I just felt like I couldn't leave the boys at the point of which I did. And yeah, I missed their pointless fighting and dysfunctional ways too much to just let it go.

Thank you SO MUCH for your support. Without you this story wouldn't have grown so much. I haven't had time to answer reviews, but my love goes to all of you.

This chapter is mostly pointless arguing.
Review or Boris will haunt your nightmares!

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

- Blue October x Hate Me -

Chapter Two
Despair

The silence was more than just awkward. Rei couldn't help staring even though he tried to divert his eyes to somewhere, anywhereelse. Yet he couldn't take them off that ridiculously handsome, albeit sullen, face. Rei thought it hadn't changed at all. Sure, he was a bit thinner and a leaded tinge covered the skin and there was something… hollow in his eyes but Rei thought he looked no different. His silver hair and his clenched jaw, his crooked nose and angry voice. It was like still having one foot in the past.

So Rei couldn't help but miss him. And that more than anything sickened him. The unbelievable pull at his heart, like a hook had pierced it and someone was trying to rip it out. No wonder his food tasted like ash. Boris glanced quietly at him. This hadn't gone like he planned. Not that he really knew what he had planned but it was certainly not this. Mostly he'd been concentrating on the food so he wouldn't have to stare that feline man in his ridiculously golden eyes.

''What do you want, Boris?''

He cringed at the sound of that voice. Refusing to avert his eyes from the salt shaker, the gruff Russian chewed on.

''Boris.''

''What?''

The Chinese sighed, poking his own food around like he'd done since they got there. He honestly didn't know why he even let himself get dragged into this. All of his common sense had screamed at him that it was all a very bad, and not to mention stupid, idea. But Rei had picked up the bad habit of ignoring his common sense and before he knew it, his legs walked mostly on their own. At least, that was what he liked to think.

''You've been chewing that very same piece of bacon for twenty minutes.''

Boris muttered, but swallowed none the less.

''Your point?'' his voice was sharp and stung viciously, sadly Rei was far too used to it to even feel insulted.

''I only came here because I thought you had one. What do you want, Boris?''

Silence ruled the scene for a fleeting moment during which none of them moved. Rei sat determinately drilling his stare into the other man's head. The Falcon muttered something inaudible before he finally turned around. Having eye contact now, the situation only felt more awkward.

''I…''

And that was as far as he had planned. Boris really had no idea what he was going to say next. He wasn't usually a man of words and now his vocabulary seemed even scarcer than he remembered. It wasn't that he was afraid, more so he was frustrated because the longer he looked into Rei's eyes, the more of a jackass he felt like. He had screwed them up. He had ruined the best thing he'd ever had, the only good thing he had ever had going for him. Yet Rei was sitting there in front of him, a hell of a lot of agony and pain later, he was still there. And Boris hadn't changed. He never would. Some part of the Tiger knew this, and despite that Rei didn't leave.

''I once asked myself if you would die for me.''

Rei didn't look half as puzzled about what the Russian just said as Boris did himself. The Chinese had to absorb the words for a good long while before he could even consider wondering if he had heard right. But the look of confusion in the grey quickly turned into stubbornness. Golden orbs blinked, before Rei sighed.

''I already have. Both figuratively and literally.''

The Falcon ignored the odd, dull feeling in his stomach. He wasn't sure what it was, but he decided it was not important.

''I also wondered'' there was a moment of hesitation where the man battled his own pride ''If I would die for you.''

Rei sat silent a minute or so, looking at a loss for what to feel. Then the oddest thing Boris had ever experienced happened. Rei almost, almost curved his lips into some sort of sad, bitter, yet mirthful smile.

''But Boris, I don't want you to die for me. I want you to live.'' The shadow of a smile suddenly fell as Rei looked out the window. ''Maybe that's too much to ask for.''

No one said anything for another twenty minutes. The food turned as cold as the sinking feeling in their chests, but London carried on without them. Outside the sky had dressed in a darker dress of blue, ghostly shadows dancing at the corners of grey buildings. In a way it was pretty, melancholic, but pretty. Rei really didn't expect himself to miss it, but he had. There was just something about how the cars woke him up in the morning and he found himself in a bed of which the springs poked out in all the wrong places. Something about cleaning grime off a sink that hadn't seen soap in weeks. Scouting through a refrigerator that he always knew would be empty.

And the foreign curses always hanging in the air as he came home and found that for once he was not alone.

''How are you doing now?''

Boris didn't know if Rei had just been trying to be polite, and he was just a second away from a snappy retort. Before he miraculously held his tongue, instead thoughtfully taking in the image of Rei sitting there. Just like time had been rewound.

''I go to the AA.''

Well, it wasn't a complete lie. He went there sometimes. Mostly. Once in every blue moon. Rei's eyes immediately lit with just the smallest spark of hope. Right then and there Boris could have killed him for still, after everything, being so damn kind.

''I could have killed to hear you say that.''

Boris opened his mouth to answer, but closed it just as soon. Rei seemed to see something in his eyes, something that betrayed the stone cold, psychopath exterior. Mischievously the Chinese tilted his head with the air of a strict mother, looking at him.

''What were you going to say just now?''

''Nothing.''

''I know that look.''

''I don't have a look. Kai has looks.''

''No, I've seen it before!''

Boris raised his eyebrows, annoyed he couldn't keep the scorn out of his voice.

''Oh, have you?''

''Yeah, you always used to get it when you were too damn proud to admit something.''

A sudden surge of complete and blind rage raced through him. The hatred reawakened as Boris, completely abhorred at how close to human he had just been, rose violently from his seat. People, along with Rei, gave him surprised looks when he thereafter gripped his jacket and snarled.

''Just fuck off!''

''Boris, where are you..?''

Said man ignored the other's words, grabbing him so fiercely by the collar that all air was cut off.

''Forget it'' came the rotten snarl of the Falcon. ''You don't know shit, Rei. You don't know shit!''

Brusquely he threw Rei back in the chair before wordlessly leaving the restaurant.

X

The phone had been ringing for quite some time, yet no one had moved to answer it. This could be because the owner of the phone, which would be Kai, was not at home. Instead, for some reason his friends were. Kai had realized what a bad idea it was to give Yuriy the spare key, especially since it allowed Ian and Spencer to tag along, but too late. Today they had done such a thing, and as Kai's fridge was getting pillaged, Yuriy had to answer the phone.

''Hiwatari residence, Ivanov speaking.'' He spoke in Russian.

There was a sort of bothered silence on the other end which gave Yuriy the feeling of being unwanted. Irritated at this rudeness he muttered, all the boredom out of his voice.

''Uhm… I assume it is Yuriy on the phone?''

The redhead sighed, changing over to English.

''What do you want, Kon?''

''Is Kai there?''

''If Kai was here, would I answer?''

Rei didn't really know what to answer at that, since all he could think of would probably just irritate the Wolf further, and Rei wasn't exactly in the mood to argue.

''No, he's not here'' Yuriy said with a mutter, sensing something was wrong. ''What do you want?''

''Nothing. I just wanted to talk to him. But if he's busy I guess I…''

''Did the Idiot do something?''

Rei wasn't half as surprised as Yuriy was that he actually engaged in such a conversation. What made it all so awkward was that neither of them knew if Yuriy cared or just looked for something to laugh about. Even though Rei knew Yuriy wasn't even half the sadistic bastard that Boris was, he always knew it was best not to bother the redhead with emotional conversations. But fair enough Yuriy was bored, and since he didn't feel like sticking around the kitchen to watch Ian and Spencer demolish it, he guessed he might as well try to act civilized.

''Look'' he said, the words spit out through his teeth as they were too disgusting to have on his tongue. ''I never liked you and you never liked me – don't argue – but I might as well listen.''

The silence on the other end made the Russian wonder if Rei had just passed out from sheer shock.

''Yuriy, is this a test?''

''No.''

''Is it a game?''

''No.''

More silence, broken only by the Wolf's sighing.

''If you're going to be rude to me I'll hang up.''

''No, don't!''

''Then be grateful I even waste my time on you!'' Yuriy snarled, the irritation could be felt even at Rei's end.

The Tiger made some odd complaining sound, before he, with much reluctance, gave in. It didn't feel like a good idea, but he was buzzing with all kinds of bothersome emotions he didn't want to have. Maybe talking to Yuriy could sort things out, or they could make everything worse. It wasn't like he had much to lose anyway.

''I met him today.''

''Hn?''

''And…'' it was hard, the words stuck like shards of glass in his throat, and even though he could just burst with thoughts it was so hard to form them into real sentences. ''And we had a big fight.''

''How big?''

Yuriy felt stupid just asking that question. But everyone said he needed to be more human and not just lurk around being sly and haughty all day, so why not give it a try? He thought he could hear an explosion in the kitchen anyway.

''The biggest we've ever had.''

''And what's the deal with that?''

''Why am I talking to you?''

''Because you're stupid and whiny. Now the important question is; why am I talking to you?''

''Because you're bored.''

''And you've hit the jackpot!''

''Were you always this annoying or did you decide to be a pain in the ass just recently?''

The Ivanov glared at the phone as if the other could see it, but unfortunately Rei couldn't. Though he was doing the exact same thing in his end of the world.

''I think… I… Shouldn't have come here.''

''Why did you?''

''Because…''

Rei could think of a million reasons to come there, but none of them fit him. In fact he didn't know the answer himself, and neither did Yuriy, or Kai. But still he had hoped that somehow… well, he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure of anything anymore and that really scared him.

''It hurts. Looking at him. Talking to him.''

''You talked?''

''We've talked four times now. None of them has led us anywhere.''

Yuriy sighed and stretched out on the sofa. The dread of the moment was sort of crawling into him and he found that this wasn't nearly as amusing as he had expected. Yuriy even felt a little ripped off. Maybe in a sense, they all were.

''Hnnn...''

Yuriy knew that the pause that followed meant he should hang up and stop listening. He wasn't close to Rei, but he was an analyzing genius. It didn't take Yuriy long to read a person, and in the weakened state Rei had been in the last year the redhead could read him like a book. The Tiger had been choking his emotions, hiding them deep down in his subconscious until they suddenly became too many to contain and occasionally Rei would burst. Yuriy knew that a lot had happened. He had seen it and heard it and he knew, had seen every twitch in the Chinese's face as the emotions multiplied. He was surprised they'd stayed put this long.

''I… I miss him. I miss the stupid son of a bitch and it hurts. Everything hurts and I don't know what to do. I loved him, I know that I've never loved anyone like that. I gave him everything and it makes me furious that even after he betrayed me I still want him to prove that… that I should take him back. I want him in my life again because as much of a tool it makes me, it's so empty without him. I was barely alive when I met him and I'm a wreck now. He was everything that completed me and still he was what made me break. I want him to suffer like the asshole he is and still I want him… I just… want him to look at me like he did. I miss the way he touched me and the way he would just… glare at me and… I miss hearing him insulting everyone and I miss… I miss falling asleep next to him. I… I miss him.''

Yuriy couldn't listen more because his brain threatened to explode. The emotions in Rei's voice were like bombs to his mind and even though he didn't care, even though Yuriy was a being of logic and not of feelings and even though all of this was sort of amusing… it overwhelmed his senses. He didn't want to listen to this drivel. Didn't want to help and he certainly didn't want to hear such things spoken about Boris, the person he had always known as a callous, cold-hearted brute. Yuriy regretted ever picking up the phone.

''What's my name?''

Rei was quiet, surprised and perhaps even a little bit cautious at this out-of-the-blue-question.

''Uh… Yuriy?''

''Ah, so you know!''

More thoughtful silence as Rei suspiciously eyed the phone waiting for it to bite him.

''Yes..?''

''Then why are you treating me like Dr. Phil?!''

''I…''

''Look, I've busted my ass off to get you two to pull your shit together – ''

''I know Yuriy, and I'm thankful for that''

''Hey! I did not do it for you! Despite what you and the blockhead thinks, that fucking zhopa is my friend and we stick up for each other. You just happened to be in the picture.''

Rei was shocked, Yuriy was furious. The sudden burst of emotions from the Wolf, although angry, hadn't quite been what he had expected. Rei's amused little laugh wasn't entirely what Yuriy had expected either.

''Wow.''

''What?''

''Never thought I'd hear you say the F word.''

Yuriy snarled.

''I'm hanging up now.''

Rei laughed again. A laugh that only tickled the irritation that made the Wolf see red. But despite his warning he didn't hang up, he just held the phone to his ear and waited. Waited for Rei to say something, anything at all.

''Look, I didn't believe it first when you said you two were…'' he had to try hard to squeeze out the alien and strange word that belonged in the sentence. ''lovers but I've known Boris longer than you. And do you know what I realized during the time I lived with him?''

''No?''

''Boris is a blockhead.''

Rei sighed. Yuriy ignored him.

''A big, stupid blockhead. He'd probably eat his own shit before ever letting anyone into his own life.''

''Do you have a point, Yuriy?''

''Yes, and my point is that the son of a bitch…'' he swallowed down some bile. ''loves you.''

The Tiger said nothing. He could barely even breathe.

''He l… lo… l… Fuck it, he doesn't hate you and if he could just swallow his damn pride he'd be back in your life faster than you could say 'Falborg'.''

''So…'' Rei took a deep breath, biting his lips as the weight on his heart got heavier. ''What… should I do?''

''Hell if I know. Kill him, fuck him, take him back or do the sane thing and tell him to fuck the hell off.''

Rei didn't answer. Yuriy had expected as much so he continued his tirade without waiting for the other to let it sink in.

''But I know you won't do that. Why? Because you're an idiot. Which is why you two make such a great couple.''

The silence on the other end stayed, but if the Wolf wasn't entirely insane he thought a sniffle broke the air once or twice. His stomach cringed in the annoyance and disgust that flooded him, and with a snarling sigh he continued.

''The right thing to do isn't what I tell you, or even what your brain tells you. To be honest, in this case there isn't a right thing to do. Whatever you do Boris will screw up your life.''

The choked sounds on the other end grew louder now. Rei couldn't answer as his throat dried up into a knot, his chest so rigid he couldn't breathe, even less form a coherent word. Every thought inside of him was twice as jumbled as it had been before he called. Everything continued hurting.

''Kon, are you crying?''

He wasn't, but he was as close as one could get.

''If you're crying I'm hanging up.''

Finally the tears escaped, yet Rei couldn't fully understand what they meant. Sure he was sad but not as much as he was frustrated. Nothing made any sense anymore, if it ever really did. All he wanted was to get the sick feeling that stuck to him to go away. But he didn't know how.

''Rei. Look. You're losing him, do you know that?''

Rei didn't know, didn't want to know. He wouldn't know what to do even if he'd been told sooner.

''I'm not saying he deserves it, but if this is messing you up go see him.''

Rei was crying harder now. He didn't even bother hiding it, even though Yuriy didn't really care. He was more or less bothered by the sulking, wailing Tiger on the phone, wondering what the hell he was even doing with the phone in his hand. He didn't care what happened to them, the sooner they all got their act together the better for him and his headache. But Rei cared, even though he didn't want to he cared. And it was eating him up inside.

''I'll tell Kai to call you when he gets back.''

Since he got no answer, and didn't expect one either, he moved to put the phone back in the cradle. But just before he was about to hang up, he was interrupted.

''Yuriy, wait…''

''What?''

''I…'' he took a deep breath. ''Thank you.''

Yuriy made a grimace even though the Chinese could not see it.

''Whatever. Don't do anything stupid. Bye.''

''Bye.''

When Yuriy hung up, he felt some odd wave of relief wash through him. The two of them didn't know, but Boris' and Rei's relationship was having an effect on everyone. If it was good or bad the redhead didn't know. But the next crash from the kitchen took his mind off it. Smelling something burning, he sped off to save the day.

X

Boris refused to answer the phone that day because he knew who it was. He knew what Yuriy was going to say and he knew it wasn't going to be pretty. Everything anyone could throw at him had already raced through his mind a thousand times and he was getting sick and tired of feeling. Rei always seemed to have this effect on him and the Falcon wasn't entirely sure he liked it. Still, he didn't hate it either which was the reason that he was half past dead on his couch with a bottle of vodka before night had even fallen.

Life didn't make any sense. He had fucked things up like always and now he was paying the prize. So why shouldn't he just suffer in silence and be left the hell alone? Why was everyone on his ass all the time about how he should make amends? Everything was about making amends nowadays. The AA, Kai, Yuriy, hell even that annoying nurse at the hospital had given him meaning looks. But Boris didn't want to listen. He never made amends. Never ever. So why start now?

He didn't need Rei. More than that he didn't deserve him. He was never going to be forgiven – not that he wanted to anyway – so why even bother? Why clean up his ife? Why kick the habit, why stop destroying himself from the inside out when there was no one who would mourn his death anyway? Sure it was disrespectful. He owed Rei his life. But that wasn't his problem. If someone was stupid enough to save him he shouldn't be the one to suffer for it. Boris didn't deserve this crap. He was a master of being alone. He always had been. He didn't need anyone but the bottle. At least then the world wasn't as ugly anymore.

He didn't care. He didn't want to care. It was too late now. He had already missed salvation and angels never saved monsters.