I know many of the things Rei says are in Mandarin, when logically he should speak some native accent typical for his village, or at the very least Cantonese. I know this, but I choose the Mandarin words and terms for the sheer simplicity of it.

IMPORTANT NOTE; My sincerest apologies for the lack of updates. I know I've been lame on that part, not held my promises and things like that. I can't tell you when I'll update, but I can tell you I won't leave any story unfinished. It's just I have a lot of crap going on right now that I have to take care of. It's not going to be like Something To Believe In, but if you're patient, there'll be something to show for it later. Until then, thank you for your support so far. It means a lot to me.

''The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.''

- Emil Ludwig

Chapter Five
Winding Roads

X

There was something in the way his chest was rising and falling. Like it didn't really want to, like it gave up a long time ago. He had no idea what all the machines were for, all he knew was that they made a lot of noise. A lot of noise that he would never forget. Noise that would disturb him, echo in his head during every waken moment and every dream of his life. He would never forget the image that was displayed before him.

People say that time heals everything, that it gets easier, that sooner or later you get over it. He thought people said a lot of things, a lot of it which was stupid. There was no way that he would ever get over this. He would never forget it, least of all forgive. And that aching, churning stab, the tightening of his chest and the crawling feeling that he was about to die, mentally until he even decayed physically. It would never go away.

And no matter how much time elapsed, even if it did heal all wounds, it could never wash off the scars. It could never make the sight before him easier to handle, because if truth be told he didn't think it was supposed to. Some things in life weren't made to be handled, they were meant to induce pain and lots of it.

The gray skin reminding him of fresh ash, sunken eyes hollow and dark. Chapped lips that refused to move, along with a thin ribcage fighting for every unwanted breath it could get. He wouldn't forget the tubes and the cords and the noise, he'd never forget how lifeless the man looked. He'd never forget the panic of watching someone die, praying to every deity that he'd live. Praying that he'd die and ease the suffering.

Rei was tired of pain. He was tired of sitting by that bed, watching someone he loved fade away. He was tired of staring through the window, trying to breathe himself, feeling as if he was the one who was strapped down to that bed. He was tired of being vulnerable, tired of being sad. Rei didn't have any tears to cry anymore, and that fact alone saddened him. He was tired of holding Boris' hand and not feeling its warmth. He was tired of waiting by the side of someone who wouldn't even thank him.

''Mr. Kon'' the doctor's voice was dull and distant, he couldn't for the life of it register his words. He didn't want to listen, but more so the man's promises had just become empty words by now. They didn't mean a thing. ''Mr. Kon, I have something to tell you.''

Rei didn't react. They always had something to tell him. Sometimes it felt as though the hospital was practically his home, since he spent so much of his life there. The doctor, as expected, took his silence as a 'yes', or perhaps didn't notice it at all, as he stepped closer.

''I'm afraid the liver is too damaged for his body to function.''

Rei blinked, but otherwise didn't move. Just kept his gaze locked on the window, small rays of sunshine poking through. Warmth on his face, like gold dancing across skin that long ago lost its colour.

''I'm afraid it's failing. I believe he has two days at max.''

Silence was all he could hear. Broken only by their breathing and the frantic noise of the machines. Somewhere outside the window he knew a bird had to be flying. People had to walk by, wondering about their own ordeals. Cars driving to unknown destinations, clouds drifting, an entire world screaming in silence.

''I see'' Rei said, looking down at the hand he was clasping in his. ''When will he wake up?''

''Mr. Kon…'' the doctor frowned, clearly a bothered sigh in his voice. ''As I said, I don't…''

''Yesterday you said it'd be soon, and the day before that you said it would be even sooner.'' Rei finally turned his head to point his dead, empty stare at the man in the coat. ''I think you've been lying to me all this time, doctor. So why would I believe you now?''

The frown in his clean face deepened as the doctor took yet another step closer, irritated, confused, almost disturbed at the situation. Rei just looked at him, his eyes speaking nothing, his face unmoving, his voice so calm and so quiet it was almost like he wasn't there.

''Mr. Kon, are you listening to me? He's not going to wake up.''

Rei just tilted his head.

''I don't believe you.''

''Mr. Kon, he's got two days, maybe not even one!'' the doctor flailed his arms in exasperation, suddenly scared by the other's words. ''He's not going to wake up!''

''You're lying.''

''I'm not lying! For God's sake he's going to die!''

Rei looked at him, straightening his head as they both said nothing. The machines went on with their business, as did the world around them. No one stopping to think or even consider what was going on. But even if they did they would be left unsatisfied, for nothing was going on at all. Rei could honestly say he was not surprised. He didn't even feel the pain anymore. Even though he knew, had known all along that the man on the bed was dying, he himself was already dead.

''I don't believe you. Leave the room, doctor. I want to be alone with him when he wakes.''

Rei bolted from the dream as if on fire. Panic in his chest thumping at a dangerous speed. The sweat was plastered against his skin, cold and damp and uncomfortable. His breathing desperate, like he was drowning, and it took a good long while for him to realize where he was. The dark emptiness of his bedroom was screaming at him, and as he drew a hand through his hair Rei knew he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.

Honestly he didn't think he even wanted to sleep. Glancing at the watch on the bedside table, the knowledge of what ungodly hour it was only helped to prove this. Sighing, it didn't take long before he was on his feet. The cold floor plastered against bare soles, a tired, worn man striding through the apartment.

Rei felt a thousand years old. His mirror reflection even looked the part, with his sallow skin and thousand-yard-stare. It was like staring into the face of a stranger. Unnerving, frightening. He groaned in irritation, wondering what he was supposed to do to get the night to move faster.

At first he watered the plants. Then he went to pee, after which he made a watery cup of tea that led to the bathroom to pee once more. He tried to clean a little, but his heart wasn't really into it so he quickly gave up. He wandered off to the balcony to do a little stargazing, realized he didn't see much of those balls of gas anyway and quickly headed inside. After he had sorted out his wardrobe into five different categories, tried to sleep once more and failing, Rei found himself in a situation of déjà vú.

There he was, sitting on the couch table, staring at a sleeping Russian who had buried himself in the couch. A small, pitiful pillow under his snoring head, as well as a thin blanket covering only his feet. Rei remembered the first time he slept in Boris' apartment, and how unnerving it had been to wake up and find the man staring at him. He wondered if Boris would react the same way.

As a grey eye opened, and something nasty in Russian hit him, Rei noticed he was about to find out. As he half expected, the man had bolted upright, yelled at him before turning his back on him, trying to return to sleep while at the same time telling Rei what a perverted moron he was. Rei just stared at him, sighing a little now and then as he waited for the back to turn around. Boris just lay in some sort of stubborn, childish silence, refusing to acknowledge the Chinese in the slightest.

''What's it like?'' Rei ignored his brave attempts, knowing the Russian couldn't stay quiet forever.

And right he was, as the man turned around to glare at him.

''What the hell are you talking about? What time is it?''

''The coma. What was it like?''

Boris frowned.

''You woke me up to ask me about my coma?''

Rei nodded.

''I couldn't sleep.''

''So therefore I can't sleep?''

''Sort of.''

Boris sighed angrily, pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried not to go on a killing spree. The alcohol was still thumping inside his skull, trying to crack it in every way possible, and Boris bet he was still a little bit drunk. To top it all of, he was just awakened from a dream that hadn't been all that bad. Actually it had involved pudding and pillow cases.

And now Rei had to go ruin it all.

''I don't know, like sleep I guess. A sleep which I am denied right now.''

As the rancor inside him stirred, the grey eyes glared quite so viciously at Rei. Rei just sighed as he guessed the man had a point.

''Did you know what was going on around you?''

''For fuck's sake, Rei'' Boris growled and slithered down under the blanket, hoping that if he couldn't see the Chinese eventually he'd go away. ''It was a jolly, golly good time. Why do you want to know?''

Rei shrugged.

''You're the one who thought we needed to talk.''

''About us.''

''This is about us. Well, about you, but still…''

''No'' Boris sat up to get into a better glaring position. ''This is about tormenting me.''

Golden eyes fixed themselves on him, invulnerable to his late night sarcasm and spite. Boris wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing, but it was enough to make him give Rei a sort of questioning stare. Rei sighed, leaning his chin against his hand.

''Okay. Speak.''

''Can't we do this when I'm not tired and half-drunk?''

Rei sighed, and Boris could not miss the tone of frustration in the sound.

''Fine.''

''Rei'' the Russian sighed. ''Don't be girly about this!''

''I'm not being girly!''

''Yes, you are! Come back here!''

''Sweet dreams''

The tone in the Chinese's voice was not only a proof of how insincere those last words had been, and of how angry the man now was, but also a great way to make Boris turn irritated himself.

''Fine!'' he snarled, while laying down under the blanket again. ''I don't need to talk to him.''

As Rei was busy muttering away in his room, Boris himself lay convincing himself of how pointless and stupid this whole idea of visiting had been. But since his keys were gone, he didn't have any other place to go. The only good thing about it was that muttering was a great way to fall asleep.

X

She really didn't see what she did to deserve such a crude awakening. Honestly, she'd been a good girl all month. She hadn't hassled her brother, or broken anything in a fit of PMS-induced, womanly rage. Also she thought she'd lost a little weight from all the cleaning, so no matter how she twisted and turned it, there was no way she could see the reason of this torture.

Even the morning had started out innocently. She'd woken up at a reasonable time, brushed her teeth – because hygiene was indeed a virtue if one were to find a man – and after making a nice non-fat breakfast and a good old cup of green tea, she thought she could just relax until it was time to go to work.

Okay, so maybe she turned on the TV instead of reading the newspaper. But that thing wasn't any fun at all, and she thought she deserved some fun in the mornings. But it seemed that the TV had been a big mistake. As she had turned on the news channel, in a way to make up for being so unsophisticated and rejecting Ming Pao Daily News, she had found that maybe Channel 9 was not such a good idea.

There was some bored old man in a suit, reading from a bunch of papers clasped in his spotted hands, looking through the camera as if wishing he were somewhere else. At first she hadn't really paid attention, after all it was only a half-hearted attempt to lead a new and better life. But suddenly her eyes had magically been drawn towards the picture in the right upper corner. At first she had just let her eyes sweep over it in a quick glance, but as she was determined to return to her tea, her eyes snapped back to the screen again. And there her gaze was held, completely unable to turn away from the painfully familiar face looking back at her.

First she had been happy. Why wouldn't she when a dear, old, lost friend appeared on the news? But then she started to actually listen to whatever the newsreader said, and that was by far the greatest mistake of her entire morning. What first occurred to her was the headline. Big, bold, yellow letters screaming at her. And all courage and hope inside of her quickly crumbled as the words coming from the man in the box actually registered in her mind.

X

Boris' intended to sleep all day. To just lie there in the fairly new, and fairly comfortable couch and snore all his problems away. But this little plan of his had been crushed the moment that a cell phone rang. He hadn't even noticed it where it lay on the couch table, actually right by his head, but it's shrill, vicious ring was undeniable and true. It echoed from wall to wall, hitting him twice as hard in the head every time.

''Rei! Phone!'' was the most coherent yell he could muster at the moment, but as no one answered him he had to gather all the strength he had to yell some more. ''For fuck's sake, Rei! The god damn phone!''

Once again silence greeted him, and as Boris slowly realized that the ringing wasn't going to stop – someone must have been quite eager to get a hold of Rei – and that Rei was not going to answer neither him nor the phone, he had to take matters into his own hands. Boris muttered, climbing up high enough to rip the phone from the table and roar into it.

''What the hell do you want?!''

''Uh…'' the person on the other end hesitated, long enough for Boris to realize it was a girl, which illogically enough got him quite suspicious. ''Is Rei Kon there?''

''Why?''

''Because the number is in his name so logically it should be his phone.''

Boris glared at the phone, deciding he didn't like the woman even though he had no idea who it was. But he did recognize something annoying in her voice, and he got the feeling he had felt that annoyance before. But the number on the screen was an enigma, apparently to Rei as well since it wasn't registered, so Boris decided to keep being suspicious.

''Who the hell do you think you are calling at whatever time it is?!''

''I'm sorry it…''

''I don't care if you're sorry!'' he snarled, voice anything but kind. ''What the hell do you want him anyway?!''

''Who is this?''

''None of your fucking business! Listen you cunt, if you – ''

Sadly enough the Falcon didn't have time to tell the rest of his threat – and it was quite a good one too – before Rei soundlessly snatched it out of his hand. Boris barely had time to react before the still sleepy looking Tiger brought the phone to his ear.

''Rei Kon speaking?'' he said more as a question, as confused by the number as the Russian had been.

''Reirei!''

The voice had immediately gotten louder, so loud in fact Boris was able to make out every word of what the woman said. But something in the way that Rei paled made him feel a bit wary, almost even hostile.

''Who is it?'' Boris glared possessively at the phone, but Rei just raised a finger to tell him to keep quiet, something the Russian did not take lightly. ''Don't wave your finger at me! Who is it?!''

''Reirei, who is that? He's so rude! Is he your friend?'' the female half-shrieked in poorly contained excitement, but something in her voice sounded a lot like hidden anger.

''Yes'' Rei said, staring straight through the air as if someone just gave him the most shocking news. ''It's Boris. You remember him, from the Neoborg?''

''Whaaaaaat?!'' the shriek made both men cringe in pain. ''That bastard is there?! So it's true?! Oh my fucking god!''

Rei frowned, the first sign of awareness in minutes. It was almost as if he'd never heard her swear before, and now Boris was twice as suspicious of the voice. He gave Rei a demanding glare, but the dark haired man just frowned at the air.

''I just can't believe it! Oh my god! Oh my GOD!''

As she started ranting about every God they had ever heard of, screaming on and off in English, switching to incoherent Chinese and something that sounded like a mix of the two, Rei slumped down on the couch. Boris watched him cautiously, not really sure of what was going on inside the golden eyes. When finally the ranting had stopped, Rei leaned his head back and closed his eyes in a way that the Russian recognized. He'd seen it before whenever Rei thought it couldn't get any worse, and then it suddenly did.

''First of all you're… you're like that?''

''Yes, Mariah, I'm a disgusting fag.''

''Oh, that's just the icing of the fruitcake! I mean the fag-thing, the elders would never get over it, but I mean eventually I guess I would. Since I love you, you know I do! I mean, it'd still be weird but... with him?! What the hell, Rei?!''

Rei looked about ready to bang his head into a concrete wall, just to see if the pain of listening to her would go away. But he sat still like a good boy, not really in the mood to even move. Tiredly, he sighed, not sure whether to be angry because she had found him, or just indifferent as he hadn't expected anything else.

After all, his life was over the news. If some of his old friends didn't still have his number, they could always track it down. And when they did he wasn't really sure how any of them would react after all these years. To be honest, they were all strangers to him now, and whatever they said didn't surprise him since he had no idea of what to expect in the first place.

''And second of all'' she went on as if nothing could stop her, which Rei suspected wasn't too far from the truth. ''Your father died?! Your father died and we didn't get to hold a funeral?!''

Rei bit his lip down hard, finally the hand clasping the phone white from the grip. A sudden anger tickled him, and even if Rei could have understood the crooked lines Mariah's mind travelled, he couldn't find it in him to understand her now. He wasn't even sure he should.

''I didn't want to give him a funeral.''

Boris silently watched him, uncertain if he should do or say anything at all, more certain that he'd just make everything worse.

''But Rei, this is a disgrace! His name won't ever be as respected in the village again!''

''I don't care, Mariah. The man was dead to me long before he actually died.''

Mariah just gasped in utter, pure, naked horror.

''How can you say that?!''

''You know my reasons, Mariah. You were there.''

A silence hung in the air, a silence so vast and so heavy at first Rei thought Mariah had been crushed under it. But he wasn't all that lucky, as she returned, her voice just a loud shriek-gasp now, but filled with fury.

''Rei, I know it… it hasn't been easy for you but…'' she sighed. ''But it was a private matter. It was not to leave the village. You understand that, right? And now… you're all over the news, Rei. Everything's changed now.''

Rei's knuckles whitened as something seethed inside his eyes.

''Yes, Mariah. Everything's changed. You and I are not friends anymore.'' He ignored her loud shriek. ''It doesn't hurt to say it anymore, it stopped hurting a long time ago. You haven't made an effort to keep contact, and to call after all these years to yell at me when you don't even know half the truth…''

None of them said anything for minutes. Mariah tried to splutter something out, but didn't get a word through the lump in her throat. Finally Boris took it as his cue, and with a little bit of force regained control of the phone.

''If you call here again I'll kill you'' was all he said, in a cold and serious tone of voice, before hitting the red button and slamming the phone down on the table.

Rei just stared at him. Long and hard and quietly. Boris didn't like the kind of stare he was receiving. He had expected tears, or maybe even a bit of anger, but instead the man just looked numb.

''This wasn't the last one'' Rei stated quietly, and Boris nodded.

''No, it wasn't.''

Rei sighed, leaning backwards with his hands covering his face. Boris shiftily gave the cell phone a scheming glare.

''We could get rid of it. Or change the number.''

Rei shook his head.

''No'' he said, voice tired and worn. ''I've run for long enough. This… I'll just have to ride this storm out.''

Boris looked at him with hard eyes, snorting in a condescending tone.

''You chose now to grow a back-bone?''

Rei looked at him through his fingers, eyes unreadable yet peculiar.

''It always gets worse before it gets better.''

''You've been seeing that therapist again, haven't you?''

Rei shrugged, but said nothing. Instead they just sat there in a moment of silence. Rei staring at a speckle of dust, Boris staring at him. He didn't think Rei had really changed much. His hair was glossy and thick as always, still so damn long. He looked like he'd regained some of the lost weight, but other than that the only thing that was different, was that something inside of his eyes looked dim. Boris wasn't sure what it was, but for some reason it disturbed him.

''Does it make it easier?'' Rei broke the silence, his voice soft and low as he finally turned to meet the other's eyes. ''Drinking, I mean.''

Boris frowned at him, and at first wanted to say something sarcastic and mean, but found the words to be missing. Instead he chose to shrug.

''Not really.''

''Then why do you do it?''

''We've all got our ways, kitten''

Rei looked silently at him, but for the smallest fraction of a second, Boris thought he saw the hint of a smile grace his lips. A small, sad, but still familiar little gesture he hadn't seen in that face for what felt like a lifetime.

''Did you mean it?''

Rei looked questioningly at him, and it took a while for Boris to find the words. In truth, they had been hiding within him all along, but it wasn't until now that he felt he could get them out. In a moment where they were both vulnerable, but at the same time none of them cared. It was like Boris could have said anything, and Rei wouldn't have held it against him. Not that he would otherwise, but this was the first time Boris felt he could bother being honest.

''Did I mean what?''

''That… thing you said once. You remember?''

''No…'' Rei frowned in confusion. ''What are you talking about, Boris?''

Boris sighed, drawing a hand through his hair uncomfortably.

''Well…'' he muttered. ''Wo ai ni''

Rei looked as if hit by lightning, like his brain short-circuited. Like being put in a tub of ice-cold water. Terrified, the words seemed like a death trap and for a moment Rei was unsure of what to say. He swallowed to get the dryness out of his mouth, but all it amounted to was to make it feel like he swallowed barbed wire.

''Did you mean it?'' Boris asked again, his voice not betraying a single emotion. No threats, no promises, simply a flat tone of nothing.

''Why does it matter?''

''It matters because I say so!'' he couldn't stop his voice from suddenly cracking with frustration, annoyance, anger at the distance between them, anger at himself for caring, anger for everything.

''Of course I did, you idiot'' Rei shook his head. ''I meant every word.''

He wasn't going to ask how Boris found out the meaning, or even what meaning the Russian thought it had. He wasn't up to figuring out anything, he just wanted to not have to think for a while. Boris on the other hand seemed intent on doing just that, as a troubled expression crossed his face. His brain trying to tie together every possible loose end he could find. But he couldn't. He just grew more confused, empty and cold. Boris couldn't even muster up the strength to be angry, merely frustration was gnawing at him. But it was enough to make everything inside him burn, and he wasn't sure he could stay any longer.

''I have to go''

''I know'' Rei said, staring out into nothing again.

So Boris got to his feet. And even though he still felt like crap, and even though he still had no idea where he had his keys, he got his shoes and his jacket and got out of there. His mind one screaming lump of confusion, steps not knowing where they should go, just that it was somewhere away from Rei's apartment. Rei heard the man leave, the door shut and the silence echo in his home, a silence that echoed in his chest, hollow and numb. Feeling like nothing had really changed, and still knowing nothing would ever be the same again.