"Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed." - Mark Twain
"WE DID IT!" Lard Nar exclaimed happily, holding the glowing Captura above his head as his holographic disguiser wore off. "The Almighty Tallest, gone forever!" The rest of the crew cheered along with him at seeing the orb pulsing in the two colors of their enemies. They've been dreaming of this moment ever since they nearly took out the Massive after it went haywire. After all, if a sudden plan like THAT got such results, they were optimistic for one that was carefully thought out and discussed several times. And their efforts paid off! It worked. It ACTUALLY worked!
"Resisty ROCKS!" a random crew member shouted in utter, careless glee.
"Indeed we do," Lard Nar agreed with a grin. He walked over to an open metal pod, running a hand over it absentmindedly while he still marveled over the fact that he wasn't caught. "Now, to dispose of this thing once and for all! Are the coordinates of an uninhabitated planet set?"
"Yeah, all ready!" Shloonktapooxis (the floating triangle guy) shouted. "It's gonna be AWESOME! It'll be all floating through space and stuff, and then KA-BLAM!"
The Resisty leader ignored his friend's outburst and carefully placed the Captura into the escape pod redesigned for this moment with the coordinates preset by an unknown member. He closed the door with an evil grin, waved a taunting 'good-bye' to the device, and happily pressed the big button entitled 'Launch'. It shot off into space and everyone on the ship cheered what they thought was the complete downfall of the Irken Empire, all set in motion by Lard Nar's careful infiltration of the Massive with the Captura he made from scratch.
"Oops, wait a minute," Spleenk called out. He pushed through the crowd, scratching his head. The noises of the crowd died down. Lard Nar stared at the alien in disbelief and horror.
"No," Lard Nar said softly. "You didn't just say 'oops', did you?"
"I did. Sorry about that."
"DON'T tell me you ruined our very careful plan, the one that took years to plan and for which I'm still paying off debts?" the Resisty leader demanded, eye twitching.
Spleenk hesitated. "Well, kind of. I mean, it's not completely ruined, just a little broken. The coordinates I picked out were wrong. The planet has life forms on it!"
"WHO LET SPLEENK NEAR THE COORDINATE PLANNING STATION?" Lard Nar demanded. The members averted their eyes and shuffled their feet a bit in embarrassment.
"I did!" Shloonktapooxis exclaimed with a big smile, sticking his tongue out happily. "I let him! His coordinates led to a pretty blue and green planet that was suh-WEET looking!"
"That is not a qualification the planet needed to have!" Lard Nar shouted. He pinched the bridge of where his nose should be and took a few deep breaths. "Okay, okay, we can fix this. Everything can still be salvaged as long as it doesn't have an Irken Invader on it."
"But it does!" one crew member pointed out, pulling up a screen of Invader records hacked from the Massive. "Name: Zim. Status: Exile, false Invader. Description: Short, annoying, big ego, oblivious, almost accidentally destroyed his own race several times and annihilated two past Tallest. Approach with caution."
Lard Nar was about to yell about his cursed luck when he realized something. This...Zim person could be useful to his cause after the Captura was obtained again. He had killed two of his other leaders and instead of getting deactivated, he had only been exiled. The Resisty leader rubbed his chin in thought. Maybe this could work out even better than he hoped! He just had to make sure that he convinced Zim that his current leaders were evil and conniving before the little Irken noticed the glowing sphere. If Lard Nar didn't get there in time, Zim would have already discovered and coveted the device, making sure that no one potentially harmed his leaders.
A desperate plan, certainly, but it seemed to be the only option at the moment.
"Set coordinates for Earth!" Lard Nar commanded. "We need to get that device back and pay the 'Invader' a little visit."
The pilot nodded and turned the new Resisty ship around. Lard Nar sat in his new chair and shifted around uncomfortably. He hoped to get there before it was too late.
And he prayed...prayed to any type of being that might be in charge of the universe...that Zim wasn't as stupid as his records showed. If he was, they were doomed. Undeniably doomed.
"Victory for ZZZIIIIMMM!" a short Irken cackled. He held high in his hands a slightly bent metal frame containing two glass circles as another, large-headed human child was pushed away with one gloved hand. The child persisted and tried to tackle his enemy, but missed by a long shot.
"Give those BACK!" the kid demanded, squinting at the blurry world.
"NEVER!" Zim shouted. He looked through the lenses curiously, easily dodging another tackle. "I will soon discover the secret of your supposed 'glasses', Dib-stink, and find out how it gives you intelligence!"
Dib paused for a moment and glanced up incredulously. "What?"
"Do not deny it! Zim overheard Zita telling her hideous friends that she copies off of you because you wear these...things! That wearing glasses makes you smart automatically! ADMIT IT, worm-baby!"
"That's just stupid!" Dib commented with a facepalm. "It's a stereotype, space boy!"
"This has NOTHING to do with music!" Zim retorted, still examining the frames. "Do not veer away from the subject in an attempt to confuse me!"
A lightbulb seemed to go off in that big head at the statement. Dib pointed frantically over at something in the distance. "Look over there! It's a rabid squirrel-eating fire hydrant!"
"EH?" The 'Invader' spun around immediately to witness such an object. He had never seen one of those before on this planet! Perhaps...perhaps he could utilize this new development to take over the world! Rabid squirrel-eating fire hydrants on every street corner, devouring every Chihuahua in the world, bending the grieving pet owners to his will! Then that's only one step away from enslaving all of mankind and presenting the planet as a gift to his Tallest. Maybe he could even steal Tak's idea of filling it with snacks to suck up to them a little more and gain the appreciation he has always wanted! They would be so pleased with him! YES! It just might WORK!
"Gotcha!" Dib cheered, snatching the glasses and putting them on again before the alien could realize his mistake. He grinned as he shook his head at his enemy. "Really, Zim, you're getting too predictable."
"NONSENSE!" the Irken shouted, greatly irritated at having been tricked. "This was...eh...Zim's plan all along!"
Dib rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure it was, Zim. Even if that WERE true, which it isn't, I'll still be there to stop you at every turn!"
"Liessss!" Zim hissed before stalking away. He would get back at that worm-baby someday for that comment! But not now. He would leave the insanely wrong Dib to his comments for the moment. Zim wondered what on Irk could possibly be going on in the child's head to make him act so...superior! HAH! As if he could even HOPE to be more superior than an Irken! The Irken held his head higher as he reverted back to every Irken's marching step. Pitiful hyuumans. Who knew what went through the Dib's exceedingly large head? Who cares? He was Ziiim, mighty Irken Invader and far better and advanced than any creature on this disgusting planet! He noticed Dib staring at him and raised his head even higher. He should be cowering before Zim's greatness!
The Dib-human smirked knowingly, having guessed the alien's thoughts by the way his enemy tilted his head up a little so he would look down on everyone nearby, and walked away as well in the opposite direction towards his own house. That alien was so gullible and stupid that it was almost laughable. Really, thinking that fire hydrants like that exist? Dib laughed nervously to himself, giving the next fire hydrant he saw a wide berth. You never know what could be real in this day and age. Sometimes the child felt like he made his own life difficult, and that even if he had a normal caring family and a normal, happy school, he would still be like he was now. Suspicious. Desperate to be believed. Considered insane. Not right.
His momentary victory faded away in his mind as he shoved his hands in his jacket pockets and sighed. He was too young to be so...what was the word...angsty? Sad? Something along those lines. He should be out at the park participating in some kind of sport, laughing carelessly with friends, goofing off and acting his age. If he had any friends, that is. He only had his creepy little sister that threatened to banish him to a piggy netherworld. What kind of sister DOES that kind of thing? And what kind of dad only talks to his kids through a floating monitor? It was insanity! Was it in his genetics to be insane or something? Geez!
"What are you talking about?" a frightened little boy nearby questioned, looking up at him. Dib facepalmed. He had been talking to himself again. He REALLY needed to work on that, it was starting to get out of hand.
"Nothing, Todd," Dib sighed, recognizing that scared child. Todd nodded and continued on his way back home from Skool. Dib tried to act a little more carefree to cheer himself up and walked down the sidewalk, whistling. He eventually found himself at home and let himself in. Gaz sat on the couch, playing a video game Dib had gotten her for her birthday on the new console Professor Membrane gave her.
"Hi, Gaz!" he greeted. "How was your day today?"
"Mmph!" Gaz pouted, hunching over her game for increased concentration with eyes squinted nearly shut.
"Okay, well, I'm going up to my room if you need me!" he replied with a forced smile. Mustn't get angry at the demon child. "To spy on Zim and stuff, but you already knew that. So if you want me to go out and get us food again just tell-"
"Shut up!" Gaz snarled. "I'm on the last level, and if you and your huge head talk to me and make me lose, you'll suffer a fate unknown to even the most brutally maimed dead bodies we've seen on the news!"
"Even worse than the one with a scythe through his head and a smiley face carved on his back?" Dib gasped. Gaz snickered.
"That guy's fate would be considered lucky compared what I would have in store for you," Gaz announced. "Now go away, shut your mouth, and leave me alone!" Her brother stood there for a moment in fear before running up the stairs without another word. He closed his door and leaned against it, heart hammering. His sister really scared him sometimes.
The glowing screen of his computer called out to him mentally, promising comfort, promising people who would believe what he has to say. Dib cracked his fingers and sat down at the keyboard. He typed in the name of a familiar website, sat back in his chair, and waited for the trademark home screen to pop up. A giant eyeball appeared on the screen. Dib moved his pointer over the pupil and clicked on it. The eyeball swelled a little as it faded away, a message appearing onscreen that said 'My eyes are swollen'. He adjusted his webcam, typed in his username and password, then waited for a response. A silhouette popped up on the screen.
"Agent Mothman," it said with a nod.
Dib nodded back. "Agent Darkbooty."
"What is it that you wish to inform me about? New evidence of alien activity that doesn't involve a dog eating waffles?" Agent Darkbooty asked seriously. Dib rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.
"Not yet," he admitted. "I mean, the alien stole my glasses to see if it made me smart, but I got them back. His world domination schemes seems farther apart and easier to stop than before. He might be running out of ideas or saving them to create one huge plan. I was wondering if, since my own self-appointed mission is lulling, if there were any other activities appearing around my city that I could investigate."
"I see," Agent Darkbooty answered. The silhouette seemed to ruminate for a bit before speaking again. "There is one minor investigation that needs to be done."
"What is it?"
"There is a very small object, basketball-size, that is entering Earth's atmosphere in the park two blocks away from your home. I was originally going to send out Agent Wolfbite. However, seeing as you're more willing to take on the task, I'll reassign it to you. When it hits the Earth, investigate it until you figure out its use, then report back to me. Darkbooty out." The screen blacked out, but Dib didn't notice. He was already checking his equipment eagerly. It's been a while since he investigated something else for a change that didn't include Zim, and now he could put to use a few skills that he hasn't used in a while. But his task with Zim wasn't done. He was absolutely sure that he could multitask between Zim and this object's examination.
Meanwhile, at his base, Zim was checking his own equipment when his computer had informed him that something was entering Earth's atmosphere.
"WHAT?" Zim exclaimed. "Is it of Irken technology?"
"Object unknown."
"Is it a death machine?"
"Unknown."
"Does it make snacks?"
"I repeat: UNKNOWN."
"Whatever it is, it needs to be contained before the Dib-worm notices it!" Zim decided. "If it turns out to be an Enslaver, he would destroy it! He ruins everything, that filthy hyuuman! That enormous head should explode! Yes! I will do just that! My most brilliant plan ever!"
"Um...Zim? The thing about to hit the Earth? Remember?" Computer reminded. Zim paused before remembering.
"Heh heh, oh yeah. That's right," he said. He turned to the doorway to the kitchen. "GIR!"
A dough-covered robot poked his head around the door and smiled. "Yes?"
"Stop whatever you're doing and follow Zim to..."
The computer sighed. "The park."
"Do not interrupt Zim!" the Irken shouted to his base. He turned back to Gir. "As I was saying, follow Zim to the human's park of filthiness, tree-things, and frolicking dirt-children!"
"Weeheeheehee!" Gir giggled. He put on his doggy disguise and ran out the door. His master put his wig back on carefully and popped in the contacts. He looked out at the sky. Dark clouds were rolling in and the smell of dihydroxide acid was in the air.
"Let us retrieve the thing quickly!" Zim announced, walking out of his base with a marching step. "If it rains, Zim will start to burn, and it could blow our ingenious cover!"
"We love rain, we love rain! Splash splash splash, fun fun fun! Rain, rain, rain! We love rain, we love rain! Splash splash splash, fun fun fun! Rain, rain, rain!" Gir sang as he skipped ahead of his master. The SIR unit tried to fly in the air, but Zim quickly clipped a leash on to him and yanked him down.
"No, Gir, no flying," Zim scolded. "That's not normal!"
"But you saw other peoples doin' it at that fancy learnin' place when it started to rain!" Gir protested. Zim nodded.
"True, but those pig-smellies always do disturbing, not-normal things. They break the laws of physics themsleves with their stupidity, and may have even inhaled too much paste beforehand, resulting in even MORE...eh...stuff!" Gir ignored him and tried to float again. The Irken noticed and pulled him harshly down again with a snarl. "No defying gravity in public and bringing back repressed memories!"
"Awww..."