A.N. Thanks to everyone who has read this story. Thank you for all your reviews. I am not sure what i think of this chapter. Please, please let me know.

Thanks to Melanie who has read this story. This one is for you girl.

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Rookie Blue.

Heart to Heart.

"Traci, you don't have to go. I don't have anything to say to this man." Noelle spoke when Traci upped and left her and John in the living room.

"Noelle, I just want to talk." John pleaded with Noelle.

"I have nothing to say to you. There is nothing you have to say that I want to hear." Noelle responded to John's plea. She got up and attempted to walk out of the room. John grabbed hold of Noelle's arm to stop her progress out of the door.

"Let go of me." Noelle snapped. Looking down at John's hand on her left upper arm.

"Noelle, please give me a few minutes to talk to you then you can go, if you want." John begged. He then released his hand from her arm.

"There is nothing you can say that will make this whole situation any better" she said adamantly.

"Please, hear me out. I want to explain what happened all those years ago. Then if you decide you don't want to hear or see me again. I will totally understand." John stated.

"Ok, I really don't want to do this but you do owe me an explanation. Then and only then I will decide, if I want to hear from you again." Noelle gasped in frustration that had been building for years.

"Please sit down" John gestured to the sofa.

Noelle sat down on the sofa and John sat down on the chair next to it. Then Noelle, turned to him and said "Spill it, I don't have all day for you to explain."

John took a deep breath then looked into Noelle's eyes to try and gauge her emotions before continuing. He couldn't gauge to because Noelle had so many years on the job that she could put on a poker face belying the emotions underneath.

"Before I start, telling the tale. I want you to know that I didn't ever want to hurt you but it looks like I have done that and more." John took another breath then continued. "As you know or may not know, as I don't really know what you know. Sorry lets try that again." John was starting to get flustered.

"That night I went away, I was asked to go UC by the staff sgt. They asked me not to tell you as my partner and girlfriend, as it would have put you in even greater danger. I was asked to go into an operation that had the highest risks job on the force. I was asked to go and work for IA on a dirty cop, they believed to have been taking bribes from people tied to drug and people trafficking. To be able to continue their operations without harassment from the police, they also believed that they had ties to European crime families. So it was a high stakes operation. The guy was called Joe Jackson he was a decorated cop with 20 years on the job but things started to get hinky closer to his retirement. His arrest record started to dip and things were feeling off to the white shirts. So they called in I.A. to see if they could get to the bottom of it." John took a sip of his beer.

"They knew that I was a good UC cop but I wasn't as good as Swarek is now. I didn't have a choice, they said I was doing this op and I had to leave straight away. The staff sgt took my phone so I couldn't contact anyone. I left straight after the meeting. They moved me to the 72 where this guy was working. They partnered me up with him to get close to him, to find out what he knew and to see what information I could get out of him. It worked like a charm for I got closer to him and he would occasionally make a slip up and give away too much information. He was taking bribes from 2 rival Russian and Croatian gangs trying to keep them sweet. We managed to shut down the two gangs in 72 area and we busted Joe. It took 9 months or so to do so."

"Why didn't you contact me after your op was over. Why didn't I hear from you again, until you showed up here tonight." Noelle questioned John. Trying to stay in control of her emotions.

"I was on my way back to Toronto and to you, when I received a message. I had to meet my handler. He wanted to see me as something had transpired after the case had end or so I thought. My handler got a call from Headquarters they recieved a call from the RCMP a few days after the debriefing. The RCMP had got a call from our cousins across the border that they had received some chatter that there was a contract on a Metropolitan officers head. They believed that it was the Ivanko the Russians and Jelavić the Croatians were working together to make me pay for shutting down their operations here in Canada. So they moved me for my own protection and the security of my family, friends and loved ones to Sakatoon in Saskatchewan. I was there until the RCMP and headquarters believed that it was safe to return to Toronto. I wasn't allowed to tell anyone where I was but I wanted you to know. That I was safe and still loved you. I returned to Toronto and got a job working for I.A. in headquarters as it wasn't safe for me to work the streets." John sighed then looked at Noelle, who still had her poker face on.

"When I returned, I wanted to get in contact with you but I was too scared to. I thought that you would have got on with your life and found yourself a guy who deserved you. I put you to the back of my mind and moved on with my life. I got married to a woman called Darla. We were married for 5 years but we recently got divorced. I never forgot you Noelle, you got to trust me on that" John exclaimed after he had finished his story.

Noelle just sat there for a couple of moments, trying to digest everything that John had just told her. Trying to come up with the right words to say.

Sam walked back into the house to see what was happening but when he saw them sitting together he turned around and walked away.

"Why didn't you call me when you got back? It would have been good to hear that you were still alive. You could have been dead for all I knew." Noelle said in exasperation.

"Yeah I know you would probably think that. I will hold my hands up" John held his hands up "and say that I was a coward and scared what you might think of me. I never wanted to hurt you. You were the and still are the love of my life"

"Well you did big time. How can I be the love of your life when you put me through that." The anger she was suppressing was evident in her words. "How on earth did you get in touch with Sam and not me?" in a moment of clarity

"Trust me if I knew this would have happened, I would have contacted you some how. My handler watched me like a hawk and any communication I had was done through him and the RCMP. I didn't get in touch with Swarek I bumped into him when he was at headquarters when he was having meetings with the Drug Squad before he went UC on the Hill case. I asked him how you were and he said that you were ok. He wasn't forthcoming with information he was looking out for you. I asked him not to tell you that he had seen me. We exchanged numbers, as I wanted to have a catch up with everyone and to explain too. Time passed by, I lost my nerve again and also I was in the middle of a bitter divorce battle. So I found Sam's number the other day and decided to call him. Now here we are." John sighed that he hand now got it all over with. Now he was just waiting for Noelle to sucker punch him with either words or her deadly fist.

Noelle just sat there unable to speak which was unusual for her as she was always quick with her mouth.

"Aren't you going to say anything? Punch me or do whatever will make you feel better." John offered.

"To be honest I don't know what to say. If I had seen you a few years ago you would have beaten to an inch of your life. Now I just need time to think and process what you have just said. Can you please leave me alone for a while, I will come and find you later." She asked.

John rose from the chair and said "I still really care about you, Noelle. If I could go back in time and change it all I would. I never wanted to see you hurt."

Noelle simply nodded. John left leaving a really confused Noelle sitting on the sofa.

John rejoined everyone in the backyard where the family of 15 finest were having fun.

Dov was back in the pool messing around with Chris, Traci, Gail and Andy. Jerry, Oliver, Mark, Ray and Frank were sitting around listening to Sam play some track by Rush. John walked up and sat down besides Sam. He nodded to everyone else in the group that knew of his connection to Noelle.

Sam continued to play but turned to John and said, "How did it go in there? I guess it went ok as you have come out here alive."

"To be honest I don't know how it went, Noelle just went uncharacteristically quiet for the Noelle I knew. She asked to be left alone to digest what I told her. She said she would come and find me when she was ready to talk." He explained.

"I think that is the best way man, its better not to poke an already pissed off Noelle."Sam suggested.

"Will do."

In the living room, Noelle was sitting staring at the floor trying to get everything together. Why did he have to come back into my life? Why does he still get to me? Why? What am I expected to do with all this new information? He says that he cares for me but why did he have to put me through this hell? I still care about him and that is the scary thing. He still makes my heart race and when he hugged me I felt like I was alive for the first time in years. What should I do? I have no idea. Can I forgive him? What does he want from me? Can we just be friends? On the job and with my fellow officers I am able to speak my mind but when I comes to the matter of my heart. I am clueless. STOP IT NOELLE, YOUR GOING TO GIVE YOURSELF A HEADACHE.

Noelle got up and walked back into the backyard. She surveyed the scene in front of her, seeing the juniors splashing about in the pool and the seniors in conversation and listening to Sam play his guitar. Everyone was have a great time. John looked up and saw Noelle and began to walk towards her.

Noelle spoke first, "John, I still don't know what to say. I think I am going to sleep on it tonight. Can we meet for lunch tomorrow? Sam can give you my number as I am going home now."

"Okay, I will call you tomorrow. Good night Noelle." John said. He was going to have to wait to hear his fate.

Noelle walked up to Sam and Andy who had just got out of the pool. "Sam and Andy, Thanks for a good party. I am going to go now. I will see you back at the barn."

"Thanks for coming, Noelle. Good night to you." Andy said then walked away into the house.

"Noelle, are you ok? You don't have to go. I am sorry for inviting John. How can I help?" Sam offered.

"I am just going to go home, I am tired. Its ok, we would have run into each other eventually. Sammy, its not your fault. I may make you pay later. Good night."

"Night Noelle, call me if you need to chat." Sam said with concern for one of his oldest friends.

Noelle shouted "Goodnight everyone and hope you have a great night." Then walked away to her car before heading home.

It was going to be a long sleepless night.