To Hurt The One You Love
Chapter Three : Out of Sight…And Mind?
Kensi's P.O.V
Out of sight, out of mind.
In our relationship, we're constantly working to prove this old saying wrong. After all, the alternative would be to admit that all those undercover ops had successfully pushed each other out of our minds.
Time after time, we remind each other that there's no one else; it's only work. We come home at the end of the day and we prove to the other just how in love we are with them. We wake up in the morning and we share our gratitude over the fact that we're together.
But someday, I know that these six words will prove true. Someday, when I'm out of his sight, I might just be out of his mind.
It's Thursday.
It's Thursday, and he's going undercover for the next week, after giving me only two days' notice. Maybe, before all of this, I would have been upset, and anxious, and really, really moody. But after all that we've been through these past few months, it doesn't seem worth it to get all worked up over something this trivial.
Everyone's waiting for us upstairs, where Eric will run through the case one last time before he leaves. Not that he needs to – the details are imprinted in my mind, indelible.
Mr. John Robinson, from Texas, bodyguard to one Sarah Michele, a lawyer with brains and beauty, not to mention lots and lots of money. Did I mention the part where she's sure to fall for my husband?
Yeah.
He'd waited for me to be in a neutral mood – I'm never in a good mood anymore – before telling me about this case, knowing that I would be sensitive after what had happened the last time. I'd swallowed all my emotions, plastered a smile on my face and said, "Do what you have to."
Even he had expressed shock at this. After all, it's not every day that your wife basically says, 'Go ahead, do what you have to do, as long as she believes you're falling for her too.' It's this seal of approval, one with no limits, one which says, 'Don't blow your cover. Do all that is necessary. Do not, under any circumstances, compromise your identity.'
Of course, last year's Kensi would have said, 'Just tell her the truth. Tell her you're her bodyguard-slash-NCIS Agent, who's here to protect her and bring in the bad guys, no more, no less. Tell her that you're married, that you have a wife you're crazy in love with.'
But this Kensi, the new Kensi who's suffered through more pain than anyone should be asked to endure- she doesn't care anymore.
Actually, that's a lie.
She cares; I care. I feel like shouting; like pleading him to not go, because after the last time, this would surely drive me crazy. Because if he does again what he did to me then, I would reach a breaking point no one should ever have to hit.
If he betrays me; if he turns his back on our vows one more time, I might just walk.
"G, here!"
Sam's calling to him, he realizes as he walks towards the conveyer belt where everyone is jostling each other to get a better view of their luggage.
"Hey." He smiles, glad to see a familiar face after months of undercover operations with no one alongside him. They do that weird man-hug that no woman will ever understand as his eyes search for the one familiar face he's really desperate to see. Sam steps out of their loose hug and notices his glance.
"Kenz wasn't feeling well." He says apologetically, knowing that Callen is bound to be disappointed. Callen's smile drops off his face but he quickly brushes aside his feelings, worry for Kensi now dominating his mind.
"Is she okay? Was it a case? I swear, if another suspect hurt her…" He growls as Sam spotted his luggage and easily plucks it out of the belt. Sam laughs.
"Overprotective much, G?" He teases as Callen picks up his bag and they start walking out. "It's just a headache, though Hetty thinks it's also a case of heartache."
Callen's heart warms up at the thought of Kensi missing him as much as he missed her. "Hetty's always thinking something." He tells Sam, unwilling to display his emotions.
"Now that is right." Sam walks out before Callen and he expects Sam to look for the car. Instead, he turns around to face Callen. "Well, my shift's over. See you Monday." He walks away.
Callen is just about to call after Sam and demand an explanation when a pair of hands wrap around his face, blocking his vision. "Miss me?" She whispers in his ear and he catches on immediately to what Sam had been saying.
He gently pulls aside her hands and turns around to face one Kensi Blye, operative extraordinaire and most importantly, his girlfriend. "The real question," He tells her, unable to keep his grin off his face. "Is whether you missed me?"
She pouts playfully, crossing her arms over her chest. "Fine, be that way." Kensi stalks off towards her car, leaving him gaping after her. He quickly picks up his luggage and runs after her.
"Of course I did," He tells her, an answer to her question. He wraps his free hand around her waist, pulling her close to him. "I missed you so much, I almost blew my cover."
She gasps at this and wrenches his hand away, turning around to face him. "Are you insane? That was a huge op, Callen. It would have been a huge waste-"
He cuts off her rant by pulling her close and pressing his lips against hers, molding her against him as people alter their courses to avoid bumping into them, grumbling about shameless people who aren't considerate enough to even think about others. She moans before pulling back, her accelerated heart rate causing her breathing to become heavy.
"That was just sneaky." She informs him, smiling nonetheless as his arm once again comes around her waist, allowing her to lead him to the car.
"But so worth it." He grins and she smiles.
"Definitely," She agrees, and after a moment's thought adds in her next words. "I missed you too."
They reach the car and he fits his luggage into the trunk as she slides into the driver's seat. He gives up without a fight and gets into the passenger seat next to her, revealing just how tired he really is. She starts the engine and pulls out of the lot as he puts on his seatbelt, a comfortable silence reigning over them.
As she drives past colorful stores and streets, filled with locals and tourists alike – it's a nice day – he turns to face her, his gaze contemplative. She stops at a red light and looks at him, smiling slightly as she waits for him to speak.
Finally, he forms a sentence. "I'm never going undercover for that long without you again." He decides, something the old, pre-Kensi G Callen would never have said. The old pre-Callen Kensi Blye might have freaked out at this, but this Kensi laughs and nods.
"Never," She agrees. "Though we might have to give it some thought if we can go undercover together."
They drive in contemplative silence until he realizes that the route they're on isn't one to his, or her, place. "Hey, Kenz?" He speaks up, curious.
"Hmm?" She hums distractedly, focused on the road.
"Where are we going?"
She gives this a moment's thought before speaking up. "The beach."
He smiles – she knows him well. Well enough to know that after months away, he'd like nothing more than to drive along the beach with her.
And so she takes the long way home, driving along the beach as they talk about his operation and her new cases. Finally, as the sun sets, she turns to the main road that will take them home.
"I missed you a lot." She says out of nowhere, an echo of her previous words.
"Me too." He grins, still unaware of her thoughts.
"And I had some time to think." She tells him as she turns the last corner to her place. It's an unspoken agreement that he'll be spending the weekend there – after all, he's all but officially moved in.
"About?" He prompts her after a moment of silence. They're arrived and so she kills the engine, takes off her sunglasses. She releases her seatbelt and he does the same as she turns around to face him.
"Us." She states, her earnest gaze pinned on him. He can see that she's not done yet, and so he doesn't speak up, afraid she might leave the sentence incomplete if interrupted.
"And that led me to think about everything, and how everyone's been with us, and those issues we talked about…"As she rambles, his face lights up in a grin, her last words a clue to what she's about to say. She sucks in a sharp breath, her next words the key to their happily ever after.
"Ask me." She doesn't even need to clarify her words; he knows exactly what she means. And so he pulls out the little velvet box he's kept with him for months, the one he'd snatched out of his carry-on the minute they'd landed, pops the lid open to reveal a simple engagement ring he knows she'll love. He levels his gaze with hers, showing her just how nervous and happy he is.
"Marry me, Kensi Blye?" He turns the last word, her surname, into a question, asking her just as she had asked him to.
A grin breaks out on her face; her eyes light up as she nods. Her answer is affirmative, unwavering; one filled with conviction. It leaves no room for doubt or questioning.
"Of course, G Callen."
I gently blow on my steaming cup of coffee, trying to speed up the cooling process. The shrill ringing of my phone nearly causes me to jump and spill the steaming liquid all over me, but luckily I keep my cool and place the cup on the kitchen counter instead.
As I pull out my phone from my handbag which rests on the kitchen isle, I sneak a glance at the caller ID. Callen, it reads. A smile graces my features, an automatic reflex even though my heart doesn't jump the way it used to and my stomach isn't fluttering, not with butterflies and certainly not with a baby. This last thought causes my curved lips to straighten out, and it takes all of my strength to keep my lips from trembling.
"Hey." I pick up a moment too late; he's probably worried by now.
"Hey. Everything alright?"
Yeah, definitely worried. "Sure. I was in the kitchen." Technically, this isn't a lie. I was in the kitchen. I'd just omitted the part where I'm still in the kitchen. My conscience causes me to make my way to the living room as I speak these words. I sink down on the couch, my limbs tired from chasing a suspect earlier today.
"Oh." It takes a moment for him to think of something and I feel a pang as I think to myself, we never had awkward silences before this.
"How was work?"
He's making small talk. From this, I gather that he's probably 'at home', the pool house Sarah Michele has graciously offered him.
"The usual. Sam got bitch-slapped by a female suspect while I chased down the guy." This earns me a dry laugh, a welcome reprieve from the awkwardness.
"Why is it that I always miss the good days?"
"Because you're always undercover." I speak without thought; unfiltered words. My heart plummets as I think of the implications of my words. The awkward silence returns.
"You should probably get some sleep. I know I could use some." I tell him after a beat.
"Yeah. Long day and all." His speech is stilted; he's uncertain of his words.
"Mmm-hmm…" I hum, picking at the loose threads of the blanket I usually drape over the arm of the couch. He senses that he's lost my attention, and so he speaks up.
"Hey, Kenz?"
"Hmm?" I hum in a questioning lilt, letting him know that I'm still on the line.
"Love you."
The tears come hard and fast; they almost escape me as I focus on my trembling lips. I choke back a sob; is he lying? Is he trying to prove that I'm still on his mind, in his thoughts? Is he trying to avoid another incident?
Will this turn out like the last time?
He's waiting for an answer; and so I give him one that comes just a moment too late; one that I'm not entirely convinced in. I make my way back into the kitchen.
"Love you too."
He's smiling as he cuts the line; I'm sure of that. I recklessly throw my phone on the kitchen table; the mere sight of my cup of coffee is now revolting. I wander into the bathroom, deciding that I can afford to have a bath; after all, it's not like there's anything good on TV at this time.
My mind is screaming at me: Are you crazy? Or just masochistic? Do you want to torture yourself?
I ignore myself; fill up the tub, pour in some lavender-scented body wash, trade my clothes for a fluffy robe and clip my hair out of my face. As I wait for the tub to fill, I re-enter the kitchen to retrieve my phone and force myself to have a few sips of coffee; no sense in wasting a perfectly good cup. Going back to the bathroom, I place my phone on a shelf, prepared for the possibility of being called in to work a case.
The tub hasn't filled; I straighten out the magazines spread on the coffee table, neatly fold up the blanket from before. I sigh heavily when I realize there's nothing left for me to do – time to face my demons.
I shut the door behind me, hang up my robe on a hook and make sure that my hair isn't going to fall out of the twist anytime soon.
I breathe deeply, preparing myself for what awaits me. Then I slip into the water and let my thoughts run rampant through my mind.
It's gonna be a long night.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Whoever came up with this saying would've had their butt kicked by me a million times. Sam had once jokingly thrown out this pearl of wisdom before Callen had left for his long undercover op, the one which had convinced me of the fact that I couldn't live without him.
Let me tell you, it wasn't a pretty sight. I'd pretty much blown up at him, using my mood swings as an excuse for my behavior afterwards.
"Damn it, Sam," I'd yelled at him, astonishing our entire team, Hetty included. "Are you trying to piss me off? Because I'm in a really bad mood, and you just gave me a perfect excuse to hit someone."
Callen had pulled me aside; away from prying eyes. He'd talked to me; promised that out of sight didn't necessarily mean out of mind, that it most definitely did not mean that to him.
I'd trusted him then; I'd always trusted him. Callen's word was sacred, an unbreakable oath. My faith in him had been so strong; it had shocked all of us.
I had always trusted him. Since Day One, I had entrusted my life to him, and he had entrusted his to mine. Of course, we'd both done the same for Sam, but there had always been something different between the two of us. And he hadn't been kidding – I really was his favorite agent.
Now though, my trust in him had been shaken. The last time had hurt me so much, had bruised my faith. And right now, I'm just not sure what to believe in anymore.
Because the last time, I'd been out of his sight…and mind.
Chapter Three and score two points for me: I've been updating daily since the prologue, and this chapter actually is where the prologue came from. Hope this fits as well as it does in my mind.
Shout-out to evershort, whose reviews are a constant joy to me and who's one of my fav CaKe authors!
As always, feel free to review or PM me…you guys really keep me going, and your input helps me more than you think.
P.S, the next chapter should be in Callen's P.O.V, but I've decided that there's more for me to write in Kensi's P.O.V, to really let you guys know how she's feeling and all. And Chapter Five will be in her P.O.V too, so you won't be reading Callen until the sixth chapter. Hopefully, you guys will understand when you're reading Chapter Four!
E Salvatore,
March 2011.