Tell me what you think of Hilary, okay? I'm afraid I make her seem OOC. But I figure that out of the boys, Hilary would have this fear based respect for Kai, be bothered a lot by Daichi, like Max, feel protective of Kenny, hate/love Tyson and be fond of Ray because he's not an annoying brat, and she may connect with him differently. I dunno. Lots of dialogue here. And don't worry, Kai and Yuriy will reappear soon enough. Cheers!
Chapter Eighteen
Whatever It Takes
X
Two weeks had passed with nothing new happening. Rei went about his day like he normally would without the drama. He washed his dishes, did the laundry, paid his bills, met up with Dr. Peony, he'd even gone back to work. It was part time, as some days he struggled to get out of bed, but it was enough for him to scrape by. The harsh melancholy that had sunk its claws into him stirred and slumbered in leaps and bounds. Some days he was quite chipper, talking to Kai and occasionally Yuriy on the phone, cleaning out the kitchen whenever the hollow in his chest ached. It was no way near the real thing, but having a spotless kitchen made him feel like Boris was still around. Like he had just gone out on town, sitting at a restaurant, sleeping in the bed or hiding away in a cupboard. He hadn't dared call the man yet and even if detox was probably over, he figured Boris wouldn't be too happy about therapy.
Then there were days when he doubted he could make it through. His chest more like a bear trap, a churning sensation of dread gnawing and nibbling away at his insides. Those were the days he thought about just staying in bed, like there was no point in even bothering. The days filled with doubt. What guarantee was there that when Boris returned he would be able to stay sober? What reason did he have to believe that he wouldn't go out on a binge the first thing he did? Rei's feelings? Was his limited consideration enough, was anything ever enough to come between an addict and their drug?
There were days when Rei contemplated visiting, or at least calling him, at the rehab. Days when hope fluttered weakly, inside somewhere. Hope that it was going to be alright now. Maybe with baby steps, but steps nonetheless. That maybe they could leave everything behind them, forget everything and move on. Maybe they could make it work, somehow. Because Rei knew not what to do without him. Every creak of the walls, every lonely sigh from the fridge or the birds chirping outside was that much louder, and the emptiness of his apartment that much more prominent. When Boris was gone, nothing was in its right place.
There were no guarantees. No promises that anything would be any different. Rei didn't know how much more of that he could take. More than that, he knew he wouldn't. He knew he would have to let Boris go and that was the one thing he dreaded the most. It wasn't sane to stay with someone who was so intent on dying away from you. But maybe Rei was selfish, for thinking of this. But with nothing to do, he had little else to do but think.
They hadn't been on the tabloids or the news in a while, which was nice for a change. But the past week some pages about Boris' rehabiliation had come up, and as more time went on, the more people speculated, he figured it wasn't long until things were way blown out of proportion again. At least things weren't as bad as before, and British celebrities were still more interesting. He just wondered, irked and disconcerted, how they had found out about it. For all he knew that certain clinic was used to treating at least minor celebrities, and discretion was their policy from what he'd been told by the people there. It wasn't impossible, he supposed, but it still made him feel uneasy not knowing how the information had leaked. But all the magazines were more focused on the most recent diet fad and infidelity scandal, for the time being at least. It felt good, like he had been confined in a small space for too long and was finally able to stretch his legs. Whenever the phone rang his heart still jumped a little in his chest, but the worry soon subsided as it was always one of the Russians.
When it suddenly rang one Friday morning, the day being one of his worse ones - not enough to make him bed bound, instead it seemed his body did everything it could to not be in bed, which was the reason he sat awake at 4 in the morning - Rei felt particularly suspicious. The time difference between London and Moscow dictated it was 8 AM over there, and no one ever called him at such an hour, despite all three of them being morning people. Then a chilling thought struck him. What if something had happened? Maybe Yuriy choked on a biscuit or Kai had an accident?
Rei felt he didn't want to pick up the phone anymore. If something bad awaited him on the other end - and it most often did - he didn't want to face it. But as the phone kept ringing , the person intent on not giving up, he reluctantly moved to answer it. But as his stiff, uncooperative muscles were about to pick the phone up, the ringing stopped. Rei stared at it stupidly for a moment, before dread jumped him from behind. What did this mean? Had they died? Had the house burnt down? Did they call for him with their last strength and die just because he took too long? Rei shook his head to rid himself of such silly thoughts. Why on Earth would Yuriy or Kai be stupid enough to call him in their dying moment instead of an ambulance? Perhaps it was too late, perhaps they knew they wouldn't survive and called just to tell him... tell him what, exactly? None of them were the sentimental type. Maybe it was just a telemarketer?
He jolted when the phone started ringing again, glancing warily at it as if half expecting it to jump at him. Either the situation in Moscow was really, really bad, or it was one bored Yuriy on the other end. What if it was a reporter? Rei frowned. He decided it was best not to dwell on it, for if Yuriy and Kai truly were dying, it'd be best to answer. Forcing his ominous feelings away he swallowed down the fear and picked up the phone.
''R-rei speaking?'' his voice stumbled out over his tongue, his throat very dry for some reason.
''Rei? Dude, that you?''
Rei cleared his throat, but choked on himself as he recognized the voice.
''Tyson?''
''Duuuude! I can't believe I had the right number! Awesome! How are ya, man?''
Rei spluttered incoherently for a moment, looking around himself as to find something that might aid him. He shook his head, trying to get his brain to function properly, wondering briefly if he'd gone psychotic and this was some sort of hallucination.
''I'm - uh- I am... I'm fine. How... how are you?''
''Great, man! I'm resting before the semi-finals and the chicks, dude, you should see the fangirls!''
''Yeah, I... I saw you.''
''You did?''
Rei massaged his forehead, still trying to let the situation sink in.
''On the TV, I mean. I saw Hilary's show.''
He heard that familiar, warming laugh on the other end. No matter how long between seeing each other, Tyson never seemed to change.
''Oh, yeah! Can you believe she's married? I mean, they say the way to a man's heart goes through his stomach so... I have no clue how she caught that one!''
Rei couldn't help but chuckle. It was a strange effect Tyson had on people; whenever around him, no matter how grim a person was, he always seemed to rub off on people with his elevated mood and high spirit. Well, unless it was one of the Russians. They seemed immune to all sorts of emotional attacks.
''It's good to hear form ya, Rei'' Tyson sounded serious, almost uncharacteristically tentative. ''I'm... I know we haven't spoken for like, ages, and I'm sorry 'bout that, dude. I just... you just completely disappeared and well, Hil said that maybe you wanted to be left alone and I...''
''Tyson, you're rambling.''
There was a sheepish laugh.
''Sorry.''
''It's okay.''
''No, but Rei, I - ''
''No, Tyson. I mean it, really. It's alright. I don't blame you. And Hilary was right, I didn't... I just wanted to get out of the spotlight, you know? Away from prying eyes. I just needed some time to... sort things out.''
And he did mean it. He had been angry with his old friends, once. But that was a foolish time in his life where he was so caught up in his own self-pity, everyone was painted a villain. But the past year had brought a new perspective on things and, Rei had come to realize, that he was the one who had distanced himself. Somewhere in his chest guilt pricked at him, and he wondered if maybe he should call Mariah. He quickly discarded the thought though, as he soon remembered how unpleasant their previous conversation had been.
''I really missed ya, man'' Tyson cleared his throat, evidently uncomfortable with such a sentimental scene. ''Max misses you too, he still talks about you all the time. And so does Kenny and Hilary and I... I... Uh...'' he cleared his throat again, sounding like something quite large had gotten stuck in it, but soon he spoke with renewed vigor. ''Hey! You said you saw Hil's show, right?''
Rei tried to stifle a yawn.
''Yeah?''
''Well, then you heard us talk about the reunion thingy? Right?'' he made a brief pause as if waiting for Rei to answer, but Rei barely had the time before Tyson was rambling again. It amazed Rei how soon the boy regained his chipperness. ''So, uh, I was actually calling to ask you about that. We haven't decided where to host it yet seeing as we're all scattered around the world and all and uh... yeah, we haven't picked out a time or anything yet either but, anyway, would you like to go? I mean you don't have to but it'd be really nice and we all want to see you and maybe we can ask those grumpy - ''
''Tyson''
''Yeah?''
''I'd love to go.''
He was silent for only a few seconds, but it was long enough for Rei to start suspecting that perhaps he had fainted. He had never heard Tyson be quiet for that long, not even in his sleep.
''That is so awesome! Way awesome! Dude, Rei, this is gonna be epic! The guys are gonna be so psyched!''
A dull ache thumped in him, an ache he hadn't felt for so long. He had missed them all, so much he had no words for it, but he had gotten used to it during the years and eventually, that ache just became background noise. Now it resurfaced and with it also the guilt. Guilt about how he had turned his back on the people he was supposed to always support, for his own selfish reasons. Suddenly Rei didn't feel like he even belonged at that reuinon anymore.
''Hey'' Tyson brought him out of his guilt trap. ''Uhm, Hilary wanted to ask you something, but it's midnight at her place now so expect a call later today when she's on her break, yeah?''
Rei frowned.
''Oh ýeah?''
''Yeah, but she wants to ask you herself so... keep your phone with ya, alright?''
Rei chuckled. He couldn't remember the last time he'd smiled for such a long period of time.
''Sure, Ty.''
''Okay, take care now, ya hear me?''
''Yeah, you too.''
''Great! Well, talk to ya later, I need to go and pick my Blade up at the repair shop, so... Don't do anything I'd do!''
''I wouldn't dream of it''
Tyson's laugh reached him through the phone, and as it did something pleasant and warm laid itself inside his stomach. A slight sense of homesickness struck him, though he did not know exactly where his home was. London was the closest thing he'd ever had to one, after all.
''Hey, Tyson?'' Rei said just before the other was about to hang up.
''Yes?''
''It was great hearing from you.''
There was a brief pause, before Tyson chuckled and as he spoke Rei was sure he could hear the smile in his voice.
''I'll always be here if you get withdrawal symptoms!''
Rei shook his head.
''I know. And I'm... I'm sorry. For everything. I know I haven't been a good friend, or any kind of friend at all, I just - ''
''Hey, hey, Rei, don't sweat it! I understand! Or, well, I don't since I've no idea what you've been up to but...'' there was a strained pause, but his voice was kind when he continued. ''No hard feelings, Rei. I know what it's like to want to get away. We can't always be at our strongest.''
''I... guess not''
Rei still didn't feel satisfied. He wanted to apologize to Tyson, to all of them, for a thousand years as the shame suddenly overpowered him. Even if Tyson forgave him, Rei know he wouldn't.
''Gotta run now, but don't beat yourself up. We'll talk some other time, okay?''
Rei sighed, but tried to soldier up.
''Okay.''
''Bye, Rei!''
A click told him that Tyson was gone from the line, and for a while he just stood staring at the phone in his hand. Eventually he let out another, slightly longer, sigh and put the phone in his pocket before he sagged down on the couch. Perhaps Tyson was right and maybe the past didn't matter anymore. The important thing was that he was there now, and he had to make the best of what he had. Perhaps, it was time to let go and try to move forwards.
And maybe there was still a chance that things would get better.
X
''Reading some sappy romance novel there, Borbor?''
Boris looked up from the book in his lap. Not that he was much of a book worm, he never even bothered with instruction manuals, but sitting around staring at a wall and trying to ignore the other patients he eventually got bored and restless which was never a good thing with him. Soren had showed him to the multicultural section of the leisure room, a small and pitiful collection, but there had been some works in Russian and knowing he had to at least try to cope with the cravings, he decided a book was better than nothing. If it could distract him for just a moment, it would be something. Unfortunately, he was barely three pages into the book when Johnny decided he was bored as well, and he sure wasn't going to be reading any books when he had a former rival to bother.
''What the fuck did you just call me?''
''Borbor!'' Johnny said as if it was the most natural thing in the world. With a cocked eyebrow he dropped down into the tattered armchair next to him and smirked in that way Boris had already grown to detest. ''It sounds so mich like 'bore', which you most certainly are if I ever saw one.''
Boris felt his facial muscles twitch in oncoming indignation. With a growl he returned to the book, trying to ignore Johnny to the best of his abilities.
''Whatcha' readin'?'' Johnny wouldn't have that though and was intent on doing everything in his might to get Boris to pay attention to him. ''What the fuck is this? Are these supposed to be letters? What the fuck?''
''It's the kyrillic alphabet you idiot.''
''It's a shitty fucking alphabet if you ask me.''
''Well, I didn't''
''What's that say right there?'' Johnny pointed his finger at an especially long and weird looking sentence. ''What's those backwards Rs supposed to be? That thing looks like a spider. Do you have fake letters because you can't write so you draw weird looking symbols instead?''
''Leave me alone!'' Boris shut the book forcefully enough to produce a loud bang, but Johnny was quick to pull his finger out of harm's way which only infuriated the Russian further. Having failed at his first attempt, he decided to smack it across the other's head instead. ''Go away!''
''Agh! What the fuck!'' Johnny stroked his face and as another rain of attacks came at him he, surprisingly graceful, evaded every new attack. ''You caught me off guard with that first one.''
He had his athletic prowess to thank for that, as the more Boris tried to hurt him, the easier it got for Johnny to remain unharmed. Finally Boris roared angrily into his palm, instead hitting himself in the head with the book.
''Bor, take it easy! Don't wanna lose your last two functioning brain cells, do ye?''
Boris just glared at him from the corner of his eye. At least he had stopped abusing his cranium. Leaning back in the armchair, he let out a string of Russian insults and a very tired sigh.
''Great, now when we've stopped being psycho, we can play!''
''Go away.''
''Come on, Bor. I'm bored, you're bored, let's be bored together!''
''Why?''
Johnny shrugged.
''Lucky for you'' Boris growled through gritted teeth ''that they drug me up, otherwise you'd be scraping your face off the ceiling.''
Johnny snorted and rolled his eyes.
''I feel immensely threatened.'' he smirked. ''Not like you could've taken me anyway.''
Boris cocked an eyebrow.
''Is that a challenge?''
''For you perhaps. For me? No. Piece of cake. I'll take your bony ass down any day.''
Boris growled, feeling near comatose. The anger frolicked around for a while, but he hadn't the energy to let it surge forth as it wanted. Instead he just scoffed, glaring at Johnny as hard as he could.
''I'm bigger than you''
''True. But why bitch about it? We can let the boxing ring deciede once you've stopped being such a pussy and start moving around again.''
Boris scoffed.
''If you love pain that much, sure.''
Satisfied, Johnny sat back with a delighted smirk, paying no attention to Boris as a group of female nurses had entered the room. Boris took refuge in the privacy and knowing it wouldn't last for very long, he closed his eyes and enjoyed the peace in silence. His head had just stopped ringing when Johnny decided to bother him again.
''So, how long've ye known?''
Boris arched a brow, incredulous eyes glaring at the redhead.
''That you were an idiot? Since the moment I first saw you.''
Johnny rolled his eyes.
''No, ye dolt. That you were... well, batting for the other team?''
The incessant winking he was performing made Boris feel very uncomfortable. His eyebrow twitching again, he knew not if Johnny was trying to be sarcastic or if he was being flirty.
''What?''
''Oh, relax!'' Johnny smirked. ''I like the ladies m'self, I'm just messin' with ye.''
Boris growled.
''I don't 'bat for the other team'.''
''You don't?''
''No.''
Johnny looked thoughtfully at the ceiling, almost as if disappointed.
''Hmm... I'm usually right about these things...'' then his smirk returned full force and there was an evil glint in his eyes as he spoke next. ''Oh, you stud! Ye battin' for both teams, eh?''
Boris gave an indignant sigh.
''What are you talking about?''
''That ye like the fellas! And the girls, I s'pose.''
Boris glanced at him. For a moment he contemplated just walking away and hoping that whatever happened, perhaps by some dumb luck Johnny would end up tilting the book case over himself and die. Much too tired to even breathe properly, Boris decided he wasn't in the mood for storming off, instead he stayed put and tried to sustain the conversation as little as possible.
''I never really cared'' he muttered, glaring. ''If I saw something nice, I went after it.''
''Oh, how noble of you! Seeing the person, not the gender!'' Johnny's sarcasm was dripping in abundance and Boris considered risking getting thrown out and the pain of his muscles just to get the satisfaction of hitting him. ''So, ye single?''
''Why are you so interested?''
''I'm curious! I've got nothing to do!''
''So I've noticed. Bother someone else.''
Johnny waved his hand at him and scoffed.
''They're no fun. They just look at me all sadly.'' he winked. ''Come on, Borbor. I promise I ain't hittin' on ye, I'm just trying not to lose my mind here.''
Boris rolled his eyes.
''Too late for that.''
''Har har'' Johnny looked at him over his nose, a condescending and not even slightly amused expression on his face. ''Come on, Bor. Ye single?''
''If I ignore you, will you go away?''
''No. I'm not a fairy - no pun intended - I don't die if you stop believing in me.''
There was a moment of silence. Finally Boris realized that Johnny was a distraction, and if he was going to make it through the day without breaking out and robbing a liquor store, any distraction was good. Even if it was annoying and loud and really made him want to hurt something.
''It's...'' Boris frowned, he really had no idea what to answer. ''... complicated.''
Johnny laughed, mockingly. Boris started rethinking this decision but realized it was too late to back out. Once Johnny latched onto someone, like a leach, he didn't let go until he was satisfied.
''Awww, do you have a picture of him with you?''
''Why the fuck would I have a picture of him? I know what he fucking looks like.''
Johnny shrugged.
''Just as a reminder, you know. In case you miss him. It'd be almost like him being here.'' he studied his face with a look in his eyes that Boris did not like. ''You miss him a lot, don't you, big guy?''
''Are you going to be following me for the rest of my stay here?''
''Yes. Yes I will.'' he nodded in affirmation. ''You know this leisure room, yeah?'' Boris only responded with a belittling glare. ''Well, I've read all of 'em books and I've seen all of 'em films more than twice, even the ones I din' understand. And the workshop? Man, what a joke. I mean, fucking model airplanes, right? What the hell am I going to do with a fucking model airplane? I don't even like heights!''
Boris stared at him, dead-pan, for a moment. Eventually he let a loathing sigh slip from his lips, leaving with it a part of his will to live.
''God, what is wrong with you?''
''I dunno'' Johnny shrugged. ''They're still trying to figure that one out.''
''Are we done now?'' Boris frowned, knowing that hope in this situation was foolish and he was right on the money as Johnny shook his head.
''We ain't done 'til you've told me more 'bout yer fella!''
''He's not my... fella.''
''Oooh... Unrequited? He straight or what?''
Boris was starting to feel very uncomfortable and very annoyed. He hadn't even shared this much with Dr. Baba, so why Johnny dragged so much out of him he did not quite understand. Perhaps because Johnny wasn't trying to 'fix' him, or unveil his secrets. Johnny just seemed to simply want to kill some time. Besides, it wasn't like he was asking any harmful questions. Boris had no shame and he didn't have to spill all the details. Moreso he supposed he didn't have to, there was certainly some gossip magazine telling its own skewed version somewhere. Though, Johnny didn't seem to be the gossiping type so it was possible that he was completely in the dark.
Shiftily Boris eyed him, studying him in scrutiny.
''I was an idiot, he got hurt. We spent a while apart with no contact and now I live with him but...'' Boris shrugged.
Johnny, chin leaned against his hand, legs crossed, nodded in what Boris was not sure if it was mocking or just his way to be funny. Either way, he didn't like it and offered the man a threatening glare.
''Are you here because of him?''
''I guess.''
''They've prolly told you this already but you do know that if it doesn't work out between ye, ye'll prolly relapse unless ye get sober for yer own sake.''
''What are you? My mother?''
Johnny smirked.
''Just sayin'. But I bet yer a smart guy, Bor. Ye'll figure it out and the two of ye can go back to bein' lovey dovey. Even if it doesn't work out, hopefully ye'll still be friends, yeah?''
Boris rolled his eyes and growled.
''Yeah, Dr. Phil, prolly''
Johnny faked a hurt expression.
''Ye don't haveta be rude''
''You don't have to be an idiot''
Johnny shook his head.
''What'd ye do, then?'' as he got a questioning, quite annoyed, look from the other, Johnny elaborated, once again gesturing with his hands. ''That hurt him so bad ye din't speak to each other.''
''I...'' Boris's eyes drarkened, his fists clasping and his jaw taut, it was obvious he was uncomfortable with the memory. He pressed a sigh through clenched teeth. ''Stupid, stupid things.''
''You need to come to terms with it. It won't matter if he forgives you unless you forgive yerself, yeah? Otherwise it won't work.''
''How long will you be here?''
Johnny looked puzzled by the question, not understanding what it had to do with anything.
''Another two weeks, I reckon. Why?''
''Then I'll look forward to that day more than my own release.''
Johnny snorted, the playful glint still in his eyes.
''Ye're a real piece o' work, Kuznetsov.''
''Part of my charm, McGuyver. Part of my charm.''
Johnny looked unimpressed and unamused.
''It's McGregor.''
Boris threw his book at him.
''How interesting.''
''I hate to interrupt your lover's quarrel here, lads'' a voice alerted the young men to the presence of one especially tall and especially burly nurse. ''But McGregor's scheduled for an appointment with the physician, so you'll have to finish this up later.''
Johnny got up to follow her, but turned with a wink as he put an arm around the nurse's shoulder.
''See ye later, Borbor'' the nurse carelessly swatted his arm away, sending glares the whole time they walked. ''Oh, Nance, I love it when ye manhandle me!''
As the two disappeared out of the room and down the hall, so subsided their resulting argument. Finally alone Boris picked up his book, but he barely read a whole paragraph before putting it down. Unable to concentrate and with a mind working incessantly, he suddenly felt oddly bored. As his body told him it was about to hurt him lest he quit being a jerk to it, he decided to try and get some sleep.
X
The rest of the day went by with nothing in particular happening. Boris went to see Dr. Baba and no progress was really made. He found out group therapy would begin the next day at 8 in the morning, sharp. He met up with his physician, who prescribed him a new medicine as his current one wasn't giving him particularly nice side-effects. He tried to device a plan for how to get out of lunch meditation, but came up short and decided to visit the gym after dinner. In the years since this had all spiralled out of hand, he had exercised less and less until he finally had stopped it altogether.
Boris was usually very muscular and broad shouldered, and despite being quite short for a man his age he'd always seemed sort of big. But now he just looked lanky. His arms were long and wiry, blue veins such a striking contrast to his ashen, sickly skin. His legs were emaciated and bony, his hands looking like something out of a horror movie. His muscle mass was laughable, his weakness twice as much. If the pills worked and he finallly got some energy back, perhaps he could use the gym. He was getting better at stomaching solid food, and in a while perhaps he'd be able to eat larger, sturdier amounts.
While plans were forming in his head, Boris acknowledged how much he needed a haircut. It was a wonder Rei hadn't picked on him in retaliation for all the comments Boris had made about his hair, now when his own reached his shoulder blades. If he put it in a pony tail he looked like cliché movie Russian mobster, but if he had it let down he looked like a porn producer. Boris sighed. At least his hollowed out face and sunken eyes, the dark circles and bags, made him look a little threatening. It was with a hard, sinking feeling, like an anvil in his stomach, he realized how far he had actually gone. Yes, perhaps he wasn't much to bring home to one's parents before this entire mess, but now he was simply just pitiful.
In a sudden surge of rage he hadn't had the energy to experience in a while, Boris slung out his fist and heard the mirror crack beneath his knuckles. Small shards fell to the floor and scattered around his feet and it was with a great lack of participation he watched them reflect his own, ghostly image back to him. Something warm and sticky slowly dripped down his hand and into the basin and idly Boris wondered if they'd punish him for this. But the anger had felt good, he had felt more like his old self and even if it absolutely drained him, it helped him feel like maybe that part of him wasn't entirely gone.
He knew that dinner was being served soon, but if he stood up for another minute he knew he was going to pass out. So instead he threw himself on his uncomfortable bed and blacked out before his head even hit the rough pillow.
X
Rei was lying on his bed, staring at the roof like he most often seemed to do. Nothing new had happened to it, so there was nothing productive coming out of this. The cracks were still the same, the spots in the same places he last saw them. Somewhere in his building he could hear someone vacuum and water ran through the pipes in the wall behind his head. The curtains were drawn, the room dark except for the light seeping in through the door crack. Rei had never considered his bed big until now. He hadn't slept in the same bed as Boris on many occasions, two or three perhaps, in the last months, but that was all he needed. One little reminder of how it used to be and suddenly the bed was twice as empty and big and uncomfortable as it had ever been.
Nex to him laid his phone, low on battery he ignored its blinking request to be charged. He knew Boris wasn't allowed to talk on the phone whenever he wanted, and even if he did have telephone hours right that moment Rei did not know what he wanted to say. He had seen a lot and the two of them had gone through some things that he often thought would break him, but somehow it was nothing compared to what he was experiencing now. On the one hand, he was relieved, almost exhilirated because it finally felt like there was some hope to the situation.
On the other hand, his heart was heavy and sore with fear, a wave of dread swelling and shrinking in intervals inside his chest. Beacause he knew that if Boris didn't make it this time, he probably never would. This was their last chance, for the two of them, and Rei knew that if Boris failed now it could take years for him to even try again and as much as he loved the bastard - hard enough as that realization was to accept - he also knew he loved him too much to manage watching him die like that. Rei felt like a traitor for even thinking along this path, but the truth was that he could do nothing more to help him. Boris had to do this on his own and for his own sake, Rei had no power to fix things. But by the gods, did he wish he had.
All he could do was sit by and support him and hope that this time, it would work. He knew it was going to be hard, there would probably be some relapses, but all he needed was for Boris to try. Honestly and wholeheartedly try, want and strive to recover. Because recovery and sobriety was a never ending process, he knew that. All he wanted was for Boris to try as much as he was capable of. He wanted to leave the past behind and start again, as new people with new futures. He felt stupid for admitting it to himself, but for all the things Boris had done, Rei loved him too much to let him go. If Boris didn't make it through, his biggest fear was having to leave him.
But it was so hard to trust him. He tried, he really did, but it was a slow process and he wondered if he ever really would. Mostly, he feared that perhaps he never could.
There were visiting hours coming up in less than a week. He didn't know if he wanted to go or not. Well, of course he wanted to, but he didn't know if he should. Kai told him to go face his fears and Yuriy agreed in less pleasant words, saying that it would probably mean something to Boris. And Rei knew he had no right to be selfish. But he so desperately wanted to be selfish. Although, he had promised himself to try to stop running from his problems and start dealing with them like the over-confident person he used to be, so perhaps this was as good a time as any. And he did miss him.
His phone woke him from his musings with a jolt as it began to ring. Rei glanced warily at it before he remembered it might be Hilary, so grabbing the phone - concluding the number was foreign and unknown - he tentatively answered, grateful to get any sort of distraction. He just hoped that whatever news awaited him it was good news.
''Kon Rei'' he almost poured into the phone, feeling very tired all of a sudden.
''Reeeeei! How are you? How have you been? How are things? I heard you saw my show! Was it good? You don't have widescreen do you? It makes my calves look fat.''
There was something different about her voice that he hadn't noticed from the show. Something more mature, but feminine. A timid smile tugget at his lips and it was with a lighter heart he answered her.
''Hey, Hil! Yes, I saw it and no, you didn't look fat. You look great. How... how are you? When did you get married?''
Having spoken to Tyson earlier sort of lessened the blunt shock, the surreality, of speaking to someone he hadn't met in years. In just a few seconds it felt like they had never parted at all, and yet like there was a stranger on the other end. Rei felt uneasy, but glad, to hear from her again. The guilt from Tyson came crawling back up his throat, but he tried to ignore it for the time being.
''Oooh, just a couple of years ago. He's a very nice man, I don't know how I reeled that one in!'' there was a nervous laugh, apparently Hilary was having the same doubts about the conversation as Rei did. ''His name is Pryce. He does most of the cooking.''
Rei smiled. He was glad to see that some things never changed.
''So you're doing good?''
''Yeah, better than I ever imagined'' her voice was sincere, and she sounded genuinely happy. Something in Rei softened and relief flooded him. ''I love my job, my husband - obviously - and my hair is so awesome right now, like you wouldn't believe.'' she laughed once again, more relaxed and casual this time, easing into the conversation more and more. ''But I miss you.''
That cold, metallic feeling returned.
''I... I know. Hil, I know I've been a terrible friend and I know I can't make up for that, but I want you to know that I'm sorr - ''
''Shut up, Rei.''
He blinked stupidly at the air.
''What?''
''I don't blame you. I really don't. I understand how it can be to have a rough time and I empathize, I really do. I don't love you any less, how could I? You're my Chinese hunk 'a lovin'!'' her voice was kind, forgiving and it only hurt him more to remember what kind of person he had abandoned all those years ago. ''We're talking now, aren't we? And I could've done more to stay in touch, for which I apologize. Let's just move past it, okay? I want to catch up!''
Rei felt easier and lighter at that, rolling his eyes at Hilary's quick talking.
''Well, sure. What have you been up to?''
''Ah, this and that. You know. Me and Pryce have been talking about a baby...''
Rei almost dropped the phone as his heart made a double jolt.
''What?''
''Jeeesh, calm down! I'm not preggers. We just thought that in the future, in some years, we would want kids.''
Rei calmed down. Even if he came from a village where one married and bore children around their age, he couldn't quite imagine Hilary pregnant. The mental images of her chasing her children around, angrily and with a mess around her, disturbed him slightly. But she was happy, which was the important part. A bit more relaxed he went to find his charger.
''That sounds great, Hilary. I'm... I'm really happy for your sake.''
And he was, he really was. It was comforting to know that someone he cared for was well, it was a nice change.
''Thanks, Rei. But you didn't answer my question; how are you? How are... things?''
Rei knew directly what she meant.
''They... uh... not so good, I guess. Better, though''
''I read online on a blog that Boris is... you know.''
''In rehab?''
He thought he could hear her shift uncomfortably on the other end.
''Yeah. I uh... actually, Rei, I wanted to ask you something.''
Rei frowned. He did not know if he should worry or not. He trusted Hilary, but the subject made him suspicious. As he plugged in the battery charger he waited tensely for her to speak.
''What?''
''Before things get as crazy as when they, allegedly, found out all that stuff about you two... And I just get pissed off by all the rumors - ''
''Hil, it's fine. I don't care anymore, let them gossip if they're bored.''
It comforted him the way Hilary was always so protective. She had always been a strong woman, albeit insecure, and despite her love being tough, it was love nonetheless and he knew she had always looked out for the best for her boys.
''But I care, Rei. I don't like this slander. Sure, about me I don't care, but when it's about my friends I just... well, you know me.'' she laughed tensely, almost bitterly. ''When they started talking shit about Tyson I made an interview with him to set things straight and I was hoping that, well, you might agree to do the same. I understand if you don't want to, I really do, I just get so pissed off and I want to show another side to the story and I know other reporters are insensitive jerks most of the time and maybe... I don't know. It just hurts so much not to be able to protect my friends, you know?''
Rei sighed.
''Oh, Hil'' He shook his head with a small tilt of his mouth. ''What ever did I do to deserve you?''
Hilary snorted.
''Think nothing of it, precious. You don't have to do it, and I understand you may not want to leave London... We could wait, I would gladly interview Boris as well. I just... I just want to do something, you know?''
''You always were a woman of action, Hil.''
''Oh, shush...''
''But... I'd like to do the interview. I... don't really care about their rumors and talking, but I want to at least defend myself. I don't think Boris really cares, but I just don't want to sit down and take all of their crap. I'm tired of letting my problems walk all over me.''
She was silent for a moment, before she laughed softly.
''Sounds like the Rei I used to know a long time ago.''
He lost his words for a moment. But soon he felt something small begin to stir, something warm and familiar, something akin to pride. The running had to stop. He hadn't bothered much with the press before, during his career, even if they had angered him a lot of times, he had dealt with it calmly and ignored them. He wanted to deal with it the same way this time, but he did not want to be silent. If he was going to reclaim himself, if he was going to be Rei Kon again, this felt like a good step along the way. Besides, it was an excuse to meet Hilary and get out of the country for a while. He did want to meet her husband.
''I'll... I'll ask Boris what he thinks. I can't call him but visiting hours will open up this week. If he wants to, we can fly over in... well, a few weeks. If he doesn't, I can't really do much around here anyway so I might as well come.''
''Great, Rei!'' her voice was loud and chipper, so much like the girl he remembered. ''Call me when you know, okay? And Tyson and I are trying to find a good date for the reunion, I'd love to see the two of you there.''
''Yeah, I'll try to get the grumpy Russians to come.''
Hilary laughed.
''Great. I'll talk to you later, alright?''
''Looking forward to it.''
''Keep your head up, okay? And you know you're my number one, right?''
Rei cocked an eyebrow in amusement.
''I thought Pryce was your number one.''
''Ooh, the things he doesn't know won't harm him...'' she chuckled. ''Take care, and don't do anything stupid like I know you boys do without me around.''
''Try not to burn the kitchen down''
Hilary huffed, presumably rolling her eyes too.
''Whatever, funny guy. I'll talk to you later.''
''Bye, Hil.''
''Byebye!''
As she hung up, Rei let out a sigh. Perhaps things were going to get better before they got worse. Perhaps things were never getting better. At least now he had things to look forward to. Putting the phone down on the bed Rei stretched long and nimble, feeling the tiredness disappear as his muscles worked. Perhaps some exercise would be good for him. It had been a while and he did get restless when he hadn't moved in a long time, not to mention his muscle mass had lessened considerably as of late.
As he went to find his running shoes, Rei cast a last glance at the phone and with a crooked smile guessed he would have to go visit Boris after all.