To Hurt The One You Love
Chapter Two : Issues
Callen's P.O.V
Everyone has issues.
Commitment issues, abandonment issues…that's what we had. But issues aren't limited to those two. There are hundreds and thousands of issues, each joining together to separate this world into two types of people : people like us, who are filled with issues, and people like Nate, who have issues but ignore them anyway, choosing to mess with other people's issues instead.
If you ask me, people like Nate have the most issues of them all.
The Monday after our trip to the flea market, I wake up earlier than usual to find an empty space next to me.
"Kenz?" I call out, noting that the shower isn't running. I'm about to reach for my gun as she walks in, her hair dripping, indicating that she's fresh out of the shower.
"Couldn't sleep," She shrugs, smiling lightly. I admire her Herculean effort, her attempt to keep her emotions from me. It's a punch to my gut, knowing that I'm the reason for all her pain, but I know that I'll do anything to keep her alive, even if it means hurting her. And right now, that's my only option.
"So you got up at the crack of dawn and decided to get ready for work?" I get out of bed, knowing even as I'm speaking these words that she really had no other choice: like me, once Kensi's out of bed, she just can't fall asleep again.
I head for the bathroom, feeling her stare on me. It's not on purpose; she's just used to following my every move. "It's not like I could doze off again." She pulls her towel tighter around her form, somehow slipping up and showing her pain. It's a protective move; she's trying to protect herself from the hurt I've inevitably caused her in my effort to keep her away, and therefore, safe.
I nod in understanding. "Good morning," I kiss her as I pass by her. She melts into me, somehow unable to let go.
As she moves to deepen the kiss, I find myself going through my next move. If my previous actions haven't caused her to completely hate me, this surely will.
Somehow, even though this is what I want right now, the mere thought of it causes me indescribable pain; loving Kensi from afar while making her hate me will be the hardest thing I will ever do.
"Marry me."
Kensi lets out a disbelieving snort at these words. "Seriously, G? You're drunk?"
Callen pulls back from the kiss, keeping his firm hold on her shoulders. "Marry me." He says simply, looking into her eyes.
"Callen." Kensi squirms uncomfortably, getting him to release his hold on her. She walks out of the living room, into the kitchen where they'd left their dinner. "You're joking. I'm a first-date only girl and you don't date law enforcement. And even though we've somehow managed to stay together, that doesn't mean that we're ready to get married." Her voice breaks on the last word. She turns to face the kitchen counter, avoiding his gaze as he trails after her.
"We've got issues, Kenz." Damn it, even the sound of his voice alerts those butterflies to his presence! "I'll be the first to admit that. But I love you. And I want to marry you. For the first time in my life, I actually want to spend my life with someone. With you."
She turns around to face him, momentarily abandoning the cartons of take-out. "And what about me?" She's near hysterical right now, all of her fears running through her mind. Somehow, she's content with what they have right now. And marriage…it might be their breaking point. What if they're not strong enough? She wants to be with him too, but not at the risk of losing him.
"Don't you want to be with me?" Callen is taken aback for just a minute, but then his eyes twinkle and she knows that he's got her trapped and he's not going to let her go.
She sighs. It's pointless to lie to him- she can't. He can read her like an open book, and he will read her. "Of course I do." She admits softly, in barely more than a whisper. But those four words are enough to alert him to her pain. He closes the distance between them and wraps his arms around her waist, soothing her by running his hand in circles on her back.
"Hey…" He calms her. "What's wrong?"
It takes her a moment to reply, but when she does, her words are muffled against his shoulder. He pulls back and gently cups her face between his hands, pressing his forehead against hers. "Again, Kenz," He murmurs softly so that she'll stay calm. "And this time, not against my shirt."
Her lips curve up in a slight small as he'd been hoping for and he responds with a smile of his own. "God, I love you." She whispers, no longer uncomfortable with these words.
He keeps his thoughts to himself, knowing better than to interrupt her flow of thoughts right now. He gives her a moment to collect her thoughts; patiently waits for her to speak.
"We're so screwed up." She states, her voice trembling slightly as she holds in a laugh; he laughs for her. "Seriously, we are." She tells him, stepping out of their embrace to brace herself against the cool surface of the countertop, cooling down her sweaty palms; her flushed cheeks.
He leans against the door, giving her the space she needs. She starts talking again. "We've got issues."
"We can work through them." He tries to convince her. She gives a dry laugh.
"With Nate?" She asks wryly.
"Not necessarily."
"So…with a stranger? Who'll have to listen to an abridged story, since most of our issues are somewhat confidential or top-secret?"
"What do you want, Kensi?" He sighs, choosing the safer route.
"I don't know!" She cries, frustrated. He walks towards her, gently steering her into one of the chairs.
"Kensi," He speaks her name to get her attention. She maintains eye contact with him as he goes on. "Do you want to be with me?" He speaks each word slowly, clearly. This requires no thought; her response is immediate.
"Yes. But-" He cuts her off.
"-No buts. That's it; just a yes. Everything else can wait." She's overwhelmed by all of this; first he wants to marry her, then he's patient when she shoots him down. Really, it's just too much for a girl to handle on an empty stomach.
He smiles, just a small, understanding smile as he lets her get up on her feet and focus on dinner. He leans against another side of the kitchen counter, silently watching her.
"Eventually." She says out of nowhere, her face-and therefore, her emotions- still out of his sight. He pins a quizzical gaze on her. "I'll marry you…eventually." She clarifies, busying herself with the task of emptying the contents of the cartons into serving dishes.
"And the issues?" He presses gently, taking out the necessary cutlery for their dinner. She finishes her task and turns to face him.
"We'll work through them, privately. Who else knows us better than us, right?" She says nonchalantly.
He's grinning now, she realizes. He's happy, and she's responsible for it. Just that single thought cheers her up.
"So you'll marry me?"
She gives this a moment's thought.
"Ask me in a few months."
"And you'll say yes?" He wants to know. She smiles at him, knowing that he knows her answer will be positive. And so she tells him the truth.
"Eventually."
It's dinnertime and I know Kensi's waiting for me with some semblance of a proper meal. She's told me that it's take-out for the night; she doesn't feel so well and I won't be home in time to make us something.
I look around the empty space. She'd left during lunchtime, pleading a bad headache. Eric and Nate had gone home an hour before; Sam just left a few minutes ago.
Hetty's probably in her office; I'm counting on her to be there, and thankfully, she is.
"Ah, Mr. Callen!" She says in that endearing way of hers. "Just the man I was looking for. How is Ms. Blye?" I feel the corner of my lips curve in a slight smile; Hetty never did refer to her as Mrs. Callen. She said it would be too confusing, and besides, she preferred to keep our personal matters separate from the job.
"She's better," I tell her truthfully; I'd called back half an hour ago. "She's downed a couple Aspirin and napped for a while."
"Ah," Hetty nods thoughtfully. "The poor dear is stressing herself. You're not helping matters, obviously." She shoots me a disapproving look.
Hetty is the only one who knows the real truth; she's the only one who knows why I'm hurting Kensi this way.
And she doesn't agree.
Of course, she respects me too much to betray my trust, but she's constantly trying to get me to change my mind. There is always more than one option, Mr. Callen. No situation leads you to an inevitable path; instead, it presents you with a crossroads.
Hetty thinks I should tell everyone the truth and then sit around waiting for all of them to die along with me. She left out the second part of the sentence, of course.
"You know why I'm doing this, Hetty." I tell her for what seems to be the millionth time.
"It doesn't mean that I have to agree, Callen." She says curtly, dropping the 'Mr.' that she usually uses to refer to me. "Now, here's what you requested." She hands me a file with a new alias; another integral part of my plan.
"Mr. John Robinson, originally from Texas. Left home at the age of 16 and never looked back. Now works as a bodyguard, currently working for one Ms. Sarah Michele, a lawyer who finds Southerners extremely irresistible." Her voice is clouded with disdain as she gives me my new identity.
"And why am I undercover?" I test her once again.
"Ms. Michele now finds herself tied to certain…contacts we would like to bring in." She feeds me the same story I had concocted, the one that would keep Kensi safe.
"I hope you know what you are doing, Mr. Callen." Hetty eyes me carefully, trying, once again, to contest my decision.
"It's the only way to keep her safe, Hetty." I sigh. "If she hates me, and I'm in an affair," I wince at the word, the mere thought of it disgusting me. "They won't have any reason to go after her."
"Very well."
With those words, I am dismissed. I head back to my desk, flipping open the file as I walked. Inside, there's a picture of Sarah Michele.
I observe her as I pick up my stuff, ready to seal away the file somewhere Kensi won't be able to get to.
Sarah is blond, with green-eyes. She's from a well-off family, a third-generation lawyer. Graduate of Harvard Law School, interned at some top-shot law firm before even going to law school, made partner by the age of 30…
As I memorize these statistics, only one thought runs through my mind continuously. The only thought that matters.
She's not Kensi.
Everyone has issues.
Eventually, Kensi and I worked through mine. We got engaged, married; we built a life together. But somehow, these issues have a knack for following you. Somehow, they trail after you. They come back for you.
Kensi and I worked through our issues. But when tragedy hit us, the pain of it all dredged all these ugly issues back up. And when I put my plan in motion, these issues raged, full-force.
And right now, these issues are the only thing that will keep Kensi away from me…and safe.
Chapter Two down! Please note that I finished this chapter before posting the first, so the only feedback I have to go on right now is that from the prologue. Thanks so much for all the reviews and favs and alerts – it's always nice to know that you're doing something right, because otherwise, why would so many people like this?
Okay, now I'm babbling.
As usual, review or PM me if you'd like to!
E Salvatore,
March 2011.