Heidbrier
Germania 983 b.c
As time went on, I started becoming accustomed to Heidbrier. I still missed home and still refused to speak to Lord Heidbrier if I didn't need to. I would answer him when he spoke to me, but no more than that. Even after all this time, I hated him for what he did. I still didn't forgive Sören for it either, but I at least respected him. Sören knew what he'd done had hurt me and he knew he'd pay for that forever. But he did at least try to make up for it.
I never wanted to, but I realized I was beginning to rely on him. He would always talk to me about his day and ask about mine and he tried to make me laugh and I had come to greatly appreciate the effort and appreciated it even more when one of his jokes were funny. I knew that kind of stuff wasn't easy for him. The morning after we were married, I assumed, must have been the first time he'd smiled in a long time, let alone laughed.
Even now, Germaine made no effort to like me. She would speak to me whenever she came over to tell Sören something, but no more. When she spoke to me then, she only said hello, and it was only out of respect to Sören. I also avoided Sören's brothers as much as possible. Sometimes, they would give me suspicious stares or look at me like they were planning something and it always made me really nervous. Those looks only became stranger the longer I stayed. It wasn't long before I got slightly taller. That was only the summer after I'd come to Heidbrier. I didn't get any taller after that and it made me reach up to Sören's shoulder.
Two summers later, my chest started to grow too. It was very similar to the way my mother had looked. And my hips got wider too. It was a while before I myself noticed it. Everyone else noticed it immediately I'm sure. But it never really crossed my mind. Sören never said anything about it, so I didn't worry. One day, I was with Aleida at the river getting some water when she brought up Lord Heidbrier.
"Heidi, dear." I looked at her from the river.
"Yeah, Aunty." Aleida looked nervous and sighed.
"I've got some……aggravating, I guess you could say, news."
"What's wrong?" Aleida looked me over a moment then breathed before answering.
"Well, Heidi, since you've come to us, you've started to……oh how do I put this?........you've..grown. There we go. You've grown. And you've grown a great deal."
"Is there something wrong?" Aleida breathed deeply again.
"Well, when you came to us….let's be honest, you were a little girl. So, Kraus, Lord Heidbrier, wasn't too concerned with you not getting pregnant right away." I stiffened. Now I knew what she was talking about and now I was just as uncomfortable as her.
"He wants me and Sören to have a baby?" Aleida nodded.
"Yeah. I promise he's already addressing Sören about this. And I'm telling you now so as to avoid an uncomfortable conversation between you and Sören. I imagine you two haven't……coupled yet, am I right?" I shook my head.
"Never."
"That's what I thought. I mean, at least a few years ago, Sören was able to just tell Kraus that he wasn't physically attracted to you yet and it would take time before you two tried. But he can't use that excuse anymore. And Kraus isn't going to take, 'we don't want to have sex', as an answer." I sighed.
"But we don't. At least, I don't. And Sören never expressed any immediate desire to." Aleida shook her head.
"Sorry, honey, but that's not an excuse Kraus will take." I sighed again.
"Maybe we could tell him we've been trying but I still am not with child. He's already murdered my village. What more could he do to me?"
"Kill you?" I smiled a little.
"That wouldn't be so bad, Aunty."
"Now I'll have none of that talk, Heidi. Sören has proved to be a good husband to you, as I said he would and I've accepted you as my niece as has my husband and we all think the world of you. I won't have you talking about being happy to die."
"I'm sorry, Aunty." Aunty nodded her head and finally smiled again.
"Good. Now I've told you what Kraus is telling Sören. Hopefully the little conversation you two will be forced to have tonight will be slightly less uncomfortable."
I smiled and nodded my head, thanking Aleida for her help. Aleida ordered me, sweetly of course, to stay at the river and take a bath before going home. I did as she said and cleaned myself as thoroughly as possible before going home. When I got back, Sören still wasn't home. Not surprising, I suppose. They should've been hunting right now. The hot summer sun always weighed heavily on our meats, so it was wise to get as much as possible to make sure the food we ate wasn't bad.
When I was home, I started doing some tidying up to pass the time. I wasn't sure how many people in the village knew about Lord Heidbrier and his need for another heir and I didn't plan to take criticism or be teased about it. But of course, Sören's brothers would jump at the chance to tease me, so shortly after I got home, I heard someone enter my tent and looked over my shoulder to see Kilian and Isidor walk in with big smirks on their faces.
"Did Sören give you guys permission to come in?" Kilian raised an eyebrow at me and Isidor laughed a little.
"That's hardly a way for you to talk to us."
"I'm only asking because I know Sören doesn't usually like it when you guys let yourselves in. I'm merely making sure no one gets in trouble." Kilian shrugged.
"What he doesn't know won't hurt him. He's still talking to father, so we've got time." I sighed.
"In that case, what did you come over to talk about?" Isidor laughed again and Kilian responded.
"Do we need a reason to talk to our dear sister?" I looked at both of them cautiously a moment. Neither of them had anything in their hands, so that was a bit of a relief. But even without weapons, they could be up to something for all I know. It wasn't beyond them to tease and pester me when Sören was unavailable.
"I suppose not." Isidor grinned.
"That's more like it." Then Isidor and Kilian took seats at the pit across from me and Isidor never lost his grin. "So, I hear father's getting upset with you and Sören." I tried to not let myself look annoyed with them. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction.
"He just wants a grandchild is all. Nothing to be alarmed about." Kilian shrugged and spoke next.
"Normally no. But here's the thing. You and Sören have been married for a long time now. We just passed the seventh winter of your marriage if I recall correctly." Isidor nodded.
"That's certainly more than enough time to have a child. And after so long without results, you can only assume that you're either incapable of having children, or he's incapable, or you're simply not trying. You can understand why father would be concerned." I sighed.
"I understand his concerns, yes. But I can assure you that there's nothing to be worried about. I'm sure Sören and I will have a child soon if that will make Lord Heidbrier happy." Kilian shook his head.
"Why are you so formal? Call him father, Heidi. He calls you daughter after all." I was silent. I didn't want to tell them the real reason. I would never think of Lord Heidbrier as a father and refused to address him as such.
"It slips my mind, I'm afraid." Isidor laughed a little.
"I understand. A woman's mind is so fleeting at times." Then Kilian spoke.
"But, of course, even your dense, female brain can remember to address a person as they've asked you to." I shrugged.
"Like you said. A woman's mind is fleeting." They looked a little aggravated after I said that. I held back a smile, proud of myself for being able to stand my ground against them.
"True. Try to remember to call him father from now on. It would make him very happy if you did." I smiled at them, making it look sincere, even if it wasn't.
"I will certainly try." They both nodded their heads at me. I then heard the door to our tent being moved aside and I smiled in relief when Sören came in. he immediately looked at his brothers and wasn't pleased to see them.
"I never said you could come in here." Kilian and Isidor stood from their spots, Isidor taking on the role of speaker.
"We shouldn't need your permission, runt. But we apologize for coming at a bad time. We know you and your wife have a lot to talk about." I saw Isidor wink and Sören kept staring him down.
"That's true, we do have a lot to talk about. So if you would kindly get the fuck out of my house, I would like to start said conversation with my wife."
Kilian and Isidor laughed a little and nodded their heads before leaving. When they were gone, Sören closed the door and walked over to the fire pit and took a seat next to me. He didn't say anything at first. I could understand why. Even though I had hard feelings about what happened with my family, Sören and I had become friends. But we certainly didn't think of each other in a romantic sense, even after all these years. I think the idea of doing such a thing seemed odd and out of place. When he finally spoke, he was composed, though I'm sure it took everything in him to be that way.
"Aunty already told you, didn't she?" I nodded my head.
"Yeah, she told me." Sören breathed out and nodded his head. "So….does that mean we're going to start….trying?" Sören sighed too.
"We have to. If I try and claim that we can't seem to get pregnant, he just get mad and make me try with someone else. In truth, I'd rather not do that." I smiled.
"I understand." We sat there in silence a moment, neither of us looking at each other. I finally spoke with as calm a voice as I could do. "So……..when should we start?" I saw Sören's cheeks turn a little red. Mine did too. This was so strange.
"As soon as possible I guess. Maybe tonight."
"That should work."
We didn't say anything more after that. The atmosphere was really awkward and uncomfortable as it was. Neither of us wanted to make it worse by trying to talk to each other. Sören left to do something else while I stayed and cleaned a few things and got ready to make dinner. I did as much work as I could to keep my mind off tonight. In plain truth, I had no idea what we'd be doing. All I knew was that it was a little more intimate than I wanted to be. I was hoping he would at least know what he was doing so he could do most of the work.
Sören didn't come home until the sun had already set and dinner had been ready for a long time. When he came back, he went straight for his food, not saying a word to me. I didn't say anything to him either. We sat at the pit in silence eating our dinner, which wasn't as hot as I would like because of having to wait so long. When we were finished eating, I took the plates and cleaned them while Sören went straight to bed.
"Heidi." I looked at Sören when he called my name. He was laying in bed staring at the top with his hands behind his head.
"Yes, Sören?" He took a deep breath before answering me.
"We better start. Come to bed as soon as you're done, alright?" I sighed a little to myself, trying to stay calm, and nodded my head.
"I'll be there in a minute."
I started working a little more slowly after that. I was hoping to prolong having to go over there as much as possible. I think he was relieved about that. But when I was done with everything, I took a deep breath and walked over to bed and laid down next to him. He didn't pull me closer to him or hold me or try to make any form of contact with me. He just sat there and stared at the ceiling. I didn't disturb him. When he finally spoke, he was forcing composure I could tell. He was just as uncomfortable as I was.
"Okay. Let's just do it and get this over with." I nodded.
"Do you know how to do this?" He nodded. "Have you done this before?" He nodded again.
"Twice. Though I didn't have much of a relationship with either of them like I have with you. So it wasn't weird like it is now."
"I know what you mean. So how does this work?" He took in a deep breath, then breathed out.
"No one ever explained this to you?" I shook my head. Then he breathed out again, but it was even more uncomfortable. "I don't really know how to explain this to you. I know it'll hurt the first time, but that's about all I can tell you without getting into gory details."
"Then let's just do it. I won't ask questions."
"That sounds like a good idea."
With that, Sören breathed out and lifted himself in a sitting position before turning and resting his hands on either side of my face. I closed my eyes when he started moving. Looking at him only made the situation more awkward. I heard him move so our chests were closer together and his lips were suddenly on mine. The kiss was shy and unsure. I lifted my head up slightly to encourage him not to be shy. That would only make this take longer.
When I lifted my head up a little, he took the opportunity to make the kiss a little more intimate and took my bottom lip in his mouth. One of his hands went to my chest and squeezed gently as he did so. I realized the sensation wasn't unpleasant. It was kind of nice. I brought my hands up and rested them on his elbows as he kissed me. Then I brought my hands to his chest because he decided to rest his weight on his right elbow. The hand on my chest started moving further down until it reached my leg and forced it to bend and rest against his hip.
The action surprised me and made me gasp. That's when I felt his tongue pass through my lips and started trailing around my teeth and the roof of my mouth. Once again, the action wasn't unpleasant. It made me want to hold him closer. So I brought my arms up and wrapped them around his neck. This made him move slightly closer to me and put a little more of his weight on me. This didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. It was still strange, but not so horrible that I couldn't bare it.
The hand that was on my leg trailed up until it moved my dress aside and he rested all his weight on my lower body. Then he took his lips from mine and kissed my neck. His kisses trailed down further and stopped only when they reached the neckline of my dress. I breathed in slowly as he kissed me. I think I was even smiling, if only just a little.
"Heidi."
"Yes, Sören?" In response, I heard fabric being moved, but my eyes were still closed. I didn't look up until he gave me one small kiss and started talking.
"Hold onto me. It'll make it hurt a little less." I nodded my head and he kissed me one last time before I did as he said and held onto him even tighter with both of my legs up cradling his hips.
Without a single warning, he moved forward and I felt something enter me. It wasn't so bad at first. But it was no time before I felt like I'd been stabbed. I gasped from the pain and cried a little bit. Sören rested his head on my shoulder and kissed my neck, trying to sooth me I imagine. I felt a tear escape my eye and Sören brushed it away.
"It's alright, Heidi. The pain will go away soon. Just give it a moment." I couldn't accomplish anymore than a nod of acknowledgement that I'd heard him.
I breathed in and out slowly trying to make the pain subside. Sören was still, waiting for me to adjust to what we were doing. I held on tightly the whole time I felt the pain. It ebbed the feeling a bit. Eventually, the pain was finally starting to go away and my grip on him loosened to a more comfortable hold. Even then, he still waited for me. Finally, I took in a deep breath and nodded my head.
"Okay. It doesn't hurt anymore."
"Alright. Let's try to stay quiet. I don't want to disturb anyone." Once again, I only nodded, letting him know that I'd heard what he said.
Then he began to move. It was a simple movement that was repetitive and otherwise, uneventful. But it was really nice. It was uncomfortable, but in an odd way, that's what made it feel good in the first place. Sören kept his face buried in my shoulder the whole time he was moving. I brought my hands to his hair and held on, not sure what else there was to do. The more he moved, the more the sensation was increasing in vitality. I was biting down of my lip, trying to remain as silent as I possibly could while he moved. He did the same by grinding his lips onto my neck and sucking.
It wasn't long before I felt like I was floating. I couldn't seem to think anymore. I didn't see the point in thinking at the moment nor did I really want to. After several minutes, he picked up the pace even further and what few thoughts I had were gone. All I could do was feel what was happening. After a time, I felt my body start to tighten and it was maddening, but it still felt lovely. Sören's hold on me began to tighten to an almost uncomfortable extent and his breathing was getting heavier. I noticed mine was too. Eventually, the tightening in my stomach snapped and the feeling made me gasp in a harsh breath. Sören groaned into my neck and I felt something else inside me.
He stayed where he was for a moment breathing heavily, then starting to calm. My breathing pattern matched his. His lips finally left my neck and he licked that spot once before taking himself off me completely and landing on his back right next to me. My eyes were still fused shut with my hands rested above my head after falling from his shoulders. Moments passed in silence. Only the sound of our breathing filled the air and the sound of fabric being put back into place. I didn't open my eyes until he spoke.
"That wasn't so bad." I smiled a little and nodded my head.
"I imagined it would've been." He laughed a little.
"It doesn't help that you didn't really know what we were doing I guess."
"Certainly not." He smiled a little then looked at me from the ceiling with that same kind smile on his face.
"Go to Aunty tomorrow and ask her what we should expect. I may know how to make a baby, but I have no idea what the process is." I nodded.
"I know that at times, it's uncomfortable." Sören laughed a little.
"Not surprising since you're getting a huge bump in a short period of time." I smiled and nodded. Then Sören scooted closer to me and took me into his arms. My hands rested against his chest while his chin took a spot on top of my head. Then he rolled so I was on top. "Sleep tight, Heidi. Remember to talk to Aunty tomorrow." I nodded.
"Yes, Sören. Good night."
We both fell asleep a little less awkwardly than I thought we would. The next morning when I woke up, like always, Sören wasn't there. He always left early to go hunting. But something was out of the ordinary. This time, there was a large collection of tiny white flowers. Baby's Breath. A smiled and lifted myself out of bed and took the baby's breath. It was supposed to be good luck to give a woman baby's breath if she wanted to get pregnant. And like usual, Sören left out some dried meat for breakfast, so I had some before getting the large bucket and taking it with me to the river to get water. When I saw Aleida, she smiled at me and I smiled back.
"You look to be in a good mood this morning." I smiled and blushed a little.
"Sören put baby's breath next to our bed. I thought it was a sweet gesture." Aleida raised her eyes in surprise.
"He did, did he?" I nodded. "Well, that is sweet of him. Last night must not have been as bad as you thought it would be." I shook my head.
"Not at all. It hurt at first, but once it stopped hurting, it was okay. He wanted me to ask you what we should expect. And I think he wants to know how long it'll be before we know I'm pregnant." Aleida shrugged.
"Every woman is different, Heidi. For me, I started getting sick when I was with child. Germaine felt like she was always hungry and would crave dried meat all the time. Other women never even knew they were pregnant until they saw a little bump that wasn't there before." I sighed.
"So there's no way of knowing for sure until I see a bump?" Aleida looked guilty as she smiled.
"For the most part, I'm afraid."
"Well that's not good." Aleida laughed a little at the tone in my voice.
"Don't worry, Heidi. Just keep trying until you know for sure. At least if you two are having sex, you know you're trying." I smiled a little and followed after Aleida to the river.
Once we all had the water we needed, I went home and started cleaning around the house. I kept the baby's breath on the bed for good luck. Later in the day, I made a trip to Germaine's house to get something Sören had wanted. She handed me a large pile of fur and kicked me out. I smiled when I realized it was rabbit's fur. White. When I got home, I resisted the urge to do anything with it. I wasn't sure what he wanted me to do with it, exactly. And it wasn't quite cold enough outside to need fur. If anything, it was a comfortable temperature with the sun shining brightly in the sky.
When everything was done and I had nothing left to do, I went to Aleida's tent and spent most of the day with her. Steffen was out for the day like the men usually were, so it was just her and me. I helped her out with a few things and we talked about things in general. Then she asked me a question that took me off guard a bit.
"So, Heidi. Have you and Sören talked much about children since last night?" I was silent a moment before finally shaking my head.
"No, not really. He just told me to ask you what to expect." Aleida smiled.
"That's a shame. You two need to talk a little more about it. There's nothing more difficult than bringing a child into this world and having no idea what you're doing or what to name them." I smiled and nodded.
"You're right as always, Aunty. What do you think we should name the baby?" Aleida shook her head.
"Oh no, that's between you and Sören. I convinced Kraus not to name any of his children after him because it was unneeded confusion and he still hates me for it."
"It's not your fault he listened to you." Aleida laughed to herself and nodded.
"Very true. But I'm only a short but younger than him. We grew up together and we were a little closer than the rest of our siblings, so he takes my opinions more into consideration. Well, I should say he used to. Now, he tends to do whatever the hell he wants with little to no input from me or anyone else."
"Why would that be?" Aleida shrugged.
"Who knows? My guess is that he felt like he needed to be independent after father died and he took over as Lord. Falk was born a short time before our father died."
"I'm sorry to hear that." Aleida's smile never faltered. It never ceased to amaze me that she always seemed to be smiling.
"He lived a long life and was a good father and husband. That's all any child can really hope for from a parent. I only wish he'd lived long enough to see his grandchildren. I think Sören's brothers might not have been so cruel to him growing up if father had been around. He never tolerated violence like that between brothers."
"I wish I could've met him." Aleida giggled.
"Me too, Heidi. He would've adored you."
I smiled a little more and tried to picture Sören's grandfather. He must've been a big guy, just like his other relatives. The only thing that made Sören look any less frightening compared to his family was the fact that he had no beard and his hair was short. A few hours later, I heard the tent door open and looked over to see Steffen. Sören was standing close behind him and smiled at me as I did to him and Steffen.
"Welcome home, Steffen. How did hunting go today?"
"Nothing new. We caught a few deer like usual. I wasn't able to find many white rabbits. Three was the most I caught. But I'll look again tomorrow." Aleida smiled at Steffen.
"Thank you, Steffen." Then Steffen looked at me and smiled kindly again.
"Hello, Heidi. Have you been here all day?" I shrugged.
"More or less. I hope I'm not being a bother." Steffen laughed and shook his head.
"You're never a bother, Heidi. It's always a pleasure to have you here." He took off some of his weaponry as did Sören and walked over to the pit with me and Aleida and sat next to her. Sören took a spot next to me. "By the way, Heidi, my wife tells me you and Sören are planning to have a baby soon." Sören smiled and I smiled a little too.
"That's the plan. It seems like the right time." Steffen nodded.
"And it would be nice to get Kraus off your back I imagine. He's so pushy at times." I remained silent and let Sören answer to that statement.
"That's father I suppose. He just wants to make sure that I go into Lordship with a ready heir is all." Steffen nodded.
"It's always good to have one ready. You never know what might happen to you later." We both nodded and smiled a little strangely before we started eating the dinner me and Aleida made.
After dinner, Sören and I said goodbye and went back to the tent. We didn't talk on the way home. It was just a comfortable silence. When we got back, I walked over to the rabbit fur and held a little of it up so he knew what I was bringing to attention.
"Is there anything specifically you want me to do with these?" He smiled a little and looked away a moment.
"That's a gift from mother to use to make the baby's blanket. And she said that having rabbit fur in our tent would be good luck too, rabbits being as fertile as they are." I laughed a little at his joke.
"That's true. So I can start working on that whenever?" He nodded.
"Yeah, start whenever. If you want to wait until we know you're pregnant, that's alright too."
"I'll start it tomorrow. The sooner we have it done, the better. It's better to be over prepared than not at all." He nodded.
"True." Sören and I were quiet again. I decided to move the fur to another spot to give myself something to do. I heard Sören start walking away to another part of the tent. Probably to bed. "Did you like the baby's breath?" I looked at him when I put everything down and saw him standing next to the bed and looking at the flowers.
"Yes, I did. That was very sweet of you, thank you." He shook his head.
"You don't need to thank me. If anything, I should be thanking you." I gave him a surprised looked. He noticed and smiled a little. "Is it so strange that I would want to thank you?" I shook my head.
"No, not at all. I just don't know what there is to thank me for." He smiled wider and walked over to me. He spoke when he was standing right in front of me.
"There's a lot for me to thank you for. The day of our wedding, I played a part in the death of your family. But despite that, you gave me a chance and didn't give me shit for it. You didn't deserve that and I would've understood if you were a massive bitch about it, but you weren't. And not only did you not give me a hard time, you became something I never imagined you would want to be. You were a kind, giving wife. I don't deserve it."
"You've been good to me, too. I thought getting married to you would mean I'd be miserable for the rest of my life. But instead, I've come to like being married to you. You're a much better husband than other men I've seen and I'm grateful for your kindness." He smiled sincerely.
"I was nervous about last night. I thought you would be mortified. But you weren't, or you didn't show it at least. It was like you really didn't mind." I shook my head.
"I did at first. But it was nice after I got used to it. And once the pain went away, it was actually really lovely." He grinned then.
"Was it?" I nodded. He closed the distance between us and took me up into a hug.
"Thanks for the boost. It made my day." I smiled.
"Any time, Sören. And Aunty asked me something and we might want to talk about it."
"And what did Aunty ask you that we need to talk about?"
"She asked if we'd decided on what to name the baby." Sören smiled and rolled his eyes.
"She's getting ahead of herself. We don't even know if you're pregnant yet. It's a bit soon to start thinking of names." I nodded.
"Can I make a request, though?" He nodded.
"What's your request?" I looked at him a moment before I took a deep breath. I wasn't sure how he'd respond to this suggestion.
"If, when I get pregnant, we have a son, let's not name him after any of your relatives. Steffen, maybe, but that's it." Sören laughed a little and shook his head.
"Don't worry. I don't like anyone in my family enough to want to name my child after any of them. Except for Steffen and Aleida."
"Actually, for a boy, I thought it might be nice to name him Adalwulf. After my brother." He lost a little of his smile, but he still looked kind and sincere.
"Alright. I owe you that at least. What if it's a girl? What was your mother's name?"
"Edith." He didn't seem to like the name. He scrunched his face ever so slightly. "I was never crazy about the name either." Sören nodded and was silent, thoughtful, for a moment. When he spoke, he was grinning.
"How about Zoë?" I smiled the moment I heard the name.
"I like it." He smiled back.
"Me too."
When all that was said, Sören started walking to bed with me still in his arms. When we reached the mass of fur, he lowered us both down and began to kiss me again. We slept together that night and it was better than before. I wasn't scared this time and I knew what we were doing. As Aleida said, as long as we're having sex, at least we know we're trying.
So that's what we did. We kept trying. After a while, it seemed like more of something we really wanted to do as opposed to something we had to do. After a while of trying, Lord Heidbrier was getting impatient, but Sören always kept him at bay and never made me have to deal with him. He knew that I wasn't fond of his father and never tried to make me get along with him. So I was very grateful for that.
Several days later into the fall, Sören and I were sitting together at the pit eating dinner together. We weren't talking much at the moment. He'd been out all day hunting and was exhausted. Since it was fall, it was starting to get harder to find small game and anything larger were usually scattered around. He'd managed to get one deer today, which was an oddly low number. But I'd already started drying out the meat he'd hunted over the summer, so starving to death or anything of that nature was far from anything we needed to worry about. When he was done with dinner, he took his plate to the bucket where I cleaned dishes and smiled.
"Thanks for dinner, Heidi."
"Did you like it? It's a soup my mother usually made during the winter. I wanted to wait until we had enough variety of meat to make it." He nodded.
"It was delicious, thank you." He walked over and kissed my head. "I'm going to bed. I'm tired."
"Okay. I'll come to bed when I'm done cleaning." He smiled and walked over to bed and I finished my dinner while he started falling asleep.
When all the dishes were cleaned and the fire pit was put out, I went to bed and scooted under the covers with Sören. He turned over to face me and brought me a little closer to him to keep me warm. He'd started doing that years ago and I always found it very comforting. I was about to fall asleep when I felt Sören stir and it made me come back to consciousness.
"What is that?" I opened my eyes to look at him. He was staring down at my stomach.
"What's what?" He took a hold of my hand and brought it to my stomach where his eyes were looking.
"That." He held my hand over my stomach and I felt something I hadn't noticed before. It was a little bump. Then I felt something move and my eyes widened and I looked at Sören. "You know what that is?" I nodded.
"I think I'm pregnant." Sören's eyes widened too and then he forced my dress up so he could see the bump more clearly. When it was in plain sight, he put his hand back and felt it for a moment. At first, his hands were cold, but they warmed up after a minute of his hand touching my stomach. Then he smiled. It was the most beautiful smile I'd seen him show. And with that same smile, he looked up at me.
"You are. You're really pregnant." I smiled wider and we hugged tightly, his hand never leaving the bump. "We can finally get my father off our backs." I nodded.
"That's definitely a bonus."
"How long do you think it's been?"
"I don't know. This is the first time I've ever noticed it."
"Don't worry. Father will assign someone to keep an eye on you once I tell him." I gave him a weird look.
"Keep an eye on me?" Sören nodded.
"Yeah. Whenever a woman gets pregnant in our village, we have a man look over them and monitor how well the baby and the mother are doing. That's why women in my village usually live through childbirth. There's always someone looking over them making sure there aren't any complications."
"Oh. You mean like a medicine man?"
"More or less. We have a total of four in this village. I'm going to try and get Alphonse. He's never lost a woman and he's been doing this for………..since my father and mother had Falk."
"How much older than you is Falk?"
"He was already becoming a man by the time I was born, actually. He was already growing a beard by the time I was born, or so mother says."
"That's quite an age difference. What about Isidor and Kilian?"
"All my older brothers were close together. She'd been pregnant every summer."
"Wow. So you were an unexpected addition?" Sören smiled and nodded.
"Very unexpected. And since I'm taking over after father despite my young age, my brothers resent me for it. They've been beating me up all my life."
"Well, they won't be beating up this child. And neither will those nieces and nephews of yours either." Sören laughed and nodded his head in agreement. His nieces and nephews were awful little children. Yet more family members of his that I avoided as much as possible.
"Not at all."
"Good." We laughed a moment before he kissed the top of my head and hugged me closer.
"Thanks for making this a good day, Heidi." I nodded.
"Happy to do it."
Sören had a quick laugh under his breath and that was the end of the conversation. We fell asleep like that and I woke up to another bouquet of baby's breath flowers. They were the last ones I would see for the season I was sure. Like always, he wasn't home when I woke up. But there was someone there that I'd seen a few times before but had never spoken to. When he looked over and saw that I was awake, he walked over to me and sat next to the bed. He was an elderly man with a beard whiter than snow and a balding head with dark wolf fur.
"Good, you're awake. I'm Alphonse and I'll be your doctor throughout your pregnancy."
"Nice to meet you, Alphonse." He smiled, then moved to the end of the bed.
"Alright, let's get down to business. Lift your dress." My eyes widened.
"I beg your pardon?" Alphonse sighed.
"I need to look at the bump to determine how far along you are." I lost the horrified look and breathed out.
"Oh. Sure." I did as he said and lifted my dress so that my bump was visible. When it was, he scooted a little closer and started touching the bump and looked deep in concentration.
"Have you been feeling nauseous of hungrier over the past few days?" I shook my head.
"No. I haven't felt any different."
"I see. You're one of those lucky women. Well, judging by the size of the bump, I'd guess you got pregnant early on in the summer. So I'd expect the baby around spring. And I wouldn't expect more than one."
"Is there any way you could tell if it's a boy or a girl?" He shook his head.
"Not yet. It's too soon. I'll know around winter. A woman tends to carry low when she's carrying a boy. Now stand up a moment so I can listen for a heartbeat."
"Oh, sure." I stood up and kept holding my dress. When I was standing, Alphonse rested his ear against the bump.
"Now hold your breath a moment." I was reluctant to, but I held my breath and waited for him to finish what he was doing. I finally breathed again when he started talking. "I hear the heartbeat. So the baby's alright so far."
"That's good news." He nodded.
"Okay, I've done all I need to do for today. I'll come back in a few days and check on you again."
"Thank you, sir."
"Anything for Kraus' son." With that, he made his way out of the tent and as he left, Aleida came in with the large bucket I hadn't even noticed was missing.
"I hear you're pregnant." I smiled and Aleida giggled. "I can tell. You've got that glow. Do you mind if I feel the bump?" I nodded.
"Sure. Have at it." Aleida giggled and put the bucket in its usual corner before walking over to me and putting her hand on my bump. She felt around a moment and smiled.
"Well, congratulations Heidi. When did Alphonse say we could expect the baby?"
"He said spring was a good guess."
"Probably. I'll bet you got pregnant the night you and Sören started trying. That's how it was with me and Steffen. It didn't take much to get me pregnant."
"What's it like having a baby?" Aleida gave me a guilty look.
"The process, though happy because you're having a baby, is really uncomfortable. You start to feel heavy, your ankles swell, your back hurts. And that's just the months you carry the baby. Having the baby is a whole other pain all together." I gulped a little.
"How bad is it?" Aleida sighed.
"Well, Heidi. Try to picture yourself swallowing a whole deer in one gulp, but instead of swallowing it, it's going out the other way. And most of the pain is in your back." I looked at Aleida for a minute, just blinking. Eventually, I spoke again.
"Is there any way to make it hurt less?"
"Nope. And believe me, there isn't a woman in this village that hasn't attempted to find something or a combination of things that would numb her. And no one's found anything. One woman put herself in a coma for a year, but that's a little more extreme than I think is necessary."
"So it's a painful experience and there's nothing I can do about it?" Aleida nodded.
"That's about the gist of it, yeah."
"But I don't want it to hurt." Aleida shrugged.
"You can't always get what you want I'm afraid, Heidi." I sighed.
"I suppose not."
To my delight, I found out that when a woman was pregnant in this village, they weren't expected to do much. I would make dinner, but nothing more than that. I'd already started the blanket of rabbit fur and knew I would be done with it by the time the baby was born. Sören was thrilled when he got home. He'd evidently spoken to Alphonse while he was out and had gotten the good news. Lord Heidbrier was happy too. I didn't really care what he thought, but I knew Sören did, so I was glad the acknowledgement was something he was happy to get. Of course, Lord Heidbrier was hoping that we'd have a boy. I didn't care what it was as long as the baby was healthy.
"So what did you think of Alphonse?" Sören asked me while we were eating dinner.
"He reminded me of father time." Sören laughed to himself and shook his head.
"Let's keep that comment between you and me, okay?" I nodded.
"Alright. He'll never hear about it."
"Good. The last thing we want is for him to be offended and refuse to serve us." We shared another laugh and talked a little more while eating dinner.
As Alphonse promised, he was over at my home every week checking on my progress. It wasn't long before the bump started getting really big. One night in winter, while the meat was cooking in the water, I had my dress up just staring at my stomach. It was getting huge. And I was only half way through. Sören came in and was looking at me strangely a moment while I kept looking at my stomach, but I didn't look at him.
"Heidi, what are you doing?"
"Do you think I look fat?" Sören laughed a little and shook his head.
"You do not look fat. You're pregnant, Heidi. It's two completely different things."
"But I'm huge. I can't fit in any of my dresses anymore."
"That's why Aunty lent you maternity dresses. Once you have the baby, then you can go back to your old clothes, no harm done."
"Still." Sören smiled and shook his head at me before he went behind me and hugged me.
"You're still beautiful as ever Heidi. And I hope the baby looks like you." I smiled shyly.
"How kind of you to say." Sören rubbed my tummy affectionately before letting go and taking a seat next to me at the pit and waited for dinner to be ready.
By the end of winter, I was feeling all the discomfort that Aleida had warned me about. As she warned, I was happy to have a baby, but I wanted so badly for the process to be over. When the snow started melting, Alphonse told me to stay in bed for the rest of my pregnancy and not get up until he said otherwise. I wasn't sure what to think about that. I was already doing as little as possible on his orders and it was driving me mad with boredom. Now he was telling me to stay in bed for the rest of my pregnancy. I wasn't sure what good that would do me or the baby, but instead of arguing, I did as he said.
Aleida and Steffen came to our house every day since then. Aleida made dinner and we'd all eat together around the bed. It was nice having family around, but was the extent of all the good that came with that last few months. One day, Sören and Steffen came home early and went straight to our place. Aleida came over and we all talked for a while before she started dinner. She rehydrated the venison and there was plenty of food to go around. She was even nice enough to clean all the dishes, even when I tried to insist that she let me do it. And after dinner, we would always talk some more before Aleida and Steffen went home. But this night, as we were talking after dinner, I started feeling really uncomfortable.
"Heidi, are you alright?" Aleida asked me. I nodded.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just felt a pain for a moment."
"Where did you feel it?" I noticed that Aleida's tone was suddenly urgent, and that made me nervous.
"In my stomach." Steffen appeared to know immediately what was going on and stood up, grabbing Sören and leaving the tent. When they were gone, Aleida pulled me to my feet and led me around the tent to walk. "What's the matter?"
"I think you're going into labor. I'm hoping walking around will help make your water break. But I'm going to warn you, Heidi, once your water breaks, the pain will be horrible. But try to remember that it will be over soon. Just keep remembering that." I nodded my head.
"Okay."
Aleida held my hand and walked around the tent with me for a minute before Alphonse came into the tent, telling Steffen and Sören to stay out of the tent. Then he told Aleida to leave as another woman that I recognized at Alphonse's wife came in. She took Aleida's place and took my hand to walk around the tent with me until my water finally broke. When it did, it just felt like I was wetting myself and I felt really embarrassed. But that went to the back of my mind and the least of my worries when I felt the pain that came shortly afterwards.
"Alphonse, her water broke." I hardly heard his wife when she spoke. I was in too much sudden pain. Alphonse ordered her to bring me to bed and helped me lay down.
But Alphonse didn't get started right away like I would've hoped. All he did was sit at the end of my bed and tell his wife to get some water and put it over the fire until it was warm. I started yelling at him and asking him why he was just sitting there. He told me to stop disturbing the neighbors and that he was waiting for the right time for me to start pushing. I was okay with that response at first, but then I couldn't take the pain any longer.
"Can you do anything yet?" I asked through gritted teeth. He stuck his hand in a place I would rather he didn't, looked thoughtful, then took his hand out again.
"Not yet. You're not open enough."
"What do you mean I'm not open enough?!"
"Stop yelling, Heidi. I'm waiting for the skin to be completely gone. I need to feel around and make sure you're ready. And the pain will be an indication all on its own. Right now, the pain is coming and going. We're waiting for it to be continuous."
"Why do I have to wait for it to hurt more?"
"Because that's life. Now stop screaming or you can deliver the baby yourself."
That shut me up immediately. I had no idea what I was doing and the last thing I wanted was to rely on skills I didn't have. But that didn't make the pain hurt any less. I might not have been screaming, but I was crying. It just hurt too much. I didn't want to do this anymore. I just wanted it to be over. I heard the door open and saw Sören barge in. Alphonse looked at him with face that seemed almost professionally annoyed.
"I told you to wait outside, Sören. Your wife's in good hands."
"How can you expect me to stay out there? I'm allowed to be near my wife when she's having my child."
"You're just getting in the way. I've never lost a mother because I make sure there's as little stress on her throughout the pregnancy and during delivery as possible. That includes not having a panicky father nearby. So go outside and wait for me to tell you otherwise."
Sören was reluctant and he was glaring at Alphonse at first. But then he finally took a deep breath and left the tent as Alphonse ordered him to. After that was more excruciating waiting. It was getting worse and worse by the minute and every one of those minutes felt like hours. Alphonse kept looking and feeling and each time he would shake his head and we'd wait even more. With a small opening in our door, I could see the progress of the night. And when I started seeing sunlight, I saw red. I couldn't believe this was taking so long. Whenever a woman was having a baby at my village, our Lord and the father would just tell her to start pushing and she usually had a baby within an hour. I told that to Alphonse and he just rolled his eyes and said that's why few women in my village ever lived through childbirth.
When the sun was completely up, Alphonse checked one last time. I couldn't even contain my relief when he told me I could start pushing now. His wife took a seat next to me and let me hold her hand while I pushed. She didn't even flinch when I squeezed her hand. I could tell she'd dealt with this enough times to be alright. I heard Sören start arguing with someone over whether or not he should come in. I realized he was arguing with Lord Heidbrier and Steffen. His brothers were outside too and weren't helping at all.
"Heidi! Head out of your ass, please, you're delivering a baby!" I gave Alphonse a dirty look for a moment when I was taken out of my trance, but said nothing.
When he ordered me to start pushing, I wasn't sure what to do. His wife explained how I should do it with Alphonse yelling at me to get started. I wasn't sure how true it was that he liked to keep a pregnant mother's stress level low, but I wasn't about to anger him now. I did what his wife explained and I felt the pain primarily in my back. He told me to do it again and again until he finally said something about crowning. He yelled at me to push one last time and I did as he said. By the end of that, I heard a baby start crying and I was shocked to say that sound alone made everything I just went through worth it.
He didn't say anything to me about the baby, but I noticed that it was a little girl. And she was so beautiful. Alphonse handed my little girl to his wife before he went outside the tent to tell Sören the good news. Alphonse's wife cleaned the baby with the warm water she'd prepared and handed her to me when she was clean.
"So what's the little girl's name?" Alphonse's wife asked me eagerly. I smiled and never took my eyes off my baby.
"Zoë." Then I heard someone, Lord Heidbrier start yelling at Alphonse. He was obviously displeased with getting a granddaughter. But I ignored him. I had my little Zoë and that's all that mattered.
Alphonse came in and took his wife out of the tent and back home a few minutes later, leaving me alone with my daughter. Eventually, Sören came inside. Lord Heidbrier was still yelling, but Sören had stopped listening a long time ago. When he looked towards me, he had a silly grin on his face and it was directed at Zoë. I smiled back at him and kept smiling as he walked over and took a seat next to me, always looking at Zoë.
"She's so beautiful."
"She really is." Zoë had my hair already, that much was clear. She seemed to have Sören's nose and eyes. She was so tiny and the most beautiful child I'd ever seen.
"Are you feeling better?" I nodded.
"Much better. I'm still sore, but Alphonse said that would pass, especially since the placenta's out."
"The what?" I shrugged.
"I don't know. I just nodded my head. He said I would be healthy and that's all I care about."
"True." He reached his hands to me and I handed him Zoë. He handled her gently and held her close to his face, just looking at her. "Thanks for this, Heidi."
"There's nothing to thank me for." He shook his head.
"Not true. I know you were forced into all this, marrying me and such. I know we aren't……in love per se….but I'm glad we're at least friends. I never thought I'd get that. And now you're giving me a daughter. I have a lot to thank you for." I smiled and he smiled back.
"Then let me thank you. You've been kinder to me than I deserve." He looked up at me and reached over to kiss my forehead.
"I don't deserve you, Heidi." We smiled at each other a little longer before we turned our attention back to Zoë. She was already snug in his arms and asleep. It was the sweetest face in the world and I was happy to have someone that I knew would love me unconditionally for the rest of my life.