Chapter Fifteen
Learn To Crawl

X

Boris didn't care anymore. He just couldn't summon the energy to give a damn about anything. He didn't know why Rei had enraged him so much. After all Rei had only stated the truth. Boris was a cheating bastard. But that didn't mean he wanted to get it thrown in his face like that. Shit. What had he even done to provoke him? Maybe Boris hadn't been all that subtle with his meetings with Claude, but still. Why did Rei care so much about what he did during the days anyway?

Rei hated him. He had to. After all, Boris had betrayed him and treated him like shit from day one. All Rei ever really wanted to do was help. But maybe Boris didn't want his damn help, maybe he didn't need any help. Boris was a grown man, he could take care of himself. Rei was just insulting him, thinking he was some sort of idiot who couldn't tell his left from his right.

Then again, if he could take care of himself, he wouldn't be in the AA would he? He wouldn't have someone else's liver in his body and he would definitely not be living with someone else because he got evicted. Fuck. Boris was such a failure it was a wonder he was still alive. Why hadn't anyone just killed his sorry, pathetic ass already?

He wasn't the same man anymore. He never laughed at Rei or used his weak spots against him. He never wanted to hurt him or see him suffer. In fact, he protected Rei. Tried to make him happy, for god's sake. Boris had completely lost himself. Strangely enough, he was still the same callous, violent, sadistic bastard towards everyone else. It was just Rei that was different. And why? What the hell did Rei have that the others lacked? What was so god awful special about him that he deserved special treatment?

Had Boris just grown soft? Had he lost his way? People didn't even trust him to handle one measly little drink anymore. It was like he was a mentally challenged child and everyone around him were his caretakers. Boris felt trapped but most of all he felt humiliated.

Damn it. If he wanted a drink, he could have one. He could see to it so that it didn't get out of hand. He was a grown man, he could manage himself. No one got to tell him what he could and couldn't handle, neither what he shouldn't handle. He had enough of that in the Abbey, and that place was a distant memory now. No one was ruling his life, telling him what to do, playing him like a puppet.

Boris Kuznetsov was a free man and he could do whatever he wanted. And even if what he wanted to do was a stupid idea, it was still his idea and he was strong enough to deal with it.

For better or for worse, it was his problem.

X

Rei didn't know how long he sat crying on the couch. It must have been a while though, as his neck was stiff and his eyes hurt. He didn't even know why it hurt so much, all he knew was that it felt like his body tried to flush his heart out of itself like an aborted fetus.

And he felt so horribly stupid. There had been no need to attack Boris like that. The man hadn't done anything to deserve that kind of treatment. Rei had no right to say anything. What Boris did was up to him. They weren't together, Rei couldn't tell him to do anything. He couldn't get angry at him for anything, either. Rei should just have shut up and minded his own stupid business.

But now the damage was done, and Rei was worried. Always when Boris stormed off like that, something bad was sure to follow. He wasn't quite certain of what or even when, but that gnawing feeling in his stomach made him want to puke. Whatever happened that night, it would be his fault for being so reckless and stupid and whiny and sensitive. If he could just have pulled himself together, like he used to do, all of this could have been avoided.

His breath hitching, Rei was quick to find his phone and with trembling fingers dial Boris' number. It wasn't until the voice on the phone told him the number was out of service that he remembered Boris had broken his phone weeks ago. Crying even harder, Rei went to find his shoes.

X

He felt like he might have lost control somewhere between the fifth beer and the fourth shot of vodka. Suddenly all of this seemed like a very bad idea, and as he felt that third glass of Jägermeister doing somersaults in his stomach, it was starting to look like the worst idea he'd had in months.

But what was done was done and he did feel a tad bit better. Or, well, that completely depended on the moment.

One minute he'd be alright, laughing at whatever stupid thing they were saying on TV, and the next all the feelings he'd been trying to drown in copious amounts of alcohol fell on him like an anvil.

''Hey, mate. I could look up synonyms for the word 'drunk' and all I'd find would be a picture of you. You want me to ring you up a taxi?''

Boris squinted at him through the thick cigarette smoke emanating from various dark places in the dimly lit bar. All he could see was a blurry mess of colors and what he assumed to be facial features.

''Wha'?''

The bartender leaned over the counter to give him a stern look.

''You're drunk, pal. I'm not serving you anything more and I reckon you should go home.''

''I don't have a home'' Boris slurred.

''Come on now, everyone has a home.''

''No'' Boris shook his head. ''Bitch threw me out.''

''Oh?''

''Or well… no… Bitch wus bein' bitchy so I stormed out. Whatev... Same thing inne' end really.''

The bartender just gave him a mirthless smile before shoving him off the chair.

''Go along now, sir. You've had enough to kill a race horse.''

Boris mumbled something incoherent.

''Well, screw ye then. I'ma go to th' store 'n… buy me some… some beer or sumthin'''

''Sure you don't want me to get you a taxi?''

Since Boris had now begun speaking solely in Russian, the bartender turned to tend to the other guests instead. Ignored, the Slavic stumbled out of the bar. Well out on the cold streets, the air was feeling raw and humid and shivers quickly traveled down his spine. Boris shuddered in the night and figured he had better start walking if he didn't want to freeze to death.

It didn't take him long to find a convenience store, and half an hour later he was drinking his sixth light beer. It wasn't much but at least it was something. Too bad the liquor stores weren't open, because he was in a real mood for something stronger. It didn't really matter what sort of alcohol it was. It rarely ever did anymore. Inside of him was just an unquenchable thirst driving him mad, like clawing rats behind his skull bone.

Boris muttered to himself in his native tongue, throwing the bottle away into the darkness. A second later he heard the shattering of glass, which made a brief memory of the vase he broke wash over him. Boris put his face in his hands. The sidewalk was too cold. It would've been nice to be able to crawl into a warm bed. A warm and soft bed. It'd been even nicer if Rei would've crawled down with him, but after tonight Boris guessed that had all been shot to hell.

''Grrreeeat job, Boris'' he said to himself in mockery. ''Ye're a real prick. This wus all very stupid, y'know that?''

''Yes, it was.''

His head snapped so fast it made something in it hurt. Boris looked up only to find Rei gazing timidly at him, almost frightened.

''Hey! Reeei! Whatchu' doin' here?''

''Looking for you. It's cold and it's late.''

Boris nodded.

''Mmmmm. Prolly would be smart t' find sumplace t' sleep… I guess I'm not allowed 'n the apurtmen' anymore.''

Rei let out a sad sigh and sat down next to the Russian. Looking at him, there was a dark shadow over his face. Boris didn't really want to see him when he was looking like that. For some reason it made him feel like a prick.

''You've got a problem, Boris''

''I know''

''No, I don't think you do know. And that's why we're sitting on a sidewalk in the middle of the night with broken beer bottles scattered around us.''

Boris bit his lip but couldn't keep the resentment out of his voice.

''Fuck it, Rei. I know! I know I… shit…''

He hid his face in his hands again, drawing a long, long breath.

''I know, Rei'' he muttered. ''I think I need help.''

Rei cringed at his words. It was the last thing he ever thought he'd hear Boris say. A man with so much pride it was inhuman, he thought Boris would stubbornly fight to his grave. On the other hand, he was drunk and all sorts of weird things used to drip out of his mouth on those occasions.

''Do you mean that? Because if you're just saying it to make me get off your back – ''

''No!'' Boris turned to look at him with the most sincerity he could muster. ''No. I mean it. Damn it Rei, lookit me. 'M pathetic.''

''No, you're not''

''Yes I am! Shit! I used t' be the great Boris Kuznisof! I used to… strike fear in everyone and stuff!''

Rei sighed but said nothing. Neither did Boris and instead the sound of traffic and a busy city got to fill the silence. After a moment Rei donned a grim face, tilting his head as he tried to find the best words to say.

''I'll make you a deal''

Boris turned to look skeptically at him.

''What?''

''If you go to rehab, you can come back home.''

Boris frowned.

''Really?''

Rei nodded.

''Yeah.''

He was quiet for a little while before he nodded as well.

''M'kay. I'll do it. For you.''

Rei sighed and shook his head, suddenly feeling very exasperated.

''But I don't want you to do it because of me! I want you to do it for yourself. There's no point in going to rehab if you don't want to. Because the only way anyone is ever going to be able to help you is if you help yourself.''

Boris turned his head to look at the dirty ground, fiddling his feet in the mud.

''Don't go to rehab just to have somewhere to go'' Rei said. ''Because you can always check into a hotel or ask Yuriy and Kai for help.''

''I dunn' have any money. 'N Kai's a bastard.''

Rei turned his head so they had eye contact again, boring his gaze into him.

''Boris. There is always somewhere to go. But rehab is not going to help you if you don't want it to help you.''

The Russian's mouth grew taut as the numerous emotions he couldn't understand rampaged in his head.

''I want to go.''

Rei looked skeptical, but hopeful.

''Do you mean that?''

''Yes''

''Because if you don't, there's no point in it. This is your decision.''

''I want to!'' the Russian was almost starting to sound whiny now. ''Damn it, Rei. I'm a mess. I just… I just wan' things t' be fucking normal fer once. I can't… I…'' Boris sighed. ''I wanna go, alright?''

''Yeah, okay, Boris. Okay.'' He crawled a little closer and put his arm around the larger man's shoulders, shaking him gently. ''It's alright. We'll work it out.''

They fell into silence again as there was really nothing left to say. Despite the cold winds sweeping by they didn't think about getting up from the cold sidewalk, nor did they think about anything in particular. Rei wasn't sure if Boris was honest or not and Boris wasn't sure of anything. Perhaps it was just better to see where things went and make the best of that.

''Rei'' Boris said after a while, looking thoughtful as he pursed his lips. ''I wus'nt seein' anyone… or, well, I wus… but not inne' way ye think.''

''It doesn't matter, Boris. Just forget about it, I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. I really had no reason to.''

''But 's important! You need t' know!''

Rei regarded him for a moment.

''Okay, so tell me then''

''I wus meetin' this guy. His name's Claude.''

Rei frowned.

''Claude?''

''I know, right?'' Boris laughed, a short and almost boyish sound. ''Stupid name, 'ennit?''

Rei smiled.

''A little.''

''Anyway… dis Claude's no date or annethin'. He's uhhm…'' Boris looked up at the sky as if the words he was looking for would be there. ''Well, first o' all he's encaged.''

''I think you mean 'engaged'''

'''S what I said. Anywho… he's my… uhm…'' he glanced warily at Rei for a brief second. ''He's my sponsor.''

Rei's eyebrows inched further up his forehead, honest surprise in his eyes. As he took the words in there was a small amount of pride spreading through him.

''Like from the AA?''

Boris nodded unsteadily.

''Mmm. I got 'im when we were there. You were inne' bathroom I think.''

''So why didn't you call him tonight then? Seems like this is his area.''

Boris snorted.

''I did call him.''

''And?''

''I went to a booth-thingy an' I told 'im… I told 'im he wus a stupid asshat and that it wus his fault that you were mad at me. Then I told 'im t' go stick it where his wife used t' stick it. And then I ripped the phone out.''

Rei had to stare at him dumbly for a while before he could manage an answer.

''Uh huh… I see.''

''Yup.''

''So why didn't you want me to know this before?''

Boris shrugged, trying to look like he had no idea when it was quite obvious he did.

''Meh. 'S embarrassing''

Rei sighed and slapped him loosely in the head.

''You're an idiot.''

''I know.''

Smiling again, Rei pulled him closer and planted a gentle kiss in his hair. It was still as soft as he remembered it, tickling his lips.

''Come on now, soldier. Let's get you to bed.''

Boris didn't protest as Rei stood up and dragged him to his feet. Hanging over the Chinese like a big sack of potatoes, the gray haired man yawned.

''We've gotta stop meetin' like this.''

Rei couldn't help but laugh at that. For once a laugh filled with joy.

''Yeah'' he smiled. ''We really do.''

X

''Are you sure about this?''

Rei watched the muscles stretch and work as Boris was throwing his clothes onto the bed. In the middle of the mess of jeans and t-shirts laid a bag, filled so far only with a toothbrush. Boris held up a shirt and regarded it with stark scrutiny, before he threw it on the pile with a shrug of his shoulders.

''Yes. Or, well, no. Kind of. I don't know.''

Rei was leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed and mind troubled. He hadn't dared hope that Boris would remember his words the morning after, but as soon as he had downed three cups of coffee he had gotten to work and already found a rehabilitation center, just in the outskirts of town. As relieved that Rei was that Boris was finally doing something, he wasn't sure he wanted him to follow through with his decision.

''You shouldn't go if you're not sure.''

''How am I supposed to be sure? It's a damn rehab. I don't want to be locked up with a bunch of weirdos and shrinks, but…''

''But?''

''But it's the only way. I've tried the AA, I've tried medication, I've tried helping myself and it just… I have to do this.''

Rei sighed sadly and turned his gaze to the floor.

''Yeah, I know but…''

Boris turned to look at him with an arched brow.

''But?''

''I'm just scared, is all.''

Boris snorted and began folding his pants. And folding for Boris was grabbing the closest piece of garment and shoving it so far down the bag as physically possible. If something didn't fit, he'd make it fit.

''Admit it, kitty'' he smirked at the other. ''You're going to miss me''

Rei scoffed.

''Get over yourself. It'll be nice with a little peace and quiet around here for once.''

But the Chinese was smiling, and soon walked over to the other, tentatively taking his hand. Boris turned to look at him questioningly, while Rei turned his hand in his own.

''I will miss you, rest assure. But I'm glad you finally started dealing with this.''

Boris didn't know what to answer so he didn't. Instead he just watched Rei fiddle with his hand, touching it as if trying to remember every little crack and line in the skin. Eventually Boris nudged him in the shoulder, holding up a shirt before him.

''If you're going to stand here all day at least be helpful.''

Rei looked at him, then at the shirt, then back at him again. Sighing, he took the piece of clothing and began folding it.

''Whatever would you do without me?''

''Lie puking in a street somewhere, I guess.''

Frowning, Rei decided not to answer. He didn't want to depress himself any further. Just the fact that Boris was leaving was difficult enough. It didn't really help that he still couldn't figure out where the two of them stood, or what was going to happen next. If Boris would succeed or just drink himself to death. The future was too uncertain and it made him feel strange and also slightly nauseous.

''What sort of rehabilitation facility is it?''

''Some psychological kind. That religious shit just isn't working for me.''

Rei snorted.

''I bet.''

Boris squeezed another shirt into the bag, making Rei stop mid-motion to violently grab his arm.

''Woah, woah, woah! Hold on there, buddy!''

Boris frowned.

''What?''

''You can't just shove it in there! It'll get wrinkled!''

Boris just gave him a bored look. Shaking his head the Russian moved towards the door.

''Fine, you do it then. I'll go get my razor.''

When Boris had left the room Rei stood still in the silence, clutching the shirts he'd salvaged from the dark pits of the bag close to his body. Gently, he smelled the fabric, drawing in the other's scent for one last time before he left. Something heavy lay where his heart should be, a pressing sensation over his head.

He hoped that whatever happened this time, it would be worth it.