Chapter Nineteen
Growing Wallflowers

X

Rei had no idea what to really expect. Going out with the cab that particularly rainy, raw day he knew not what to do with himself. For some reason his nerves were jittey and on edge, every fiber of his being seemed to rattle and stir. He felt much like a boy on his way to the first day of his new school, only this wasn't a particularly nice one. He wondered what would happen when he arrived and what he was supposed to say to Boris. The visiting hours were few and far between, so if he hadn't gone today he might not have seen Boris for another month. The rules were strict, but probably for a reason. Telephone hours were allowed more often, but he didn't have the strength to call him. If anything, he felt it was best to do this in person.

Outside the snow had begun to rain away, leaving grey and soggy dirt beneath it. It wasn't far until spring, and Rei welcomed that. After all, it was his favourite season. Come Febuary Boris would be let out. Unless he dropped out or got kicked out before that, which was a very likely possibility that Rei preferred not to dwell on. The cab swerved and glided over the road, the trip feeling much shorter this time. Perhaps because he had traveled this road before and knew what to expect, or perhaps because he dreaded this visit much more than the first one.

Rei felt so silly. It wasn't fair of him to be feeling this way but he was a person after all, he had a right to be conflicted.

It wasn't that he didn't miss Boris, quite the contrary, he missed him so much he barely knew what to do with himself sometimes, he was just afraid. Afraid of what was waiting for him and what it all would mean in the end, where this road would take them and if he'd like where he ended up. It felt wrong to be so scared. After all, Boris was in a clinic, he was getting help, wasn't that what counted?

''We're here. That'll be 20.'' the driver gruffed and extended a hand, his little machines blinking, making sounds that only served to stress Rei's nerves further.

With a hesitant sigh Rei handed the man his money, grabbed the door handle, braced himself and leapt out.

The walk to the clinic wasn't as far as the first time either. This time he made a deliberate attempt to walk slowly, drinking in every piece of the scenery just to have an excuse to linger. He looked at the dead flower beds peaking through the small heaps of snow, the footprints in the mud and the dead grass feeling air for the first time in months. There was a veranda where some men sat smoking, wearing caramel robes he assumed them to be patients. One of them waved pleasantly at him, for some reason it made Rei uncomfortable. But he waved back and even managed to slip in a wavering smile; after all, there was no point in being impolite.

Too soon for his liking had he reached the doors and within another moment he found himself standing in the lobby. His legs were mostly walking on their own accord by now, his body feeling mechanic, moving without his participation or concent. Rei figured that was for the best.

''Oh, hi!'' the same blonde nurse from the first time walked by, spotting him, instantly brightening up the room with a disturbingly wide smile. ''You're here to see Boris, I assume? I'm Soren, if you forgot!'''

Reis mouth formed a strange grimace.

''Hi'' he said and unzipped his jacket.

''I can take that for you, there's a wardrobe just around here!'' without waiting for permission he had grabbed the jacket and was happily urging Rei forward through the room. ''Boris is in the leisure room, it's just down the hall and to your left. I'll swing by in a few, just make yourself at home!''

The man had pushed him into the corridor and disappeared in a wink. Rei felt more and more disconcerted by the minute.

Despite his best efforts, he had reached the aforementioned room shortly and found it to be exactly where Soren had told him it would be. Large, helpful letters on the door spelled out ''Leisure is pleasure'' and with an odd snort Rei entered.

Looking around he found people strewn about seemingly randomly in couches and armchairs. Some were playing chess, others cards, someone was watching TV - the Hilary show, he noticed, feeling slightly calmer - and at one table a group of people just sat talking. He scanned the room for the familiar face and was mildly surprised about where he found him. It was by a small bookshelf that the lanky, grey haired man was positioned, flipping through a book rather unamused. Rei swallowed down his dread but it managed only to grow. Taking a deep breath he inched closer.

''What are you reading?''

Boris looked up, at first his eyes were hard and threatening, but they softened almost instantly as they noticed who had spoken, as if the man had expected someone else, someone much less appreciated.

''Rei'' he stated, frowning, thinking, then suddenly he remembered where he was and what day it was. ''Rei!''

Rei smiled, softer now, his dread giving away slowly as the old comfort the Russian strangely invoked in him spread. Boris put down the book and stood up, looking weirdly taller now when he had lost so much of his body mass. Rei let out a nervous little laugh, his legs suddenly feeling oddly fluid. Boris frowned at him, the grimace only deepening when Rei let go of his tension and hugged him. The Russian looked down at the man for a moment, before his frown weakened and he put a hand on the other's back.

''Missed me much, furball?'' that old grin that always made Rei's skin crawl appeared on the Russian's face and suddenly he felt much calmer.

Rei held on to him for another moment, not really caring about his former worries and questions - was this right? Was this appropriate? Did he really get to do this or was this right reserved for lovers? - and just happy he made the trip. He felt awfully guilty now for doubting in the first place. Letting go Rei looked at him, smile wavering, head tilted to the side.

''How... how are you? How have you been? Tell me everything!''

Boris scoffed.

''Calm down, kitten. I'm not going to disappear if you stop talking, you know.''

Rei laughed nervously, disturbingly.

''What are you reading?''

Boris cast a glance at the book, shrugging.

''Just some Tolstoy.''

Rei arched a disbelieving brow.

''You read Tolstoy?''

''Well, this is the last of his written, published works. When that's done I'm considering something else. Maybe Dostoevsky...''

Rei stared. He didn't see Boris as the book type, not that he thought him too stupid to read, it was just something he had never seen the man do. Boris hadn't even glanced at the Self help book for alcoholics he bought all that time ago. And Tolstoy, well, even Rei liked a good read and he had never mustered the energy for Tolstoy. Nodding, skeptically, he decided not to prod the matter lest he'd lose his mind.

''Uh huh.''

''How are you two doing?'' Soren had popped up out of nowhere, startling Rei but Boris had gotten used to it and merely glared. The blonde instantly shrank under the gaze, smiling nervously. ''Hey, Boris, why don't you show Rei around?''

''Why don't you fuck off?''

Soren's face stretched awkwardly.

''Maybe he would like to see the veranda? Or - ''

He didn't get to finish before Boris' eyes darkened, and the blonde quickly shut his mouth, turned on his heel and disappeared. Rei gave Boris a dead-pan stare, the other looking at him inquiringly.

''What?''

Rei sighed.

''I can't belive you, sometimes.''

''What? What did I do?''

Rei shook his head and grabbed the Russian's arm.

''There's no use telling you. It's like teaching a brick to float.''

''I'm not sure of what you're implying but I don't think I like it very much.''

''Come on, give me that tour.''

Boris gave him a thin look, but felt too numb in his head to muster a real, coherent train of thought. Instead the two began walking, Boris with great disinterest telling Rei what was what and what purpose it served, Rei not really listening but nodding as if he was. Instead he focused more of the feel of Boris' arm, the smell of him, the sound of his voice, taking joy in the fact that even if things were changing, Boris was still the same.

X

''So, what do you think of this place?''

The two were positioned in two chairs on the veranda, now devoid of people thanks to Boris' unpleasantness. Rei had acquired a cup of tea and sat sipping it, quiet and mellow in his actions. He was surprised himself at his collectedness. He had expected to cry or not even enter at all, but here he sat at a rehabilitation center, with his alcoholic ex, for whom he had complicated feelings and felt as if nothing was out of the ordinary at all. Which was a rather depressing insight, when he pondered it more deeply.

Boris just gave him a flat look. Rei sighed.

''Yeah, you're right. Stupid question. But still. You haven't left yet.''

Boris shrugged.

''No.''

Rei dared a sideway glance at him, hiding behind his cup as the question made him nervous.

''Are you... are you making any progress?''

''I don't know. No. Yes. I don't... It depends.''

''Depends?''

Boris growled.

''I haven't drunk a sip for... for two weeks, isn't it? I lose count. All the days seem like one in here.''

''Well, that's good but...''

''But will I manage it outside?''

Rei nodded weakly but said nothing. He felt it was a touchy subject to begin with and was surprised Boris hadn't ripped his head off yet. Another insight he didn't particularly like. He wasn't supposed to feel nervous about these things around Boris. If he couldn't feel completely safe a hundred percent of the time, what would they make as a couple? Not that he should be contemplating such matters in the first place .There were far more important things at hand than his love interest.

He was't even sure Boris wanted him anyway. Why would he? He was just whiny and insecure and such a pathetic person, even if Boris had felt for him sometime ago that person he used to be, that person Boris supposedly had grown to like, was dead and sure, little by little Rei felt the old self coming back but would it ever completely? For god's sake, he had been a teenager and teenagers changed. He wasn't supposed to be the same in his adulthood, that'd be insane.

And what if the new Rei wasn't lovable at all? Rei felt guilty for thinking this, because really, Boris had much more pressing matters to deal with. And he wasn't even sure if he could trust the man and trust was the building stone to all relationships. Would he ever grow to trust him again? Could he? Rei wasn't really sure anymore.

''Rei? Are you listening?'' Boris smacked the man loosely on the head, bringing Rei out of his musings.

''Huh? What? I'm... I'm sorry what did you say?''

Boris just glared.

''You're not listening.''

''I'm... no, I'm... uh... What?''

''Whatever. It wasn't important.''

The two sat in silence for a while, watching other patients stroll around the garden. They were playing soccer today, the players doing very poorly and mostly just slipping around in the snow. Rei knew he had to ask the question which was the main reason he had been so nervous all day, but he wasn't sure if he really wanted to. Boris seemed so calm and so... strangely normal. He didn't want to ruin the first peace the Russian seemed to have experienced in years.

Maybe it was the drugs, probably it was, but some part of Rei hoped that the therapy was working. That this place wasn't just another dead end. He hoped this was the right choice and even if he would love the man, stupid as he was, no matter how he left the place and who he was when he did, he hoped that this was a step forward and not, as so often was the case, three ones back.

''Boris'' Rei cleared his throat which had gotten awfully dry all of a sudden.

Boris looked at him questioningly, his eyes blood shot and yellow.

''I... Hilary called.''

Boris looked honestly surprised, but not the least bit impressed.

''Oh?''

''Yes.. She uh... she wondered if...'' he repositioned himself more comfortably in the chair, but his body still felt ill at ease. ''The guys have been thinking of a reunion and well... that's not really what I wanted to bring up just now but that's something I want to talk to you about too but...''

''Just spit it out.''

Rei flinched at the harshness of his voice, but at the same time took solace in it.

''She was wondering if we'd... uh... There have been rumors about your rehabilitation circulating online you see and well, Hilary is a bit mad at the press and well, personally I don't really care and I'm sure you don't either but she wanted to interview me about it all and set things straight and...'' Rei managed a shy glance at him. ''She was wondering if you wanted to come with me.''

Boris arched a brow, but gave no other emotional inidcation. Rei shifted uneasily in his seat, gulping down an unnessecarily large sip of tea, his heart fluttering awkwardly. Boris snorted.

''Is she flying in?''

Rei felt confused at the question.

''No... No, I think she wants us to fly in.''

''And we can afford that, I'm sure.''

Rei grimaced at the sarcasm.

''I suppose we'll work it out. I dunno. Don't studios often pay for those expenses?''

Boris shrugged. He remained silent, and Rei wasn't sure whether he was ignoring the subject or just thinking. He stared at the man for a few minutes, sipped his tea and waited. As more minutes passed and Boris didn't look like he was going to start speaking very soon, Rei cleared his throat for attention. Boris glanced at him and arched a brow.

''Soooo?'' Rei tried.

''So what?''

Rei glared.

''The interview?''

''What about it?''

Rei bit his teeth to stay polite.

''Will you join me or not?''

''I don't know. When is it?''

''It's... I don't know. She said if you wanted to come we could have it when you're released.''

Boris kept silent, looking at nothing in particular before he shrugged. He wondered how long the drugs were going to be given to him as he did not like their effects all too much. It was nice not to have to deal with the headache and the insomnia was a tiny bit manageable, he supposed, but they made him all too neutral and unresponsive. His brain covered in a fog only the never ending thirst seemed to cut through. He had good days and bad days and the cravings were lessening in force, but that churning feeling at the back of his head, that longing for self-destruction just wouldn't leave him alone. Boris wondered if it ever really would. Dr. Baba said it was normal and even when the physical addiction was gone the psychological could linger, and probably would, forever. It was a never ending struggle and sobriety was a full time project. Boris wasn't sure he had it in him to keep up that fight.

But he had to, didnt he? Not just for Rei's sake, but for everything. Without Rei his life wasn't all that much to put on a shelf and honestly, he didn't particularly mind the fact that if he kept up his habits he probably wouldnt live to see his thirtieth birthday. What was there for him, in the end? A job? He had no real interests. Even Beyblade hadn't been his idea and when Boris was free to do as he pleased he found the only thing he ever really felt like doing was drink. But with Rei it was diffetent. He wasn't sure just why Rei was all that special, he just knew he was and had learned long ago that it was useless to ponder. Rei was there and for some stupid reason Boris wanted him to be.

Boris was never going to change completely. He enjoyed people's suffering, he enjoyed being the cause of that torment and he enjoyed looking out for himself. But Rei was different, for some reason he wanted to protect the stupid idiot because he was obviously not doing a good job of it himself. He knew not why, all he knew was that when he woke up, he liked having Rei there next to him. He liked the way Rei would never drop things or the way he crinkled his nose when he tied his shoes. How concentrated he was when cooking and that weird, yelping sound he always made when he was about to fall, regaining his balance at the last second. Or how he thought out loud when planning things, his obsessive cleaning when upset. Boris enjoyed all of that and knew that even if it wasn't a good reason it was the only reason he had. Sure, if the two of them didn't make it, they could perhaps be friends. If they couldn't be friends, he really had nothing else going for him.

Dr. Baba had said he should get a hobby, that maybe he would surprise himself and find something else in life worth struggling for. Maybe some career he hadn't known he liked because he'd never tried it. Maybe studying something. Training, getting into another sport. Maybe there was someone else for him out there, she said, and Boris shouldn't quit because he never knew what awaited him around the corner. Those days Boris just stared at her hatefully. He had never wanted a partner, but for some reason Rei had weaseled his way into his life. He felt like a sappy idiot for thinking it, but he knew, somehow he just knew, that if it wasn't Rei then he didn't want it to be anyone else. To be honest, Boris had a hard time standing Rei most of the time and he sure as all hell couldn't stand anyone else.

He had enjoyed the solitude before him and he would rather pick the solitude after him. So what if they parted ways forever and Boris returned to his addiction and died? It really didn't matter for him. Boris knew he couldn't lead a proper life while drunk, knew he was reduced to a pathetic, miserable mess that he wouldn't condescend to spit at. He hated the person the addiction reduced him to, and that was a reason too. But without the alcohol, he hadn't much else going for him in life. Whatever happened, whether he and Rei would work it out or they wouldn't, whether Boris would drink himself to death or manage a solitary but sober life, he didn't really care either way. All he knew now was that Rei was there, and as long as Rei was, there was a chance. Because Boris Kuznetsov never gave up and for that reason he would try. Despite the painful cramps, despite the giant sore that they called his stomach, despite the insomnia, the nightmares and the tremors, despite the brain fog and the dryness of his mouth no water could soothe, he would try. Boris Kuznetsov was not one to be defeated and he would be damned if something as pathetic as a drink would.

If not for Rei, if not for his own life, then at least for his unhealthily large pride.

''Boris?''

Boris hadn't noticed he had disappeared into his head for so long. When Rei slammed his cup down on the table with a little more force than intended, Boris gave him a fogged look.

''Hm?''

''Will you accompany me or not?''

''Uh...'' Boris wasn't sure what they were talking about, he was too tired to really care. ''Yeah. Sure. Whatever.''

Rei looked surprised and didn't bother to hide it.

''You will?''

''Yes, yes, I will'' Boris waved his hand dismissingly. Not sure what he had just agreed to, but whatever it was it couldn't be worse than anything else they had done together. ''How long are you staying?''

Rei was surprised at the question.

''Uh... I don't know. I'm allowed to be here for another two hours. Why?''

''Just thought...'' he smirked, something that made Rei very wary. ''You haven't seen my room yet.''

Rei snorted.

''You do know that what you're thinking is against the rules and they will throw you out if they find out.''

Boris smirked.

''Hey now, rule breaking is what makes it hot.''

Rei laughed.

''Yeah, right. Keep dreaming.''

''You never want to have any fun.''

Rei looked at him, regarded him, fondly for a moment. From his dreadful hair and his wrecked appearance to his sharp eyes and strong jaws, he spent a moment just drinking it in. Suddenly he was very glad he had decided to come.

''You focus on completing your therapy and when you get home we can discuss fun.'' Rei frowned. ''What's up with your hair anyway?''

''What about my hair?''

''You look like a porn star. All that's missing is the moustache and satin jacket.''

Boris glared.

''Oh, so when your hair is long it's masculine and nice but when I have it I look like a porn star?''

Now it was Rei's turn to smirk.

''You know what? Next time I come I'll bring a pair of scissors. We can't have you looking like that now.''

''Oh, can't we?''

''No. What will people say Boris? That I'm shacking up with a porn star? Oh, think of the people.''

''Oh, yeah, that's the worst they've been saying.''

Rei said nothing and instead returned to his tea.

X

As Rei returned home he felt strangely at ease. The ride didn't take too long and the whole time he was cushioned in a soft, comforting feeling that maybe it was all going to turn out alright. It didn't matter at the moment, really, and frankly he did not want to ponder it as he was quite liking this nice mood he was in. It had gone well over his expectations and even if a drugged up Boris was a strange, creepy Boris, it was still the Russian had had missed. Still, as he returned home he started to second guess his decision. When the large empty hallway opened its dark, gaping jaws at him, and the sound of his shoes hitting the floor echoed for just a second too long, the loneliness and missing came back. Maybe if he hadn't gone he wouldn't have missed the man as much. Maybe he would have. There was no way to tell now, really. Taking off his jacket he knew he should get working on the kitchen.

So brining out the cleaning supplies, the lemon scented detergents, the flower print rags and the mop and the sanitizer spray that made him sneeze, he pulled on the pink gloves, put his hair into a knot and got to work. If Boris had seen him that moment he was sure he would have laughed, if not at the girly hairpins, at least at the frilly apron. Rei smiled weakly at the thought. He had cleaned the kitchen soon enough - after all, it was spotless from the previous day - so he got to work with the rest of the apartment. Normally he only enjoyed cleaning Boris', but since Boris didn't have one and he was about to start climbing the walls, he started his mission on getting the place spotless. He was glad neither Kai nor Yuriy was there lest they'd have him institutionalized.

But he was only halfway through the bedroom when the phone rang. Rei had gotten immensely popular as of late, much like when the reporters had hounded him but it was much more appreciated this time around. He threw off the gloves and stood up, walking over on stiff legs and aching knees he checked the display only to be confused at the number. It was nothing he recognized, but it was foreign, so it couldn't be someone too scary.

''Kon Rei'' he answered, habitually

''Hey, Rei!'' It was Hilary, sounding stressed but cheerful. ''How are ya feeling?''

''Hey, Hil! I'm uh... I'm good'' he wiped his forehead of sweat and sat down on the bed. ''What's up? How are you?''

''Oh, oh, I'm fine, I'm just - '' he heard a crash and something shattering, something undoubtedly expensive sounding. ''I'm just cooking. Pryce isn't home and you know... ah. Never mind. What are you up to?''

''I'm cleaning.'' As he heard another crash and a string of colourful, Japanese curse words he felt a little worried. ''Hil, are you sure you shouldn't just order takeout?''

''Oh, don't get smart with me, mister! Ah, god damn it!'' another Japanese string of bad words fell through the phone, and even though Rei did not understand them they made him feel slightly uneasy. Hilary always had been scary when angered. ''These fucking eggs! God damn it all! Who puts up with this? How do women do this every day?''

''Men do it too and we do just fine, mind you''

''Oh, you know what I mean. Wait a second.'' There was ruffling on the other end, followed by some metallic slammering and stomping, until after a very long, very tense silence Hilary spoke up again. ''So! I'm here''

''I was starting to worry you had died.''

''Rei, you know you're not making it very easy to like you just now.''

''Sorry.'' He grinned, even if she couldn't see it. ''What was on your mind?''

''My mind? Oh! Yes, yes that. I called to ask you how it went today.. You were visiting Boris today, right?''

''Oh'' Rei looked troubled for a moment, pursing his mouth as his throat felt oddly crowded. ''Yeah, it went fine, actually. He... uh, he seemed well. Or, well, well enough for his condition, I suppose. He told me he's going to request being taken off his meds soon so... I'm a little worried about that.''

''What meds are he on then? Is he going to go cold turkey?''

''I dunno. I think it's some sleeping pills and something for his alcoholism. I think they give it to bulimics... something about impulse control and... you know what, never mind.''

Hilary's voice was sympathetic, but not pitying, as she spoke next. ''Sorry, it ain't really my business. I just worry about you two.''

''Yeah, I do too.''

She was silent for a moment, during which Rei's stomach hardened.

''Hey'' she said then, perking up. ''Did you ask him about the interview?''

''Uh... yeah... Though I'm not sure how much attention he was really paying.''

''Well, what did he say?''

''He said yes more or less but he wondered how we were going to get to America, and I'm wondering that too actually. I'm a bit short on the funds right now.''

''Oh, don't worry about that!'' Hilary cackled evilly. ''The studio pays for all expenses.''

''Really?'' Rei's brows escaped further up his forehead. ''I don't want you to pay for me if...''

''Don't worry, Rei. How do you think I afford my kick-ass car?'' As it wasn't really a question he had only time to open his mouth before she cut him off. ''Besides, our ratings will just improve a bunch. People are very interested in you guys.''

Rei scoffed.

''I wish they weren't.''

Hilary made a thoughtful pause.

''Rei, are you sure you want to go through with this? Because you know you don't have to, right? I just want what's best for you.''

He knew she meant well but something about the way she said it made the anger stir inside him. He was just so tired of being pitied and treated like no one thought he could take care of himself at all. He felt like some small child in a world of other children pushing him around. Rei was mad, not really at other people, but more so at himself for ever sinking so low that people ever thought they would have to take care of him.

''It's fine'' he said, maybe a bit too curtly, and added in a much softer tone ''I want to do it. And I want to see you again.''

''Oh, why didn't you just say so, stud? We could have arranged something earlier.''

Rei didn't know what to answer, so he just gave her a little weird laugh. Somehow he just knew she was eyeing the phone warily.

''In any case, when is he out of the clinic? I could tell my agents and assitants to make the arrangements, and we'll get you a flight whenever it suits you and you can either stay with me or we'll treat you to a hotel suite. Besides, it'd be good to know if we could put the reunion somewhere along that date.''

''Well...'' Rei wasn't sure just how to ask this, he didn't want to intrude but the opportunity was laid out for him. It was hard to resist such an offer. ''If it's not too much trouble I'd like to ... uh, well...''

''You want to live with us? Really?'' he heard her make what sounded very much like a victory dance, squealing silently to herself. ''Oh, this is going to be so much fun, Rei! And you can meet Pryce and I can meet Boris and it will be so great and we can all go out for dinner - ''

''Not home cooked I hope''

''Do you want me to smack you? Because I will fly over there and I will smack you so hard you're going to be seeing other star systems.''

Rei laughed.

''I'm sorry. I'd love to eat whatever you offer.''

''Great! So it's a deal then?''

''It's a deal. And to answer your question, he supposedly gets out around February.''

''Have you asked him about the reunion?''

Rei bit his lip and suck in a harsh breath.

''Uhhh... well, I figured it was better just not to ask him and when it's too late lure him there. Somehow.''

''You could always ask him before he goes off the drugs.''

''Hilary!''

''What? When Pryce broke his leg just some months ago and he was on a buttload of Vicodin, I asked him all kinds of things I hadn't dared ask before that and it went by just fine!''

''Yeah, but Pryce isn't a psychotic Russian.''

''Oh, come on, Boris isn't psychotic. He's just a little rough around the edges.''

''That's very rough and that's more than just the edges.'' Rei sighed. ''I'll work it out. We'll see you there. I'll even try to bring along Kai and the rest.''

''Oooh, awesome! Hey, I got the White Tiger's too. That's gonna be so great!''

Rei's face hardened instantly.

''Is Mao going to be there?''

''Yeah, why? You guys fighting or what?''

''It's... she's just not very happy on me... being gay and all.''

''Ooooooh'' Hilary sucked in a breath. ''Well, if you ask me I always thought she was a stuck up bitch.''

''I... am not entirely certain how to respond to that.''

''Eh. I have to go anyways, something's burning...''

Rei frowned.

''Should I worry?''

''Oh, you know me. I always come out on top! Anyway, I'll...'' there were strange noises until what sounded like a fire alarm went off. ''Errrr... yeah, I have to go now. Talktoyoulaterseeyabyekisses!''

And then the conversation ended with an abrupt click as Hilary hung up the phone. Rei glanced at the phone in worry for a moment, wondering if he should call 911 or the fire department. Saving the number to his cellphone, he sent away a text message asking Hilary to message him if she had survived the ordeal. When a few minutes later recieved a sarcastic ''haha rly funny'', he let out a sigh of relief and felt like he could go back to his cleaning. After all, those dust bunnies weren't going to clean up themselves.

X

He was in hell. That could be the only reasonable explanation for what was going on, for why he was feeling like the miserable, washed up piece of trash he was. Like some sort of fish washed upon the shore, sand biting at his skin and saltwater seeping into the wounds. His head was pounding. This was ridiculous. He hadn't gone cold turkey, the doctors had adviced him against it. He had only changed medicine and gone off some of hem. The pills for the impulses, they were different, he couldn't tell quite yet if they were working as only days had passed but they sure weren't making him feel very pleasant at the moment. Or maybe it was the waning off of the sleeping pills, he wasn't sure. All he knew was that he felt like he was almost back where he started, cold sweat and hot flushes, walking through the corridors like a ghost as a veil of pain laid across his eyes. Boris didn't know what he had done to deserve this. Or, that was a lie. He knew very well, could come up with a number of reasons as to why he should suffer. Maybe when this was all over - if it was ever really over - he would forgive himself, finally. Maybe none of this torture could ever weigh up for what he had done.

Boris looked around him, rabid to the feel and baring his teeth he felt sick. Sick in the mind and the body and all the healthy people around him made him hungry. He had been too quiet too long, subjugated by their pills and their techniques. Well, he had seen through their plans and he was not going to fall for it now. No longer was he their puppet, no longer could they control him. He wanted to hurt them all so very bad. He wanted to crush their little skulls and hear them crack like eggs in a frying pan. He wanted their weak skin to tear and their flesh to bruise. He wanted to smell their fear, smell their pain and take joy out of it. Somewhere deep inside of him he knew he should calm down, but he was too far gone to listen to that voice right now. He didn't want to listen.

He had done that enough already. It was finally time for some action, time for some bloodshed and maybe finally, for the first time, some real peace.

X

He turned his head, slowly, painfully. The pain, the fog, it was all too thick for him to fully comprehend. His surroundings were blurry, much like his memory. What had happened? His eyes fluttered, fell and reopened, something distant in his eyes as he swept the room with his tired gaze. He tried to move but something restrained him; something hard and leathery to the touch. He had not time to dwell on it. Had not the energy.

There was someone else in the room. Someone tall and broad and something blonde. He couldn't recognize it instantly but knew by heart that he lotathed both the forms hovering above him. He wet his lips, his throat scrunched up in a dryness that was unbearable. He was so thirsty. So tired. So sleepy. What was going on? His head hurt so much, a ringing in his ear painfully reminded him to stay put.

''Mr. Kuznetsov?'' a voice, a female voice, tuned in and out of his range of hearing. ''Mr. Kuznetsov, can you hear me?''

Boris glanced in her direction. She looked large and bulky, he could not find a name to place with her face but he knew that they knew each other and he also knew he did not like her.

''Do you know what happened?''

Boris looked away. He didn't want to be here with them. He wanted to be somewhere else, somewhere far away and pleasant. He didn't want to deal with any of them, he was done dealing with people who knew nothing. He just wanted to go home. Wherever that was he was not certain, but it was somewhere close. Not as much a question of where as of with whom. But he was too tired to ask questions. He knew he would never like the answers to them.

''Hrg...'' he mumbled, his tongue heavy and useless. ''I wun gra...''

''What?'' the large woman looked confused, hestitant to lean closer but finding she had no other choice. ''What did you say?''

''I... wann...'' Boris coughed. ''... go home.''

A grim shadow fell over her face and she leaned back with a look of utmost disappointment.

''I'd rather you didn't. We have so much to go through.''

''Shudup... I wanna... Ngh...'' he groaned as a small tremor of pain shot through him. ''Wanna go home.''

The two professionals shared a look with each other, Soren saying nothing as he left with an understanding nod. Dr. Baba looked at Boris, shaking her head with a little sigh. A sigh that felt so judging.

''Mr. Kuznetsov, I don't think that would be very wise of you. You have too much to go through before leaving here, in this state there is no way you would be able to successfully stay sober on the outside.''

''Shut up'' Boris mumbled, not wanting to have her there anymore as the mere sound of her voice irritated him. Instead he began speaking in Russian, refusing to say anything else to anyone who would try to convince him so.

After an hour Boris still hadn't been cooperative. He turned silent and motionless eventually, staring at nothing and everything all at once. Curled up on the bed he seemed not to notice, or perhaps simply not care about, anything around him. Soren tried shaking him gently, telling him he had his roomate on the phone, but the Russian would not stir.

He simply lay, waiting. Shut down as to not participate in this deranged, pathetic charade anymore. Stop pretending he could do this. Stop pretending to be normal, like he ever really could be. He was a lost cause and he knew it and this place was a waste of his time. He wanted to go home, and he would go home and until that he wouldn't swallow anymore of their lies and their stories. Boris wanted nothing more to do with them. He was so tired. Just too tired to care. He wanted to sleep, in a warm bed with a warm chest somewhere beside him. Lay his aching head on a soft pillow, close his eyes and forget the monster in his head ever really existed.

And in turn, maybe the monster would forget all about him.