A/N: Thanks a bundle to last week's reviewers: Meeeee, steel-trap, SeriouslySiriusBlack, Howl To The Moon, marinewife08 (jealous of your trip to HP world!), .forever2116, nobody, EnvyMyMidnight, NathyMoon, swimer123, Cassie Weasley, Miss larien, existence555, Will Write For Food, jak23, WobblyJelly, movinggirl, ottoismydog, PoseidonsLittleGirl, emotionsonhold, 28, MaryandMerlin, BrokenFaerie16, i3fiction, ZoneSystems, birchermuesli, AliLusAlliSirius, EchoNightFall22, Tabbycat270, Marauder'sGirlCuzI'mUp2NoGood, Ami Ukiyo, and Elless!
This update is dedicated to Meeeee, who promised to love me forever if I updated today…I mean, how could I turn that down ;)
Also, a couple of you asked was LaT was…did I convert anyone?
Finally, lots of you have confessed to being sick of A.J., and thus I feel I must apologize in advance for the end of this chapter . . . .
Chapter 21: Hopeless
There's something wonderful about those few seconds when you're transitioning from sleep to wakefulness. It's a sense of complete bliss, where anything stupid or horrible you might have done the night before is kept at bay. But it can never last, of course—you always have to wake up.
If I hadn't almost announced to an entire roomful of people that Remus was a werewolf, it wouldn't have been that bad of a morning, considering. I woke up without any trace of last night's headache and only a slight twinge of nausea in my stomach. My limbs felt extra heavy, similar to the feeling you get when you've got a bad head cold. But other than that, any trace of a hangover (based on what I'd gathered from watching other people experience them) was virtually non-existent.
It was only as I glanced over at Mary's empty bed that I realized I'd hardly seen her last night. Marlene and Dorcas were still sleeping—neither had bothered to change out of their party clothes, I was amused to note. Hoping to run into my best friend before I met . . . certain others, I started downstairs to the common room. Remus's angry voice made me pause just out of sight at the foot of the stairs.
"—understand what she almost did!"
"Of course I understand, Moony," Sirius replied, voice equally harsh. "I haven't forgotten last year," he said, bitter self-loathing coloring his tone now.
"Well, then perhaps you also recall that I barely spoke to you for a month," Remus shot back. "And you only told one person. She almost told about a hundred, so—"
"And you don't think that wouldn't have happened last year if Snape hadn't miraculously stayed quiet about it? The whole bloody school would have—"
"Okay," James's voice cut in. "I don't think it's really helping matters to talk about last year. Though I think the point Padfoot is trying to make is that you did forgive him eventually, even though—"
"I don't care!" Remus shouted, and I leaned forward ever so slightly to try and glimpse his face. I wasn't sure why I needed to actually see him—it was pretty obvious he was royally pissed at me.
It didn't matter anyway, because his back was to me. Sirius was on his right, standing so that I could only make out his profile, but James was across from Remus, facing me. He looked over as my head appeared around the doorframe, and our eyes met briefly before I backed out of sight once more. I didn't care that James knew I was listening, but I hadn't wanted his distracted gaze to draw the others' attention.
"Look, Lily's your mate, right?" Sirius was saying as I refocused on the conversation.
I winced as I heard Remus snort derisively.
"I think you're being a bit stupid about all this, Moony." That was James again.
"I'm being—" Remus started indignantly. Then he sighed in frustration. "You don't understand—you've known me for six years, and you still don't get it."
"Oh, come on, Moony—you're acting like—and, he's gone," Sirius muttered. There was the sound of someone flopping into a chair, and then James's voice called out:
"Cost is clear, Evans."
I emerged from my hiding spot, feeling a little foolish, but mostly more depressed than I'd been when I woke up.
Copying Sirius's actions, I slumped down on the couch across from him, noting the small grin he flashed me with some surprise—I certainly couldn't find anything to smile about right now. Then again, he was Sirius.
"So, how're you feeling?" he asked in a teasing voice.
"I'm assuming you're referring to the alcohol part of the evening and not . . . the other thing—and, to answer that, surprisingly fine, actually."
"She threw up last night," James put in helpfully.
"Lucky," Sirius muttered, and I would have laughed if I'd been anywhere near capable of it. "Best cure for a hangover, I've always said."
We were silent a moment longer, and then I had to ask, "It's really bad, isn't it?"
Neither Sirius nor James had to ask what I meant, but neither answered right away, either.
"He'll snap out of it," Sirius finally said, though he didn't sound entirely confident.
I sighed. "Well, thanks for defending me—honestly, I probably don't deserve it. Nor did I expect it, come to that." It really had come as a shock to find that Sirius and James were on my side about this, especially James—he was the one who was always so defensive when it came to Remus and his . . . affliction.
"Hey, now, none of that self-pitying business," Sirius said, his voice teasing once more. "Take it from me—that won't get you anywhere. Actually, I kind of feel like we have a bond now, you know, since I—"
"Not helping, Sirius," I interrupted, glaring at him.
"Right, sorry," he said. "Guess I still need to work on that sensitivity stuff, huh?" Glancing at James, who hadn't spoken except to comment on my upchuck reflexes, Sirius added, "Well, I should probably go check on Pete—make sure he's still alive. See you at breakfast?" This was directed mostly at James, who nodded.
As Sirius disappeared up the boys' dormitory staircase, James finally sat down, taking the empty space on the couch next to me. "Déjà vu, huh?" he commented with a slight smirk.
This was, in fact, the same couch I'd passed out on last night. But as I turned to make a joking reply, I found I couldn't speak past the lump that had suddenly formed in my throat. I swallowed hard several times to get rid of it, but it remained painfully stuck, along with the image of Remus stalking angrily from the common room. Seeing my expression, James gave me a one-armed hug, and I automatically laid my head on his shoulder.
"It'll be all right—I promise," he said quietly, and though I knew it was a ridiculous thing to promise, it made me feel better anyway.
Just then, I spotted A.J. descending the boys' stairs. I immediately sat up straight, while James pulled his arm back and moved subtly away from me. I felt my cheeks burn as A.J. neared us, embarrassed by my reaction. It's not like James and I had anything to hide, right? Since I didn't really trust myself to answer that question, I settled for pushing it to the back of my mind for now—I know, fabulous strategy of mine, isn't it?
James moved further away to leave A.J. room to sit between us. "Some night, huh?" he said with a grin as he sat down, giving me a quick kiss in greeting.
"You're more cheerful than I'd expected, Rookie," James observed, raising his eyebrows.
"Guess Sirius was right about puking as a hangover cure after all," I said thoughtfully. Turning to A.J., I added, "And, er, while we're on the subject, I feel like I should apologize for ditching you."
"Do I look mad?" he replied with a wink.
"Well, no, but you know my conscience won't let me rest until I've done the right thing," I replied with exaggerated innocence, eliciting a laugh from A.J. and a snort from James. Narrowing my eyes at the latter, I said, "I don't think you have the right to ridicule me here, Mr. Prongs."
James cocked an eyebrow briefly at my use of his Marauder nickname, but he merely smiled in response. Something seemed a little off about it, though, but before I could figure out what it was, A.J. continued, "Still, I'm sorry I missed the rest of the night—rumor has it you were fairly entertaining, Lil." He smirked at me.
"Merlin, there are rumors already—that's not good," I said, surprising myself with how normal I sounded—nothing would suggest I'd single-handedly destroyed one of my friendships beyond repair. I stood up again and offered A.J. my hand. "Breakfast?" I proposed.
"Best meal of the day, I've always thought," he replied, letting me pull him to his feet.
"Join us?" I added to James.
He shook his head. "I said I'd wait for Sirius, remember?"
This wasn't strictly true, and I wondered if he was avoiding us on purpose. Quickly shaking that thought and deciding I was probably just reading too much into things, as usual, I shrugged and said, "Okay, well, see you later, then."
A.J. looked at me slyly as we cleared the portrait hole. "So—you going to share the details with me, or will I have to pursue the rumor mill further?"
"Having had sufficient experience with rumors—both personally and as a side effect of living with Marlene and Dorcas—I know enough to realize I'll regret it less if I tell you first." I paused, trying to decide where to begin. "Well, I definitely tripped over a table and landed on my face in front of everyone, so that's probably in there. Of course, there's also an hour or so where I don't remember anything—"
"And my experience with such things tells me you probably don't want to remember it."
Unfortunately, the thing I don't want to remember is much worse than anything I could have done in that missing hour. "Right," was all I said aloud. A.J. grinned, seeming satisfied with the minimal detail I'd supplied. I was once again surprised with myself—usually I was a horrible liar, especially when it came to hiding something. But before I could congratulate myself, we turned down a staircase only to encounter Remus coming up in the other direction. A sick feeling filled my gut upon spotting him, and he glared at me so fiercely as we passed each other that I had to look away. On the verge of tears again, I was determined not to look at A.J., despite feeling his eyes on me.
"What was that about?" he demanded as soon as Remus was out of earshot. "I've never seen him that angry."
"Nothing," I replied. "I mean, we just had a—a fight." Gaining control of myself enough to meet A.J.'s gaze, I found him looking at me with an incredulous expression.
"Must have been some fight, because he looked . . . are you all right?" His voice changed abruptly from skeptical to concerned, and he pulled me around to face him.
"No," I said bluntly, pressing my thumbs to the corners of my eyes to hold back the tears there. "But I also don't really want to talk about it." Healthy, Lily—that's always the best way to deal with problems: avoiding them.
I was glad that A.J. didn't call me out on it, though. Instead, he just squeezed my hand, kissed my forehead, and said, "Okay." And we continued towards the Great Hall.
OOOOOOOO
"So, on topics not related to Remus Lupin," my boyfriend said when we'd taken a seat at the Gryffindor table, which was in its usual post-party-mostly-empty state, "I've finally accepted the fact that OWLs are coming up."
"Ah, yes," I said with a falsely nostalgic air, "I remember well the day when I had a similar revelation. I think I tried to jump off the Astronomy tower . . ."
"What, was it the first day of fifth year?" A.J. asked with a smirk.
I smacked his arm across the table. "No. It was just after Christmas break," I added with a stab at dignity.
A.J. snorted.
"What?" I said defensively. "I was so prepared for those exams, I could have taken them in my sleep. If I hadn't been so paranoid I'd fail that I barely slept anyway, that is."
"I believe it," A.J. replied, this time not in a teasing tone. "Which is why I'm wondering if, as my brilliant, wonderful, and extremely attractive girlfriend, you'd help me study?"
I raised an eyebrow at him. "You should have thought of that before you started teasing me just now."
"Aw, come on, Lil, you know I can't help myself."
He sounded so much like James just then that for a moment I couldn't reply. I felt like it meant . . . something, but I couldn't grasp what exactly that something was. It was infuriating, like having a word on the tip of your tongue. But before I could devote any more speculation to it, A.J. spoke again.
"Lily? Are you really mad about that? Because I—"
Until then, I hadn't realized I'd been frowning. Smoothing my face into a smile, I said, "No, sorry—I was just . . . thinking. But to answer your question, I'd be happy to help you—key word here being help, without something like 'you cheat' coming after it—"
A.J. grinned. "How could you think I'd stoop so low?"
OOOOOOOO
I wasn't sure which part of the next week was worse: Remus practically running from a room any time I entered it, or the time he resolutely refused to work me—in front of the entire class—when Slughorn tried to pair us together in Potions, or the way James and Sirius shot me apologetic and almost pitying looks after these incidents, but I was pretty sure that now, on my way up to collect Remus for rounds, would top them all.
I actually closed my eyes briefly upon entering the common room, in order to steel myself, so I was partway towards the fireplace when I realized Remus wasn't sitting with his mates. Stopping, I scanned the room. In fact, he was no where to be seen. Continuing on my intended path, I stopped beside James's chair. "Er," I started, with no idea how to phrase the question I wanted to ask.
The three Marauders looked up at me, and I winced inwardly as I faced those same pitying expressions. "Hey Lily," Sirius started with a stab at cheerfulness.
I raised an eyebrow at him, and out of the corner of my eye I saw James do the same. "Well, if you're so optimistic, do you want to tell her?" James suggested to his friend.
"No," Sirius said hurriedly. "I think that, since Moony relayed the message to you, that you should—"
"Maybe Pete should do it—he hasn't had a chance to talk to Lily about this—"
"Hey, I'm not—" Peter began to protest.
"One of you had better bloody tell me whatever it is you have to tell me, or so help me Merlin, I will—"
"Okay, okay," James interrupted, grabbing my arm even though I'd made no attempt for my wand. He sighed. "Moony wanted us to tell you that he, er, doesn't want to spend any more time with you than is strictly necessary, and as you've done rounds by yourself a lot anyway—look, if you want me to try and talk to him again—"
"No, it's all right," I said tiredly. Deep down, I'd been expecting something like this, but that didn't make it any easier to bear. Turning to leave, I soon came to a stop again—James still had a hold on my arm. I looked back at him questioningly, but I knew what he was going to ask before he opened his mouth. "It's all right," I repeated, ignoring the somewhat bemused look Peter and Sirius exchanged, "you don't have to—"
"I don't mind," James assured me. When I didn't answer, he finally released my arm and said, "Here, at least take this." Reaching into his bag, he pulled out a blank piece of parchment and offered it to me.
I took it slowly, confused. "What, in case I want to write Remus an apology letter, since he apparently isn't going to let me apologize in person?"
James sighed and shook his head. "Honestly, Evans, I thought you were supposed to be bright."
Glancing up to see Sirius and Peter looking almost scandalized at James, comprehension dawned. Automatically, I reached out to hand the Map back. "No, I don't—I mean, isn't this, like, as precious as your first-born child?"
James smirked. "Are you kidding? I'd sell my first-born for something that good, if I hadn't already used my own brilliance to make it." Sirius cleared his throat significantly, frowning at his best mate. "Okay, if I hadn't shared my brilliance to make it," James amended.
"Well . . . thanks," I said finally.
"If you lose that, Evans, or if you get it confiscated—" Sirius began with an alarmingly threatening look in his eyes.
"Yes, yes, Black—you'll kill me in my sleep—" I stopped abruptly. Hadn't we had a conversation like this before? Ah, yes, when the Marauders had threatened me about telling anyone Remus was a werewolf . . . gotta love the irony of that, right?
The others seemed to remember this as well, because suddenly none of us could look at each other. "So, I'll just—just bring this back when I'm . . ." I trailed off, and no one stopped me this time as I made for the portrait hole.
I waited until I'd climbed a couple of flights down before ducking behind a tapestry and unfolding the Map. Feeling a bit foolish, I pulled out my wand. Tapping the parchment, I whispered, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." Smiling wryly to myself—never thought those words would cross my lips—I watched the inky Map appear before me. Lighting my wand tip, I scanned the myriad of corridors for the tiny dot labeled 'Remus Lupin.' Thankfully, my search was over fairly quickly as I spotted him moving along the third floor outside of our Charms classroom. Darkening my wand once more, I pointed it at the Map, intending to wipe it clean, and froze. I had no idea how to return the parchment to its (deceptively) innocent blank state.
Eventually, I settled for folding it up, stuffing it into a pocket, and praying that I wouldn't run into Filch—I mean, I was supposed to be on rounds, but the man could smell mischief from a mile away. Or at least, Mrs. Norris could.
As I neared the place where the Map had shown Remus, I pulled it out again to check whether he'd moved. Before I could find him on the Map, however, he found me in person.
"What are you doing?" a harsh voice demanded, and I looked up to see Remus striding towards me. My heart jumped fearfully at the hostility in his eyes, though I supposed I should be used to it after a week.
"I—" I started, realizing that I hadn't actually planned anything to say on my way to find him.
"Is that—" Remus continued angrily, eyes flicking to the Marauder's Map in my right hand. I tried to shift it behind my back, but Remus grabbed it from me before I could do so. "Oh my God," he said in livid disbelief, "how could they—this is just getting—I can't believe they let you—"
"Well, as you haven't let me speak to you for the past week, I really didn't have many options left!" I retorted testily, regretting it instantly. Biting my lip, I added, "Sorry, that wasn't—I didn't come here to yell at you, obviously—"
"And it never occurred to you that maybe I didn't want to talk to you?" Remus interjected, ignoring the second half of what I'd said.
Yes, actually I had realized that. But since sarcastic comments were hardly going to help my case at the moment, I held it back. "Will you at least let me apol—"
Remus snorted derisively. "And what good do you think that will do?"
"It—well, I don't know, but what else can I do, Remus? I'm so incredibly, terribly sorry, and if I could take it back, or have a—a redo or something, I would—"
"Well, you can't, can you?"
I didn't answer, because he was exactly (and painfully) right. I couldn't take back what I'd done. "Right," I finally said softly.
Remus waited a beat to see if I would say anything else before shoving the Map back into my hands. "In case you feel like tracking down any other friends you've betrayed lately," he explained scornfully.
After I was sure he was well out of earshot—I watched him on the Map until he'd descended to the floor below—I sat down against the wall and let the tears that had built up over the week finally fall. What hurt the most was the realization I'd just come to: the hateful looks Remus had directed at me since the incident at James's party reminded me forcibly of the way Sev looked the first time I'd caught him and Mulciber conspiring together. The thought that I might have messed up my friendship with Remus just as badly was nearly unbearable to consider.
I continued rounds in a daze, using the Marauder's Map to deliberately avoid Remus, which I figured was only fair at this point. It probably hadn't been the best move to use the secret Map he'd created with his best mates to track him down. But like I'd told him, what choice had I had?
When I finally returned to the common room, James was the only Marauder left by the fireplace. Somewhat to my surprise, he was engrossed in his Transfiguration homework, so much so that he didn't notice me until I'd stopped directly in front of him and dropped the Map on his open book. "You never told me how to clear it," I said by way of greeting.
"Oh, right," James said, his eyebrows jumping together briefly. "So, er, dare I ask how it went?" he added as he pulled out his wand. "Mischief managed," he muttered, and the Map became a nondescript piece of parchment once more.
"Nope," I said, with a stab at indifference as I sat down on the table across from James.
I knew he wasn't fooled, but was glad when all he said was, "Mary was looking for you. I think she's in your dormitory."
"Okay, thanks," I said, but I made no move to rise from the table, even though I'd barely seen my best friend all day.
James smiled slightly and started writing again.
I watched him work for a moment before commenting, "You know, I've never seen you actually apply yourself to homework like this. I'm not sure whether to be impressed or disturbed."
"Well, I'm planning on skiving off Transfiguration tomorrow, so I thought the least I could do was get a head start on the homework."
I raised an eyebrow. "I see. Any particular reason you're skipping class?"
James shrugged. "I make a point to skip at least once a month—healthy, you know?"
"Not really. But then, I hardly ever understand you, anyway."
"It's what makes us such good friends."
I laughed. "That makes absolutely no sense."
James grinned. "Well, it made you laugh, which is really all I was going for."
I stared at him, surprised. "Oh. I—um . . . thanks. Well, I'll—I'll see you in class tom—no, wait, I guess I won't, will I?"
"You'll make it through all right without me?" James asked solemnly.
"I imagine so," I said with a smirk. But as I turned away, it morphed into a frown. Something was definitely . . . off, with James acting so nice to me. I mean, he'd actually displayed thoughtfulness just now! Before I could contemplate it much further, I was met with a more-than-slightly-irate Mary as I pushed open the door to our dormitory.
"Oh, hello," she said with false brightness. "I'm Mary, your best friend—you might remember me?"
I sighed as I plopped down on the edge of my bed. "Sorry, I know I've sort of ignored you lately, but I've been busy ruining another friendship—it's quite time-consuming, actually."
Mary instantly softened and came to sit beside me. "Lily, I'm sorry—of course you've been preoccupied; I didn't mean to accuse you—"
"No, I know you didn't." Sighing again, I leaned my head on my friend's shoulder. She scratched my back comfortingly, and after a few minutes of silence, I sat up again. "In other news, Potter's acting . . . strange." And I told her what had just happened by the fire.
Mary frowned when I'd finished. "Sorry, I'm missing the strange part of that."
"Come on—he's never that nice!"
"He was just trying to cheer you up. Don't tell me you're complaining?"
"Well no . . . and I guess it is the 'friendly' thing to do, but . . . I don't know, it just felt weird to me, somehow."
"And overthinking Lily rears her ugly head once again," Mary said, standing up from my bed and starting to change into her pajamas.
"Yeah, I've really got to work on her," I said as I followed suit.
OOOOOOOO
Tuesday evening found A.J. and I spending some quality alone time together . . . in the library . . . working on homework. Hey, sometimes you have no choice if you want to be with your significant other and also have cruel Professors who find sadistic pleasure in handing out loads of work.
"This is insane," A.J. commented after we'd been working quietly for nearly half an hour. He was writing out his Potions notes again—something I'd recommended as a study strategy. It took a long time, sure, but I'd found it to be more helpful than just reading through them a zillion times.
"Mhmm," I agreed from where I was stretched out on the couch—yes there were couches in the library, who knew? And here I'd foolishly spent almost six years studying in uncomfortably hard chairs; granted, it had probably motivated me to finish my work faster. But I had to admit, lying with my head propped up on A.J.'s knee and my legs bent to support my Charms book was a pretty relaxing way to do homework.
"How can they possibly expect me to learn all this?"
"Because they believe in your brilliant genius," I said tilting my head slightly to smile up at him.
He just snorted in return. "Well, they're unfairly optimistic, then," he said resentfully.
"You'll do fine."
"Easy for you to say—you probably got all O's, didn't you?"
"No," I scoffed.
"Okay, so, what—one E?"
"Two," I said primly.
That did make A.J. smile, but it didn't stop him from pleading, "Can I borrow your brain for O.W.L.s?"
"What part of 'you'll be fine' didn't you understand?"
"I appreciate your support, but it still doesn't erase the possibility that I'll fail."
"Fine. But at least take comfort in the fact that I'll be the one acting like a mentally deranged person this time next year, and you'll get to attempt to assure me that the world isn't about to come to an end." Frowning, I added, "That didn't come out sounding very comforting, did—"
"You think we'll still be dating in a year?" A.J. interrupted, his voice carefully casual.
I hadn't really noticed I was implying just that, but instead of answering the question, I asked "Don't you?"
"I certainly hope so, because—" He stopped, and so did the scratching of his quill. I bent my head back to look at him again, and was surprised to find him gazing at me intently. "Lily, I love you."
A/N: Return of the cliffhangers! Hmm, sounds like a bad parody….anyway, hope everyone has a fab new year—party it up, kiss a stranger, but don't accidentally tell your friend's biggest secret to the world (take it from Lily, that never goes over well ;).