[A/N: Here it is... Chapter 27! Now, this was originally combined with Soon-to-be Chapter 28 as one chapter... but that was really long, so we decided to split it up. Chapter 28, however, just needs to be read over one last time, so it should be up soon. I'd like to thank paulmcco for beta-ing this chapter for us. Also, thanks to everybody who added Kin and Kisses to their alerts or favourites list. And of course, more thanks than we can say to crazypotterchick, XDAshleighJadeXD, photographwall, jc, too many stars to count, SWAddict1986, ravenclawLupin11, and Fun-Sized Kirk for reviewing Chapter 26.
Disclaimer: Jo owns Harry Potter in his world. I am not making any money off of this nor do I claim to own the material you recognize from outside the KKverse.]
Chapter 27 :: Something New
"When your mind is a mess, so is mine, I can't sleep.
Because it hurts when I think when my thoughts aren't at peace
With the plans that we make and the chances we take.
They're not yours, they're not mine.
There's waves that can break
Jack Johnson; No Other Way
James sighed as he walked up the stairs from the Gryffindor Common Room to the boys' dormitory. It had been a long day. After Defense Against the Dark Arts all four boys had had a free period before. James and Peter had left the classroom quickly, excitedly discussing what food they would get from the kitchens before Charms class.
James had thought nothing of Remus' and Sirius' absence from their escapade. An unfortunate consequence of having two of the Marauders romantically involved was less time doing things with the entire group. But, as long as his friends were happy and he wasn't completely deprived of Marauding time, James didn't mind too much. At least, not enough to say anything. Besides, he'd been spending more and more time with Lily over the past couple weeks, just doing homework and talking and really being friends. He knew he had no right to complain without being hypocritical.
Still, when he'd walked into the Charms classroom to find Remus sitting alone and staring blankly at the wall, James had started to worry. His concern grew when, not only did Remus refuse to say anything to him about why he was sitting alone, but Sirius failed to show up for Charms. Academically lazy as Sirius might be, he rarely skipped class alone. Classes were, as Sirius always said, the perfect place for testing out new jinxes and pretending they'd been an assignment mishap.
After class, James had tried to catch Remus and force an explanation out of him, but the sandy-haired boy had mumbled an excuse about Prefect duty and escaped. James hadn't had time to go find Sirius; Gryffindor's match against Hufflepuff was approaching and so the team was practicing every day. The fact that it was mid October and pouring down rain didn't seem to merit cause for cancelling practice until Kristi almost fell off her broom trying to catch a wet Quaffle and the new Seeker, Stephanie Donovan, had convinced James that the snitch had, in fact, been lost.
James had just barely made it to dinner on time to find Remus reading at the end of the table, Peter whispering to Helen, and Lily laughing with Maia, Kate, Allie, Caleb, and a dark haired Hufflepuff girl he didn't know the name of. Sirius was, again, absent. Neither the girls nor Peter knew where he was and Remus had pretended he hadn't heard when James asked.
So, here James stood, still soaking wet and not quite satisfied from his rushed dinner, in front of the door to his dormitory. He had decided on his way up from the Great Hall that, if Sirius wasn't in Gryffindor tower, that he'd check the Marauder's Map to figure out where his friend was. Something was wrong, James could tell, and he wasn't going to let it go without an answer, even if it meant spending all night searching all of Hogwarts' secret passageways for his best friend.
But, as it turned out, James didn't have to go to desperate measures to find his friend. When he pushed open the door, he found Sirius sitting on his bed, staring at the wall.
"Hey, Padfoot," James said, pulling off his wet sweater and throwing it on the floor by his bed.
"What?" Sirius flicked his eyes to James, seemingly unable to process the image in front of him. He blinked a couple of times before turning them back to the wall. "Oh, hey, Prongs."
"Where have you been all afternoon?" James asked. He definitely knew something was wrong now. Sirius eyes were stormy and dim as though the boyish light that always shone from them had disappeared. James was reminded of the first few weeks of July, but this seemed almost worse.
"Here," Sirius answered dully, "sitting here, staring at this wall."
"Has the wall done anything remarkable?" James asked.
"Not really," Sirius sighed.
"Yet you continue to stare at it," James pointed out. He walked over and sat down beside his best friend.
"There's nothing particularly special about this wall, Padfoot," James said after a few moments. "It looks the same as it did yesterday, and the day before, and for the past six years. Are you afraid the wall might suddenly change and so you want to commit it to memory? Because, although it is quite a good and sturdy wall, there are other walls. And yet, I still highly doubt that this wall will ever be anything other than the wall it is."
"What are you going on about, Prongs?" Sirius asked, finally turning to look at his friend.
"I'm just talking about the wall," James answered. "Unless, you thought I was talking about something else."
"Half the time I have no idea what the bloody fuck you're talking about," Sirius grumbled.
"And the other half?"
"You're talking about Lily," Sirius replied with a hollow laugh.
"Lily would make quite the wall," James said.
"You've officially lost me, mate," Sirius said. "You have completely lost it. I have no idea what you're talking about."
"What's wrong, Sirius," James said, standing up suddenly and turning to face his friend.
"Other than the fact that you clearly belong in St. Mungo's?" Sirius questioned.
"I'm not daft, Padfoot," James continued. "You've been all messed up since the incident with the Hufflepuffs. And now you're skipping class without me and staring at walls and Remus is avoiding me and there is something going on. I don't want to jump to conclusions and I don't want to force it out of you, but I will because I know what happens when you brood for too long on something, and it's not good."
"I fucked up, Prongs," Sirius said slowly, dropping his head into his hands. "I don't know what I did, but I did something and I fucked up and I fucked it up and I don't know how to fix it."
"What happened?" James asked.
"Remus broke up with me," Sirius explained. "Or, at least, I think he did. He didn't say it in so many words, but he did say that he didn't love me or want me. " He lifted his head and James saw that his eyes were over bright and his mouth was set in a firm grimace.
"And I know it's not true, Prongs," he continued, "It's his stupid inferiority complex talking. But I pushed too far; I did something. And now I've lost him."
James ran his hand through his hair, not sure what to say. As much as he was okay with Sirius and Remus being an item, it wasn't something that he had ever particularly wanted to think about. In fact, he usually pushed all thoughts about what the two of them did when they were together out of his mind. But, here he was, seeing his best friend more broken than he'd ever seen him before. So broken that he wasn't yelling or throwing things, but rather seemed close to tears.
"Do... do you want me to talk to him?" James asked after a minute of silence.
"And say what?" Sirius demanded. "Tell him that it's okay to be a gay werewolf? Tell him that it doesn't matter what other people say? Because I tried to tell him that and it didn't matter. He doesn't want anything to do with it."
"I could try," James offered.
"No," Sirius said sternly, "This is our problem. You have more than enough on your plate with being Head Boy and Quidditch captain and your life-long vocation of wooing Evans. No, I'll deal with it. And if Remus doesn't come around, that's my own problem."
"I just don't want this to break us," James said softly. "I don't want this to break you."
"Blacks don't break easily, Prongs," Sirius said, the ghost of a smile on his lips. But it was gone after only a moment. "Besides, Remus made it very clear that we were, and would always be, friends. Marauders first, I guess."
"If you're sure..." James said hesitantly.
"I'm serious, James," Sirius insisted, "in more ways than one."
"Honestly, Padfoot," James sighed, "That pun was old before you first said it."
"That pun is never old," a voice said from the doorway. "It's like good wine; it only gets better with the years."
"Remus," Sirius said blankly, turning his head to the sandy-haired boy in the doorway.
"Um, yes..." Remus replied. "Don't mind me... I was just getting a few books... I'll leave if you want..."
"Don't bother," Sirius snapped, standing up and striding across the room. "I have things to do. Bye, Prongs."
James watched his best friend storm out of the room and down the stairs. He wasn't sure where he was going, but only hoped it wasn't to do something rash and stupid.
"I'm not quite sure what to say to you," James said slowly, turning to Remus.
"I didn't mean to hurt him," Remus whispered, staring at the door Sirius' just slammed. "I didn't want to hurt him."
"Well, you did," James said. He turned to follow Sirius out the door in hopes to find his friend before he got too far.
"I know," Remus answered. "But I didn't think it would affect him this much. I'm just me."
"Well, 'just you' is a lot more than you seem to realize, Moony," James sighed. "And the day you realize that, we'll all be very happy."
"I don't want this to break us," Remus echoed James's words from earlier.
"Marauders don't break easily," James replied, smiling at his friend. "We've been through worse. We will go through worse, I'm sure. We may crack, but we won't shatter."
"I hope so," Remus sighed. "And I understand if you hate me, if you all hate me. I know you'd choose Sirius over me, James."
"I'm not going to have to choose anybody, Moony," James said firmly. "I'm not going to pretend I'm happy with you, but nobody is choosing sides. We're all on the same side; we can't afford not to be."
"Thanks, Prongs," Remus said, forcing a smile.
"Now, if you don't mind," James said, turning again to leave, "I am going to go find my brother and make sure he doesn't fling himself off the astronomy tower."
Remus sighed as he watched James grab the Map and hurry out of the dormitory. Things were falling apart, and Remus knew it was all his fault. He felt as though a piece of him were missing and no matter how hard he tried to ignore, he couldn't.
Sinking down on his bed, Remus stared at the wall, wishing that things were back to how they'd been fifth year, when he'd been with Allie and Sirius was nothing more than his friend and brother.
'You can't change who you are.'
Sirius' words ran through his head over and over as Remus continued to stare at the wall. Maybe he couldn't change who he was, but that didn't mean he couldn't pretend. Just like he could pretend that his entire world wasn't crumbling beneath him.
"So," Maia said as she led Emmeline into the Muggle Studies' classroom, "This film was the first one that Lily and Allie showed me back in second year. It's a bit cheesy but I love it anyway and I can sing along to all of the songs."
"Songs?" Emmeline questioned.
"It's a musical," Maia explained. "That means that the characters all randomly break into song and dance."
"Muggles are so strange," Emmeline commented, shaking her head.
"Yes, they really are," Maia agreed.
She looked around the classroom. As she'd hoped there was a television set and a video cassette recorder, specially designed to work in Hogwarts.
"You any good at transfiguration?" Maia asked the brown haired girl.
"I s'pose," Emmeline shrugged. "I mean, I got an O on my Transfiguration OWL last year."
"Damn," Maia said. "I just barely scraped by with the E I needed for NEWTs. Do you think you could transfigure a desk into a couch?"
"No problem," Emmeline smirked, twirling her wand lazily in her left hand. With a slight jabbing motion, one of the desks in the front row of the classroom stretched and expanded into a bright yellow squishy couch.
"Yellow?" Maia asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Hufflepuff," Emmeline answered with a half shrug.
Maia rolled her eyes and pulled out her own wand. With a similar jabbing motion, the couch transformed into a red and yellow tie dyed pattern.
"Compromise?" Emmeline asked.
"You are a Hufflepuff," Maia retorted.
"Fair enough," Emmeline laughed, walking over to the couch and plopping herself down. "Now, I trust that you brought the film, as I would have no way of knowing anything about that type of thing. But, as you did that – or as I hope you did that – I took it upon myself to bring us some licorice wands and chocolate frogs."
"Awesome," Maia nodded, "but we're missing one thing: popcorn."
"Popcorn?"
"It's the traditional muggle snack of choice while watching a movie," Maia informed her.
"Oh," Emmeline frowned. "I didn't know that. I guess we'll have to do without."
"Yeah, well, I did know that," Maia assured her and pulled a small paper bag of popcorn out of her book bag. Setting that down in front of Emmeline, Maia reached back into her bag and pulled out a video cassette.
"This is what we'll be watching," Maia said, showing Emmeline the movie cover. "It's about witches and wizards and charms from a muggle perspective."
"The Wizard of Oz," Emmeline read. "What's Oz?"
"Well, you'll just have to wait and see," Maia teased.
She walked over to the VCR and popped the cassette into it. After turning on the TV she walked back to the couch and sat down next to Emmeline. The movie began to play and both girls leaned back and tucked their legs underneath themselves.
"Open your mouth," Emmeline said over the opening credits.
Maia did as she was told and Emmeline tossed a piece of popcorn at her, hitting her square in the nose.
"You have horrible aim," Maia smirked.
"No, I did that on purpose," Emmeline answered.
Maia responded by throwing a piece of popcorn back.
"Settle down now," Emmeline said, levitating the popcorn back to Maia. "We are watching a movie."
Maia stuck out her tongue but turned the screen and reached for a licorice wand.
As Dorothy began to sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Emmeline spoke up again.
"Aren't these supposed to be in colour?"
"Not necessarily," Maia answered, "But this one will be. Don't worry."
"Muggles are so strange," Emmeline repeated, stuffing a handful of popcorn into her mouth as she fixed her eyes on the screen.
"Just wait until the Wicked Witch of the West Appears," Maia chuckled, sparing one last glance at Emmeline before falling quiet again and turning her attention back to the movie.
For the next few days, James took to carrying the Marauder's Map with him. Whenever Sirius would disappear, he would check it to make sure his best friend wasn't doing anything dangerous or stupid.
Most of the time, James would find Sirius in the Owlery, petting Nuntia, the Potter family owl. Nuntia was still there, waiting for James and Sirius to reply to the letters Harold and Grace had been sending all term. After following him the first time, James knew that Sirius just wanted to be alone with a creature that he knew wouldn't hurt him.
A few days later, after convincing himself that Sirius was safe with Nuntia, James made his way back to the Gryffindor Common Room to find Peter and Heather sitting together on the couch.
"Hey, Prongs," Peter grinned as James walked up to them. "How's it going?"
James shrugged and Heather tilted her head, concerned.
"How's Sirius? We just saw him storm out about half an hour ago. Is he okay?"
James sighed and sat down on the couch next to them. "He'll live. Probably. He's in the Owlery again. You know, I've always said, I think that guy needs a pet. Something that can't talk can't kick you out of your house or break your heart."
Peter and Heather exchanged a look.
"Mate," Peter commented. "I know you feel Sirius' pain as if it's your own, but right now, you can't do that to yourself. They'll work it out sooner or later and we just have to not let it affect us too much."
James nodded silently and looked around the common room. Lily Evans sat in a large red arm chair with a book on the other side of the room. The book didn't look particularly riveting, however, as she kept looking up from it to survey her surroundings. Peter followed James' gaze and smiled.
"Say, Prongs," He said. "When was the last time you asked out Lily?"
"Not since the summer after fifth year…" James turned to Peter. "Why?"
"Don't you still love her?" Peter asked, confusion written all over his face. Heather rolled her eyes at her boyfriend's cluelessness.
"You're one of James' best friends and you are seriously doubting that he will always be in love with Lily?" Heather asked, amused. "Somebody, I want an award for the silliest boyfriend on the planet."
"Oh, shush," Peter said, kissing her lightly on the lips. He turned back to James. "It's just, you were so adamant about getting over her, and you haven't asked her out in ages… Now you two are friends. I just figured that if you still liked her, you would be using this opportune moment to win her over."
"Of course I still adore her," James chuckled, glancing back at the girl who was currently pushing a strand of auburn hair out of her face. Despite how close friends the two had recently become, he had never forgotten his true feelings under the guise of a professional, friendly relationship. Even if he never had a chance with her, James would always have a special place for Lily Evans in his heart. "But I figure she knows that and will take me up on it if she wants to."
"I don't think so…" Heather countered, while Peter continued to look clueless. "You've dated other girls, and with you it can be kind of hard to tell if you're flirting or just being nice. Now that you're friends, she might think that you only think of her that way; as friends."
"You think so?" James raised his eyebrows to look at the blonde girl beside him. She nodded, a knowing look on her face. James continued, "Do you think she prefers it that way?"
This time, both Peter and Heather responded together.
"No." James looked at the two of them in surprise. Heather continued.
"She looks at you, sometimes, when you aren't paying attention. You can tell she likes you. Maybe she doesn't know it, exactly, but she definitely feels it."
"I think," Peter continued. "That she's always sort of liked you too, but what with being best friends with Snivilus for so long, she suppressed it, rather intensely."
James considered what they were telling him. The suggestion that his feelings may not be one-sided after all made his stomach wiggle with excitement. His gaze drifted back to Lily, who pulled her legs up under her, on the chair.
"What should I do, then?" James asked his friends. Heather and Peter shared a glance and Heather nodded.
"I think it's time to do it the good old fashioned James Potter way," The blonde boy stated, his voice encouraging. "And by that, I mean, you should ask her out."
"Really?" James asked, his eyes wide. "What if she says no?"
"Well," Peter continued, Heather curled against his side. "You only have one more year to wait. Unless you want to ask her out right before graduation, I suggest you try now. You don't want to waste whatever time we have left."
James nodded and stood up. He grinned broadly at Peter and shook his hand.
Heather smiled up at him and he thanked her with a deep bow.
"You're ridiculous," Heather giggled. "Good luck."
"Don't mess this up, Prongs," Peter teased. "I don't want to hear your laments for the rest of the year."
"Oh, sod off, Wormtail," James laughed. "And thanks, Heather, for your support. You're a true friend."
James looked back over at Lily. Her gaze had drifted, once again, from her book. As she looked around she caught James' looking at her and smiled broadly at him.
Grinning, to himself as much as to Lily, he walked over to her chair, making an effort to not saunter or strut.
"Hey, Lily," he said taking a seat on the arm of her chair. "What are you reading?"
"Oh, nothing much," Lily sighed. "Just a muggle fantasy book."
"Oh?" James asked, tilting the cover so he could see the title. "Which one?"
"It's called The Silmarillion," Lily explained. "It's by a muggle named Tolkien. I read his others, but this is brand new. It's not bad, I'm just having trouble focusing."
"Why, something on your mind?" James asked.
Lily fought back a blush and shook her head.
"You know," James commented, changing the subject, "I've read something by that Tolkien guy."
"You have?" Lily asked, widening her eyes in shock. "I didn't think you'd have even heard of him."
"Well, I may have noticed a thing or two that you've done or said or read over the past years," James explained. "I noticed you had read at least three different books by him, so I figured they must be worth something."
"Somehow I don't actually find that creepy," Lily laughed, looking up him. "You know, it's not good for the chair for you to sit on the arm like that."
"Magical reinforcements," James said casually, waving his hand dismissively. "But if you're concerned, you could always move over and make room for me next to you."
"I hardly think this chair is big enough for both of us, James," Lily said, unable to fight back the blush now.
"Oh, well, it was worth a shot," James lamented. He looked over at Peter and Heather. Both of them were trying – and failing – to be discrete in their eavesdropping. James rolled his eyes. To think that Peter was a Marauder. He chuckled to himself and shook his head.
"What's so funny?" Lily asked, confused.
"Oh, just Peter and Heather are very interested in our conversation," James responded lightly.
"Why's that?" Lily asked, furrowing her eyebrows in deepened confusion.
"Well," James said, running a hand through his hair nervously, "I actually was going to ask you something."
"Well, ask," Lily pressed.
"Promise first that you won't hex me," James demanded.
"What?"
"Just… promise… please?"
Lily looked at him, more confused than before. However, a strange swell of hopefulness grew in her stomach.
"Okay," she promised, biting her lower lip in anticipation, "I promise no hexes. Jinxes, maybe."
"Okay," James muttered. "I can handle that. Well, here's the thing. There's a Hogsmeade trip in a couple weekends… which you know, since you're Head Girl, but I wasn't going to ask you about that because it's just Hogsmeade and it's ages away but do you think that maybe we could hang out sometime before that?"
"James," Lily said, her heart suddenly beating much harder in her chest. Was he doing what she thought he was doing? "We hang out all the time."
"Well, yeah," James swallowed, "But I meant… Lily Evans, would you be willing to put aside any negative feelings you may have for me and give me one chance. Would you please… Lily, will you go out-"
"Yes," Lily answered, cutting him off.
"What?" James blinked at her in surprise.
"You were asking me out, right?" Lily smiled.
"Well, I…"
"Oh! God…" Lily sputtered, "You weren't… Oh… I'm sorry!"
"No!" James exclaimed. "I mean, yes. I mean… Lily, will you go out with me?"
"Yes," Lily said, smiling more broadly than before. "Yes, I will."
[A/N: So... thoughts?]