A typo on the original prompt topic, which changed the question of what surprising hobby's Kaidan might have to hobbits, sent us into silly mode, and by 'us' I mean myself, along with my partners in crims, Star and Shenzi, lmao. Then we found the Isengard song on youtube, and tortured ourselves with it *sigh* The three of us should never be left unsupervised!
And so from the three S's, or Stooges if you prefer - Star, Shenzi, and Sesh, we present for your reading pleasure (and with sincere apologies to Professor Tolkien)…
Kaidan's Surprising Hobbits
Three mass relays to the asari queens under the sky
Seven to the krogan lords in their halls of stone
Nine to mortal men doomed to die.
One conduit to rule them all, one conduit to find them.
One conduit to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
"You've done enough Shepard," the Turian Councilor said.
Shepard felt Kaidan stir beside her and glanced over to see her normally calm and rather serious Lieutenant's face turning a lovely and extremely furious shade of red. Her own anger simmered under the surface. Gotta get us out of here. We'll take the Normandy and go. To hell with the Council's permission! Putting a hand on Kaidan's arm, she tugged at it. "Let's go back to the Normandy. We're not going to get much satisfaction here." He nodded rebelliously but turned to follow her out of the chamber.
"Shepard! Just in case you thought you'd just leave, I want you to know I've locked out the Normandy's systems," Udina barked from behind them.
Kaidan spun around, jerking his arm out from under Shepard's hand. "You bastard! You've betrayed us!"
Shepard shot Kaidan a warning look and grabbed his arm, dragging him away. "C'mon. We'll figure something out."
Kaidan took another mouthful of the drink Wrex handed to him; the anger he felt towards the Council and Udina still simmering under the surface. Regardless of the evidence Shepard had presented, the Council still refused to take their heads out of their asses long enough to actually take some action and Udina – Udina! – had insisted on kissing their asses by locking down the Normandy.
"So, here's to Shepard," Wrex said and raised his glass in a toast. "Hehehe…stealing the Normandy. She has the quads of a krogan."
Kaidan raised his glass, downing the remainder of his drink in one go. What the hell is this stuff? He'd only had two drinks and was already starting to feel woozy. He tried to stand but only succeeded in sliding to the floor. Wrex guffawed as he hit the ground, "You humans are such lightweights!"
The krogran rose from the table, downing the rest of his drink, then picked Kaidan up off the floor, slinging him over his shoulder. It was just a short distance from the mess to the Normandy's crew quarters. Kaidan felt himself being dumped into a sleeping pod and a blanket dropped over him. "Than…" he mumbled as the room faded away.
The pounding dance music alerted him to a change in location. I'm in Flux. How the hell did I get here? He was seated at a table with Shepard and Anderson. It all felt strangely familiar as if…as if I've been here and done this before. He heard Anderson's voice and looked up only to see that Anderson whom he knew had been there just a minute before had somehow morphed into an elderly white-haired and bearded man dressed in flowing robes. Like a character from one of those old-time vids I used to watch. Like that one with the wizard…and little people with big feet. What was his name… Garfield? No. Gandofolo? No.. no… Gandalf! Yes, that was it!
"Shepard. Alenko. Glad you made it. For the veiling shadow that glowers in Dark Space takes shape. Saren will suffer no rival," Gandalf intoned. "From his place in the depths. Of Sovereign he watches… ceaselessly searching. But he is not above fear; doubt ever gnaws at him. The only human Spectre lives, and holds all our fates in her hands. Saren fears you, Shepard. He fears what you may become. And so he will strike hard and fast at the Council. But, for all the Reapers' cunning, we have one advantage. The conduit yet remains to be discovered and used, and that we should seek to destroy it has not yet entered their darkest dreams."
"I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I swear to you I will not let the Citadel fall, nor humans fail the universe," Shepard replied.
The old man smiled, "Then it is decided and our course clear. Prepare to journey to Ilosgard while I see to the means of the Normandy's release.
The room faded again. When Kaidan came to, he found himself standing near the Normandy's Galaxy map. The command center seemed strangely empty. Although Pressly was supposed to be on duty, he was not at his usual spot but in fact seemed to have been replaced by short man whose head could barely be seen over the top of the station. As Kaidan looked around he realized that a number of crewmembers seem to be different. To have shrunk in fact into short, grotesque beings with huge, hairy feet. What the hell is going on? Joker will know, he thought and headed to the bridge.
However the sight that greeted him, made him regret his decision. Joker was sitting in his usual spot in the pilot's chair but he too appeared to have lost a good two feet in height. As Kaidan approached he realized that Joker was watching a weird – and rather kinky - extranet vid and stroking his rather large, ugly feet. "My Precious," he muttered and pulled his foot up, popping a hairy toe in his mouth. From the look on his face, it was apparent that he was enjoying himself immensely.
What is happening here? I must find Shepard. She'll know how to fix things. She fixes everything. Kaidan turned without speaking and headed to the comm room wishing with all his heart that he could unsee what he'd just seen.
A few minutes later he entered the comm room to find a staff meeting in progress. Why wasn't I told about it? he wondered. He didn't have time to ponder this however for Garrus was speaking to the group in a strangely disjointed and rather rhythmic way.
"…to Ilosgard, to Ilosgard; we're taking the hobbits to Ilosgard!" he chanted. Kaidan stared at him, noticing that the turian seemed to have grown a pair of external and rather strangely pointed ears in addition to a full head of long blonde hair. The others nodded, feet tapping in time to his voice.
"Wait, what? We're taking the hobbits to Ilosgard? What are you talking about?" Kaidan asked, feeling somewhat bemused.
She smiled at him. "Kaidan you're late! We're taking the hobbits to Ilosgard. We must if we're to save humanity. And I've sworn to do so. And I promise that if by my life or death I can protect humanity, I will. You have my word..."
"And you have my sniper rifle!" Garrus exclaimed
"And my shotgun," said Wrex.
"And Alenko's ass," piped in Joker over the comm.
"You're being awfully generous with my ass, Joker, " Kaidan said sourly, flushing as he caught Shepard's eye. It always comes back to my ass.
She grinned back at him cheerfully. "I agree. We definitely don't want anything that looks that good in the firing line!" Turning to the rest of the group she raised her hand, fist clenched, "So…onward to Ilosgard!"
The officer began to clap, sporadically at first and then more rhythmically as Shepard and Garrus chanted, "To Ilosgard, to Ilosgard, we're taking the hobbits to Ilosgard."
"Take us to Ilosgard, Frodo!" Shepard commanded.
Yeah,if he can stop sucking on his toe, Kaidan thought with an involuntary shudder.
"Aye aye Commander," Joker replied.
Shepard sprang to her feet and began to march up and down the room, joined by her officers. Kaidan could have sworn he heard martial music and suddenly the group burst into song.
"To Ilosgard!
Though Ilosgard be ringed and barred with ships of geth,
Those Ilosgard be strong and hard; as cold as stone and full of death!
We go we go we go to war to kill the geth and FIND THE DOOR!"
Kaidan followed the singing and dancing fools from the comm room in utter disbelief. Surely this is a dream…isn't it? Hopefully, I'll wake up from sooner rather than later. He shook himself, hoping somehow to dislodge himself from the dream but it didn't work. If this isn't a dream then the only other explanations are that Joker has somehow managed to convince everyone on board to go along with some crazy prank, or I'm dead, and am now doomed to spend eternity in some bizarre hell. He headed out of the command center. I really need to lie down. I'm getting a headache. As he headed down the stairs towards crew quarter the walls faded from view and he suddenly awoke to find himself lying in a pod. His head still throbbed. As he got up and made his way towards Medbay he made a mental note to refuse all offers of 'a few drinks' with a krogan ever again.