"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I need it the most."
Swedish proverb

Chapter Four
Too Young For Heartache

X

Boris had been having flashbacks all day. They hadn't been particularly nice, which was one reason he was in such a bad mood. At first he though he was dreaming, lying on the bed drifting in and out of an imaginary world. And probably he had been, in the beginning it must have started with a nightmare that he knew wasn't real but still he couldn't wake up from. He'd been lying in his own sweat, entangled with sheets that seemed to want to strangle him.

But with your heart in your throat you don't need help to choke yourself. And Boris' heart was nearly trying to crawl out of his body. It was a new experience, an odd one that he wasn't quite sure how to handle. It reminded him for the first time in years of the dreams he had as a child. They were the only nightmares he'd ever had and at the abbey they seemed like they were going to be the death of him one day.

But as Boris killed his emotions, strangled them like puppies in a plastic bag, the dreams slowly disappeared. And after that he hadn't had any dreams at all, at least not that he remembered. But these last few months, ever since he ruined his own life they'd come back, and they were even worse than he remembered them. All of them were lucid dreams, in which he knew he was dreaming but he couldn't do anything to escape it. So even though they weren't real, the horrors in his dreams were enough to make his heart skip a beat.

It was the first time Boris had been near anything remotely like fear, and he hated it. It was like every dream just made him that much more pathetic, and for every day that passed his life simply got worse. Boris had lost control of everything and it was starting to turn him insane. Slowly, like a poison which he injected in his own jugular vein. And when he had finally jolted himself awake this morning, it didn't stop.

The images from the dream turned living before his open eyes. Pictures of bygone days, back like vicious ghosts in a snide attempt to mock him. They'd go dancing around his room, performing bizarre, frolicsome antics, chanting songs of how much of a fucked up loser he was, and how much he had lost. He tried to hurt them a few times, but his fist went right through them. And instead the images just got wilder, and when they suddenly disappeared and he thought the hallucinations were gone, they reappeared inside his head.

But now they weren't simply ghosts from his mind, now they were real memories, real flashbacks. He remembered hands that caressed his skin, remembered kisses on his lips and eyes warm as the sun, golden and so vivid he couldn't breathe for a moment. He remembered stargazing, he remembered someone else's tears and a lot of fighting. He remembered a lot of blood. Days of the past that he wanted to forget, yet knew that they were the only thing that kept him alive. The thing he remembered more clearly than anything else, was words whispered in his ears, as if secret even to him.

Wo ai ni. Boris had no idea what they meant. Had no idea what language it was at first, until he remembered whose voice had uttered it. Rei's words that had been whispered to him such a long time ago, the meaning of them must have been greatly important to the Chinese as Boris could not understand them. And now, several months of heartache later, he wanted to find out what. He wanted to find out if anything would have been different, if only he had known their meaning.

Shooing the memories away, he quickly ran a hand down his body to see if it was clothed. Indeed it was, however properly was another question. A question he didn't care about enough to check, so instead he swaggered through the apartment, fighting through a headache that felt like tons weighing him down. His steps were slow but determined, even though he did not know where to go. But soon enough he found the lights in the staircase corridor outside his door stab him ruthlessly in the eyes.

He blinked to get his sight back, the numbness in his skin and the foul taste in his mouth clinging to him like a wet blanket. Boris blinked a few times and took a deep breath to calm his body, not sure if he was drunk or just hung over. It didn't seem like there was much difference nowadays, often he was both at the same time. He muttered a few Russian curses, not having been outside his own apartment in days the place felt like another continent.

And in the middle of his musings and mutterings, the door right across his own opened to reveal his neighbor. She was a small, frail little lady clearly way beyond her best years, looking at him with small, pin-like eyes. Her wrinkled face contorted in a grimace of something between pity and disgust, and Boris would have barked at her if he didn't feel half past dead. Instead he simply managed a half-decent glare, which was enough to make the old woman back a step.

''My, my'' she said, eyeing him with a scrutinizing, judging look. ''You look worse for wear, young man''

Boris just growled at her, instantly regretting this impulse to flee. He wasn't even sure there was a place to go to, but in a sense anything was better than the apartment. A place that held too many memories to taunt him. And no matter how furiously stubborn he was, Boris couldn't stand his own mental torture anymore.

''Phone'' he barked, his voice exhausted and almost foreign to him, as he hadn't used it since Rei visited two weeks ago. ''Phone. Now.''

The old lady cocked and eyebrow at him, tilting her head as if he was some sort if idiot.

''My phone? What about my phone?''

Her annoying British accent just made the blood inside him boil, like the most poisonous of tar through his dying veins.

''I need it.''

''Have you no phone of your own, young man? When was the last time you showered, anyway?''

He slammed his own door shut behind him with a bang that echoed around the walls. With a glare as burning as every level of hell combined he pierced her, swaggering closer to her like some warrior beast that had been wounded in battle, yet still tried to slit throats.

''I broke my phone. Now borrow me yours or you'll get to eat through a straw''

His voice was leveled, yet she could detect the vast, endless fury contained within it, knowing he would have killed her by now if he hadn't been so close to collapsing. The old lady shook her head with a small sigh, before determinedly ushering him inside. He gave her a look of vague confusion, to which she only smiled.

''Get along inside then, dear. And while you're at it I'll fix you something good to eat.''

Boris gave her a look of uttermost suspicion, before deciding he didn't give a flying fuck anyway. So he stepped inside her apartment, which greeted him with the odd smell of cocoa and cats. The latter of which sent another wave of memories through his mind like a train out of control. He clenched his jaw and fists, trying to block the images of catlike golden eyes and that damned purr he had gotten so used to.

The old woman soon appeared at his side, leading him into the kitchen where he slumped down on a chair. Before he had the time to react she had placed her phone in front of him, instantly getting to work with the promised meal. Boris didn't have the energy to tell her to fuck off, or that he didn't want her stupid fucking food, or that she could shove her hospitality up her ass. So he stayed silent, while slowly, begrudgingly dialing the number.

''Hiwatari''

''Rei's number.''

''Boris?''

''Rei's number.''

He could feel the old woman glancing at him, and it was getting harder to ignore. But glaring at her and uttering complete sentences to Kai at the same time might send him into a coma, he thought, so instead he tried to ignore her. Kai seemed a little suspicious on the other end, but then again he always did so Boris didn't care too much about that either. He sensed Kai was going to say something, something he sure as hell was not interested to hear.

''Fuck it Kai, give me Rei's number!''

''What are you going to do?''

''Stop being so over protective you stubborn piece of – ''

''With you around one can never be over protective enough. What do you want with him?''

Boris almost choked on his own tongue for a second, but regained his aggressiveness quick enough to make it seem like he hadn't been affected at all. Even though in truth he hated himself, and he hated Kai and Rei and everyone he could think of. He hated Kai for being right, and Rei for making him care, but mostly he hated himself because he was the main villain in the drama anyway. But he wasn't going to admit that, ever.

''I need… to… explain. I need to... talk.'' He panted heavily between each word.

There was silence on the other end, a silence that lasted much too long for Boris' liking.

''For fuck's sake, Kai! I need his fucking number!''

''Alright, damn it Boris, calm down. I'll give it to you, but on one condition.''

''What?''

''If he calls me crying again, I'm going to kill you.''

Boris said nothing, taking in the words and all their hidden meanings. He knew Kai was serious, he could hear it in his voice. Which must have meant Rei had been hurt badly, like he always was around him. And this realization almost made Boris reconsider calling. Almost.

''Sure.''

The old woman watched him as he snatched a pen from the table, scribbling a number down on his pale hand. All the while she was stirring a soup, mostly consisting of broth since she could tell just by looking at him that he wouldn't be able to stomach anything else. The tea-kettle on the stove started shrieking by the time Boris had dialed Rei's number, and for a moment there was complete silence in the room.

Boris listened to the dial tone go through, like some endless knell in the distance. His heart beat a little faster than usual, and somehow it lightly cleared his head. And then, finally and yet much too quickly, the phone went through and a very familiar, yet very dull voice answered.

''Kon Rei speaking''

X

Rei's fingers trembled, like they seemed to have done for months. He was afraid, like a hunted animal supposed to be lead to the slaughter. A crouching tiger that was facing execution on one side of the river, and capturing on the other, standing on the smallest, most slippery rock in the water he could find. His heart was frantic, as if it was going to explode and for the moment he couldn't blame it. He wanted to explode as well, if he only could. Just to escape the anxiety, the dread lodging in his throat, making the air he breathed feel like poison.

And then, just when he was about to panic, lash out and hurt someone, or more probably himself, the cellphone in his pocket rung. Vibrating fervently, demanding that he answered. Rei reached into his pocket and pulled it out in the open, wondering who on earth chose this exact moment to call. There weren't that many people who had his number; his employer, the hospital, Kai and once in a distant past he remembered giving it to Mariah. But that was such a long time ago he doubted she remembered it.

When the display showed him a foreign number he couldn't recognize, his mind clouded with confusion for a brief moment. For a second he thought about just ignoring it, but the shrill, tearing panic inside of him refused to leave him alone. As a source of distraction he pushed the green button and decided that whoever was on the other end, it was a lot better than this.

''Kon Rei speaking'' he pressed through, dull and mechanically as if simply borrowing someone else's voice.

There was silence on the other end, but it didn't last for long before a tired voice spoke.

''Rei, it's me''

Rei's breath hitched, his entire body giving in to a violent tremor that shook his very marrow. He took a deep breath, running a hand through his sweaty hair as he closed his eyes in surrender. It wasn't like the day could get any worse, so Boris calling him to add to the ache wasn't that surprising. After all, karma was known to be a bitch.

''Boris… I… It's a bad time right now.''

''Look, I know you don't want to talk to me after last time but – ''

''Boris, I can't, not now, it's a really bad time''

''For fucking… Just five damn minutes! Is that so hard?!''

Rei whimpered. Out of fear of them or him, he had no idea. But he couldn't take it much longer.

''Boris, I can't''

''You owe it to us, Rei! I know I'm a big asshole and all that shit, but it's important, so fucking listen to me!''

''I'll… I'll speak to you later''

''No you won't! I don't have a fucking phone! I had to borrow my fucking neighbor's!''

''I'm sorry, Boris''

''I don't care! Sorry doesn't mean shit''

''I'm…''

''Just what does it mean, Rei? That thing you said, wo ai ni. What did it mean?''

''Can't we do this another time? I really have to go now. I'll talk to you later.''

''Don't fucking hang up on me!''

''It's just a really bad time right now, okay?''

They were getting closer, he could hear their footsteps. A wild, ruthless herd of carnivores, out to feast on his flesh and tears. Ripping open old wounds that never got the chance to heal, pouring salt in them in the process. He knew he had to get away, now while his legs still carried him and he still had the chance.

''No, it's not fucking okay! Don't you – ''

''Gotta' go, Boris''

''Re –''

Rei didn't hear the last of the sentence, and whatever Boris wanted to say it would fall into silence as he put the phone away and ran.

X

Boris slammed the phone down into its cradle, roaring the loudest he could manage as he did. His head was close to exploding, his body nearly giving up but he didn't care. The fury alone was enough to keep him awake, and right now he was out of his mind with it. He clawed his hands into his scalp, breathing ragged and heavily, almost searing with the anger. The old woman walked up to the table, placing a bowl of broth and a cup of cinnamon tea in front of him. Boris couldn't even stand to look at it.

The woman made a slight surprised sound as he threw it all off the table. As the porcelain fell to the floor and shattered in pieces, Boris glared at her with a look that was meant to kill an army. She looked at him, annoyed yet understanding at the same time. But she couldn't understand. Not fully. No one could with him, his life was such a fucking mess of wrong turns and dead ends he didn't even understand half of it himself. And right then he hated everyone for it.

''I don't want your fucking charity!''

She was just about to make a remark about his course language, but stopped herself in the last second and instead just shook her head. As she bent down to clean up the mess he had made, he said nothing, but neither did he move. By the time she was done, Boris had calmed down enough not to rip out the throat of the next person to look at him. Instead he sat glaring a hole through the wall, too caught up in his own personal hell to really care about moving.

''Care to tell me what that was all about?''

Boris just glared at her, but the woman was not discouraged. Instead she sat down by the table, right across of him, looking at him with wise eyes.

''That sounded like a fight you can only have with a person you share a lot of history with'' she said, and Boris wanted nothing but to kill her.

But he could barely even walk, let alone hurt someone. And now his effort of actually making things better seemed to only have made it all worse. He was at the very start of the labyrinth again, and this time he didn't know if there was even a point of entering.

''What was that thing you said?'' the woman asked, looking thoughtfully at him. ''Wo ai ni?''

Boris' eyes cleared, his interest now awakened again as their eyes locked for long, silent minutes.

''It's mandarin. And for that Rei-person to say it to you, why there must be a lot more to this fight than you let on.''

Boris kept glaring, kept saying nothing. He had no idea how he ended up in this apartment from the beginning, had no idea why he even felt the drive to understand those words. But it felt like they were the missing piece to one large puzzle, and that if maybe he found out what they meant, things would get clearer.

''You see my son is married to a Chinese woman'' she said, and for a moment she smiled. ''It means 'I love you'''

Boris' heart stopped. His brain stopped. His blood turned ice-cold and everything around him silenced. It was like someone had just ripped him open and turned him inside out, mentally kicked him in the groin. The words of the woman spun around inside his head, getting louder and louder for each time they were repeated. He blinked at her, bewildered and perplexed.

''What?'' he growled, daring her to lie.

''You heard me.''

X

Rei locked his door as soon as he got into his apartment. As soon as he could he pulled down all the blinders, turning out all the lights while hiding in his bedroom. Things had really gone out of control now. God, what did he do wrong? All he did was get on his way to work, before suddenly reporters were surrounding him, with flashing lights to blind him and thousands of questions that made the world spin faster. He was just on his way to work! How did they even know where he was? He'd been in London for ages and yet no one had bothered or even recognized him.

And now they were all there. Magazines, reporters, journalists, tv-channels. The whole package, asking him about his life. Was it true that he had participated in a romantic relationship with fellow Beyblader Boris Kuznetsov? Was it true that he was homosexual? Was it true that Boris Kuznetsov was receiving treatment for alcoholism? Was it true that his father, recently deceased, had been abusive as a parent and husband? Was it true that his fucking life was going straight to hell and he had no idea what to do about it?

Rei wanted to sink through the earth. It was all out there now. The Gods only knew how the fuck it all happened but it had. Out in the open for everyone to see. It didn't matter that his answers to the questions had been to run, run as fast as he could until he was certain no one was following him anymore. It didn't matter, because the whole world would soon learn of it anyway. Whatever fabricated truth the news agencies made up, it would soon be for the entire world to know.

Rei didn't want to answer the phone. Didn't want to turn on the TV. Didn't want to listen to the radio or even look out his own window. Because he was afraid that he would see the world.

But most of all, he was afraid it would look back.

X

Kai looked worriedly at Yuriy. The redhead seemed to know something, something undeniably bad because otherwise the Wolf wouldn't have been standing in his living room in the middle of the night. Something was wrong and Kai could feel it in his guts. It wasn't just because of Boris' phone call the previous day, or that Rei didn't answer when Kai had called. It wasn't that sinking feeling that had hung over him when he went to bed or the odd sensation when he woke up. The look on Yuriy's face told him that whatever it was, Kai was right.

And when Yuriy turned on the TV, Kai's suspicions were confirmed. His eyes attached to the plastic looking woman on the news, talking monotonously, yet her eyes contained excitement that only a hunter that caught its prey could hold. It was the same, on whatever news channel they switched to, the reporters said the same. Even on the channels that spoke languages they did not understand, the picture of Rei in the corner told them everything they needed to know. Things had really turned to shit now.

''The speculations, after receiving an anonymous tip three days ago, have been confirmed.''

''Rei Kon and Boris Kuznetsov are thought to have had a romantic, and sexual, relationship.''

''News are shocking the Beyblading world about two of its most famous blader's sexuality. Parents all around the world are shocked, turning in complaints about abomination being taught to their children…''

''Local associations for Gay's rights in society claims that this is a revolution in sports, and perhaps finally other athletes can step out of the closet…''

''Alcoholics Anonymous refuse to speak to us regarding this matter.''

''I think it's insane how a sportsman, in Beyblade none the less, could be allowed to compete if he was indeed alcoholic. What example does this set to our children? That drugs are cool?''

''No, as a mother I don't feel my children are in danger. Some of my best friends are gay. And I have a relative that's alcoholic. I feel nothing but sympathy towards these young men.''

''Reports about child abuse have…''

And it just went on and on and on. It never seemed to stop. Like some big, macabre, bizarre merry-go-round painted with blood and regret. Everything had changed now. The world knew, the world had seen. It didn't matter what they thought, but the fact that they knew the darkest secrets of his best friends.

Mad? That was a drop in the ocean compared to what the two Russians felt. They were out of their minds with rage. No one did this to their friends. No one could be so disrespectful, so sadistic, so plain evil and get away with it. No, the Russians weren't mad. They were ruthlessly, blazingly fucking mad. So Yuriy spared no time throwing himself over the phone, barking orders to whoever was on the other side.

''Yes, hello? I'd like two tickets to London. Tonight.''

X

Boris had been trying to call Rei countless of times. He'd been standing at the pay-phone down the corner of the street for two hours. Sipping out a bottle while spending his last change on a call no one would answer. The night was looming around him, cold and dark and foreboding. It was almost like something really bad was just waiting around the corner to swallow him whole. Boris didn't know quite what it was but he had a feeling.

But since Rei refused to answer, he finally gave up. Throwing the now empty bottle at the ground, he instead decided to pay a personal visit. If only he could find out the right way, what with all the streets looking exactly the same and all. It didn't help that he couldn't walk properly. Boris thought that from all the nights he had spent wobbling, she should be getting better at it, but apparently the rest of the world didn't think so as he tipped over a mailbox here and there and tripped over a stray person once in every street.

He didn't know what time it was, but it was way past bedtime for normal people. It didn't matter anyway, if Rei was asleep he would just have to wake him up. And when finally, after another hour of loitering about, Boris had found his way to the apartment building where Rei lived. Now, it was quite a while since Rei told him exactly where it was, he thought it had been on one of their first encounters since the Tiger had returned. But still it was as if burned into his brain, and now when he looked at it, he was sure it was the right place.

So he climbed the stairs and knocked on a few doors, bellowing like mad until he finally tripped over the last few steps of the stairs, falling headfirst into a thin wooden door. He cursed loudly and quite colorfully, kicking at the stupid door in revenge for hurting him. After he had silenced, which took a few minutes, he could hear the door behind him open and out came a grumpy head that seemed to belong to a man.

''Shut your trap will you! It's three in the bloody morning!''

When Boris had kicked the man in the face, he wasn't bothered any more and so could keep on shouting like mad. He had to kick, what he believed to be Rei's door for a few minutes, and roar a little more, before finally the lock made that weird clicky little noise and the door opened. And right as rain, there he was. The Chinese Blader in person. Boris almost didn't have time to feel proud before he had barged into the apartment without further warning.

Rei barely managed to close the door behind him as he was still quite surprised to see Boris there at all. When the chock had submerged though, he was not looking as happy as Boris had expected him to.

''Whassa' matta' with you, kitty? Ain'tcha happee ta' see me?''

Rei's sighed, shaking his head as if he had been through all this before, like he was stupid to even expect anything else and yet he looked oddly relieved. Which simply just confused Boris further and the man wasn't entirely sure he liked his greeting.

''C'mere! We need t'talk!''

Boris stretched our his arm to grab Rei tightly by the shoulder, drawing a hiss of pain from the man as he pushed the Chinese into the living room. Once Rei had been thrown onto the couch, Boris sat down next to him, glaring in an observing, and not to mention unnerving, way. Finally Rei glared at him, sadly yet annoyed at the same time.

''You just can't take a no, can you?'' he said, but his voice was too tired for Boris to take him seriously.

''I tol' ya' not ta' hang up on me!''

''God damn it, Boris. You're drunk.''

''I know!''

''Really? Do you know how stinking pissed you are right now?''

Rei raised an incredulous eyebrow at him, but Boris simply waved his question away.

''So I had a couple'a drinks, so wha'?''

''A couple of bottles, more likely.''

''Okay, so I had two. What's it ta' you?''

Rei buried his face in his hands, too exhausted to deal with this. His life was falling apart, more so than it already was. And now his silly ex-whatever was sitting on his couch, drunk out of his wits and waking the whole house. He couldn't deal with it, he couldn't stand the pain and the worry and the anger and all the shit that came along with it. Rei wanted to be alone, he wanted to disappear, he wanted to be taken care of for once. Instead there sat an overgrown, psycho-maniacal baby next to him, demanding to be paid attention to.

''You're having a fucking relapse and I'm having a fucking collapse'' he groaned ''I can't deal with this, Boris. Not now.''

Boris blinked at him, not entirely sure he got the point.

''Whaddy'a mean?''

Golden eyes turned to him in heartbroken disbelief, and for a moment Rei actually thought Boris was joking. But Boris was looking as honestly puzzled as he could, and in a way Rei thought it made things easier. Boris wasn't there to mock him, or taunt him, or ridicule him because of the mass hysteria in the media. He wasn't going to laugh at him in sadistic glee because Rei had been exploited and hurt. For a small moment, that was the greatest news Rei had gotten in days.

''Why are you here, Boris?''

''Why? Can't I visit? I've not seen yer' new place. It looks… messy.''

Rei chuckled, sadly and sardonically, but still. His house really did look like a bomb had just been dropped on it, since he never had the emotional strength to do anything about it. It was a chaotic mess that could put Dresden to shame.

''Yeah.''

''Hey'' Boris said, as if he just thought of something big. ''If ya' clean ev'ry time ya' get anxious… how come yer' house looks like shit?''

''I don't know really. Guess I only enjoyed cleaning yours.''

And for a moment they just looked at each other in some mutual, contemplating silence. As if they were connecting, finally for the first time in a very long time understanding each other. Rei didn't want to hope too much though, as he already had gotten let down enough for one day. And Boris said nothing of it, as he was drunk and probably only imagined it all anyway.

''We should talk.'' Boris said after a few moments, none of them turning their gaze away.

''What is there left to say?''

The Russian shrugged.

''I dunno. 'M drunk.''

Rei chuckled again, but in the middle of it his restraints finally broke and instead of a mirthful sound came sobs. Harsh and violent as the tears were pouring acid out of his eyes. His whole body shook as he tried to wipe the tears away, but they wouldn't stop no matter how much he wished them to. Boris said nothing, simply looked at him and wondered if it had always been like this. If there had been a time when Rei didn't cry, and when Boris wasn't too drunk to understand why he wasn't laughing. But the truth was, he hadn't found Rei's tears funny in a long time. And whatever the explanation was for that, he didn't really care as much now.

It was all drops in the oceans compared to all their others problems anyway.

''I really messed up'' Rei cried, hiding his face in his lap, as if to hide from everyone. ''I really did it this time''

''What'd ya' do?''

''I think.. I think I just tipped the boat over and a lot of water is pouring in and this time… this time I don't know if I can keep my head above the surface''

Rei cried louder and harder, choking on his own breath once every few minutes. Boris still said nothing, and when a few minutes had gone and Rei was finally quiet, even though he was still shaking with tears, there was only one thing left for Boris to say.

''Can I sleep here t'night? I think I lost 'm keyes.''

And all Rei could do was look at him and nod.