I do not own anything... CHRISMI-KWANZA-KAH SPECIAL PART ONE!
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"No, seriously. They're mad, all of them. Barking mad."
"They're your family, I'm sure they're wonderful."
"Aye, a wonderful addition to the London Zoo."
"How bad could they be?"
"Well, there's my ma, who still thinks I've spent the past year as a seamstress in London. Then my aunts, who are all positively ancient. Jaspert brings a new girl home every Christmas. The Ferguson half and the Sharp half absolutely loathe each other, so God knows why we spend Christmas together. The oldest granddaughter- me- is forced to watch the children. This means that I get blamed when things get broken. Then someone brings up my dead grandda and Grandma starts crying. We sit through a two hour service at some church. There's always a huge row about the cooking- usually involving me- that ends with my aunts ignoring each other throughout the meal. My senile great aunt thinks I'm my grandmother Lucy and asks me about my husband Alfred and the little ones, and I have to play along or she gets upset. Oh, and no one but Jaspert has seen my haircut yet. They'll all have kittens."
She smiled a little at the last part.
"I'm sure you're exaggerating. Besides, I have to meet them one day."
"On your own head be it."
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When the fateful day arrived, Alek wore a plain dress shirt and pants, because Deryn forbade any "fancy princely yakum." He could hear her muttering darkly about women's clothing from the other room. Finally, she came out in a worn skirt and blouse, looking like she had been through a war, which she technically had.
"You look...nice."
"Don't start."
A crowded trolley ride later, they arrived at a dingy grey house. Deryn nervously looked around.
"Maybe we should just go. This was a bad idea."
"Deryn..."
"Really, let's run while we can."
"They're your family."
She sighed and knocked on the door. A small woman who closely resembled her opened it.
"What happened to your hair?"
"Nice to see you too, ma."
"But what happed? Were you attacked by a razor hawk?"
"Maaa... Stop it."
"Are you being cheeky with me?"
"Ma, I'm a grown woman."
"Oh, don't make me laugh." She noticed Alek, who had, in fact, been trying not to laugh. "Who is this?"
"I'm Aleksandar Ferdinand, Mrs. Sharp. Pleased to meet you."
"Oh... thank you. Go on in- not you, missie." She blocked Deryn's way, and proceeded to interrogate her.
Inside, it was loud and crowded. He only recognized Jaspert, who laughed and thumped him on the back.
"This is my lovely Polly," he said. A pretty girl with dark hair waved shyly at him.
Several little children clustered around him.
"Are you Deryn's husband?"
"No."
"Who are you?"
"Her friend, Alek."
"I'm five."
"That's nice..."
"Well I'm seven!"
Soon, Deryn and Mrs. Sharp came in.
"...an absolute disgrace-"
"Ma, I get it!"
"...not even wearing a corset-"
"In case you haven't noticed, no one wears corsets anymore!"
An extremely old woman got to her feet, with a vacant expression of joy.
"Lucy," she said, embracing Deryn, "Happy Easter!"
"It's Christmas... Mother."
"Of course it is. How is dear Alfred?"
"Um... fine. He's fine."
"And the little ones?"
"Still fine."
"They grow up so quickly, don't they?"
"Y-yes, absolutely."
Their awkward reunion was cut short by a loud crash. Across the room, a small child sat wailing among the shattered remains of a porcelain dish. Deryn swooped over, simultaneously trying to calm him down and pick up the gleaming shards.
"Deryn! You'll be a terrible mother, you know!"
"Aaargh..."
The old woman, apparently not noticing Deryn's absence, wandered to Alek.
"So, has Mary had the baby yet?"
"What? Uh, yes. Yes, she's had the baby."
"Oh, wonderful! What have you named him?"
Jaspert came to Alek's rescue.
"Jaspert. They want to have another child next." He winked, whispering to Alek, "She thinks you're my father."
"Oh... Well, goodbye." She nodded happily and began talking to a coatrack.
From the kitchen, he could hear arguing.
After a while, everyone pulled their coats on and walked down the street to the small church. Mothers yelled dire threats regarding playing with the snow. Deryn jogged to his side and whispered, "Last chance... I can pretend to have a fever and we can dash home."
"No, don't."
"You're right, too obvious. I did that last year."
"Deryn!" hollered Jaspert, "Retreat! Someone told her!" He pulled out a signal whistle and blew sharply.
Deryn paled and swore softly, grabbing Alek's hand for support.
"Wait, who? Told her what?" he asked.
Her mother marched up behind them, looking furious.
"Your Aunt Claire just told me about a certain Dylan Sharp on the list of men returning form overseas.First I told myself it was a coincidence, a similar name. After all, the men were from the HMS Leviathan. Of course it couldn't be, then, I thought. Then I turn the page and what do I see? Explain yourself!"
She brandished a scrap of newspaper in their faces, showing them a small photo. It was the crew of the Leviathan.
"Ah... a misprint?"
"Aaargh!"
"But you still love me, right?"
"That hasn't worked on me since you were eight." Mrs. Sharp twisted Deryn's ear. "Though I suppose I do. And you, boy, keep your hands off my daughter."