on Bella's hips as I spoke, feeling a surge of excitement as I outlined the plan I had been developing over the last few days. Bella nodded as I spoke, seemingly entranced with the notion until her expression clouded and she shook her head. "What?"
"It's too much. I can't ask the family to give everything up for me."
"They won't be. It'll be just us for a while until the others join us in a few years."
"What about college?"
"So I'll flunk out. No-one will be surprised, and it's not like I don't have enough degrees already."
"You're giving up so much," Bella said, although her protest sounded weak to both of us.
"Compared to you giving up your humanity for me? This doesn't even begin to compare, but I'll spend the rest of forever making it up to you."
Bella pursed her lips as she considered my words and then stepped back, pulling me with her as she turned and began to walk with elaborate casualness in the direction of the cabin. I alternated between looking ahead and then looking at Bella's face. She was looking pleased with herself, and I didn't know if that pleased or worried me.
"Bella?"
"Just thinking," she waved away my concern.
The cabin was in sight now, and Bella gave a pleased hum when we were inside. Without another word she turned and began to unbutton my shirt. It took her a while. Her control was improving daily but she still managed to snap a couple of buttons as she worked.
"Sweetheart?"
She pushed my shirt aside and kissed my chest, licking and nipping at the skin in a way that had me closing my eyes and running my hands down her sides to cup her bottom.
"So here's the thing," Bella breathed as she busied herself with helping me off with my shirt.
"Mmm?" I gazed at her, heavy lidded as I reached out to help her with her own shirt. It seemed only fair, and fortunately Bella seemed to agree.
"What you said earlier about leaving."
That had my full attention, and I paused in the action of slipping her bra straps off her shoulders.
"Did you say making up, or making out?"
I smiled at her as relief washed through me. Perhaps leaving wasn't the best solution, but spending time apart from my newborn mate was unacceptable to me. Perhaps Bella was beginning to feel the same way.
"Whichever you prefer," I assured her in a grave tone.
"Ah," Bella shimmied out of the scraps of lace and then pressed her naked chest against mine, "well why don't we try the making out option first and then take it from there?"
Later she made a soft growling noise and sank her teeth into my neck as we rocked and stroked our way towards bliss.
o * o * o * o * o
The next few days progressed much as Alice has predicted. I had attended the police station to give statements and verify my whereabouts. My presence was a formality at best, as Angela and Ben had both attested that Bella arrived on the scene alone. Carlisle had embodied fatherly concern and stately grief, and Jasper had quietly stood to one side projecting sincerity.
A few days later I was at Angela and Bella's apartment meeting the two people I had both been looking forward to and dreading. Bella's parents had long divorced but had both appeared to collect her belongings and set her final affairs in order. Bella was a curious mix of them both; her easy acceptance of people came from her mother, Renee. Bella's astuteness when it came to observing human nature was clearly the legacy of her father, Charlie.
Renee had been wrecked with grief, sagging against her ex-husband and hugging everyone she came into contact with. Charlie was an entirely different specimen. A policeman himself, he had insisted on visiting the charred remains of the lab building, and meeting with the forensic team as if to reassure himself that the monster who had killed his daughter had likewise perished. I had no doubt that if there had been the slightest hint the killer had survived, Charlie would not rest until he had brought him to justice.
It was unbearable to be around them.
Renee latched on to me, asking as many questions about her daughter's final weeks as she could. Wanting to know the smallest details; what cereal Bella liked, what colour Converse she favoured the most, wanting to see the playlists on her ipod. She was desperately trying to create a living memory of the daughter she had lost, and it fell to me to fill in the blanks.
Charlie had perfunctorily shaken my hand and then simply stood and stared at me for a long time. When he was at last satisfied that he had my measure he had nodded and grunted once.
"Well that's it then," he offered.
"Pardon?"
"The boys on the Res told me Bella was involved with you," Charlie replied. "Young Jake wasn't very complimentary but that's rivalry for you."
"True," I admitted. "But Bella knows … knew … her own mind." It was an easy slip of the tongue to make, but Charlie accepted it at face value. Everyone was stumbling over past and present tenses when talking about Bella, as if believing she was somehow going to come back. If only they knew.
Charlie's moustache twitched as he tried not to smile.
"How long did it take you to work that out?"
"Not long at all," I muttered, thinking of how much Bella had challenged me in the early days.
"Hell, she was like that from the get go," Charlie mused. His eyes became shiny and he ducked his head in a way that made it feel like Bella was standing in the room with us.
"Bella does .. used to do that," I said.
"Huh?" Charlie squinted at me in confusion.
"The, uh, head duck thing," I gestured at Charlie as I spoke. "Whenever Bella got called out on something or she was feeling shy she'd dip her head just like that."
"Was there anything of me?" Renee had entered the living room where we had been waiting. Renee had commandeered the right to pack up Bella's bedroom and we had complied. Alice had already visited the apartment a few days earlier to collect a handful of books and sentimental tokens that Bella had requested.
"Your way with people," I replied instantly. "Before I knew Bella I saw her in the book store on campus a few times. Everyone that spoke to her always left with a smile."
Renee blinked rapidly at this and had pulled me in for yet another tight, quick hug.
"I wish we'd met you sooner," Renee whispered against my ear. "She sounded so happy when she talked about you."
"We were happy," I agreed. I patted Renee's back and released her, taking a step back to regard them both. "Your daughter was the most amazing person I've ever met."
"And stubborn," Charlie interjected.
"Impatient, let's not forget that," Renee added.
"Determined," Charlie went on.
"Funny too, remember her saying she wanted to have a chinchilla ranch when she was nine?"
The mood in the room began to life as Charlie and Renee listed Bella's strengths and faults. I stood listening to them and occasionally interjecting a comment of my own that reduced them to tearful laughter.
I felt like a fraud, sharing space with her parents as they mourned her, knowing all the while she was waiting for me a few miles away. My guilt was tempered with my own fascination. Charlie and Renee were offering facets and insights into the child that had grown into the woman I loved. The foundations of Bella's personality were known to them before Bella had even known herself, and I soaked up every word that was offered. Every word, every intonation, every mannerism they uttered was committed to my flawless memory so that I might relay it all to Bella when she needed it. Their love for their daughter would be the only tribute I could offer her come the day they were lost to her forever, just as they thought she was lost now.
It was hours before I returned home, and I arrived to see the main house quiet. Tilted my head, tongue flickering out to taste the air. The usual distinctive scents were there, although they were old. Wherever people were, they were away from the house and otherwise occupied. Bella's scent wove throughout the house as if she had been wandering aimlessly from room to room. I followed it up the stairs and knew where she could be as I reached the landing. I stopped tracking and simply walked towards my bedroom and opened the door.
Bella was curled up on the bed, trying to make herself as small as possible amongst the ridiculous number of pillows that Alice had provided. Her eyes were open and she wordlessly opened her arms to me as I approached. Kicking off my shoes I crawled across the comforter and wrapped myself around her. Bella rested her cheek against my chest and then jerked back as if scalded.
"Mom," Bella's voice cracked on the word. Her breathing became harsh and choppy as her chest heaved with sobs. She said nothing more, just curled into my chest clutching at my shirt. Her sobs became harder when she shifted enough to pick up Charlie's scent. In time she would question me about them, demanding details about our meeting, and I would be able to tell her everything. For now, I pulled her closer and rested my cheek against her hair as she shook and whimpered in my arms.
o * o * o * o * o
"We have to go."
Bella's voice was soft and I glanced down at where she was curled against my side, her head resting on my chest. We were sitting outside on the porch, on the same sofa where my family had once sat enraptured at the sight of a human curled up asleep in my arms. Had it really only been a few weeks ago? So much had changed that I could scarcely credit it. Alice had known of course, although the image of a golden-eyed laughing Bella had yet to appear.
"Where do you want to go?" I asked, my voice drowsy with relaxation. We had hunted earlier. Jasper had insisted that the more Bella fed, the easier she find it to stay in control. I had watched Bella swallow hard against her thirst at this, and had dragged her into the forest immediately. Bella took Jasper's advice as seriously as I did, and she fed enough to comment with a wry smile that she was almost sloshing as she walked.
"Away from here," she replied. "It's too much, Edward."
"I know," I admitted. "Knowing your friends and family are nearby must-,"
"It's not just me," Bella interrupted. "I'm talking about everyone else. Carlisle keeps worrying about me, Esme worries because he worries, Alice is looking at the future so much that she's not enjoying herself now, and Jasper looks exhausted."
I paused at this. She had a point. Jasper had taken it upon himself to lighten the emotional climate of the house as much as he could, at tremendous cost. It seemed that the only two who weren't affected as much as the others were Rosalie and Emmett. Rosalie had endured similar loss when she had been changed, channelling her anger into revenge. As far as she was considered the situation was one for Bella to deal with on her own merit. Emmett as always, operated on his loyal assumption that Bella was going to be fine. He took tremendous pride in his little sister, as evidenced by his constant good-natured teasing. Bella took it all well, regarding him with a kind of exasperated fondness that we all exhibited on occasion. She knew there was far more to Emmett than what he chose to project, although I think even she would have been shocked to see him dismembering James with calm discipline that spoke volumes of his inner rage that one of his loved ones was hurt.
"Are you sure?" I kissed her hair and waited for her answer.
"No. I don't know that I'll ever be sure of anything. Except you," she lifted her head up to offer me a quick smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "The sooner we go, the sooner I can start getting used to all of this away from all my other memories."
"Do you want to forget?"
"Never, but I want it to hurt less. Distance and time will help."
I closed my eyes at this, knowing she was indirectly quoting what I had told her in the meadow when I tried to leave her. Bella shifted against me and I took the opportunity to nuzzle her neck, inhaling deeply when she obligingly tilted her head back.
"Still good?"
"Better than good," I affirmed as I pressed kisses down her neck.
"I'd wondered," Bella mused. "I used to think it was because I smelled like a really good burger that you found me attractive."
"A burger?" I frowned in confusion at this.
"Something good to eat, whatever," Bella offered a lazy wave by way of explanation. The gesture made her pause and study the pale crescent shaped scar on her wrist. "Maybe that's why James wouldn't leave us alone. Maybe I smelled good to him too."
"All humans smell good," I admitted, "but you were …," I broke off and shrugged.
Bella shifted until she was able to look me in the eyes.
"You can't leave me hanging," she challenged. "I was what?"
"Exquisite," I smiled. "Delectable, beautiful, funny, charming, warm, shall I go on?"
"Uh no, you can stop now," Bella smiled and ducked her head in a gesture that signalled her embarrassment in the same way that her blushes used to. "I just thought that level of appeal might have changed now that I'm not human."
"Bella, there's no-one else for me, there never will be." I gazed at her until she bit her lip and had to look away from the strength of my regard. "The other reason," I said suddenly.
"What?"
"I said there was a second reason for changing you."
"Right, and what was it?"
"Because I wanted you," I said in a gentle voice, "more than I've ever wanted anything."
"So when I was asking you to change me why did you hesitate?"
"Because I didn't think I deserved you. Even though you accepted what I was I felt guilty about condemning you to this existence."
"I came willingly," Bella argued.
"Oh really? And what about the last few days," I asked.
"That's … it's … I'm adjusting," Bella said at last. "It's hard." She drew in a shaky breath. "It's incredibly hard, realising that I've had to let everyone go without saying goodbye. "
I could think of nothing to say at this point, but Bella continued.
"Then I look at you, and I'm home." She leaned closer and brushed her lips over mine in a gentle kiss. The porch was silent but for the sounds of two people rearranging themselves into a comfortable position, as tightly entwined as it was possible to be and still remain decent.
The sky was growing darker now and I could see the faint pinpricks of the evening stars beginning to twinkle. Bella's scent wove itself around me and I closed my eyes to map its complexity anew. When she had been a human her scent had triggered a thirst like nothing I had ever known, and she had been my true north ever since. No matter where I was I could always align myself unerringly to where she was. Even when the wolves had thought to spirit her away I had followed them until she was back in my arms. Now her scent was every bit as appealing, but not instead of thirst it brought me only peace. I could never have had one without the other.
"Penny for your thoughts?" I ventured after a long moment of silence.
Bella's shoulders shook with amusement.
"Somehow I don't think that's the first time you're going to say that. Maybe I should set up a savings account."
"There are benefits to that arrangement," I mused, "think of the compound interest over the decades."
"True," Bella nodded slowly as if awed with the thought.
I was about to offer something more when I heard something inside.
"Carlisle's excited," I said in a mild tone, "he's coming outside to tell us about it."
True to my word, Carlisle appeared a moment later lit up with the joy of discovery.
"My research is paying off," he said as he approached and sat down opposite us.
"Edward just told me," Bella replied.
"Oh, you mean you know?" Carlisle's smile faltered. But I wanted to be the one …
"Only that you were pleased with yourself," I explained, not wanting to steal his thunder.
"Ah." My apologies, Son.
I inclined my head and gestured for him to continue.
"I've been studying as many records as I can, trying to find out what our kind may have written about singers," Carlisle resumed as he gave me a swift nod of thanks.
"You have written records?" Bella was surprised.
"Not many," Carlisle admitted, "but there are … avenues of study that are available to a privileged few."
"But I thought that paper records would … wait, are you talking about an oral history?"
"Correct," Carlisle said, impressed. She has a refined sense of insight. Edward, I think we're seeing the first glimpses of what Bella's gift may be. "With our perfect recall it makes for an excellent knowledge store around the world."
"So what have you found out?" Bella slackened her grip on me to lean forwards as Carlisle spoke.
"There are indigenous cultures around the world that had oral histories before they had a written language. Still cultures still have a non-written language that's thousands of years old and I found some common structures that our people seem to have aligned themselves with."
Carlisle and Bella were both leaning towards each other as he spoke, each of them fascinated with the topic. It seemed that Carlisle was going to have a very willing pupil for the foreseeable future.
"The Australian aborigines have a strong spiritual connection to the land, and as well as drawing maps of the territorial lands that they call country, they have Songlines." Carlisle was all but vibrating with eagerness. I hadn't seen him this happy in weeks.
"Songlines," Bella repeated, sounding thoughtful.
"For the aborigines, Songlines create a spiritual map of country that take them to where they most need to be. In their case that was to water sources, shelter, good hunting grounds, or even away from danger. There were some areas of land that had good shelter and hunting, but the people got sick, women miscarried babies too often to be coincidence, and so Songlines were created that lead people around and away from those lands. It wasn't until recent times that uranium was discovered there. It took modern technology to find it, but the Aborigines already knew something malignant and powerful lay beneath the surface. I was reading this purely by chance and thought-,"
"Singers," Bella said in a faraway voice. "Someone irresistible to a vampire that has something they need like nothing else they've ever known."
"Exactly," Carlisle beamed.
"Edward can hear everyone's thoughts except mine," Bella suggested, "perhaps that's the clue. I can give him what no-one else can, which is silence."
I was frozen where I sat, considering the implications. Bella gave me peace. If I hadn't managed to resist her scent, hadn't gotten to know her and fall in love then the peace I felt with her now would have been forever out of reach.
"Fascinating," Carlisle breathed. "You're a natural shield for him."
"What about Emmett?" Bella asked. "You told me once that he had found his but killed her before the moment even had a chance to register."
"We'll never know," Carlisle looked sad for a moment.
"I think I do," Emmett said from the doorway and we looked up in surprise. He pushed the door open and wandered out, hands in pockets and looking surprisingly peaceful about the discussion. There was something different about him. I studied him before realising that for the first time in decades he looked relaxed at talk of his moment of indiscretion. "When I found her, just before I-," he waved a hand, "you know. She was happy. Contented even. All she was doing was pegging out her washing. I remember she was humming under her breath while she worked; no particular tune, she was just enjoying the moment."
"Was it quick?" Bella asked in a gentle voice.
"I don't think that the fact she was going to die even had a chance to register," Emmett replied. "I was on her so fast, and the taste," Emmett broke off and swallowed hard. I found myself doing the same. "It was so satisfying, like nothing you could ever imagine. Afterwards I felt different, you know?" This last comment was directed at me and I nodded in understanding.
"How?" Bella prompted.
"Calmer, better. More grounded."
"I always thought that the only way he could get more grounded was if we buried him," Rosalie commented as she joined us outside, followed by the rest of the family. "Sometimes I wonder if you could have resisted your singer," Rosalie said in a quiet voice as Emmett reached out to pull her against his side where he was leaning against the wall.
"It doesn't matter," Emmett reassured her with a kiss, "all roads lead to Rose."
"Contentment. So Jasper can control emotions, but Emmett is like an emotional barometer for the soul," Bella suggested.
Carlisle's eyes widened at this. Of course. Emmett's contentment eased Rosalie's transition even more. This is-,
"Fascinating," I whispered.
Bella was looking intrigued as Carlisle hunched forward to going over more of his findings. Everyone's thoughts swirled around me except for the woman in my arms.
Perhaps we can teach Bella to strengthen her shield to include you, then you'll get even more peace and quiet, Alice suggested.
Bella looked at me with an odd expression.
"What?"
"I've just realised we've agreed to leave and now things are just getting interesting," she said.
"Nah, we'll give you kids a year or two for a honeymoon but then we'll come find you," Emmett scoffed. "It's too much fun having you around to be without you for long."
"Two years?"
"Maybe one," Emmett conceded. "Okay, nine months. Six, and that's my final offer. Damn, Bells, you drive a hard bargain."
"Six months of no bad jokes? I've died and gone to heaven!" Bella joked and then stopped to process what she had just said when Emmett boomed with laughter.
I looked at Bella who was laughing at Emmett now and exchanging quiet appreciative smiles with Rosalie and Alice. Jasper moved from Alice to Rosalie and then shifted to hover behind Carlisle where he sat, soaking up the emotional upswing like a sponge. Esme sat beside Carlisle all but purring with content at the sudden vibrant feel of family. Perhaps the whole reason I had become a vampire had been so I could live long enough to find Bella. Perhaps Jasper was right and that the universe had plans for even the likes of us. All I knew was that this was one the happiest days of my existence.
"I couldn't agree more."
A/N: Ever since this story started, I've been wondering where on earth the title came from and how I was going to explain it. The very day I'd been thinking about changing the title, I had some cultural awareness training and there it was, 'Songlines' dropped right in my lap in a beautiful moment of synchronicity.
So this is very nearly it folks. I've got a little epilogue to follow and we're done. I really hope you've liked this journey, and thanks so much for reading.