[A/N: up within a few days, as promised! We'll try to get Chapter 34 to you as soon as possible. This is the second part of the last chapter - these events take place at the same time as the scene with Maia, Emmeline, Sirius, and Remus. Happy post-holidays!
We own nothing, as always]
Chapter 33: Tears and Talks, Part II
I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong, I am right
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust
I know this is love
Chasing Pavements, Adele
"What are your friends doing tonight?" Lily asked as she and James made their way away from the Gryffindor common room and towards the dungeons where Professor Slughorn's party was taking place.
"Who, Sirius and Remus?" James asked. "I'm not entirely sure what they have planned. Sirius was quite excited about it, though, which scares me a bit. Whatever it is, I'm sure the two of them will enjoy it."
"Would you rather be with them?" Lily asked. "I am kind of dragging you away from your friends."
"Trust me," James said, chuckling to himself, "Whatever Padfoot and Moony are up to tonight, I don't want to be a part of it."
"No," Lily said, laughing as she swatted James on the arm. "I meant with all of them. Peter, too. You wouldn't rather be spending time with them?"
"Lily," James said in a low voice. He stopped walking and turned her to face him. "There is absolutely nobody I would rather spend time with than you."
"Even if it means spending an evening in the dungeons with members of the Slug Club?"
"I've attended more painful events, I'm sure, at my own house," James replied. "And, I have you as a buffer. Slughorn will be so busy showing off his star potions pupil that he won't even think about harassing me about that essay I never turned in."
"What essay?" Lily asked, frowning.
"Oh, you know," James said conspiratorially, "that one essay that we never actually had..."
"Oh, you turned that in," Lily replied, smirking and continuing down the corridor. "You just haven't gotten the marks back, yet. It's still being graded."
"Is it?" James asked, hurrying to catch up with her. "How do you think I did on it? I'm thinking an O."
"We'll see," Lily answered. "Come on, the party started over half an hour ago and people usually arrive at these on time."
"Rubbish party, then," James said, but he took Lily's hand in his again and they continued down the corridor.
Several minutes later, Lily and James arrived at Slughorn's office. Voices and the sound of conversation could be heard coming from the overcrowded room.
"I suppose we should probably go in, then," Lily said with a sigh.
"What, don't you want to?" James asked curiously.
"Well, it's like you said," Lily admitted. "Slughorn will want to introduce me to previous students of his and people he thinks I can make connections with, but I don't really want that. I'd much rather spend time with just you."
"Then I guess I'll have to act as a buffer for you, too," James answered, leaning down to kiss her forehead. "It will be fine. We can get some food, maybe dance a bit, and leave. Then we can spend as much time alone together as you want."
Lily just rolled her eyes and smiled back. Taking a deep, she pushed open the door and entered the office.
Once again, the Head of Slytherin had managed to outdo his previous parties. Live fairies fluttered around ceiling, glowing bright white. In each corner of the magically enlarged room stood a small Christmas tree adorned with candles. Along one wall, a band that Lily didn't recognize was set up and playing their own renditions of holiday songs. An elaborate table laden with peppermint pasties, crystallized pineapple, steaming meat pies, and eggnog was on the opposite wall. Students and Hogwarts alumni alike were milling about, eating, drinking, and conversing.
"This is ridiculous," James said, glancing around at the various ice sculptures.
"This," Lily responded with a smile, "is a Slug Club party."
"Are they all like this?" James asked. "This is easily as fancy as some of the parties my mum has thrown, and those are for the upper circles of pureblood society."
"This is more extravagant than some," Lily answered. "But Professor Slughorn really wants to impress his former students."
"Speaking of Sluggy," James said in a low voice as he pointed at the robust professor making his way through the crowd towards the couple.
"Lily!" Slughorn exclaimed. "Lily, I'm so glad you could make it. Really, I've just been telling my dear friend Alfred Ashdown about you. He's an excellent, excellent man, excellent potions master. He owns a chain of breweries in top notch potions. He is very much looking forward to meeting you, Lily dear."
"Great, thanks, Professor," Lily said, biting back a laugh at James' astounded expression.
"Make sure you go find him later," Slughorn advised. And then, as if seeing James for the first time, he continued, "Oh ho, Lily! You and Potter, then?"
"Yes," Lily replied. "James and I are together."
"Lucky boy, James," Slughorn exclaimed, clapping James on the shoulder. "Lily's quite the bright witch."
"I'm very lucky, Professor," James agreed.
"Well, I must go find some of my other guests," Slughorn said jovially. "Remember, Lily, see if you can find Alfred Ashdown. Tall, rather round man. Good to see you, Potter."
"Well, that wasn't too bad," James said with a smirk as Professor Slughorn ambled away from them into the crowd.
"No, it wasn't," Lily agreed. "But I guess this means that I'll have to go find Alfred."
"No you don't," James replied lightly. "Sluggy probably will never know if you actually did. You don't have an obligation to. Unless you want to."
"Maybe I will later," Lily said. "It could be beneficial networking, I suppose. But I don't feel much like selling myself. I can always talk to him if we happen to cross paths."
"Brilliant," James answered. "Do you want me to go get some eggnog or pasties?"
"Are you going to spike the eggnog?" Lily asked, eyeing her boyfriend sceptically.
"Would I do such a thing?" James responded in mock offense. "This is a school sanctioned event and we are Heads."
"And that has stopped you before?" Lily shot back.
"Well, I don't have any alcohol on me," James pointed out. "And unless you have a flask hidden in those dress robes..."
"Go get the eggnog, James," Lily laughed. "I'll wait here."
"I'll be right back," James said, before turning and making his way through the crowd towards the food table.
"Lily!"
A slightly familiar voice tore Lily's eyes away from James' retreating figure. Lily turned around to see Dirk Cresswell, a sixth year Ravenclaw, smiling and waving.
"Hey, Dirk," Lily said, returning the smile. "Are you having fun?"
"Not so much," Dirk replied, pulling his mouth into a pained grimace. "Slughorn pounced on me the moment I got here and stuck me with a bunch of Ministry heads. Delightful, really."
"Is that sarcasm I hear?" Lily asked with a laugh.
"Loads of it," Dirk answered. "Anyway, I'm really glad I saw you here. You always make these things more enjoyable. I don't know how you do it."
"Well, I'm glad I can help. Did you come with anybody this time?"
"No," Dirk lamented. "I didn't manage to secure a date. What about you?"
"I'm here with James, actually," Lily answered. "It's his first Slug Club event, but he's managing just fine. He's off getting some drinks right now."
"James Potter?" Dirk asked. When Lily nodded, he continued. "Oh, yes. You're seeing him now, aren't you? He's not a half bad bloke."
"Not at all," Lily replied. "I'm actually quite fond of him."
"I have to say," Dirk mused, "When I found out that he was Head Boy, I about died laughing. I was sure Dumbledore had gone mad."
"Me too," Lily agreed. "But he's done a brilliant job, I think."
"Yes, that's what I hear," Dirk said. "Oh, it looks like he's coming back with your drinks."
Lily glanced over her shoulder. Sure enough, James was making his way back through the crowd holding two mugs of eggnog.
"Here you go, Lily," James said, handing her one of the mugs. She took it and he placed his arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him. "Did you miss me?"
"Always," Lily answered, a new smile forming on her face. She glanced down at the mug. "Should I trust you to drink this?"
"It's only been spiked with Ogden's best," James teased.
"I suppose that's okay then," Lily replied before taking a sip.
"So, who is your friend?" James asked, finally noticing Dirk's presence. He eyed the shorter teen, looking him up and down appraisingly.
"Oh, James, this is Dirk Cresswell," Lily answered. "He's a year behind us; Ravenclaw. I know him from past Slug Club events."
"I see," James said. "Well, it's nice to meet you, Cresswell. I'm James, Lily's boyfriend."
"I know who you are," Dirk laughed. "Head Boy and trouble maker extraordinaire, James Potter."
"Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, too," James added tersely. "You play Quidditch, Cresswell?"
"Oh no," Dirk said, laughing again. "I can hardly tell a Quaffle from a Bludger. I find myself better suited to spend the time and energy on schoolwork. Though, I do see how Quidditch could appeal to some people."
"It's a lot harder than it looks, you know," James pointed out.
Lily looked up at him, frowning. James was staring through slightly narrowed eyes at Dirk, and his jaw was slightly clenched.
"I'm sure it is," Dirk agreed. He'd stopped laughing and was now looking at James with slight trepidation. "Well, I think I just spotted some of my other mates. So, I'll be off now."
"Bye, Dirk," Lily said, shooting him an apologetic glance. Dirk just nodded and slipped away into the crowd.
"What was that?" Lily demanded, rounding on James and glaring up at him.
"What was what?" James asked, his face a picture of innocence that Lily didn't buy for a moment.
"Don't be a ponce. You know what I mean. What was that, just now, with Dirk?" Lily stared into his eyes, daring him to lie.
"I... Well..." James ran his hand through his hair and bit his lip.
"I'm waiting," Lily said, her voice low, "to hear the reason that you acted like such a insufferable prat to my friend."
"I know," was James feeble response.
"Because, if you've got something against 6th years, or against Ravenclaws, or, I don't know, against blondes, then please, elucidate the matter for me. I really would love to know what I'm hexing you for."
"I didn't like the way he was looking at you," James mumbled, avoiding Lily's eyes and opting to stare into his mug instead.
"What?" Lily blinked, taken aback. She didn't understand what James meant. She knew for a fact that Dirk didn't care about blood status, that he didn't wish her harm.
"I didn't like the way he was looking at you," James repeated. He took a deep breath and exhaled. "It's... Lils, you look amazing tonight. I mean, not that you don't always look amazing... But right now it's there for everybody to see. And they do see it. It's not just Dirk... It's everybody. You're too gorgeous not to notice."
"You're... you're jealous?" Lily asked, incredulous. "Why on Earth would you be jealous? I'm here with you. I don't want to be with anybody else, James. You know that."
"I do..." James assented.
"So, then why do you care that other guys are looking at me?" Lily pleaded, her voice suddenly softer and gentler. All the other guests seemed to dissolve into the background and, to Lily, only herself and James were in the room. She shook her head and sighed. "I'm too in love with you to even notice."
James blinked down at her, dumbfounded.
"You're what?" he asked, his eyes wide and staring.
"I'm in love with you," Lily repeated. She bit her lip. She hadn't meant to say it, to tell him. Not like this, at Slughorn's Christmas party in the midst of an argument, at any rate. She'd only fully realised it herself a few hours previously, but she knew it was true. She knew it like she knew that her name was Lily Evans and that Voldemort was evil.
"You're infuriating and a complete jealous prat." Lily continued, blushing slightly but looking firmly into James eyes, "But in spite of all of that, or maybe because of all of that, I can't help love you."
"Oh," James replied, still staring at his girlfriend as though he didn't quite recognize her.
"Oh? That's all you have to say?" Lily asked, frowning slightly.
"What do you want me to say?" James asked in response. He was returning her fierce gaze now, his hazel eyes burning into her green ones with alarming intensity.
"I don't know," Lily whispered, suddenly lost. "Maybe say it back? Tell me I'm crazy? Say anything at all?"
"Lily..." James started, reaching out to touch her cheek, but Lily shrugged away.
"I need some air," she said. The rest of the party came flooding back into Lily's awareness and sheer amount of people crowded into the office was suddenly overwhelming. There were students and guests everywhere, too many of them, and it was suffocating her.
"Lily, wait," James said, reaching out again.
Lily shook her head, backing away quickly before turning completely and hurrying across the room and out of the dungeon office.
The air in the corridor was noticeably cooler, and the sounds of the party were all but muted. But escaping the crowd hadn't provided Lily with the relief she'd hoped. She didn't make it more than one corridor away before, gasping for breath, she leaned against one of the cold stone walls and sunk to the floor.
Lily didn't know what had happened, what was happening. She didn't know why it felt as though her airways had constricted, why the world was spinning. And she didn't know why she'd reacted the way she had.
While she hadn't planned on telling James that she loved him, as soon as the words had left her mouth, she'd expected a response. Something – anything – other than the "Oh" he'd given her. And, now that she thought about it, Lily realised that she'd expected James to say it back. But he hadn't, and Lily didn't know why.
He'd said it before, she knew. Lily remembered voicing her doubts about love the previous spring in Hogsmeade. As she sat on the cold ground, James' words came back to her with perfect clarity: "See, I've been in love with the same girl since I was fourteen years old. And even though I might never get a chance with her, and even though it might hurt like crazy, I don't regret feeling this way at all."
So what had changed? Had something changed? Had James just been saying that he loved her all those years, not knowing what it meant? Had her admission of love made him realise that he didn't love her?
She'd spent so much time – so many years – denying any feelings towards James that now, opening herself to the feelings of love... It scared her. Lily didn't want to be dependent on James, but she was. That much she did know.
"Lily?" James' voice rang out through the empty corridors, pulling Lily from her thoughts. "Lily, where are you?"
Lily swallowed, but didn't answer. She knew James would find her eventually. She hadn't made it very far, after all, and James was nothing if not persistent.
"Lils?" James' voice was closer now, and Lily could hear his footsteps echoing on the stone floor. A moment later, she could see him at the end of the corridor. His footsteps slowed telling Lily that he'd seen her, too.
"There you are," James repeated, hesitantly shortening the distance between them.
"James," Lily started, "I don't want-"
"Fuck, Lils, are you crying?" James interrupted, abandoning all caution and hurrying to kneel next to her.
"I don't know," Lily replied. Was she crying? She lifted a hand to touch her cheek; it was wet. "I guess so."
"I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't mean to-"
"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything," Lily cut him off. "It was stupid of me to... I just thought..."
Her words faded as she looked away from James. Lily didn't know what to say. She was struggling to breathe, to stop the thoughts racing through her head. There wasn't room in her mind to try to explain to James what was wrong. Especially when she wasn't completely sure why she was so upset – so scared - over it in the first place.
She could feel the tears now, hot on her cheeks, and she went to wipe them away, but James caught her hand in his. Silently, he lifted his other hand, wiping the tears away himself before turning her face to look at him.
"Lily," he started again. "Lily, listen to me. Don't ever apologise for what you just said. It was probably the most important thing anybody has ever said to me."
"But you just stood there," Lily argued, taking her hand from his and looking fiercely into his eyes. "You just stood there and asked me what you were supposed to say!"
"I was in shock Lily," James defended. "That was the last thing I expected you to say. I didn't know what to do."
"Have you thought about what to do, now? You're not in shock still, are you?" Lily demanded, fully aware that she was being childish and immature, but unable to stop the words flowing from her mouth. The searing pain in her chest was being replaced with hot anger and she embraced it. It was easier to be angry than to be hurt. Anger was still more familiar when it came to James.
"Well, to be honest, a little bit," James answered slowly. He squinted at her through his glasses, a slight frown on his lips. "I'm a bit confused, too."
"You're confused?" Lily questioned, the tears flowing steadily down the sides of her cheeks and onto her neck. "I told you that I loved you, and you did nothing. After years of professing your love to me, you couldn't say it back? I can't even count how many times you claimed to love me and the one time it matters, the one time it would mean anything-"
"That's exactly it," James interrupted. "It means something now. Those other times I said it? Fuck, I didn't know what I was talking about. I didn't know what love was, not really."
"And you do now?" Lily asked. "Because I remember last spring you told me to not be afraid to love. You seemed to know what you were talking about then. Are you afraid, now? Are you afraid of loving me?"
"I'm afraid," James answered, reaching once again to wipe the tears from Lily's face and, this time, she didn't jerk away. "I'm afraid of losing you, Lily. I'm afraid of botching things up and a sure fire way to do that would be to tell you that I love you when I'm not one hundred percent sure that I mean it the way I have to mean it. It matters too much."
"How can you not be sure? I know that I love you with every bit of me," Lily whispered, echoing Maia's words from earlier in the dorm. "It's overwhelming. How can you not feel it? It's like the magic I thought of as a kid, the kind of magic that exists in fairy tales. I've never been so sure of anything, James. How can you not be?"
"Because I convinced myself I was in love with you for so long," James explained, "and this is so different. You're important, Lily. You're so important that I don't know what I'd do without you."
"I don't know what I'd do without you either," Lily admitted.
"Then you understand why I don't want to mess this up?" James asked, looking at her with burning eyes. "You understand why I can't mess this up?"
"Yes," Lily answered. "But I don't understand why you can't tell me you love me, when we both know you do."
"Because right now there is confusion and shock and fear. When I say it - when I tell you that I love you - you will be able to know without any doubt that it is nothing but the absolute truth. But until then, Lily, I won't say it. Can you accept that, even if you can't understand?"
"I guess I have to," Lily said after a moment of silence. "Do I even have a choice?"
"Do you want me to mean it?" James asked. When Lily nodded, he continued. "Then you don't have a choice."
"You're insufferable," Lily said with a sigh.
"And you love it," James replied, causing Lily to laugh.
"For now, at least. Don't press your luck," Lily warned.
She looked into his hazel eyes, so full of adoration and care and concern. The panic that had risen in her half an hour before was subsiding. James made her feel comfortable and safe, even when he was the cause of her fear. His confidence that he would tell her that he loved her calmed her. As much as she wished he'd say it now, as insecure as she felt having been the one to say it – and really mean it – first, she didn't want to force him to say something he couldn't fully mean. He'd never forced her to do anything she wasn't comfortable with and she owed him the same respect.
"Come on," James said, standing up and reaching out a hand to Lily. "I'm starving."
"I don't want to go back to the party, James. I look wretched," Lily responded, but accepted his hand and stood up.
"I think you look beautiful," James asserted, pulling her close to him and wrapping his arms around her. "I think you look beautiful even when your face is blotchy."
"You're such a charmer," Lily said.
"Years of practice, dear," James said with a laugh. "We'll go to the kitchens. I think we've had enough of Sluggy's party, don't you think? Alfred can meet you some other time."
Lily nodded and the two of them set off down the corridor away from Slughorn's office.
"Are you okay?" James asked as they walked, hand in hand.
"Yes," Lily answered. "We will be, too, James. You aren't going to lose me."And, despite everything, she knew that her words were truth.
Peter couldn't look at her anymore; he needed to get out. The common room was half full –the perfect amount of people for somebody's business to become everybody's business. Heather was digging her pink, glossy nails into his clammy fingers, but he could barely feel it. Her desperate gaze was making his stomach hurt and a group of fourth years kept looking over at them. The common room had never felt so small.
"I-" Heather started.
Peter stood up, cutting her off. Heather's arm jerked as he stood. But, despite her gasp of pain from the sudden movement, she didn't release her grip on him. Her eyes were constantly pain-filled these days and Peter knew he was causing it, but it wasn't as if he could make her pain go away. He couldn't protect her; he couldn't protect anyone.
"I'm leaving," Peter whispered to her, his eyes darting over to the nosy fourth years. "People are watching-"
"No," Heather interrupted him, standing up next to him. "We aren't done-"
"Yes, Heather darling, we are." Peter hitched his voice higher, mocking sweetness. His face twisted into a sugar-coated smile and he kissed her softly on her sweaty forehead. Allowing himself to close his eyes briefly, he relished her scent. After a couple moments, though, he forced himself away. "Well, I'd best be off then."
Peter swallowed hard. He wished her sweet smell wouldn't linger in his nose, mocking him as he'd mocked her. He turned to leave the common room.
As he passed the fourth years, he heard the buzz of their whispers and looked up at them with his best innocent, pitiful smile. The action was rewarded, and they stopped whispering to share looks of sympathy with each other. Nobody could hold a bad attitude against somebody whose little sister had just died. Peter knew this and was not afraid to use this new power. If nothing else, he could use their sympathy to keep them silent.
That's what he wanted - for everyone to just shut up.
Once out in the corridor, Peter leaned against the stone wall, relishing the silence. Nothing was going right, and everything was going wrong. He couldn't fix things with Heather; he didn't even know if he wanted to. He didn't know what he wanted anymore, only that he wanted things to be easy, like they used to be. He wanted to be the little boy he'd been just a few months ago when he'd carved pumpkins with his girlfriend and sister. But, just because he wanted something didn't mean he'd get it, even if he could suss out what he desired.
After a moment, Peter realised that he wasn't alone. Turning his eyes, he saw Heather standing a couple feet away, by the portrait hole. She was frowning slightly, and wringing her hands as she stared at him.
"I said," he whispered, straightening and turning to face her, "we're done. I can't have this conversation right now."
"Right now?" Heather breathed, her soft tone incredulous. "You mean ever! I don't remember the last time we actually talked about something. Whenever I even so much as say 'hello', you start doing this. Then you pretend like nothing is going on and... this is so unfair!"
"Notice life isn't fair, did you, love?" Peter sneered. "Sorry to break it to you, but there are bad people in the world. And innocents die. And people change."
"I know that, Peter," Heather cringed. "You think I don't know that? Just because I'm trying doesn't mean I don't... Peter. I know. I know."
"Sure you do." He took her hands in his and walked close to her, so that her scent could invade his senses again. A small sigh escaped her lips and she leaned her forehead onto her boyfriends shoulder.
"Oh, Peter," She exhaled and let her body sag against his. "Please. Just love me."
"Damnit, Heather." Fear mingled with numbness in Peter's stomach, creating a toxic acidic feeling that sickened him. Heather's soft thighs and breasts pressed against him as she relaxed into his body. She was suddenly made of water, and Peter knew any sudden movements would cause her to splash, to bubble, to break, spilling to the floor.
He pushed her hard against the stone wall of the deserted corridor and she spilled, just as he had predicted. Tears splashed down her water-cheeks as he grinded against her, kissing her willing lips and holding her wrists against the wall.
"You know, right?" he said into her ear, and she shuddered against him. "Then you know that I love you. You know."
"I just..." Heather attempted to twist out of his grasp, just enough so that she could speak. Peter would have none of it; for once he held the tiniest bit of power. Giving up, Heather jerked her head in an attempt to make her blonde hair stop sticking to her tear stained face.
"I just," she continued. "I feel like I can't do anything right."
"Oh, darling," Peter released her and stepped back, so that she could move. The first thing she did was rub her wrists. As he watched her do this, Peter remembered that he should feel guilty that he might have hurt her. Noting the appropriate emotions, Peter picked up one of those wrists and kissed it gently. He looked into her red, puffy eyes and scrunched his eyebrows.
"Even when you're crying," he whispered. "You're beautiful. Your eyes –they are really blue."
"What?" Heather tilted her head in frustrated confusion.
"You're beautiful." Peter smiled at her. "Please, forgive me? You love me and I've been good to you for a long time, I'm just going through a hard time. That's understandable, right? You're beautiful."
"Thank you," The confusion had not even begun to fade from her features, but sympathy had found its spot in her eyes as well. "I'm so sorry, Pete. You're right, I shouldn't be pestering you I just..."
"No 'just's," Peter shook his head. "Of course I forgive you. You know I love you."
Heather nodded mutely and let out a sigh. Peter smiled and reached to brush her hair off of her tear drenched face. She really did look beautiful when she cried.
"Darling..." His voice was gentle, high-pitched and non-threatening. Where had all these 'darlings' come from? Had he ever called somebody 'darling' before in his life? He gritted his teeth against the questions. "Love, you're all wet. Maybe you should go wash up? I really need to be alone right now. Could you please give me that?"
"I..." Heather wiped her face, and found herself shocked to discover tears there. "I'm so sorry. I must look really awful... do you think you'll be okay? You really want to be alone?"
"Yes," Peter smiled gently. "That's exactly what I want. And of course I always think you look beautiful, even when you're made of water. I'll see you later, alright?"
Peter kissed her lightly on the lips. Without waiting to see her small nod, he turned away from her and walked down the empty corridor.
The corridor stretched into darkness and Peter thanked his small animagus form again. He had an automatic escape if he came across Filch. Curfew had been fifteen minutes ago, but the Slug Club party was allowed to run late, so Peter knew people were still out. Specifically, he knew Regulus Black and Severus Snape would be out. They were both Slughorn's favourites, after all.
With the thought of the two Slytherins burning in his mind, Peter listened to the sound of his footsteps as they carried him down to the dungeons.
[A/N: Thoughts? Predictions? Love? Hate?]