Characters are always the property of Stephenie Meyer.

Music and chapter title inspired by Hollywood Undead.

Chapter 13 Sell Your Soul

EPOV

My brooding was failing miserably. Mostly because Emmett was taunting me relentlessly with his thoughts. No matter how hard I tried to shut him out, it was impossible. He was always shouting.

So you gave away your cherry. So what? Buck up! You're a man now.

It was maddening. But in the end, I knew he was right on some level. I had always thought myself apart from the others, lacking in a way they were not. I'd always been aware of that difference though I never felt like it was a shortcoming. On the contrary, I secretly accepted my relative disinterest in members of the fairer sex as my greatest strength. There had never been anyone to interrupt my thirst for knowledge and intelligence. Never anyone until I met her.

She was beautiful and alluring in all the wrong ways, but I couldn't regret giving the last piece of myself to her. Despite her words after, it was beautiful and magnificent and so much more than any book or any mind could duplicate.

What my overbearing brother failed to see, was I was hopelessly and irrevocably in love with Bella. I felt like I had never lived a day until she stepped next to my car outside of Volterra. Now, she was gone from my existence as easily and thoroughly as shutting off a light switch. I knew I was a better man for having known her, but I also understood I'd never get over her. She was the only woman I would ever love and I made such a fool of myself.

Traipsing into her room like some hormonal teenage human was, perhaps, not the best way to let her know my feelings, but, at the time, it was the only thing I could do. Bella had so completely penetrated my mind and body. I couldn't resist her any longer. A century training myself to ignore my instincts and it came crashing down in a way I had never anticipated.

It wasn't like I had gone in there to lose my virginity. I only wanted to touch her, to kiss her, to feel her body against mine, but as far as actually engaging in that act with her, it hadn't been a part of my plan. Not that it didn't have a completely wonderful and natural outcome, but it made it worse to think of it like that and know she hadn't felt the same. She tried to warn me. She attempted to tell me I was making a mistake. But I couldn't stop myself. I didn't want to stop, ever. Blood lust was nothing compared to the desire I felt when I kissed her lips.

Now, I wanted desperately to forget her. How would I ever be able to continue on having lost someone like Bella? Impossible, especially after seeing her stand alone on the rise. Even the wind was jealous of the fabric clinging to her perfection. It whipped the ghostly shroud away from her as if to strip her naked.

Dramatic, isn't it? Alice thought, with a smile on her face. I couldn't help but agree. Bella had never before looked so much the angel I felt she was. Slowly, the Guard made their way closer and I recognized the two males immediately. Hearing their thoughts about her was almost too much to bear, but Alice had a vision just before I sprang from our lookout to rip their heads from their necks and Emmett and Jasper were able to restrain me.

Demetri's mind was full of lust and pornography starring my mahogany goddess, but the details were clear enough that I knew he already had the experience. And the small female's mind was laced in venom. As she stared at Bella through hate-filled eyes, her every thought screamed for extinction. But it was nothing compared to the third, Felix. When he looked at Bella, he saw nothing but love. It seemed pale in comparison with my own feelings for her, but he loved her nonetheless. I attempted to ignore those thoughts under my brothers' firm hands and tried to focus. Above everything else, he was relieved that he wouldn't have to turn against the others today, relieved that they wouldn't try and destroy her, relieved that he would be taking her home.

Where she wanted to be. I tried to tell myself that over and over, but couldn't stop feeling like she belonged with me. In my life, not in his. Regardless of my thoughts, Felix pulled her body close to his, in the embrace my arms ached to have.

It was all I could take. I pulled away from Jasper and Emmett and began to run. It seemed childish and immature, but my mind was pushed beyond rational thought watching her so close to someone else. I only wanted to get away. As far and as fast as I could.

It was a few hours later and after I had found an angry polar bear, before I headed back toward Nord. The others would be waiting, ready to leave. To hide until Alice saw something to let us know Bella had followed through and the Volturi believed us dead. Alice and Emmett were already gone and I found Jasper sitting sullenly on the front stairs of the house. Without saying anything, I flopped myself next to him.

We sat in companionable silence for awhile. Of all my siblings, I was glad it was Jasper who remained. He wouldn't try and make me feel better with streams of reassurances like Alice, and he wouldn't tease and taunt like Emmett. Carlisle and Esme would be beyond embarrassing and Rosalie would be absolutely intolerable. I could only imagine the comments she would throw at me. But Jasper was different. He would accept my feelings and not press me further than I wanted into telling him anything. Of course, that made me even more likely to spill.

"Where'd they go?" I managed to ask.

"Denali." He answered simply.

After another silence, I spoke again. "What are we supposed to do?"

Jasper shrugged, meeting my eyes. "That depends on you," he said, then smiled. "I am to hang around until you move on."

"There's nothing to move on from," I muttered unhappily.

Jasper laughed despite my sour mood. "Riiight. Be honest with yourself, Edward. You've never felt like that about anyone before."

Tell me something I didn't know, but I said, "Like it matters."

He threw an arm over my shoulder, giving me a little shake. The contact spread calming pulses through me. "According to Alice, it does matter."

My despair surged at his words though I know he meant to comfort. I sank lower into the ground, hoping the earth would swallow me.

BPOV

My arms wrapped around my chest as I desperately tried to hold on to everything I was leaving behind. My mind screamed at me to turn around, to run back into his arms, but I knew I couldn't. I could never go back. Knowing it, doing it caused my mental state to shift violently. I could feel them watching me. All of them. Could they understand what was happening from where they sat? Could they see me falling apart – drowning in on myself?

I did my best to hide my breakdown, but I couldn't help wondering how I came to this. This was the worst kind of nightmare and I was struggling to breathe as unnecessary as it was. My lungs ached for air – for something – and the whole time I could feel their eyes on me, all over me. Whatever tied me to this earth had been shut off and gone with the shudder of my spine.

I threw it all away. The words screamed through my thoughts over and over, but there was really nothing left to do about it. It was already over. Over before it began. Now, I just had to get away.

I found no comfort as the plane departed. I closed my eyes wearily and tried to ignore my despairing thoughts. I forced the hate deep into my heart, because it would be my only friend - the constant reminder of what I was. So much had changed and I knew I would never feel whole again. I threw away the very best part of me and I wanted it to kill me.

Volterra was a shell of what it had once been. Walls and buildings lay fallen and crumpled all over the city, reminding me even more how my insides felt. He had done this, created this destruction to save his family. My eyes stung in the smoke clogged air.

I can't go on this way. But even as it crushed me, I kept moving. I returned to the charred skeleton of my home only to find that even here I could not find distraction. I drew inward, refusing even the basic of necessities. I did not speak. I did not feed. I did not move. I did not care. I pushed the hate further into me, until it consumed me completely.

People came and went. Some seemed almost familiar, others not. I didn't care. I still didn't lift my head from the floor just inside the door. I wouldn't breathe and even the meager blood bags they left went untouched. The smell of the human blood made it worse. It was too rusty, too salty, and being so close to it made my head spin and my stomach flip. They stopped bringing it when I started throwing it back at their heads, causing the plastic to burst all over them in true Carrie-style.

The next sensation I was aware of was a strong arm, wrapping tightly around my waist and lifting me into a shower of steaming water. I supposed I was naked and that I should care who was washing me, but I couldn't. I just let them, even when the slow motions hesitated a little too long over my breasts, between my thighs.

Then, I was clothed. Someone ran a brush softly through almost dry hair. I hadn't even realized that time was passing. I didn't believe it possible anymore. How could there be anything, when everything was so completely gone?

A voice called to me. "Isabella!"

It wasn't the velvety softness I longed to hear, the voice that would never echo through my ears again. I didn't answer.

A sudden sting burned on my cheek. It was dull at first, but began to rage as the force behind it began to clear my mind for the first time in days. Words shook from my lips, as I found my voice again.

"You. Slapped. Me." Not as impressive as I meant, but I did have the strength to snap my shield out quickly. Anyone within a mile of me should have been knocked over at the force I put behind it. But I only had the strength to do it once and my head fell wearily back.

Whoever was with me seemed to realize my weakness, too. With a hand on each shoulder, I was shaken roughly. "Jesus, Isabella. Snap out of it! What the hell is the matter with you?"

I allowed my eyelids to flutter open and saw him kneeling before me, still gripping my shoulders with panic in his blackening eyes.

"Felix," I breathed, not really sure if I should feel comforted or even more guilty.

He loved me, too.

"Isabella!" He shouted again as my eyes threatened to roll into my head. "It's almost time for the trial. You have to be coherent enough to tell them what happened."

I moaned and his lips brushed my forehead lightly. "A trial?" I felt him nod. "Then, this is it, isn't it?" I would be out of my misery soon enough, so I stood and moved away from those hands, hands that had loved and worshiped me. I didn't deserve Felix's help. I'd been a monster to him, too. Still, he would not be shaken. He tenderly grabbed my hand and lifted me to my feet.

I felt my heart crumble away as I let Felix lead me to the tower. We didn't immediately go to the throne room and instead we made our way up the spiraling staircase to a private room on the upper level. Only it wasn't a room. It was a cell.

I stared mechanically from between the bars. Is this real? I wondered. The mob underneath the window doubled as I stared down at them. More witnesses to my end. I could sense the blood lust in the air, but it was for my blood they thirsted. They were going to kill me. They'll drain me as I kneel before them. I'll be burned at the stake and I had no choice but to just let them have me. There was no reason for me to continue existing after what I've done.

I closed my eyes again. The gleam of the guillotine was sharp in my memories. Of course they would torture me before I met the end. That is what they do. They drain the blood and venom of their enemies. At least it couldn't possible hurt worse than I'd already hurt myself. That would be inconceivable.

Eventually, Felix led me to the throne room, where it seemed the entire vampire population of Volterra had gathered. I knew many of the faces, but they all scowled at me. It was nothing less than I deserved. After all, it was not only Edward I had betrayed though my betrayal to these faces was nothing in comparison. They were here to bear witness to my mistakes and I couldn't care.

I kept my eyes focused on Aro and tried to forget everything else.

He stared at me for a moment until he acknowledged I was looking back and offered a forced smile. I didn't bother to return it. I saw my sentence as plain as day in those ancient, misty eyes. I saw the glorified disease staring me through Aro's face. It was a disease which used to infect me too.

But, I no longer suffered from that particular ailment. I was no longer at the mercy of Volterra. Something much stronger held my heart. I bowed my head before the brothers. Felix remained steadfastly by my side, but if I let myself dwell on the gesture, it would only serve to be the final nail in my coffin. I refused to lose anyone else. Instead, I did everything I could to respond to whatever question came at me. I did my best to lie. It was the last thing I could do.

By some small miracle of fate, I had always been impenetrable to Aro's power, so they could only have what I gave them. My own voice was hallow and numb as I described the death of the family I could never be a part of.

What were a few more lies, a little more hurt?

When I finished my tale, I finished completely, leaving myself entirely at the mercy of the Brothers. I didn't need to hear when Aro spoke my sentence, but I willed myself to listen.

"To say I am disappointed is an understatement. All you had to do to leave our ranks was say it. Desertion is an entirely different matter. Despite having a change of heart while gone, it does nothing to lessen the offense. Especially, you, my Bella. I expected so much more from you than this." He almost looked sad for an instant, before a wicked light burned in his eyes. "It is for that you are hence forth, for eternity, stripped of your rank in our elite. Let yourself stand as a reminder that rules must be followed. You are hereby sentenced to extinction."

The collective gasp of the witnesses and Felix's hand reaching out to squeeze mine brought me back from the darkness again. It was over. Done. Part of me was relieved. My pain would be over soon. Then, I realized Felix was snarling.

"How can you do this?" He spat at Aro. "She was the closest thing you've had to a daughter, and you throw her to the wolves? What kind of justice are you selling, Aro?"

All three of the Brothers' cloudy red eyes narrowed on Felix. Even my undead skin felt the coolness of their stares. A hush fell over the expectant crowd.

"I'd bite my tongue, dear Felix," Caius crooned. "Unless you'd like to end up like your lady here. But, perhaps you just don't know her as well as you thought."

Felix glanced at me, then back to the brothers. Caius was scowling and Aro's eyes flickered with excitement. Marcus looked as bored as usual. On the outside, nothing looked out of place, but they gave me an uneasy feeling. One that Felix clearly felt, too, as he stepped slightly in front of me in a gesture of protection.

"What does that mean?" He hissed. I was suddenly nervous for him and put my hand on his arm to try and calm him. I felt as he relaxed a bit.

It was Aro who spoke this time. "She did not kill the Cullens in Greenland. If they are dead, it was not by her hand." His eyes turned their evil stare to me. "Do not lie to me, child. I know all. Demetri is already tracking the others."

"She never said she got all of them!" Felix shouted exasperatedly.

"No," Aro agreed, his smile widening threateningly. "But she never told us of the ties she made in these past weeks." He glanced over at Marcus. "It seems our dear Isabella has made deep connections indeed."

Felix looked at me, but I kept my eyes fixed on Marcus. I felt like an idiot. In all my planning, I never took into account Marcus' ability. His specialty was sensing the strength of relationships, always looking for weakness in those connections. He would naturally sense the feelings I had for Edward and would never believe I destroyed him. Fuck.

Aro was going on without waiting for my reaction. "We will have your beloved soon enough." He said like it was something dirty. "Too bad you won't be around to see him one last time." Aro clasped a hand over his nonexistent heart and feigned a swoon.

The next thing I knew four more of the guard shoved toward me. Felix sprung into action, pulling me behind me and growling furiously.

"Tut, tut, Felix," Aro chided again. "This will be your last warning."

Through clenched teeth Felix snarled a response. "I will take her."

The others backed off with a nod from Aro and Felix began to gently pull me from the throne room. He led me back to the cell and gently laid me on the sofa. I closed my eyes from his face immediately. It was too much.

I breathed in deeply two times, knowing it would never again feel like enough. Luckily, my time to breathe was fading fast. "Felix," my voice was the barest whisper, only loud enough for his sensitive hearing to understand. "I am so sorry."

It was all I could say, but I tried desperately to apologize for the half century of heartache I had caused him. It was insane for me to have treated him as I did. Above all else, Felix was a good soul. What I hadn't known during all those years, is that real love has the power to break you. I knew it all too well now and I knew what every word, every touch had done to him. Yet, he was still here. Still by my side. No matter how desperately I wished it was someone else's arms comforting me, Felix was still here. I owed him the truth. Or at least the part I could tell him without crushing him further than I already had.

So, I whispered that I did love him, however insignificant that amount was. I told him I now saw every mistake I made, each time I had hurt him and apologized over and over. He placed gentle undeserved kisses on my cheeks, where the tears would have flowed had I been able to shed them.

I explained that I knew what love meant now, what it could do to a soul. He understood without me telling him that I was not speaking of my love for him, but he continued to try and soothe me in a way one can only when they loved. It was the way I wished I could touch Edward at this moment. I wished I could reassure him that as long as he lived, it would be fine.

Eventually, my quiet sobbing interrupted my speech and I could think of nothing but Edward. My mind floated away, back to those wonderfully dark memories, but somehow, Felix bore it and stayed by my side through my breakdown.

It was so much more than I would ever deserve.

Three sunrises and sunsets he endured as I grieved my lost love, the love I so selfishly threw away. Then, with the barest whisper, he finally spoke again. "It's time, Bella." It sounded more pained and broken than I imagined which only brought on a new round of shaking guilt.

He rubbed my hair softly, shushing me. "Bella, don't blame yourself. You can't help who you love. You never loved me. I knew that. I never held any delusions you felt what I did."

I raised an eyebrow at him and he chuckled, letting a small smile lift his lips. It was almost wonderful. "I mean, of course I hoped you'd fall in love with me one day, but let's face it. We both knew it would never happen.

"I won't pretend I understand what's happened to you, Isabella, but I know what hasn't changed at all. I love you and you love me and even if it's not enough to change anything, it should be enough to change something!" He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine, trying desperately to show me how deep and true his feelings ran. It killed me, but I let him do it. It was goodbye.

When he backed away, he looked into my eyes for a long silent time. "Can you trust me?" He whispered.

I nodded. Of course I trusted him.

"Then, we run."

I was shocked and not about to let him ruin his future for me. "No." My voice was hard. "I'll take what I deserve."

He looked ready to cry and took my face in his hands. "Oh no, don't ever say that. You don't deserve this. You didn't do anything wrong. You fell in love with some one Aro doesn't approve, but that's not his choice to make."

I didn't deserve Felix. I didn't deserve the Cullens or Edward. In my mind, my sentence was exactly what I deserved for turning traitor to myself. There was nowhere I could run away from that. There was only one way to escape myself and it was time.