Hina Digger Chapter 5, a Love Hina + Gold Digger Crossover fanfic

This one's hot offthe presses folks! Try not to burn yourselves (or me!) with the reviews

Halibel: Shameful...

Kyugan: I own nothing but my devious brain and tainted soul.

Chapter 5.

"I look like a fucking babysitter to you Kuso-Baba?" a rather coarse voice asked, belonging to a spiky haired blonde with pointy ears and a bony body. He eyed her warily, knowing of her reputation but unlike most he didn't fear her. Well, other than the professional fear that everyone in their line of business has for their peers.

Which is why Hinata merely smiled at the sight of the loaded AK-47 resting against the teen's shoulder, having grown used to such from the young man before her. "No, but your information gathering networks are among the best in the world." She stated calmly, placing a large briefcase on the counter and opening it, revealing the mountain of million yen bills waiting to be spent "So I'm sure I can count on you to get the job done on your end."

The teen picked up a bundle of bills and flicked it, his grin widening to absolutely demonic proportions as he did so. "Feh, say what you like, Kuso baba," he conceded, raising a slender brow "But it'll not come cheap."

"But of course." The Urashima Matriarch assured him, "this is merely the down payment. Oh! And give my regards to Kurita-kun will you?"

She bowed and left the, rather impressive, locker room, Haruka standing outside the door having a smoke. "You sure that kid can get the job done?" the younger Urashima female asked, only to blink as a round of machine gun fire shattered the air.

"YA-HA!" the owner of said voice screamed over the hotwired intercom system of the school, like the becomings of the devil himself "KUSO BUTAMA! KUSO JIJI! HAHA-KYOUDAI! GET YOUR ASSES IN HERE!"

"KYOUDAI JA-NE!" three annoyed voices bellowed from different locations around the school, whilst Granny-Hina gave a small smile and nodded.

"You should put a little more faith in me Haruka." She admonished, as a rather large teen with a head shaped like a chestnut rumbled past like a miniature death star on legs "After all, even if it means making a deal with the devil himself, I'll go to any lengths to get what I want." She lifted out a pocket watch and nodded "Speaking of which, I suppose Kanako-chan has finished HER assignment by now."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"And you're willing to pay this much to have him found?" a rather nervous sounding voice asked in Japanese, the owner a young man in a blue collar shirt. Across from him sat one of the scariest teenage girls he'd ever seen, dressed in what could only be referred to Gothic Lollita style clothing with a long eared cat on her lap, a LARGE suitcase filled with stacks of 500 dollar bills in front of him and his client.

"This is merely the down payment." Kanako replied calmly, FAR too calmly for a girl her age. "You'll receive ten times as much upon delivery, with a bonus depending on the condition he's in." she eyed the woman across from her, looking her right in the eyes. "However, if so much as a HAIR is harmed on his head you forfeit the rest of the reward, completion or no."

Okajima 'Rock' Rokuro swallowed nervously, hoping against all hope that bullets weren't about to start flying. Not only had this girl had the audacity to say something like that to his client, but she was matching the older woman glare for glare, something not even his co-worker, the infamous 'two hands' Revy, dared to do. He relayed the message, watching his client's features for the first hint of trouble, only for the woman to smile, the burn scar along her face accenting it as she pulled out her cigar.

"Well now." Balalaika noted, the unopposed mafia queen of Roanapur extinguishing the cigar in an ashtray as she smiled, "Rock, please inform Miss Urashima that we at Hotel Moscow will gladly take on this assignment." She smiled at the girl, though Rock just knew she was appraising her as a future threat, "In fact, tell her I know just the company to get on the case."

Rock had a really good idea of just who was going to be given this job, he knew because he was a part of said crew, and they were the only ones outside Hotel Moscow that Balalaika put any amount of faith in. It didn't stop him from wishing he'd never agreed to accept the job as translator for this meeting, even if the Sergeant HAD been insistent. He'd have gladly taken a bullet to the skull rather than deal with that emotionless Lolita and a smiling Balalaika.

'I'm getting really sick of waking up in places I don't recognize.' Was Keitaro's first thought upon regaining consciousness, his second, after realizing he was no longer freezing to death, was along the lines of 'What the hell is hugging me?'

Not that he couldn't tell, the two mounds pressed against his bare back gave him a pretty good guess of what was going on. A quick run down of his current state of attire revealed that Yes, he was buck naked, whilst No, there WEREN'T any bottles lying around. That and his lack of a hangover seriously discredited any drunken revelry.

Well, that and the fact he was apparently lying on a cloak near a fire in an ice cave.

Turning slightly, the nervous Ronin felt the pit drop out of his stomach as a tousled blonde head raised up sleepily. "Mmmm? Keitaro?" Gina wondered, blinking as she espied the ronin attempting to scale the ice wall with his back turned to it. She blinked again as she took in his state of attire, a flush coming to her features as she got a good look at Keitaro-junior for the second time.

"SORRY!" the ronin yelled, trying to back away and actually scooting up the wall slightly in his effort to put as much distance between them as humanely possible "I didn't try anything! I just woke up!"

"Really?" Gina teased, pretending to sound disappointed while letting her eyes wander, not in the least bit embarassed as she watched the ronin flush scarlet "You didn't even cop a feel? I don't rate that much?"

"Not at all!" Keitaro replied, only to blush and wave his arms about "I mean…what I meant to say is…!"

He paused suddenly, Gina's eyes widening in shook as she noticed it as well. Their gaze slowly moved to regard the Ronin's right shoulder, which was completely healed.

"The heck?" Keitaro gaped, which pretty much summed up the situation at hand. He was nigh unkillable; sure, he could live with that. He healed quickly; no one was going to refute that either. But advanced healing factor or not, human's were physically incapable of regenerating a chunk of flesh in a matter of days, despite the warped minds of anime directors and manga artists.

"It feels real." Gina noted, running her hands over the shoulder, amazed at the lack of scar tissue "Can you feel anything?"

Keitaro shrugged, flexing his fingers, amazed at how natural it seemed, up until recently there'd always been a slight tug whenever he moved. He blinked suddenly and looked up into Gina's eyes, the two coming to the same abrupt realization that they were still undressed, and were currently VERY close. "A-ano…" Keitaro began nervously, the two looking into each other's eyes as the realization dawned on them.

Part of him, the part that was unarguably male, wanted to close the distance between them and damn the consequences; however, the part of him that had long been beaten into submission by the trials of Hinata-Sou was screaming at him to run away like the spineless little bastard the girls had demanded he be.

This of course led to some trouble, the two forces declaring war on the other, their armies colliding in a spectacular battle that was taking up all the concentration the Ronin needed to come to a decision.

Gina, unaware of the Ronin's internal struggle, once again found herself gazing into the Ronin's chocolate brown eyes, his tousled hair giving him an absolutely adorable appearance as she leaned forwards, the distance between their lips closing ever so slowly.

"Ahem."

Gina had to suppress a sweat drop as Keitaro launched himself away from her like a grasshopper at the voice, inwardly cursing the intruder for showing up when he did. Grabbing the cloak and using it as a makeshift toga, she turned to face the figure in the entryway. His head was shaved and he wore silken clothing under his heavy cloak, obviously oriental in nature. Were it not for the bizarre tattoo over his left eye she would have mistaken him for a monk.

"Sorry to interrupt." The figure apologized humbly, enterring the cave with a slight stoop "My name is Kahn. I found you two on the mountain some time ago." He set down a bundle of clothes on the floor, "I trust you are alright?"

"Fine thanks." Gina assured him gratefully, still a little peeved at having the mood ruined, but more interested in getting some answers, and hopefully some warm clothes "Were you the one who healed Keitaro's shoulder too?"

"Shoulder?" Kahn repeated, looking up in confusion as the ronin held up the limb in question "Is there something wrong? I didn't notice any injuries before…well, other than the cut on your chest."

"I was pretty sure I had a scar here before." Keitaro replied, starting to feel a little calmer at the monk's query, though it did raise some questions. Did someone heal them before Kahn found them? Or was the bald man lying? "Wait...Chest?"

"Nothing serious." Kahn assured him, riffling through his pockets "I think THIS is the cause, you must have landed on it." He held up the stone arrowhead, still attached to the chain Gina had crafted to it. "Though this IS unusual..." Kahn commented, looking intrigued at the situation as Keitaro put the chain back on "However, I fear I have no answer for you, perhaps someone who found you prior tended the wound, but there was no sign of tracks in the blizzard other than signs of you being dragged."

"So we got some miracle surgeon walking around the freaking Himalayas." Gina muttered, pulling on her clothing, as the two men looked the other way "By the way, what's this weird colorless coating we're wearing?"

Keitaro blinked, noticing for the first time that his skin felt oddly akin to a glazed donut as Kahn spoke up. "It's insulating gel," the monk supplied tugging his collar to reveal he wore it under his clothes "it maintains our body temperature no matter how cold or hot it is." He smiled and gestured around the room "Believe it or not, it's well below freezing in here."

'Feels like a warm spring day to me.' Keitaro opined, intrigued and a little grossed out at the feeling of the gel as Gina agreed verbally, Kahn explaining the dose he'd used on them being enough to last a day at most.

"We'll leave for my city as soon as you are both dressed." The monk instructed, helping Keitaro into the unfamiliar clothing with the patience of Buddha himself "it is but a moments travel from this spot coincidentally, which is fortunate, as this is one of the paths I normally take on my trips outside."

"Jinkies! We could've frozen out here and you'd never have found us!" Gina exclaimed, grinning at Keitaro as the ronin swallowed audibly "Looks like your luck isn't as bad as you thought Keitaro."

"Just wait," The ronin noted with a weak chuckle, rolling his eyes as he hugged the fur-lined robes tight against his frame, not liking the cold one bit, especially after their near death experince "Something bad will happen, it always does."

"Karma can be a fickle mistress." Kahn agreed, leading the duo out of the cave with an experienced air, apparently having no fear of the treacherous terrain "But fear not, no harm shall befall you once we reach the city."

"You never actually told us the name of your city." Gina pointed out, falling in step just behind the bald man as Keitaro struggled through the drifts, unused to such heavy snow and nowhere near as athletic as the other two...unless it came to running away, in that, he was certain, he could beat a track medalist.

"Didn't I?" Kahn wondered, before shaking himself at the blunder "Why it's Shangri-La!"

"Well?"

"No luck sir." The captain replied, saluting respectfully "I found enough evidence to have the older members institutionalized and the foreigner deported but nothing about his whereabouts."

"Damn." The chief cursed, gnashing at the butt of his cigar, turning to address his three sergeants and one particularly scruffy looking pair of officers, one of which had the excuse of being an orangutan "Anything at all?"

"The foreigner has links to the Molmolian crown." The female sergeant revealed, reading off the report she'drecieved from the scruffier of the two officers to interrogate Su "She may in fact be one of the princesses."

"Damn! Is this about to get political?"

"Hopefully not," the scruffy HUMAN officer countered reassuringly, though he did send a certain primate a heated glare, to which the ape shrugged mournfully "they never bothered to fill in the immigration forms."

The chief gave the Gods silent thanks for a full second before turning to the larger sergeant who saluted. "The swordswoman's confessed to almost everything sir," the man reported "even to being the Hokkaido flasher, and that was a man."

"Remind me to give the corporal a raise." The chief replied, turning to the last sergeant, who was holding the rather embarrassed looking Orangutan by the scruff of its neck between two mammoth fingers. "And what have you to say for yourself?"

"Ook."

"I'm certain you are." The chief muttered, signing off a slip, "Just try to keep it in check, or at least take off the badge before you do, it counts as police brutality." He sighed and stood up, gathering his notes and dismissing his team with a nod as he made his way to the council room, making a mental note of the time and the traffic flow outside the building, as he had an important engagement to keep.

Reading to his only son was a task that simply couldn't be avoided, even should the infamous Urashima matriarch demand it.

'I'm in a dream.' Keitaro wondered, feeling it was the only way to accept what was going on in his life 'I hit my head and am lying comatose and this is a dream.'

Someone bumped into the ronin, apologizing as they dashed off, crushing that trail of thought as he rubbed his aching right shoulder. He STILL couldn't believe the wound was gone, it had lasted far longer than any other he'd received and he was feeling oddly naked without it.

However, all that paled before the wonder that was the library of time which, according to Kahn, possessed every book ever written, and quite a few that had yet to, or never WOULD be, written.

"So this thing really knows exactly what you want?" the ronin asked, sweat dropping as Gina cackled madly over her own hoard of books, noticing the 'Uncensored Karma Sutra' at the very top and vowing to steer clear lest she decided to put the information within to use.

"All you need do is think of what you're looking for and the Codex will supply it." Kahn assured him, a little disturbed by the woman's antics himself. Keitaro merely nodded, before looking at the crescent moon shaped statue, only to blink as a book appeared out of nowhere in front of him.

'How to get into Tokyo University for Dummies. By U.K.'

"U.K?" he wondered, picking up the book and eyeing the English letters on the spine, despite the kanji on the cover "Do you know who that is?"

"According to Codex he's one of the greatest future archaeologists and scholars." Kahn replied, nodding at the book, "However, the Codex can't reveal his name because he only ever signed his writings as U.K, even when writing in Kanji."

"Weird." Keitaro muttered, opening the book to the first page, running his eyes over the print. 'I dedicate this book to my charming, loving wives, who prove that whilst dreams may not come true, reality can be just as pleasing, and that first love does not necessarily limit ones future choices.' he read, blinking at the words 'Wait...wives?'

"Hey Keitaro!" Gina called out, spooking the Ronin out of his daze and pointing at a random page from 'six easy steps to immortality' with a cheshire grin on her face "there's a picture of you in here!"

"Eh?" Keitaro blinked, running his eyes over the book, eyes bulging as he read the contents next to his picture.

'Urashima Keitaro; 1987-????'

Quite possibly the earth's FIRST true immortal since the fall of magic; has proven that immortality can be obtained on a genetic level. Results show that sharing bodily fluids with the subject can have positive effects concerning ones health, youth and life expectancy.'

"BODILY FLUIDS?!" the ronin shrieked, flushing scarlet as he promptly dropped the book like he'd been burnt, eyeing the stunned audience shakily "Erm…Wrong book!" he announced, bowing apologetically as everyone gave him a wide berth.

Gina giggled at this, before picking up the book and frowning at the lack of an author. "There isn't even a publishing date." She noted, looking up at Kahn expectantly "Who wrote this?"

"Even I'm not entirely certain." Kahn admitted, raising an eyebrow as he took in Keitaro's stunned features and the, admittedly older, picture in the book "However, its safe to assume it's a future acquaintance of Keitaro's."

"Or maybe more than just an acquaintance." Gina teased; eyeing the ronin in a way that made him feel very exposed, despite the thick layer of clothing Kahn had given him. "Bodily Fluids, huh? Wonder what they meant by that?"

Keitaro let out a noise that sounded something like 'mimblewimble' before his eyes rolled up into his head and he passed out.

"Does this happen a lot?" Kahn asked, kneeling down next to the ronin concernedly, as Gina shook her head in wry amusement.

"You've NO idea." She replied, a frown crossing her features as she remembered something from earlier as she held up a checkout receipt before her like a crucifix. "By the way, what's the idea letting a totally evil wizard like Gyphon get his hands on a tome like 'Horrible forces of the universe and how to use them?!"

"I can't instantly tell a good borrower from an evil one." Kahn replied calmly "I only learned of Gyphon's true nature after he RETURNED the book!" he lowered his head, "If only I had known…perhaps then she wouldn't have gotten involved."

"She?" Gina repeated only for Keitaro to grunt something about 'Toudai' in his sleep, snapping the librarian out of his thoughts.

"Come." Kahn insisted, picking the slumbering ronin up in his arms, "I'll place him in my chambers, could you keep watch over him while I fetch something to rouse him?"

Gina nodded, following the sage to his private chambers, where he placed the recumbent form of Keitaro under the sheets, stripping him down to his undergarments for comfort.

"I'll lock up the door to the keep." Kahn instructed, "Then bring something for him to drink later." He bowed, smiling at them, before turning on his heel.

'Nice buns.' Gina noted, a sly look crossing her features, before a dull moan from the still unconscious Keitaro drew her attention. Grinning mischievously, she checked to make sure no one was watching, before looking round for a bathroom, deciding to have a little fun after freshening up.

As the blonde genius left however, there was a flash of light, and a well endowed young woman leapt through a portal into the room, her once royal dress in tatters. "We did it subtracto!" she cheered, "After all the dangers, all the perils, we're finally back in Shangri-La! We're HOME!"

"You're home Lyn." The floating ball countered in an exasperated voice "MY home is the place you first found me, the Astral Rifts!"

The Princess of Shangri-La scoffed, dismissing her companion's words with a gesture as she took in her surroundings, cheering at how she'd landed right in the quarters of her 'future mate'. "Lyn!" Subtracto cautioned, sensing someone in the room across from her "My sensors detect someone in the bed!"

"That's probably him!" Lyn realized in a whisper, dimming the lights in the room and reaching for her pants, glaring over her shoulder at the sphere "Don't Peek!"

'Who would?' the sphere muttered, sighing as it nonetheless avoided looking at the princess as she disrobed, startled as she crawled under the sheets, mentally wondering if he should clear out, only to blink as another woman entered the room, even as Lyn's cooing noises were muffled by the covers. 'Where'd she come from?' the sphere wondered, realizing in detached horror that the blonde was climbing into the bed as well, and that she wasn't wearing anything either. 'This won't end well.' The sphere predicted, before activating its video recorder to savor the moment.

What? Even advanced super computers need to kick back and have fun.

Gina grinned as she embraced the figure under the blanket, already imagining the look on Keitaro's face when the ronin awoke. She was surprised however, when a set of hands wrapped around her bottom, giving it a healthy grope. 'Feeling frisky is he?' she thought approvingly, returning the favor and receiving a sharp gasp in response, as she pressed forwards. She paused abruptly as she bumped into something strange, something surprisingly soft, yet firm, and oddly familiar, just as Keitaro opened his eyes beneath the covers.

The ronin reached out with his hands, only to blink as he encountered the ever-familiar round mass under his hands, earning a definitely feminine moan. "Oh Kaaahn…" the woman moaned, leaning forward, her breasts trailing across his chest, the sound of kissing sounding under the blankets, only for the cover to be yanked off the bed a stunned Kahn gaping down at the sight before him.

"Princess Lyn?"

The princess paused, eyes opening in shock as she realized she wasn't currently locking lips with her beloved but a rather surprised blonde woman, the two of them apparently leaning over a rather startled young man, who looked absolutely terrified as she gazed at him in shock, his hands having subconsciously goosed the two of them.

"I'm going to die now aren't I?" the man stated, just before Lyn slammed her foot into his face.

At the Pool of Legends, Brittany and Mesha were currently laughing their arses off, having witnessed the whole chain of events whilst trying to locate Gina. "This just isn't his week is it?" Mesha giggled, as Keitaro slid headfirst across the floor, Kahn holding Lyn back as she threatened to smash the ronin with the sage's bed.

"Look at Gina!" Brittany cackled rolling on the floor at the sight of her sister's gob-smacked expression "She can't believe she just frenched a girl!"

They hadn't noticed, in their glee, that Keitaro seemed to be moving slightly faster than normal as he practically ran through the door of the keep like his life depended on it, an enraged Lynn hot on his trail.

"HENTAI!"

*CRASH!*

"SUMIMASEN!"

"ECCHI!"

*SMASH!*

"GOMEN NASAI!"

"SUKUBE!"

*SLASH!*

"DASKETEEEEE!!!!!"

The immortal, apparently literally, Ronin launched himself round the corner, an enraged Lyn following in his wake, wielding a rather impressive pair of blue dragon swords in each hand, which had currently sliced through various tables, doors, and even a poor golem that had been stacking books. "I didn't mean to!" he swore, only for the princess to scream at him in a mixture of various mandarin and English, which while unintelligible to most men, was easily understandable to a veteran of Womanly Wrath like Keitaro, and he shifted into a higher gear as he took the next corner.

Sadly, this turned out to be his downfall, as it led to a dead-end.

"Nowhere to run now." The princess panted, rather impressed at how hard the insolent man had pressed her to catch him. She raised her sword over her head and smirked "Any last requests?"

"Don't kill me?" Keitaro tried hopefully, only to grin as she scowled at him, "Worth a shot right?" he joked, only to scream and raise his arms above him defensively as he dove between the startle monarch's legs, skidding to his feet and rushing down the corridor.

Lyn sweatdropped as she noticed how fast the Ronin was moving, numbly wondering if she was chasing some sort of track medallist, before renewing the hunt, screaming in mandarin for him to return and face her.

Neither of them seemed to have noticed that, for the briefest of moments as Keitaro leapt, time had seemed to stand still.

'What's happening to me?' Keitaro wondered, his breath not even labored as he rounded another corner 'I've never been able to outrun someone like that…I heal fast but Cheetah practically bit my arm off!' he slid under a table, startling a pair of scholars as they gaped after him in shock 'And to top it all off…why do I keep imagining jungle drums?!'

Keitaro swore as something, predictably, got tangled up in his legs, sending him head over heals into a bookshelf. 'I'm doomed.' He muttered, waiting with baited breath as Lyn's cursing got closer, the irate princess of Shangri-La rounding the corner with her swords in hand just as a metric tone of heavy tomes landed on the Ronin's head in an avalanche. Through the haze of pain, he trembled as she looked around the room in annoyance, the look of rage dimming slightly in her eyes as she smiled smugly at the trapped ronin.

"Nowhere to run now." Lynn pointed out, pointing at the man with her swords, "Have you prepared your epitaph, you gutless shrimp of a man?"

'Gutless shrimp?' Keitaro repeated, flinching at the words, before looking up at her in desperation. He was pretty she was going to kill him, or at least make a good show of it, and he highly doubted he could escape her a second time, especially since these tomes weighed more than he did.

"DIE!" Lynn yelled, bringing her swords down on his head, the edges practically screaming for his neck as Keitaro snapped his eyes shut.

SOMETHING burst out from under the tomes with him, shattering the swords and sending Lynn flying down the corridor, a look of startled confusion in her face, before she crashed into one of the bookshelves, burying her under twice as many tomes as Keitaro, the shelves coming down on top of her.

Keitaro blinked, too surprised that he hadn't lost his head to think at the moment, only to panic as something picked him up by the scruff of neck and set him on his feet, turning his head in alarm just in time to see a gold plated shoulder pad disappear behind him, like a ghost fading out.

'I have a BAAAAD feeling about this.' The Ronin muttered, turning nervously to a conveniently placed mirror to regard himself, shivering as he caught sigh of a large, muscular blue figure in Aztec armor hovering behind him.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!!

Yes, the Hinata police force is composed of Pratchett clones, i think it fits.

NORMAL police would've arrested the harem, or taken Keitaro into protective custody, the first DAY he set foot in the dorms.

That said, Keitaro's uncovered some really big facts about himself...and things are only going to get more...Bizarre, by the minute!

Halibel: Interesting.

Kyugan: isn't it?

R&R or be beset by the hounds!