I was laughing so hard when the Glee version of "Touch A Touch A Touch Me" came on (Don't worry, Rocky Horror fans, I have the original version too). I can't do that for a few reasons- 1. I'm 13. That song isn't exactly appropriate for me to do. 2. Even if it wasn't, I would have no idea how to write one for that.

Random: One time, I was at lunch, and "friend #1" asked me, "Do you like anyone?" and I said no, and "friend #2" was like, "She likes Eli!" And I started cracking up. Friend #1 said, "From Degrassi? I think he's hot." And friend #2 said, "Lay off her man." I was laughing SO HARD.

Okay, so I like really love this song. Rise Against is amazing in my eyes, and this album is awesome. This song is so good.

Okay, and just because Eli says some stuff about not believing in God doesn't mean that I don't. I do believe in God, I just have an idea of what he's thinking.

Roadside

Rise Against

It's not possible.

She couldn't have-

No. She didn't. This is all a joke, right? A sick, twisted joke.

But nothing stopped me from running to Julia's house in search of an answer.

When I rang on the doorbell, no one answered. I could hear noises in the house, but for a few minutes, no one came to the door.

Eventually, Julia's mom came to the door. She looked terrible. Her eyes were puffy and red and she was holding a bunch of tissues.

"It's true?" I whispered, my voice cracking, though I already knew the answer.

Her mother gave a slight nod and burst into tears, walking back into her husbands arms. He shot me a tear-filled glare.

What seemed like hours after they slammed the door on me, I stood on the doorstep. Waiting.

But for what? Did I expect Julia to come out, grinning and asking me what we were going to do that day?

So I left. I ran. When I reached my house I opened the door and slammed it behind me, ignoring my mother's calls. I jumped on the bed and put my face in a pillow.

I screamed.

XXXXXXXXXX

From that day on, I was emotionally scarred. I would never be able to forget what happened to me. Not with that guilt.

And what did I do with all my bottled up emotions and guilt?

What I didn't do was live up to my image and slit my wrists. No. Just because I dress a certain way, doesn't mean I have an emotional problem.

Instead, I kept everything.

Because, honestly, everything reminded me of her. A leftover piece of math homework- Julia tutored me in math. I needed to keep it.

An action figure that Julia had made fun of playfully. It meant nothing to me anymore besides the fact that she had said something about it. I needed to keep it.

This is what I did with my feelings. I kept them stored in my locker and room. Because, if I let go of one single thing- it could be the death of me.

I have no idea how it came to that, but that's what I was thinking. I was crazy.

On the day of Julia's memorial, my room was already pretty messy. I had already started not throwing anything out. The only things I threw out were things that had nothing to do with Julia. (A few weeks later, it got much worse and I never threw anything out.)

I went there in all black, and tried to smirk at the fact that I wouldn't stand out.

But instead my mouth twitched and grimaced.

For the past week I wasn't able to smile, smirk, laugh, listen to any sort of happy music,- anything.

I stared at the hearse that was carrying Julia's coffin. It scared, disturbed, and disgusted me to think that she was actually in there, dead. The thought brought tears to my eyes.

I walked into the church alone. I didn't want to be in that church. If there was a God, then how could he just kill her off like that? I seriously didn't believe anymore.

As I was about to sneak out-I seriously couldn't stand it in there anymore- I overheard the funeral director and the hearse driver talking.

"...yeah, they're dumping the old car after the girl's funeral tomorrow."

I stopped dead in my tracks.

"So I just drive the hearse to the dump and get someone to drive me home?" The driver asked.

"Yeah, the thing breaks down so often it's no use to anyone."

"Can you give me the address-" the guy started to say.

I interrupted. "You can't just throw it out!" I yelled at them. They looked at each other with puzzled expressions.

"Her casket was in that hearse, you can't just put it in the dump like it means nothing to anyone!"

"Do you have a better solution?" The funeral director asked in what was supposed to be a sentimental tone.

"I'll buy it." I spat out.

Now, they had amused expressions. Did they not realized that the closest person to me just died?

"Kid, the things a funeral car. It breaks down every other day. Think about it, whoever she was to you, her dead body was still in it."

I didn't care. S-someone else m-might have d-died if I let them throw it out.

Julia's corpse had been in that hearse.

I had to keep it.

XXXXXXXXXX

So, a few weeks later I was going to a different school. I wasn't moving, my parents just insisted that I have a fresh start, maybe meet another girl. Sureeeee. I was just going to see another girl and claim her as my girlfriend. Did my parents not realize that the closest person to me had just died, or did they want to seem like they were the closest people to me? Well, they weren't. My parents never understood me. They never realized that I actually loved Julia. They thought she was just a girlfriend, and I was a player or something. It's like they expected me to act like a normal teenage guy, and wanted me to. It was sort of sickening.

I had purchased the vehicle for $700. I know, it was cheap for a car, but that didn't mean I could afford it. I scrambled together everything I had and some of my parents money, too, before I could buy the broken down hearse. And it was all because I couldn't throw anything out.

Why did I have to be crazy? Why did my girlfriend have to die? Why did I have to yell at her to leave my house? Why did I have to meet her in the first place?

Wait...

I know.

I would just pretend that she never existed, while remembering her through my objects in my room. I would pretend that she had never entered my life and I knew nothing about her.

That's why I kept it shushed when I became friends with the blue eyed beauty. She would be way too creeped out if I told her my ex-girlfriend was dead.

I didn't tell Clare. She didn't need to know.

Until I did tell her, and I wasn't yet ready for a relationship. She understood me, unlike my parents. Actually, she understood more than Julia did. Clare was not the type to argue, or get mad. I had argued with Julia, and that led to her death.

But somehow, I woke up, and knew that Julia's purpose in life was to lead me to Clare. And, when the time came, her purpose was over, and so she passed on.

But I didn't want to believe that, because Julia was a person, not something manufactured to help people.

And I forced myself not to think about it.

Suck-ish ending, but I thought the beginning was okay. Hows 'bout yous guys?

Harry Potter was very awsomazing. (Awesome + Amazing. :)

Watching the whole episode of the Degrassi Finale was worth it just to see Eli and Clare on that hammock. It was so cute and fluffy I thought it might have been fanfiction.

Review!