Disclaimer: If I owned Hetalia or The Princess Bride, I'd be one rich gal. Sadly, I own neither and am therefore broke.

The small Sicilian scowled at his work, standing close beside the princess's horse as he ripped angrily at the cloth in this hands.

"What is that you're ripping, Lovinito?"

"The uniform of a Guilder army officer, you dumbass. And don't call me by that lameass name.

The towering Russian looked over from his post on the ship, his attention slowly drifting from the knots he was tying to his boss. "Who's 'Guilder'?"

Lovino scowled, tucking the newly-freed emblem to the horse and letting it loose. "It's the country across the stupid sea," he grunted. Slapping the horse to startle it and stepping back with a satisfied smirk, he continued "the sworn enemies of Florin, you fucking idiot. Once the horse reaches the castle-"

"If the horse reaches the castle," Antonio added cheerily.

His companion stared at him for a moment, mouth slightly agape as if he couldn't believe the Spaniard had just interrupted him. "Shut the fuck up, you tomato bastard. Once the horse reaches the castle, which it most definitely will, then that prissy bastard of a Prince will see the emblem and suspect the Guildarians of abducting his one true love!" He snickered, rolling the fabric idly between his fingers as he stepped across the gangplank and onto the small ship. "And when they find her dead body on the Guilder frontier, then he'll have no reason to doubt it was them," he sneered.

Ivan's face contorted in confusion, piecing it together as Lovino tossed the fabric to the side and Antonio bounded towards the wheel. "You never said we were going to kill her, comrade."

"Look, asshole. I hired you to help me start a war! It's very prestigious business, much more than that shitty 'art' thing my stupid little brother is doing. This line of work is a long and glorious tradition."

"I just don't think it's right," the giant replied solemnly, glancing down at the sleeping captive. "Killing an innocent girl…"

The tiny man frowned, setting his jaw bitterly as he crossed his arms. "Am I going mad," he spat, "or did the word think just escape your lips! I didn't fucking hire you for your brains, you dumb fuck!"

The Spaniard turned to face them both, biting back a quiet sigh and leaning against the ship's wheel. "I agree with Ivan, Lovino."

"Oh, now the ass has spoken! What happens to her doesn't concern either of you two idiots! I'll kill her!" The volatile Sicilian stomped towards the Spanish man, who now looked as if he wished he could retreat. "And remember this," he hissed, fisting a hand in Antonio's shirt and yanking him down so that he could scream in his face. "Never forget this! When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy!" He dropped the cloth and turned harshly towards the once-forgotten Ivan. "And you! Friendless. Brainless. Hopeless!" Lovino sneered, stepping closer towards the giant as a nasty smirk grew on his pale face. "Do you want me to send you back to where you were! Unemployed in Russia?"

The two stared at each other for what seemed like ages before Lovino sighed dramatically and retreated to busy himself with something. Ivan continued to stare after him, his face a cloudy mix of various emotions. Antonio clicked his tongue, shaking his head quickly before hopping down to join his … coworker.

"Don't mind Lovino, amigo. He tends to fuss."

Ivan smiled, stroking his chin momentarily in thought. "Fuss…fuss….. I think that he likes to scream at us."

"Of course, he doesn't mean any harm."

"He's really very short on charm," the Russian giggled, earning a very venomous glare from the topic of the "discussion".

Antonio beamed, clapping the giant on the arm in a friendly manner. "You have a great gift for rhyme!"

"Yes, yes" Ivan cooed. "Some of the time."

Lovino growled, jabbing a finger at the pair accusingly. "Enough of that, you bastards!"

The Spaniard shook his head, turning glittering green eyes towards his friend. "Ivan, are there rocks ahead?"

"If there are," he bellowed, "we'll all be dead!"

"No more rhymes, dammit! I mean it!"

For a moment, there was only the sound of the wind smacking the sails and the ocean water lapping at the sides of the small vessel. Then, with a crooked little grin, Ivan spoke.

"Anybody want a peanut?"

Startled, birds flew from the trees as a piercing shriek echoed about; the Sicilian had reached his breaking point.

The small band sailed for hours, the sun slowly dipping down and letting an inky night blanket the open sea. Murky water swirled around them as they tried to settle, waiting patiently for when the time came to go back ashore. Natalya, awake now, sat bitterly in her small corner, glaring icily at each man in turn.

"We'll reach the cliffs by dawn," Lovino announced dryly.

Everyone's head, as if on a hinge of some sort, swiveled to meet his seething glare before returning to what they were doing before. Antonio looked over his shoulder, squinting his eyes at the horizon as if there were something catching his fancy in the dark.

"Why do you keep doing that!"

Antonio smiled at the water, neglecting to look back at whom he was addressing. "I am making sure that nobody follows us."

"That would be inconceivable" he scoffed.

"Despite what you think, you will be caught."

All three men turned to stare at the once silent princess.

"That, or I will get free and kill you all."

The leader laughed, though the hint of anxiety did not go unnoticed by his men. He took a moment to compose himself, returning to the unpleasant scowl so commonly settled upon his face.

"Of all the necks on this boat, your highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own."

Silence was then a blanket that covered the ship and it's occupants with a heavy feeling of tension. Antonio lost interest, turning back to stare behind them. Lovino didn't fail to notice this, bristling all over again.

"Stop that, dammit! Just relax, already! We're almost there, you dumbass!"

"You are sure there's nobody following us?"

He snorted, shaking his head as if the stupidity of the Spaniard was absolutely inconceivable. "I already told you, Antonio! That's absolutely, totally, and in every other fucking way inconceivable! No one in Guilder knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could've possibly gotten here that fast! Out of curiosity, why do you ask?"

Antonio smiled, jerking his thumb over his shoulder while simultaneously giving a half shrug. "It's just, suddenly I happened to look behind us and something is there."

A moment passed as the information sunk in, but before long both Ivan and Lovino were on their feet and rushing towards the bow. And, sure enough, a small speck of a boat was drifting on the horizon. The Sicilian man scowled, nervously running a hand through his hair as his brain scrambled to think of an excuse.

"That? That's nothing! Probably some dumbass fisherman out for a pleasure cruise."

"At night," his companions echoed unsurely.

"Yes, dammit! At night!"

"Through eel infested waters, Lovinito?"

"Shut the fuck up, Antonio."

What the men didn't know was that, while they were fussing over the ship in the distance, silent Natalya was using this distraction to quietly hoist herself up over the edge of the boat. They weren't alerted to her escape attempts until it was too late; it took the sudden splash to make them notice. Natalya did her best to swim as fast as she could, trying to get as far away from the boat as possible. After all, she had no idea how soon her captors would come after her.

Lovino quickly found himself in a rage. "What the hell are you waiting for! Go in and get her," she screamed at the others as he flung himself at the side of the ship.

Antonio gave him a bewildered look. "I don't swim!"

"I only doggy-paddle," Ivan offered cheerily.

Lovino screamed in frustration again, stomping his feet angrily as he tried to spot the maiden. "Veer left, you useless bastards! Left, left! God dammit, Antonio! Don't you know what your fucking left is!" The Sicilian continued to scream profanities as Ivan tapped his shoulder, motioning for him to listen.

Even after Lovino had shut his mouth, a dreadful screech continued to rise up around them all, seemingly coming out of nowhere. As it grew louder, the small Italian grinned, rubbing his hands together quickly. "Do you know what that sound is, highness?"

Natalya frowned, stopping where she was to look around, also trying to find the source of the noise. Apparently, this man knew more than she as to the origins.

"Those are the shrieking eels! If you don't believe me, just wait! They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh!"

All of a sudden, the princess felt a strong, scaled body brush against her back, tugging at the soaked fabric of her dress. She gasped in surprise (not fear, for she had nothing to fear now that Alfred was gone and nothing could be worse than that) and turned to face it; she saw only the moonlight reflecting off razor-sharp teeth before the eel snapped it's jaws shut and circled around her.

Lovino snickered, reaching a hand over the edge of the ship and beckoned to Natalya. "If you swim back now, I promise that no harm will come to you. I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels," he sneered.

She tried to scowl back at him, to show how much she despised him, but the gesture was cut short as the eel that had turned back to her demanded her attention. It opened it's mouth wide, screeching at her as it sliced through the water straight for her. Another gasp tumbled from her lips as she drew back, swearing she could see her own reflection in the teeth that seemed only inches from her face.

"Oh, Peter! She doesn't get eaten by the eels!"

"…..What?"

Tino smiled. "The eel doesn't get her! I'm only telling you because you looked so worried!"

Peter frowned, shifting inside his little cocoon of a comforter. "Oh, I… I wasn't that worried."

The child's mother figure smiled, giving a knowing glance to his partner. Berwald grunted in response.

"Ok! So, maybe I was a little concerned, but that's not being worried!"

"We could stop now, if you want. You should be getting pretty tir-"

"No! I mean, you could read some more…if you want."

"Let's see… 'Do you know what that sound is, highness? Natalya frowned, stop-"

"No, you passed that, already! You've already read it, mom!"

The Finn laughed. "Ok, I'm sorry! It's alright, Peter, don't get so worked up, now. Let's see… she's in the water, and then the eel…and then….oh, here we go!"

Another gasp tumbled from her lips as she drew back, swearing she could see her own reflection in the teeth that seemed only inches from her face. And then, before she knew it, there was a loud thud and the eel was gone. Strong hands lifted her out of the water, gently setting her against the rough wood of the ship's deck.

"Put her down," Lovino commanded. "Just put her down!" Apparently, he hadn't noticed she was already well out of the Russian's grasp; for some reason, he refused to stay any closer to Natalya than he needed to.

As his little friend worked on binding the princess, Antonio took it upon himself to check once again on the boat in the distance. He frowned at it for a moment, then turned to face the angry Italian. "I think they're getting closer, Lovi!"

"He's no concern of ours," he spat in response. "Sail on!"

Antonio did as he was told; Lovino returned his attention back to the drenched royal. "I suppose you think you're brave."

"Only compared to some," she responded coldly.

The two stared at each other for a moment, sizing up the opponent with equally foul expression. The Italian clicked his tongue and, once satisfied with his knots, left her to dry and to go harass either Ivan or Antonio. Natalya sat alone until the sun rose and cliffs began to overtake the seemingly endless sky.

"Look!" Antonio cried out suddenly. "He's right on top of us!" His traveling mates stared tiredly up at him, as he looked up at the sails in deep thought. "I wonder if he is using the same wind we is using."

For what seemed like the umpteenth time, Lovino stared at him in disbelief. "If we're going the same direction, he has to be using the same wind, you dumbass! Besides, whoever he is, he's too late!" He grinned, pointing at the cliffs that towered before them. "The Cliffs of Insanity! Hurry up! Move that …. That thing! And that other thing! Move those things, you fucking bastards!"

Before long, Lovino and his gang had successfully maneuvered the ship safely into a small alcove, unaware of the boat trailing closely behind them. "We're safe," he announced enthusiastically as he rushed to grab the princess. "Only Ivan is strong enough to go our way! That bastard will have to sail around for hours before he finds a port!"

Antonio helped their giant friend into a harness as Lovi and Natalya stood by, waiting anxiously as the other ship continued to drift even closer. Everyone's movements were rushed, save for Natalya. She squirmed, trying to escape her captors as the bubbly Spaniard helped her into a harness attached to Ivan's. Once she was there, both and Lovino clambered onto their friend's back and they were off.

The giant Russian grunted, pulling hard at the rope and propelling all four from the gravely surface below their feet and began to scale the monstrous cliffs. They had already climbed more than half way up the rope by the time their pursuer had leaped off his boat.

"He's climbing the rope," Antonio murmured, awestruck. "And he's gaining on us."

"Inconceivable," Lovino muttered, equally enthralled by the man's speed. "Faster, Ivan!"

"I thought I was going faster..!"

"You were supposed to be this colossus! You were this great legendary thing! And yet, he gains!"

Ivan grunted again. "Well, I am carrying three people! And he's got only himself!"

"I will not accept your fucking excuses! I'll just have to find myself a new giant, that's all!"

"Don't say that, Lovino. Please?"

The Sicilian huffed, glancing down at the ever-gaining black-clad figure before glaring back at Ivan. "Did I mention your job was at stake!"

The rest of the climb was in silence, except for the occasional cry of sea birds or waves crashing against the rocks. Antonio was the first to wiggle out of his harness and onto the steady ground of the cliff top, barely missing a beat as he turned to help the princess next. Natalya curled into a ball, dead set on being more of a nuisance than moping and feeling sorry for herself. Lovino was the next to be helped up, and once he was also safe on the top, Ivan hoisted himself up and brushed the pebbles and dust off of his clothes. The small Sicilian also wasted no time in getting to his task; once he was certain Ivan was off the rope, he scrambled for the rock to which the rope had been secured and drew his dagger, immediately sawing at the rough lead.

Once he had successfully cut through, he threw it to the ground and watched it slither away and slip off of the edge. The three men all looked at each other, a guilty feeling of excitement and victory swelling up inside of Lovino's gut. Antonio and Ivan stepped cautiously to the edge, both peering over before exchanging a small look.

"He has very good arms."

Lovino soon joined them, taking a deep breath and gripping the handle of his blade tight enough to turn his knuckles white. "He didn't fall! Inconceivable!"

"You keep using that word," Antonio mused as he turned to look at his companion. "I do not think it means what you think it means."

"It means whatever the f-"

"Dios mio! He's climbing!"

Lovino bristled, miffed about being interrupted as well as having an unplanned factor thrown into his plans. "Well," he spat as he waved the knife about, "whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the princess and must therefore die!" He jabbed it at Ivan, causing the giant to take a quick step back. "You, carry her. And you" -he jabbed it at Antonio, this time- "We'll head for the Guilder frontier. Meet up with us when you finish with him. If he falls, fine. If not, use the damn sword." The two stared at each other, the Lovino gave an indignant huff and started to stomp off after Natalya and Ivan.

"I'm going to do him left handed."

"You're going to wh- what! You know how much of a hurry we're in!"

Antonio laughed, holding his hand out to the man before him and making a quick fist. "But, it is the only way I can be satisfied! If I use my right, it's over too quickly."

Lovino snorted in reply. "Have it your way, then! Dumbass." He snorted again, shaking his head before crossing his arms in a pout and stomping off.

Ivan set the princess down on her feet, glancing behind him at his friend who was bounding towards the edge of the cliff in excitement, his fingers twitching in anticipation of using his blade once again.

"You be careful," Ivan warned quietly. "Men in masks can not be trusted, comrade.

Antonio smiled, giving a meaningful nod at his friend as they continued to share that special stare of trust.

"I'm waiting," Lovino screamed from a ways away.

Ivan gave another small nod to Antonio, then collected the princess and trotted after the impatient leader.

The Spaniard simply continued to shake out his hands, pacing back and forth between a safe spot to practice and the edge of the cliff from where he could spy on the man in black.

Maybe, after years or preparation, the time had finally come.

Someone suggested the title "Cracker Be Tripping". If you're reading this, it's here. ALSO, sorry for the long disappearance! Long story short, I got kicked out of my house and then writing because a small priority because my grades started slipping, and then I got kicked out again so now I'm back where I started. Um, so yes. I feel like I've been typing this forever, but I'm only 17 minutes into the movie. Sheesh. Thank you for your reviews! I really, really appreciate them! Also, someone commented on Tino swearing. At first, your review confused me. Then I remembered that Tino's "reading". So, to answer your question, we'll say "NO, TINO DID NOT SWEAR." While he is narrating, yes, we'll just assume that he's keeping the book "kid-friendly" for Peter. The swearing's only in there because it's just not Romano without the swearing.

Turoruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu 3