To Hurt The One You Love
Chapter Six : Final Goodbye
Callen's P.O.V
The final goodbye.
It all sounds a little dramatic to me. Or, it used to. But right now, as I make the long drive home, I know that's what I'm about to face. I know that Kensi isn't one to stand for what I've done; it's one of the many reasons why I love her.
But somehow, even when you say your final goodbyes, you find yourself at a loss.
Because your heart just won't let go.
I drop by the office before facing her; maybe I'm stalling, maybe I just need some more time to reconcile with the fact that I've effectively driven away the only woman I'll ever love.
As I walk in, I experience a moment of irrational fear: what if she's here right now? What if she's decided to just work through the night and she's here right now? She's not expecting me, but she'll probably get over the shock of it pretty fast and demand a divorce right away.
As I walk in, it's pretty obvious that I'm the only one here right now. I sigh and close my eyes for a second; thank God I haven't started seeing things, because yes, I am tired enough for that to happen. It's been a long night; I decide to simply spend the night here and drive back in the morning. Once again, I'm perfectly aware that I'm stalling as I take a shower and pull out the extra clothes we all keep here.
I'm walking to the couch when I first realize that I'm not alone. There are lights on- how could I have missed that? Some operator I am. My first guess is Hetty- she's always here. Well, it is Hetty…and also Nate.
"Ah, Mr. Callen." Hetty says in a pleasant but distracted tone as she looks away from Nate and their conversation. Her eyes, however, harden and she's definitely not smiling. And so I know I've disappointed her.
I never did like disappointing Hetty.
Maybe it's because she's always stood up for me against most people, even when she was openly pissed off at me. Maybe because over the years, I'd somehow started seeing Hetty as family. Maybe it's just because she's my boss and it's never a good thing to disappoint your boss.
Nate looks up from the file he's studying and keeps a neutral expression. "Callen? What are you doing here?"
I'm about to answer him when Hetty speaks up. "Nate, could you leave us for a few minutes." She phrases her words as a question but we all know it's an order. Nate shrugs and walks away as I trail after her. She leads me to the couch before turning around to face me, remaining upright.
"Back to the couch, I see." She observes. "Do I assume Miss Blye has confronted you? Perhaps even kicked you out, just as you planned? It is, after all, your grand plan to keep her safe by hurting her first."
"Uh, no." I'm taken aback by Hetty's hostility. "I'm just spending the night here; to give her some time to think." I explain, sitting down on the couch; no point in being subtle. Hetty knows all, as usual.
"Giving yourself some time to accept this, you mean." She says coldly, obviously not pleased by what I've done. I sigh; a pissed-off Hetty isn't something anyone in their right mind would like to deal with. I prepare myself for the rant of a lifetime when suddenly, she sits down next to me.
"You, " She turns to face me. "Are one of the most idiotic agents – and truly, men – I've ever faced. And I trust you know that I have faced many, many, politicians, most of whom were idiots in their own right."
Hetty has this way of talking, I notice, that just makes you feel like an imbecile. Or a really young, immature guy. I guess when you've lived through what she has, you're just automatically that much more intimidating. See the world and all the ways it's screwed up, and you have a little more authority over the younger people.
"What you are doing to Miss Blye disappoints me beyond words." She says simply, standing up. "And her actions, whatever they may be, will be fully condoned and justified by this department."
I gulp- what Hetty means to say is this: I've got a lot of contacts, and should your wife choose to harm you physically, just know that I won't protect you…because I told you so. The last part is just that obvious.
Great. Even Hetty thinks Kensi should kick my ass.
She's waiting for me to say something, I realize as I note her expectant gaze. "I know, Hetty." I sigh and decide to tell her the truth. "But as long as she's safe, I really don't care what happens to me. You know that."
She nods. "That much, I do know. But as for the rest of it, I've simply given up deciphering the inner workings of your brain."
"Who knows, she might kill me and get rid of all the Russians. Less paperwork." I joke to break the sudden silece. Her answering glare wipes the half-grin right off my face. "Bad joke. Right."
She sighs heavily. "I know you want only the best for Miss Blye…but don't you think she has the right to choose for herself?" Actually, she does have the right. But I know that if given the choice, Kensi will stick with me even if it means that she'll be putting herself in danger; Kensi values our vows above anything else.
I remain silent, thinking about this. Hetty leaves me with a few parting words which make me second-guess all of my choices.
"Did you know, Mr. Callen, that it is in fact, possible, to die from a broken heart?"
I let her leave in silence, though my mind has an answer to her question. One that seems a little too emotional...though true:
Of course I do, Hetty. I'm dying from one right now.
Callen bursts into the room, doors swinging wildly behind him.
"What happened?" He demands. "What's wrong? Damn it, Sam, tell me." Sam rises from his seat and glares at Callen.
"You want to know what happened?" He says animatedly, his actions tense from the anger he's feeling. "What happened is that you were MIA this morning, and so I drag Kensi to the field, where some random psycho grabs her, knowing that she's pregnant, and fucking shots her in the stomach." Sam's shaking with rage right now; Hetty stands up.
"Language, Mr. Hanna." She reprimands, though there's an undertone to her voice. "Sit down, both of you." She orders as the doctor comes out.
"Family of Kensi Blye?"
The five of them – Callen, Sam, Hetty, Eric and Nate – crowd around the doctor. "I'm her husband." Callen says in a rush, impatient.
"We did everything we could," The doctor starts and Callen feels his shoulders slump with regret and guilt. "She's still under general anesthesia, so we haven't informed her yet, but I'm afraid we lost the baby."
"Oh Lord," Hetty utters in disbelief, clapping her hand to her mouth. Eric and Nate sink down into their seats while Sam starts cursing. Callen squares his shoulders and hardens his gaze.
"I need to see her." He demands.
"Very well," The doctor nods, uneasy that this man has seemingly no reaction to the loss of his child. "Only one at a time," He tells them as a nurse appears to lead them to Kensi.
Hetty stays back for a moment. "Thank you, doctor. Are there any precautions we are advised to take?" As usual, she's paying attention to the details most would forget; the level-headed one in a crisis.
"She's been shot before?" The doctor asks for confirmation. Hetty nods. "The usual, then. Careful with the stitches, no physical activity and the likes."
Hetty thanks the doctor once more before joining the others who've waited for her near the elevators. "You people have no manners what-so-ever." She chides, though they know she's just channeling her grief in a different way.
They stay silent until they reach the floor Kensi's on. The nurse leads them to some chairs near Kensi's room, inviting them to sit there and take turns visiting Kensi. As expected, Callen goes first.
When he opens the door, she stirs a little, barely awake.
"G?" She calls; her voice is small, scared.
"Hey," He says softly in what he hopes is a soothing, calming manner. He walks to her side, pulling up a chair next to her bed.
"What happened?" She asks, disorientated and drowsy. He inhales deeply- he'd known this was a possibility all along, but to actually have lost their baby…and to break it to her…
"Kenz, what do you remember?" He probes gently. She stays silent for a moment, needing some time to pull up her memories as she fights against the hazy state of her mind.
"Sam and I were after a suspect." She says slowly, walking him through the events.
"It was a dark alley and the guy wasn't there. So I turned around, to tell him that we're clear…and then…" She trails off, quiet as she recalls the events. He keeps silent as her emotions play out across her face. First denial, then pain, and slowly, fear.
"Callen, please." She begs, her eyes pooling with tears. "My baby…"
He takes both of her hands in his, squeezing gently. "Kenz, I'm so, so sorry. This is all my fault…" He explains as she goes rigid.
"No." She says firmly, unwavering in the belief that nothing could have taken her baby away from her. "This is not happening. Why are you lying to me? Why-"
"Shh…" He calms her. "We lost her." He murmurs. "We lost her."
She wrenches her hand from his as acceptance plays on her face. Within moments, she's hysterical, tears coming fast and strong as she starts screaming.
"You weren't there, Callen!" She blames him. "You weren't there and this is all your fault! You weren't there!"
She's repeating these three hateful words as the doctors rush in; as the team gathers outside the open door to observe what's going on.
Her final words are murmured softly, and yet they cause the most hurt, not just for him, but for her too. Because her last words are what lead to his plan weeks later. Because in his bid to keep the truth from her, he's spawned a lie he could never reveal. Because while he was off figuring out ways to keep them alive, he'd lied and covered it up with the Rebecca Bryans case. And so, Kensi's last words before she drifts off are the most painful, because they are based on a lie.
"You weren't there…because of her."
I open the door only to walk into total silence. I close the door behind me; cautiously walk to the living room. I don't say anything in fear of aggravating her. She greets me with the sight of her standing up, her handbag next to her, on the coffee table.
I freeze in my tracks, right after the door. Everything's quiet as I wait for her to speak; I won't even try to defend myself. It's recklessness on my behalf; because she'll get suspicious if I don't even try, but I don't want to lie to her. Not anymore. Suddenly, with no sign or warning, she speaks up in a firm, but tired tone. Her words are simple, clean-cut and clear.
"I'm leaving you now."
"I know." I tell her, fighting to keep my composure; to keep my feelings off my face.
"This isn't working for us anymore." She tells me and I nod. "Once I drive away, it'll be over – all of it. I won't come back, and you won't go after me. This is it; the final goodbye."
She's surprisingly calm…and the whole thing seems almost…neat. As if we've had too much chaos these past few months and she doesn't want to bring anymore during these last few moments.
She picks up her bag; sighs heavily as she walks towards me. She comes to a standstill just a few inches away from me; we never did get the personal space thing.
"Goodbye, G Callen." She says finally, grazing my cheek with her lips. I hold my breath as she pulls away and walks out; I hear the door shut behind her.
That simple click seems to wake me up; I turn around and rush to the door – I just have to see her one last time; see her drive away from all this danger I've put her in. After all that I've put us through, I should at least see her drive away. I open the door and find no one. There's no car driving away, either. I stand still in wander; no one's that fast.
"Did you think it's that easy to get rid of me?"
I turn around and see her standing on the left, leaning against her car; previously hidden from my view. She's amused, as if this is a little game she's been playing this whole while.
I tilt my head in confusion.
"Kenz? What are you doing?"
A smile graces her face. "Getting pissed off at you, of course. Really, you didn't even try to defend yourself. Bad acting much, Callen?" She teases and I walk towards her, thoroughly confused.
"But I thought you left. What are you talking about?" She rolls her eyes and groans.
"Come on!" She cries exasperatedly, swinging her arms outwards.
"I've been out of it these few months, but seriously, all that you've pulled? I know, G. And I'm really, really pissed that you thought you had to protect me from this." She rants.
"Really, G, you should know better. I know how to protect myself, for crying out loud!"
"Kensi, you don't understand." I say; I'm not going to offend her by lying anymore – I'm just going with the truth. "These people are dangerous. They killed our baby. They're after me, and by extension, you." I go on, hoping for her to get to her senses and run the Hell away from here.
Though it's highly impossible.
"Damn it, what I'm telling you is that I know, and I'm staying." She curses, annoyed. She groans and pulls me in, crashing her lips to mine.
As soon as I try to pull away, she wraps her arms around my neck, forcefully keeping me rooted. She moves aggressively against me, trying, I guess, to knock some sense into me. I'm powerless against this; my lips move instinctively against hers, reading all of her frustration, her anger and her love.
She pulls away, gasping for breath though her eyes are shining. She presses her forehead against mine. "I'm staying, G. I don't care what you do next – I'll kick your ass, but I'm staying."
"Kenz, please." I beg, a last-ditch attempt to protect her from all that she doesn't know. What she does know, I figure she knows from Hetty. Or maybe Sam. Hell, I wouldn't bet against Nate telling her the truth.
She growls, thoroughly pissed and annoyed. She pulls away; crosses her arms against her chest. "I. Am. Not. Leaving. Get that into your thick skull, Callen, and stop talking so much."
I sigh, shoulders slumped. "You know they could kill all of us, right?" I check.
"I know." She says casually.
"And you know just how dangerous they are, how much pain they could inflict on us…"I go on, confirming with her that she knows just how much she might loss.
"Damn it, G," She growls again, glaring at me. "For better and for worse, through thick and thin, despite all the crazy dangers we might face in the line of duty." She quotes our vows to my face.
"There's a reason I tacked on the last part." She informs me. "And that's because I knew this would happen. So shut up and accept this, because it's starting to rain and I would like to go in now."
"You said something about a final goodbye." I tell her. She rolls her eyes.
"Yeah, it's final. Because after this, I don't plan on saying goodbye to you again. Ever." Her eyes meet mine; her face softens.
"We're not leaving you, G."
"We?" I question. She smiles and reaches for my hand.
"Me," She places my hand on the flat plane of her stomach.
"And Baby Callen."
Most of the time, the final goodbye can mean the end. It says, I'm done, this is it, ciao.
It can be painful and at the risk of sounding soft, break your heart. It can mean the end of something; it most likely does.
But what I've just found out today; what Kensi's taught me is that sometimes, final goodbyes mean just that.
Sometimes, it's the last goodbye you'll ever have to share with that person…because after that, they're just never leaving you anymore.
I like that kind of final goodbye.
And there's the big chapter, the end of our angst.
I know it's kinda short…and crappy...but this is all I can write right now. And after this, we have 2 more chapters and an epilogue. I'll try to update daily, as usual, but I might be occupied with my grand aunt's funeral and all. (Note : Though if this really does suck, let me know and I'll re-write the entire thing. Seriously. I promise. Though it would be generally the same idea...but maybe a little longer...more emotional...stuff like that.)
Thanks for all the condolences, you all. You're really the best readers ever. To Grand Aunt Kim, this one's for you, because I'm just having a hard time saying my final goodbyes. Love you, forever.
As usual, review or PM me if you'd like to.
E Salvatore,
March 2011.