Part 2/11: I'm (not) okay (Michael)

I never should have gone to her house, I thought as I walked back to my apartment. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I kicked a stray pebble angrily and listened to it falling into a nearby sewer. It started to rain. The night I'll always remember-it was raining then. I sighed.

Somewhere in my life I had made a huge mistake. I knew exactly when, but I never wanted to admit it to myself. I think about it all the time. Why didn't I say something? When we were about to leave, I almost told Max I couldn't go. Almost. I can't figure out why I didn't. I was dying inside, but I just stood there with all of them and pretended everything was fine. The clock was ticking down. At the last second, I pulled my hand away.

Why didn't I tell Maria? That's the big question that haunts me to this day. I'm still not really sure of the answer.

"WHY?" I screamed out loud. "Somebody please tell me why!" Silence. I kicked another pebble, not caring where it landed. The sky was completely dark, all the stars had disappeared, and the streets were completely deserted. I had never felt so alone.

When I finally got back to my apartment, I went straight to the couch. I was so tired, I didn't even have anymore time to think about what a mess my life was in. In a couple seconds, I was asleep.

I was back at Maria's house. "I...I want you out of this house NOW!" she yelled.

I was hurt, but I couldn't let her know it. "Um, okay. If that's what you really want," I said uncertainly. No, no, I chastised myself. Ugh, I sound like an idiot! I started heading toward the door. Too slowly. You have to act like you're in control!

I looked back at Maria. She seemed to be fighting some sort of battle in her head. "No, that's not what I really want!" she screamed.

"Um. What do you really want?" I asked tentatively.

Maria shook her head and blinked back tears. "I don't know." She wouldn't look at me.

I walked up to her quietly and touched her shoulder. She turned around and I kissed her. That's when I noticed something was wrong. We weren't in Maria's house, we were at the Crashdown. Maria's hair was short. My own hair was spiked up. I was dreaming...dreaming of our first kiss.

I woke up. The Crashdown doesn't even exist anymore, I reminded myself. I sat up and noticed it was still 12:02AM. I walked to the refrigerator to see if there was something to eat.

There were three knocks at the door. Who would be knocking at midnight? I walked over to the door and opened it. Maria? Was there something wrong with my vision?

"Michael, I need to talk to you," she said quietly.

"Whaa?" I found myself saying.

"Michael, I'm really here. Can I please come in?"

I moved aside, feeling kind of dazed. She sat down on the couch and I joined her. "How did you find me?" I asked.

"I followed you," she answered looking down at the couch as if it was the most fascinating thing she'd ever seen.

"Oh." That meant she had seen me. Heard me yelling nonsensical things. Well, if she wasn't going to mention it, I definitely wasn't going to.

"I want to apologize. For kicking you out of my house. I really didn't know what I was saying."

"It was nothing," I lied.

"Good. So, um, if you don't mind my asking, why were you yelling 'WHY?' in the middle of the street?"

Because I'm losing my mind. I cleared my throat and totally changed the subject. "Why didn't you ever get married?" I asked brightly. Um, Why did I just say that?

Maria blinked. "I'm thirsty," she said weakly. "Do you have a Snapple?"

"Yeah sure." Glad to have an excuse to get up, I went and got her a Snapple. I got one for myself too. We drank them in silence.

"I should probably go," Maria said, looking like she didn't want to leave. She stood up.

I stood up too. "You shouldn't go walking around alone at midnight," I told her.

She managed a little smile. "I know." And with that, she walked out.

"Wait!" I ran after her and grabbed her arm.

"What?" she turned around, a hopeful look in her eyes.

"Maria, do you, uh, remember our first kiss?" It was the stupidest-sounding thing that had ever come out of my mouth.

Maria looked confused for a few seconds. She looked like she was about to cry. "No."

I felt like I was back in the pod chamber, getting ready to leave for Antar. I was dying all over again, and I didn't know what to do.

"Michael, I'd really like to go home," Maria whispered, blinking back tears. She was staring at my hand, which still had not loosened up on her arm.

I let go. "Okay."