All Around Me Chapter 4: You're Gonna Go Far, Kid, a glee fanfic

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It has been an hour since dinner and Quinn still couldn't stop her mind from thinking of Rachel. She was hoping light dinner conversation would do the trick, but of course her mother had nothing very interesting to say and the only thing going through Quinn's head was what she didn't dare start talking about. She was in a constant battle with herself, much like she has been for almost the past month, forcing herself to stop thinking about the small diva. As with any after dinner ritual, and it being Wednesday night, both blonds relaxed on their big couch and turned on the television, the older blond flipping it on American Idol. They used this time to bond, they would even pause the show after every performance and act as if they were the actual judges and either critique the singer or praise them. This night however, was different for the younger girl. She normally looked forward to their nightly television bonding, it typically took her mind off of her latest problems and that was what she was especially hoping for tonight.

As they sat watching their feature programming, the first performer took the stage. She was pretty, sure, but she was no Rachel Berry to Quinn. Quinn fought herself to not think like that, but with every attempt to rid the brunette from her mind, it was like this fire-like passion roared inside of her not allowing her to completely do away with the image of the girl. With every note the girl on the show sang, Quinn mentally compared her to how Rachel would sound; it really was no comparison. Rachel's angelic voice would easily top anyone who dared to challenge it, and no one ever did because they knew she had the winning voice. Quinn remembered fondly of Rachel's rendition of one of the diva's favorites, "Don't Rain on My Parade", and how moved she felt watching Rachel sing her little, but so very big, heart out. It wasn't until then that Quinn saw just how beautiful the singer could be while she performed, putting her heart out there for the whole audience to see. She was so caught up that she almost missed her cue if it hadn't been for the nudge she felt in her back that caused her to stumble her start out the door to the stage. Quinn had been so wrapped up in her memories that she didn't even notice that her mom had already paused the show moments ago, staring at her daughter and waiting for her input.

"Quinnie, are you okay?" Quinn snapped out of her reminiscing, turning to focus on her mother.

"What? Yeah, I'm fine. Did you like her?" she pointed to the television. Her mom smiled slightly knowing her daughters mind was on something not relevant to the show but not wanting to press the issue and slowly turned back to the TV.

"Yeah, she was all right. I'm not really a fan of the song she chose, she just kind of seemed like a cheap karaoke version, ya know? I mean it was good, but not great." Judy attempted in her best mock-judge voice. Quinn chuckled at her mother's impersonation and nodded her opinion, still staring at the TV, and her smile faded quickly, focusing back to her internal battle inside her head. "Quinnie," Judy started, squaring her shoulders to face the younger blond, "what's wrong?"

Quinn looked up at her mother, "it's nothing mom," she tried adding a reassuring smile for good measure but judging by her mother's face, Judy wasn't buying it. Quinn debated for a very brief moment just telling her mother everything and praying to the good Lord she would understand and wrap her up in a hug while telling her everything is okay. But she knew she couldn't do that, her mother was just getting over the fact that she was pregnant last year, she couldn't handle her baby possibly having the hots for another girl. She sighed as she tried to answer again. "Really mom, it's just glee club. I'm just kind of stressing about this number we're thinking about doing." She really did hate lying to her mom, but telling her the truth would just hurt her more.

"Quinn honey, I'm your mother. I know when something's wrong." Judy's voice was barely above a whisper, and Quinn felt the weight of her words as her mother cupped her hand. "I know I've been a pretty lousy mother the past year. Dealing, or rather not dealing with your pregnancy and letting your father kick you out the way he did. I should have stuck up for you and done what was best for you but I was a coward and I see that now." Judy looked into her daughter's eyes with deep regret that could be felt around the room. "I'm trying to change and I feel like for the most part I have, for the better." Quinn couldn't help but nod at that statement. Things have been very good with the two blonds; they eat and share their daily events at dinner every night, they bond through television shows that they both enjoy, Judy really had taken a great deal of concern in Quinn's life since they've been reacquainted and Quinn couldn't be anything less than grateful that her mother saw the error of her ways and it was easy to give the woman a second chance. After all, she was her mother. You only really get one. Both blonds felt tears well up in their eyes, this was the first time Judy was really talking about what had happened over the last year and Quinn wasn't expecting all these emotions to come to light. At least not right now. Judy wiped a tear away with her finger before she continued. "I'm trying to be there for you now, to make up for lost time and this is the only way I know how to do it. The one thing lacking in our family before was communication and I'm trying to be better about it, if you can't see." They both chuckled before Judy turned a bit more serious. "But Quinn please, please let me be there for you in the way I wasn't before."

Quinn looked at her mother's pleading eyes to finally get some real insight into her daughter's life and it pained Quinn to have to keep lying, but she knew she couldn't just come right out and say it, she couldn't even come to terms with everything herself. How could she be expected to mutter words she hasn't even said in the privacy of her own room? But fighting her feelings has been getting the better of her and frankly she was tired of running. She looked down at their joined hands and quickly breathed out her response. "It's just this person at school…" Quinn gave her mother a sidelong look to try and gage her reaction.

Judy sat up in her seat and Quinn noticed the sparkle in her eyes. Oh no. "Is it a boy? What's his name? Is it Finn? He really was such a sweet boy." Judy had been hoping Quinn would start dating again to help get over her pregnancy of last year. Her daughter was always one to have a boyfriend and her having to have gone this long without one was starting to worry her mother so the prospect of her potentially having another boy in her life was exciting to the older woman. She trusted Quinn to learn from her mistakes and for the most part, Quinn seemed as though she had moved past the pregnancy.

Quinn felt herself tense at the mention of the boy's name but she tried to make herself seem relaxed so her mother wouldn't pick up on it. She knew now she couldn't say the real object of all of her recent thoughts so she just thought of some excuse. "No mom, it's not Finn. You don't know him." Quinn wanted out of this conversation as quickly as possible. She looked back up at her mother to see her still beaming with joy. She rolled her eyes and slipped her hand away from her mother's hold and started to stand up when the older blond gave her a worried look. Judy was hoping she didn't overstep. "I just forgot about some school work I need to get done before tomorrow." Quinn wasn't totally lying, studying was school work. Judy gave her a nod and Quinn made off to her room.

Once the door shut Quinn leaned back on it and slid to the floor. She didn't feel like herself anymore, all this pushing and pulling her mind was doing was really throwing her for a loop. She couldn't focus on her school studies, glee, she didn't even have the energy to punish the freshman cheerios during practice that she loved doing so much before this mind fucking started. Almost on the brink of tears from her built up frustration, it dawned on her, causing her to jerk her head up off her knees. What's the big deal if I have feelings for Rachel? What's the worst that can happen? Obviously no one knows about it yet, or else they would have already confronted me, especially Santana, or maybe Finn. Oh who are we kidding? He could see us making out and he still wouldn't know any better than a trashcan. Quinn noticed that burst of butterflies in her stomach and the natural curl of her lips and raise of her eyebrow at the imagery playing out in her mind. She immediately scolded herself at her body's betrayal. You have got to get a hold of yourself Fabray. You can't simply go after her now can you? So what are you going to do, just love her from afar? That sounds really creepy. No one paid attention when you stopped slushie-ing her but you can't simply announce to her that you have feelings for her. And another thing, she has that thing called a boyfriend. Remember those? You used to have them. And you know she's happy with him. "Yeah but I could make her happier." Quinn heard herself mumble. Even if you could, she's still not going to go for it. She's straight, into boys, you can't hate on her if she actually sees happiness with that dope. That's for her to deal with, not you. You should just stick to getting over her and wait for it to pass. "It's been almost a month of fighting it and I'm not getting any closer to getting over her." Maybe it takes longer, just stick with the plan and you'll be over her soon enough. "Yesterday would have been soon enough."

Quinn was mentally exhausted from this back and forth her mind constantly put her through. She was ready to just give in, and had been, but whenever she did then the part of her mind that was a fighter stopped her cold reminding her of reasons she had to keep fighting. But what's so bad about having a little crush on someone you can't have? That happens to everyone and no one's died over it. Sure you can't have her but it would do wonders to the stress you've been under lately, and it might help you to just give into your feelings and come to terms with it. Quinn nodded in response to her thoughts. But as much as she wanted to give in there was still this pull on her brain that stopped her from completely giving in and she hated it. She hated that she couldn't just make up her mind, that her heart wanted something so badly that her mind knew she couldn't have and it was frustrating her to the point of tears. She instinctively wiped them from her eyes but instead of getting her mind onto something else, she was ready to nip this problem in the bud and let it be.

She knew she could never have Rachel, much less let anyone else in on her feelings towards her, but that didn't mean she had to internally beat herself up for it. She really wasn't doing anything wrong by having a crush, a huge one at that, on Rachel. She genuinely was happy that Rachel was happy, even if she did think she could do a better job of that. Everyone knew that Finn couldn't keep up with his girlfriend on many levels, sometimes the only thing they did have in common was the fact that both of them were in glee club and that their voices melded well together. Quinn yearned to know what the two girls shared in common, what her likes and dislikes were, pet peeves, and the works. She smiled at the thought of them sharing an evening together, maybe dinner a movie, a movie of Rachel's choosing, Quinn really wouldn't mind what movie Rachel chose, as long as they were together, maybe some light cuddling would ensue, which would lead to them being closer, and then some light kissing would turn into a heavy make out and wandering hands. Quinn shook her head, knowing she wasn't so stupid to think that would really have a chance of happening, and felt the fighting part of her mind take over. She couldn't help but feel ashamed of her feelings for the girl because they were pointless. Why have feelings for someone that you have no chance with? I mean sure, that happens to people all the time, but they learn to get over it. Just like you need to do with Rachel. Quinn leaned her head back against the door and closed her eyes, letting the tears to fall down her face and into her hair. She just needed to feel for a second, so many times these past few weeks she'd been pushing everything away to keep her from feeling the pain but not this time. She just needed to know what to do and how to go about her life, she was sick of being a prisoner to her own thoughts and feelings.

It always came back to the same thing, no matter how hard she fought her feelings, she still had them and they showed no signs of stopping. Quinn first went with the saying "mind over matter" and forced herself to stop thinking about Rachel time and time again, but always to no avail and her heart won out. Then she tried switching tactics and going with "the heart knows best" and "follow your heart" which caused her to give into her feelings and it felt a lot like a breath of fresh air, but it lasted for only a moment when her mind came back into play telling her to get over everything which caused the cycle to start all over again and Quinn was nearing her wits end.

But now that she really was thinking about it, she didn't see a real reason to stop thinking of Rachel the way she already was; there was no harm in it. She's had feelings for the girl for years now; it was nothing new except she had never readily admitted it like she is now and she really didn't know what to do about it. When it came to her feelings for Rachel, Quinn literally felt out of control; like she just was lost for the first time in her life and she hated it, it made her sick to not be the one in control and hold the power. She was scared to give into the power that the girl held over her and her heart but ever since her pregnancy, she learned that giving in might not be the worst thing to happen. She felt like she matured quite a bit in those nine long months, but her immature HBIC attitude came out in times of struggle, and this was definitely one of those situations where her bitchy side made itself known and her heart grew a shield around it. She had struggled all year to get her HBIC image back, but for what? Nothing had really changed; Rachel and Finn were still together, happy as ever, and since Santana was happily dating Brittany, and Quinn just not having the energy, the bullying was at an all time low. With all this realization slapping Quinn in the face, it was like her mind was finally working as a whole unit, instead of separate parts. Her feelings for Rachel wouldn't stop no matter how hard she tried, that was a sure fact, and it obviously hadn't been hurting anyone in the two years she has been crushing on the small singer.

She was coming to a painful discovery that she was finally coming to terms with. As much as she didn't want to admit, her heart was winning out and yet again she was under the brunettes thumb. She knew she was only fighting a losing a battle if she continued to fight her feelings, and she also knew giving in was the only answer to stop this whole thing. And that's what decided to do; to finally give in.

She was really hoping to be able to redeem her "perfect daughter" image with her mother, and find a respectable man to settle down with and start a small family but now she knew that would be impossible if she was to give into her heart. Slowly the tears continued to make their way down her cheeks but she made no move to wipe them away, it felt good to just feel for a change. She should probably be happy that she's going to stop this internal feud and just do what she felt was right but one song kept playing in her head.

Tonight I'll have a look and try to find my face again
Buried beneath this house my spirit screams and dies again
Out back a monster wears a cloak of Persian leather
Behind the TV screen I'm fallin' to my knees

I said you got me where you want me again and I can't turn away
I'm hanging by a thread and I'm feeling like a ball
I'm stuck here in-between the shadows of my yesterday
I wanna get away, I need to get away

Blanket of silence makes me want to sink in deep
Burn all the evidence of fabricated disbelief
Pull back the curtains took a look into your eyes
My tongue has now become the platform for your lies

Now you know, yeah you got my back against the wall
Oh god, I ain't got no other place to hide
Chained down, like a sitting duck just waiting for the fall
You know, yeah you got my back against the wall

Deep in the jungle, camouflaged by all the fallen leaves
A hand holds up the sky while shamefully I make my plea
The alters calling but my legs won't seem to stand
Guess I'm a coward, scared to face the man I am

I said you got me where you want again and I can't turn away
I'm hanging by a thread and I'm feelings like a ball
I'm stuck here in-between the shadows of my yesterday
I wanna get away, I need to get away

Quinn dragged herself into her bathroom to wipe her tears away and take a nice long and hot shower to help herself deal with her emotional breakdown as well as personal embrace of her decision. Things would go back to her kind of normal, admiring and did she dare say loving Rachel from afar, but this time instead of scolding herself she would simply accept that that's how she views the brunette and learn to live with it. She knew it would be tough to fight the part of her that hated the fact that she had feelings for another girl, let alone Rachel Berry of all people, but she knew her heart was right and she was exhausted from going back and forth.

When she slipped into bed that night, it took her some time to finally fall asleep due to the tossing and turning from both her body and mind. Her guard was down for the first time in almost a year and she still wasn't quite sure of how to handle it yet. But once Quinn did get to sleep, she awoke feeling the most replenished she had in weeks. It was then that she was sure of what she doing and knew it was the right thing.

Song: "Back Against the Wall" by Cage the Elephant
So I'm not entirely happy with how this chapter ended up but I felt like I needed to get something out there. If there's something you would be interested in seeing, I'm very open to suggestions as this story could really go anywhere at this point. Review and I'll love you. Thanks for reading everyone!