To all of my superb, wonderful, fantastic, supermegafoxyawesomehot reviewers….why are you so amazing, you ask? Well, because this week you pushed my review count over 1000! So lets all give ourselves a pat on the back, shall we?

Right, now that that's done—thank you's and question-answering: AshJaz, skazmi, (haha, loved the run-on review!), alicenotinwonderland, DarlingILoveYou, Meeeee, jamessiriuspotter-forever (a THIRD? AJROJROAFJHKPJDKSJAPSAP! That would be amazing!), summersrain, Forever Wanting More, MaryandMerlin (haha, that's not quite how it goes, unfortunately….), jane (the next chapter is now! haha), 97chuckles (aww, you're too sweet!), emandem, Smile-Pass it on, Audrey, blissedoutvixen, WhatTheDevilIsGoingOnHere (glad you kept the name…), Tabbycat270, ShannyC1901 (oh, excellent, good to know I'm not letting too many Americanisms in!), Pandasrule7, sjm95x, Aen06, movinggirl, Katy Rose, starlight564, And drown me in love, musicluva4eva, MisszMarauder, HarryPotterFan, livibug, OttoIsMyDog, maximum destined potter (I'm fairly sure there already was an I Hate A.J. Club, at least unofficially ;)), JLforEver, GriffinRose, Marinewife08, MissArtemisFowl, Cassie Cayne, merlincrazy, AliLuvsAlli-Sirius, isigirl, tardisinthesgc, Menolly Harper, seriouslyblak, IIManzaII, WobblyJelly, Elizabeth Lullaby, viva gal, MaCherieLoup2416 (whoa, name change—I cannot handle this ;)), lollipopdiego, Lucius Malloy, Vanillaberries, LuckyDucky, EchoNightFall22, Howl To The Moon, PoseidonsLittleGirl, Evisawesome, RavenSoulSister, Nathymoonybr, silk399, jak23 (no, no s-word plans….and not really sure what I'll be writing next!), arelli-black, Ace-reporter, Marauder'sGirlCuzI'mUp2NoGood, ErinFabu, dopey4dobby (er, should I be worried?), Dancethroughlife, Elless (you mean, why isn't Regulus still at Hogwarts? He ditched to join Voldy—it came up briefly in….chapter 19), theycallherkaush, Tribot, Jenn222, lilyandjames53, Bittersweet x (your review still made me laugh a lot on the second read!), and xLycheeRAiN (first reviewer again! I should get you a prize…)

You have no idea how much I enjoy your reviews. Seriously, they are lovely, encouraging, and oftentimes absolutely hilarious! I wish I could share some of my favorite ones with you, but I would feel a little weird posting them—somehow, it seems like an invasion of privacy. Even though they're posted for the world to see on ffnet, should the world care enough to look. But anyway, enough of my rambling.

So, I meant to have this chapter out earlier, especially because it's kind of a shorty this time, but my work schedule has been crazy this week, and, well . . . there's my attempt at an excuse. But here it is now, for your reading pleasure.

Previously: After James pulls away from the kiss, Lily realizes she fancies him, and proceeds to have an intense internal montage-y debate before deciding to confront James. Before she can, however, A.J. interrupts, and Lily just ends up lamely pretending she was there to borrow James's Transfig book, which he lends her since he is such a gentleman (or something). Next morning, Lily finds out James is going to Hogsmeade with Audrey. She breaks up with A.J. in the Three Broomsticks, has a bonding moment with Sirius, and everything is going swimmingly until….J and A show up. Dun, dun DUN. Well, okay, not that dramatic. Or is it? You decide….

Chapter 32: Killing Me Too

When I finally worked up the courage to look at him, he was grinning at Sirius, and I got the distinct impression he was purposely ignoring me. Of course, he could have acknowledged my presence and then turned to his best mate, only I'd missed it because I'd been staring at my lap . . . okay, I cannot be overanalyzing everything already—get a grip, Lily.

But when James said, "Padfoot, what're you doing here?" without any sort of greeting to me, I felt justified in my original suspicions. Not to mention a bit offended—what did he mean, what was Sirius doing here? Was I not worthy of his attention either?

"Lily and I have just been having a lovely chat about . . . er—" he looked at me, and I raised an eyebrow, challenging him to think of something from our recent conversation that would be appropriate to share with our table companions. Apparently realizing his mistake, Sirius continued vaguely with, "things. She's a fabulous conversationalist, did you know?"

James just smiled in response, though it had an almost strained quality to it. "Audrey, this is one of my mates, Sirius," he said, and the two shook hands.

After a brief pause, Sirius added, after a confused look at James, "And this is Lily Evans."

"Yes, I think we've met," Audrey said as I (reluctantly) shook hands with her as well. "Or at least, James has mentioned you."

Has he indeed? I thought contemptuously. Did he also happen to mention the fact that we almost kissed last night? And why does she make it sound like they're old chums who meet up every Saturday for a heart-to-heart chat? Aloud I merely said, "Yes, he's mentioned you as well." To James, I couldn't help adding, "Finally cashed in that raincheck, have you?"

While having the desired result of finally making him look at me, his reaction was somewhat unexpected. He frowned, seeming almost disappointed, and to my irritation, it actually made me feel ashamed of my petty outburst.

At any rate, it was Audrey who answered, laughing, "I'd forgotten about that! But we took care of that a while ago," she added with a wink at James, and I wasn't sure if that meant earlier that day, or if they'd been meeting up for secret snogs the entire year. Somehow, I had a feeling it was the former, which only made me angrier.

Fighting the urge to throw something—preferably something hard, and preferably at James's head—I clenched my hands together under the table.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sirius's gaze slide down to my tightly clasped hands, then up to my face. I spared him a brief glance, just long enough to catch the eyebrow he arched questioningly at me, before he said, with an obvious effort to redirect the conversation, "So, you seen Moony and his lady love around these parts, Prongs? I thought you two might've doubled with them."

James rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah, I'd expect he'd only have bitten my head off if I'd suggested it. And no, I haven't seen hide nor hair of him today." The two Marauders grinned at each other, and I snorted at their not-so-subtle reference to their friend's lycanthropy. Not that Audrey noticed anything suspicious about their exchange, but still.

Suddenly remembering something, I blurted out, "Aren't you supposed to be in detention, Potter?"

He smirked at me. "Yeah, but I rescheduled it."

"Rescheduled it," I repeated dubiously.

"Yep. Told McGonagall I had some very important business to take care of, so she's having me come in tomorrow instead."

"No. McGonagall did not reschedule your detention because you told her you had a date."

James sighed. "Well of course not, Evans. I didn't use that as my excuse; do you think I'm an idiot?"

"Yes," I answered automatically, and I thought I heard Sirius chuckle beside me.

Seemingly caught off guard, it was a moment before James answered. Though I could feel myself start to blush, I held his gaze determinedly. "Er, anyway, I told her you'd asked to meet about Head stuff and—"

"And if she asks me about it later, I'd better lie for you?"

"No, that's not what I—I mean, yes, it'd be nice if you would, but—"

"Sure thing, not a problem," I said, my voice falsely bright.

James frowned at me again, this time in confusion. I could feel Sirius's eyes on me as well, but Audrey was inspecting her nails, looking bored. "I didn't lie to McGonagall just because I assumed I could count on you to lie for me, you know," he said.

"Fine, whatever," I said.

"Look, I'm just trying to—"

"Just—drop it, James, okay? It doesn't matter."

"Right, well, since you've obviously got your knickers in a twist, I don't see any need for us to stay," James said shortly. "Padfoot, good luck with this one, mate."

Without looking to see if his date was following, James stood and strode towards the door. Audrey, who had been drumming her fingers impatiently on the table, was none to slow to follow him, with just the barest of departing nods towards Sirius and I.

As soon as they'd left, I sat back against the booth with a huff. "Don't see how he has any right to be pissed," I muttered.

Sirius moved to sit across from me again, fixing me with a half-surprised, half-amused look. "What was all that about, then?"

"All what?" I asked, trying to sound innocent. I might have been experiencing internal emotional distress where James was concerned, but I wasn't about to discuss it with Sirius.

He sighed. "Don't play cute with me, Evans. You looked ready to jump across the table and strangle the pair of them."

I shook my head. "You're not getting anything out of me, Black, so you might as well give up now."

"And just when we were getting along so well," Sirius said regretfully, earning a glare from me. Grinning, he slapped the table with his hand and stood up. "Well, you need a drink," he declared.

"What? No, that's not—I don't—" But he was already making his way to the bar, ignoring my feeble attempts to protest.

Sirius soon returned balancing two faintly smoking drinks in one hand and two mugs of butterbeer in the other. Placing one of each pair in front of me, he instructed, "Firewhiskey shot, butterbeer chaser," pointing to the drinks in turn. Holding his own firewhiskey aloft, he raised his eyebrows at me. "Ready?"

"No," I said, though I copied his actions anyway. Toasting me with his glass, Sirius expertly threw back the drink, finishing it in two large gulps. I took a tentative sip of my own, wincing as it burned the back of my throat. Looking up at Sirius again, I found him shaking his head in disappointment.

"It's a shot, Evans," he said, as though explaining something quite obvious to a child who should have known better. "You don't sip it. Honestly, have I taught you nothing about drinking?"

"No," I answered truthfully.

"Oh—well, then, it's about time I imparted some of my vast and impressive knowledge upon you, eh?"

"Er, I suppose," I answered slowly.

"Well, go on then," Sirius said, waving his hand at my unfinished drink.

Wrinkling my nose, and knowing I'd probably regret it, I raised the glass to my lips again, swallowing the stuff as quickly as I could. Coughing, I reached immediately for the butterbeer, hoping to rid myself of the awful taste. "God, that's disgusting," I said. "And it makes this taste horrible too," I added, lifting my butterbeer mug.

Sirius grinned again. "It grows on you—trust me. A few more, and you won't taste a thing."

"Comforting," I said dryly.

OOOOOOOO

However, after testing his theory—quite thoroughly, I might add—I discovered that Sirius was right. After the third drink, a sort of numbness settled over my throat, and I found that I didn't mind the bitter taste much at all. In fact, I no longer minded much of anything by the time we left the Three Broomsticks later that night to make our stumbling way back to the castle, arms around each other for balance. Well, it was more for my benefit than Sirius's, as he was handling the—er—several firewhiskeys we'd had much better.

"Y'know," I observed momentarily, finding that it took extensive concentration to walk and talk at the same time, "I think that's the longest I've . . . I've ever stayed in Hogsmeade."

"Ah, well, it gets a bit rowdy after hours," Sirius informed me. "Best get a pretty young thing like you back to Hogwarts where she belongs."

"Sirius Black, are you flirting with me?" I asked accusatorily.

"I wouldn't dream of it, love," he said with a wink.

"Yes you would," I muttered, earning a laugh from Sirius.

We somehow survived the seven floor climb to Gryffindor Tower, though not without many complaints from me, complaints which weren't lessened by the fact that I forgot and consequently got stuck in the trick step on the staircase to the fifth floor. "Too many bloody fucking stairs in this sodding school," I grumbled after Sirius had helped yank me free.

"Language, Evans," Sirius scolded. "You're behaving appallingly for one in your illustrious position—Head Girls shouldn't be found stumbling back to their dormitories swearing at everything that moves, you know. Or doesn't move, as the case may be."

"Sod off—it's your fault, anyway."

Sirius laughed again. "You're quite fun when you're drunk."

"And what about when I'm not drunk?" I shot back.

"Oh, you're fun then too, just . . . in a different way."

The common room was fairly crowded and noisy, with it being a Saturday night, so no one really noticed Sirius's and my entrance. Mary was the first to spot us, and she leapt up from her chair immediately and strode over to me, looking a little put out. "I haven't seen you in ages, Lily, what have y—are you drunk?"

"Mary, thank God you're here," I said, ignoring her question and grabbing hold of her hands. "I have desperate need of your brilliant advice-giving . . . advisement."

"You are drunk," my best friend said, "and that is not like you—I mean, it's not really 'like' anyone, unless they're an alcoholic, but . . . what happened?"

"My life is absolute and utter crap," I declared. "Hence my need for the aforementioned advice."

"Not too drunk, then, if you can still use words like 'aforementioned,'" Mary muttered.

Before I could reply, a new voice rang out across the common room. "Merlin, Lily, there you are." I turned, blinking as the room spun with my movement, and saw James starting towards us. "I was starting to think you'd—what's wrong with you?" he demanded, frowning as he neared me.

"Oh, that's nice," I said, glaring at him. "Especially since you're the one who's . . . wrong."

James raised an eyebrow. "And you're the one who's . . . drunk?" he questioned, looking to Mary and Sirius for confirmation. Mary sighed, nodding, and Sirius just grinned.

"His fault," I said promptly, pointing at Sirius.

"I regret nothing," he declared. "Besides, I got you back on time didn't I?" Before I could ask him what he meant by that, he added to James. "And now, I leave her in your capable hands, Prongs."

"Wait," I said, but Sirius was already walking away. "I don't—there's not—I want nothing to do with his hands!"

Sirius didn't turn around, and I looked away to find James raising both eyebrows at me now, while Mary's expression told me I had some serious explaining to do by her account.

Sighing, I said, "It really was his fault. I wouldn't normally—I mean, I'd never have—" But I stopped abruptly as Sirius's words finally sunk in. "Back on time," I repeated softly. "Back . . . shit!" I said loudly. Mary took a surprised step backwards, but I could have sworn James's lips twitched slightly. "We have rounds now don't we?"

"That we do," James said pleasantly.

"Bloody hell," I groaned. "Okay, just give me—"

"I'll just leave her with you, then, shall I?" James addressed Mary, talking over me.

"Yeah, I'll take care of her," she said with a sigh, though there was an amused smile threatening to spread across her lips.

"I'm right here, you know—there's no need to talk about me like I'm a child," I protested irritably.

"Yes, because you're acting so mature," James said sarcastically, suddenly betraying a bit of the annoyance that, had I not been so frustrated with him at the moment, I might have expected.

As it was, I just snorted and scoffed, "Don't lecture me about maturity, Potter."

"No, I wouldn't imagine I'd have the right to do that, Flower," he said, speaking the usually teasing nickname with a derision that froze my retort on my lips. "Good luck," he added to Mary. He seemed to be wishing a lot of people luck where I was concerned today, though what that meant, exactly, I didn't really care to analyze at the moment.

Without further parting words to either of us, James turned towards the portrait hole. I didn't wait for him to reach it before stating emphatically to Mary, "I hate him, Mary, I really do. You have no idea what he's—"

"Lily," she interrupted, speaking in a forced whisper. "Do you really want to announce your personal problems to the entire common room?"
Looking around, I discovered that several people were indeed watching me with interest. Wincing, I turned back to Mary. "No." We made for the dormitory stairs, but I stopped at their base, shooting them a dubious look. "I don't think I can make it up these."

We ended up sitting in an empty corridor, leaning against the wall.

"All right, spill," Mary demanded. "And don't you dare leave one single detail out."

So I didn't. Starting from The Incident, as I'd taken to calling it in my head, I moved through my internal debate in the shower, my rash decision to confront James that night, the disastrous results of said decision, and everything that had happened today at Hogsmeade. When I finally fell silent, I could feel the effects of the alcohol starting to wear off, leaving in its wake the beginnings of a headache and a slightly queasy stomach.

Mary was silent for a long time. "Merlin, Lily," she finally said quietly.

I laughed humorlessly. "I know. I mean, what kind of person thinks she's in love, then decides a month later that she isn't, and then, a month after that, realizes she completely fancies the pants off another bloke?"

"I don't know, Lily."

I frowned at her. "That's not exactly helpful."

"No, that's not how I meant it, I just . . . what are you going to do?"

This time I elbowed her lightly. "I'm supposed to be asking you that question!"

"Asking me what I'm going to do? I hardly think it'll matter."

"No; honestly, what is wrong with you?"

"Okay, I'm sorry." She paused, then added, "You need to talk to James."

I sighed. "Yeah, I tried doing that, but it didn't exactly work out."

"You mean last night?" Mary rolled her eyes when I nodded. "That wasn't exactly a valiant effort, Lily."

"But . . . what am I supposed to tell him?"

"That you . . . what was it? Fancy the pants off him?" she suggested.

"I can't, though," I groaned.

"Why not?"

"Because . . . what if he doesn't . . . I mean, he went on a date today! It's not like he's pining or anything. In fact, he seems completely normal, while I'm the one having a nervous breakdown and acting like a mental person."

"Well, you're going to go even more insane if you don't say anything. I mean, your recent escapades aren't exactly encouraging for the future."

"Harsh, Mary—can't a girl just have a bad day?"

My best mate grinned at me. "Of course you can, dear."

The smiles slowly faded off both of our faces. I leaned my head on Mary's shoulder, and she wrapped an arm around me. "I can't just start something with James, though, even if he is . . . you know, interested," I said, picking up our conversation again. "That wouldn't be fair to A.J.; it would just make me seem completely heartless. Which, okay, I suppose I sort of am anyway, but . . ."

"You're not heartless, Lily," Mary insisted, and I was reminded of Sirius's similar insistence, before he'd told me about his brother.

"So everyone keeps telling me," I muttered. "But you can't deny that what I did . . . that was just . . . I'm just so . . . completely hopeless."

Mary smiled again at that. "You'll figure it out, Lil, I know you will."

"Well at least one of us has confidence in me." After a bit of silence, I went on, "You know, I'm surprised you've kept your 'I told you so's under control."

Mary shot me a confused look. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh come on—my confession about James? I figured you'd be all over that one."

"Well, I'd nearly given up on you, to tell you the truth."

Her words hit me harder than I think she intended, though I tried not to show it. The thing was, I couldn't help but think James had given up on me as well. Which, considering The Incident, might seem a little backwards, but this morning with Audrey . . . well, it had started me thinking that maybe he'd never had something to give up on in the first place. And if that was the case, then I truly was hopeless, and nothing Mary could say would change that.

OOOOOOOO

When we re-entered the common room a little while later, I immediately knew I wouldn't be able to handle all the commotion and noise. I made my excuses to Mary and escaped to the quiet of my room. However, after unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep—the room still spun whenever I closed my eyes—I got up with a sigh, my stomach now feeling decidedly unstable. Hoping a warm shower would help, I stepped into the bathroom and turned on the water. I felt marginally better when I got out half an hour later, but the headache that had started when I was talking to Mary had increased to a steady pounding.

With a sigh, I pulled on the clothes I'd just discarded, threw my hair into a messy ponytail, and trudged back down to the common room. I brought a few school books down with me, though I had no illusions that I'd actually get any work done. But I also knew it was too late to go to Madame Pomfrey for a headache tonic, which meant I'd be up for a few more hours anyway. Might as well pretend I was going to be productive. Maybe Sirius'll still be around, and I can give him grief for leaving me in such a state. And maybe ask him for advice on how to go about snagging his best mate. I snorted at the thought. Much as I liked Sirius, I knew anything I said to him would inevitably get back to James, and I definitely did not want that.

However, Sirius was no where to be found. Remus and Peter were absent too, though I wasn't sure I wanted to talk to them, either, and Mary must have gone to bed, which was a bit disappointing, as I probably could have used another talk with her. Being alone with my thoughts almost certainly wasn't the best move at the moment.

I was pretty much ignored by everyone reveling in Saturday night freedom, which was perfectly fine by me. I plopped down onto a couch by the fire, tossing my books carelessly on the cushion beside me. Leaning my head back, I closed my eyes and concentrated on easing my throbbing head until—

"You know, they make beds for that. Ones in quiet rooms, too."

I cracked an eyelid to see James take a seat across from me, dropping his bookbag on the table between us.

"Yes, that would be nice, if my head didn't feel like someone was beating the inside of it with a hammer." Closing my eyes again, I added resentfully, "I hate Sirius."

"Ah. Well, I'll have to let him know I can sympathize with him sometime, if he'd like."

It took me a minute to realize he was referring to a specific alcohol-induced event from earlier this evening, rather than my general history of hatred towards him. When I did, I opened my eyes again with a grimace. "Er, right—I didn't mean that. I was just . . . well, I'm sorry. About, you know, everything today."

James shrugged and reached for his bookbag.

As he started digging through it, I said incredulously, "You are doing homework on a Saturday night?"

James shot me a quick smile before resuming his digging. "Well, I haven't really done any the past two days—"

"And that's different from your usual schedule?"

"Well, no, not really, but—" he stopped, frowning into his bag. "Actually, that might not change if I can't find my—oh." Suddenly, he looked uncomfortable.

"What?"

Clearing his throat, James said quickly, "Er, nothing—it's just, I was going to do Transfiguration, but you, er . . . still have my book."

An awkward silence descended between us. "Right," I said finally, staring at James's left knee because I couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes. "Well, I can go get it, if you want." Glancing up at him, I was relieved to find that he wasn't looking at me either; instead, he was pulling out his Charms book and notes.

"No, don't worry about it. I can just get it tomorrow."

"Yes, that's probably better anyway. If I went up there now, I'd probably be too tempted by my bed to make it back down here."

James smirked at the blank parchment he was now scribbling on. "I thought your head hurt too much to sleep."

"I'm glad you find amusement at my pain," I returned.

James just frowned in response, though I wasn't sure if it was directed at what I'd said, or a particularly difficult Charms question. I watched him work in silence for a while, alternating between a need to shout at him for being such a prick and the urge to leap across the table and snog the daylights out of him.

It was during a bout of the latter that he suddenly looked up at me, and I felt my heart lodge itself in my throat as I considered for one fearful (or was it wonderful?) second that he'd read my mind. But what he said next was completely unexpected.

"We're not dating."

I couldn't help replying, "Hmm, yes, I do seem to recall declining a heavy number of proposals to that purpose." Yeah, that's great, Lily—just drive him further away.

James glared at me. "Not us, Evans—Audrey and I. She just—she asked me a couple of days ago if I wanted to go to Hogsmeade this weekend, and I agreed because, you know, she's a fun girl, but there's not—I mean, we're not . . . seeing each other," he finished.

To his credit, I was the one who broke eye contact first. "Er, okay," I said, picking at a stray thread on my skirt as I tried to work out why he was telling me this.

"Right, well, I thought you should know, because you seemed . . . well, earlier you were—"

"It didn't have anything to do with that," I cut in, wondering where all these lies were coming from, and wishing I could stop them. "But thanks for telling me, anyway."

James nodded and returned to his homework, frowning slightly again.

"A.J. and I broke up," I said abruptly, and James looked up so fast it was a wonder he didn't get a crick in his neck.

"You did?" he asked, actually sounding surprised, which only made me feel more hopeless about the current mess I was making of the situation. And when he added, "I'm sorry," as though he genuinely meant it, I had to fight the frustrated scream that threatened to burst from my lips.

"It's fine," I muttered, fiddling with the frayed patch on my skirt again.

"Lily, about the . . . um, other thing," James continued, and it was I who looked up quickly this time, "It—it was a—that is, I shouldn't have . . ."

Hearing him attempt to write off our near-kiss as a mistake was the final blow, and suddenly, I didn't think I could stand being near him another minute. Still, I managed to say, "It's okay—you've obviously moved on, so we'll just . . . pretend it never happened." I grabbed my books and made to leave.

"Lily—" James started.

I turned back, and because I didn't want to hear anything else he had to say, I interrupted again. "Don't let me forget to give you your Transfiguration book tomorrow, yeah?"

Though he clearly wanted to say something else, James eventually settled with joking, "I think the threat of McGonagall's wrath for unfinished homework will be motivation enough for me to remember."

Nodding, without even an attempt at a smile, I walked quickly towards the girls' staircase, making it all the way back to my dormitory before the tears began to fall.

A/N: I always feel sort of weird/arrogant saying this, but … I really like this chapter. Anyway, hope y'all did too. Also, just so you can mentally prepare yourselves, there will probably be another cliffie at the end of the next chapter. I know, I know, but what can I say? I'm a cliffhanger whore.

Until next time!