Words - 505
Rating - PG13
Warnings - I kill sentences, and it's gender-free (both intentional).
#13 – LOVE?
It's emotion, wild, swirling in your gut. It's something you've never experienced before, a great heat that not only burns, but hurts, because you don't understand it and you know it's wrong and it's something you try to ignore, but can't.
It's dreams, confusing, twisting reality. It's waking up gasping, flushing, sweating, hoping that this didn't happen yet again but knowing at the same time that it did, half-memories flitting in and bringing it back, that heat, that urge, and you have to fight it down, fight yourself to negate it and win as a matter of pride if nothing else, it's a battle you lose more often than not.
It's blushes, unexpected, new and embarrassing. It's looking away, teeth gritting and pretending your hardest that you cannot feel it, that this isn't happening and never has and never will, and it's shame filling you up like water in a cup.
It's fear, irrational, overpowering everything. It's looking away quickly and glancing back to see if anyone has noticed, it's biting the tip of your tongue and acting like you're invisible, hoping you are, hoping for once no one has seen you, hoping no one will connect the dots, fearing, dreading, knowing it's only a matter of time.
It's denial, stubborn, refusing reality no matter what. It's pretending like you're made of stone, pretending like you never dream, like your eyes are always trained straight ahead, like you don't care about anything, don't want anything, it's insisting and insisting to the world even though you're the only one who knows or cares anyway.
It's jealousy, burning, the desire to destroy. It's wanting to toss your wand away and revel in the age-old feel of someone else's skin under your fist, someone's nose breaking, someone's smug smile and wandering eyes and closeness and ability to get away with it wiped out, it's hating without any real justification and not caring and just wanting to get violent already.
It's forbidden, taboo, impossible anyway. It's something that you'd be cast out for, not accepted on either side, something that goes against every rule, every tradition of your family, something that absolutely no one in the world would accept, it's something that somehow makes you stop caring about anything you've ever cared about before in favor of your imagined rebellion, that one rule you'd break though it might take away everything.
It's unrelenting, encompassing, shoving all other thought out. It's insidious and invades every area of your life, that cannot and will not be pushed back no matter how you try, it's eating you up from the inside out and you want to let it, to give in, you want it so bad and you're horrified and scared and desperate and confused and just driven mad because it will burn you and burn you and never ever leave you alone, God, if only, you want everything and nothing and to be left alone and to never be alone, and you're confused and this feeling is killing you.
It's…