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Well, it seems like so long ago
But it really ain't, you know
I started out a crazy kid
Miracle I made it through the things I did
The things I did
1998
I know how people saw me. Stodgy British watcher, conservative workaholic. And truth be told, in 1998 that was not an assumption, merely a fact. I had become an expert at hiding my adolescence, those troubled years that I was so ashamed of now. Thinking back on those times, that I evolved past my indescretions is quite stunning. Inevitably, the pieces of my youth leaked out, though. The episode with the band candy certainly put an awkward strain on my and Joyce's interaction.
The real issue as I saw it, that year, however, had been a tearing of allegiances. I was a Watcher. It pulled me out of my darkest times, however unable I may have been to see it at the time. It gave me purpose in my life, propelled me among an elite folk in London. I was awarded a slayer, for God's sake. I was a respected Watcher, and the Council had been good to me. Pre-Sunnydale, my occupation was all that existed. I could never imagine his life holding anything else. Family? I didn't need them. Friends? They would never understand. Romantic entanglements? It would only serve to distract me from my duty.
So when the Council told me what I was to do, I knew it was not up for debate. I was a Watcher. Buffy was a resourceful, smart, capable girl. I was simply the mean of a much larger entity. And after all, it was a controlled environment. Surely they would not send her into a situation they knew they could she could not handle.
Yes, those were the empty words I told myself to make it through this experience. It will not affect mine and Buffy's relationship. The firm bond we have built will, must endure. The trouble was, empty words were all they were. I was commiting betrayal, and skirting around the fact would not banish it. I was, in essence, stripping this child of everything that protected her and sending her into the most dangerous of situations. And I was doing it of my own volition. She trusted me to prepare her, trusted me to keep her safe, and I felt like the lowest form of humanity for doing this to her. Her quiet, terrified words still ring in my head.
"You stuck a needle in me. You poisoned me!"
"All this time, you saw what it was doing to me."
"Touch me, and I'll kill you."
And I had been so sure, so sure, that if I could just get her through this, the council would leave and all could return to normal. Then that animal Klarik escaped, and the danger surrounding my girl became darker than ever before.
It had surprised me to know just how clear my loyalties were. I recall shoving Travers against the door.
"This is not business!"
In that moment, the council had lost its magic for me. If they were willing to send a young girl into a death trap, my young girl, what the hell did I owe them? They were to leave and never come back, but the damage had already been done.
I wondered for years after if Buffy and I had the same level of trust that we did before Klarik. I chose to take graduation day as an indication that she had forgiven me, but even if she was not appalled at my actions, I was appalled at my own.