To Hurt The One You Love
Epilogue : The Truth, The Whole Truth, and Nothing But The Truth
The truth is overrated.
That's how I see it. Everyone wants the truth, but how many of us can really accept it? Everyone wants the truth, but how many of us share it? Everyone wants the truth, but how many of us live it?
That's how I see it. But sometimes, we need the truth. If only for the fact that without it, this story would be forever incomplete.
So here's the truth.
It starts when someone sends him a note.
An eye for an eye, a loved one for a loved one.
These words confuse him, but the news of her pregnancy pushes any and all irrelevant thoughts away from his mind, and so he ignores the innocent note and doesn't think to up their security.
A few days later, when all has settled down and Abby has shared her plans to come visit, they drive out to another crime scene, one of her last before he broaches the subject of desk duty, something sure to find him sleeping on the sofa. The victim is a female Marine, and she leaves behind a husband and no one else, except for a note placed in her hand. He's the first to pry it out of her hand, and so he keeps it to himself, not wanting to worry anyone else, especially his wife.
We are here, Callen. It's only a matter of time.
The handwriting is vaguely familiar, and yet out of place, and so he spends his nights awake, listening to her breathing patterns, hoping to be soothed into sleep; his brain running through dozens of possibilities.
The third note comes just days after, and it is the most personal one yet, for it is slipped into his front door one evening; the only evening he's home before Kensi. And that alone gives him enough insight: they are targeting her, but they want to catch her off-guard. They are targeting her, but they want to hurt him. He gives the note a fleeting glance before calling Kensi, hopping into his car to find her.
She was your only family, and yet you destroyed her.
He knows then why the handwriting is so familiar, and yet, at the same time, foreign. Because this handwriting belongs to another time, another language, another life.
This handwriting should be in Russian, and signed with a flourish by his neighbor, Vladimir Putin. A man he later discovers, after a lot of digging, was his foster sister's childhood sweetheart and fiancé, not to mention the leader of a highly exclusive underground group.
Days come and go and while Abby is here, he entrusts her with the sole responsibility of distracting Kensi while he digs further. Pieces slowly fall together and it isn't long before he realizes what he has supposedly done to gain a grudge with one of the most dangerous Russian gangs: they think he is responsible for the death of Alina.
His first instinct is to set them straight, to tell them, point-blank, that this time they are wrong; this time he is innocent and please, just leave his family out of this. But the agent in him merely scoffs and throws him a disbelieving look: Do you really think they aren't into the age-old rule of shoot first, then question? You're getting soft, Callen - just because you have a family now that doesn't mean everyone else does, too. They won't even care.
The voice makes sense, and it voices out his fears and concerns, and so he spends all of his time without Kensi on research and planning, all the while trying to keep Kensi out of this.
Then comes the day that they attack, and her words inspire his plan, one that is sure to destroy them and kill him, but keep her safe. And that is his sole intention: to keep the one he loves safe, even if it means hurting her.
He'd lied, told her that he would be working on his undercover case, when in fact he had been doing more research and planning. And so, when they strike, they are successful only because he had been too busy trying to prevent this…to actually prevent it.
Her words…and her accusation make it all too clear in his mind how he can drive her away. And so when he finally goes undercover, leaving her alone and distraught, he pushes her to her breaking point by getting himself involved with their suspect, a young woman who is everything Kensi is not, though not necessarily in a good way. He betrays her just days after he causes the death of their baby, and both have happened, in her mind, due to this woman. And though one might scoff and say, Kensi isn't one to fall for that, he would be all too willing, and devastated, to say, Yes, but this is no longer Kensi; this is a woman who has lost her baby and who thinks it is only a matter of time before she loses everything else.
And so begins their painful separation in which he pushes and she runs, instead of fighting back as she always has. He cuts and she flinches, instead of cutting him back. He doesn't make any sense and she slinks away, instead of asking more questions.
But months later, after countless notes and threats, he realizes that she isn't going anywhere; she's empty and hollow, no longer capable of anything, not even leaving him. So he gives her a push, leads her to believe that he has committed the ultimate betrayal.
What he doesn't count on is Hetty destroying his plan after all the pain he has put both of them through; the harm is done, why tell the truth now? There is nothing left to salvage.
But he is wrong. And there is something left to salvage; there is so much more.
And now, he realizes that while you must sometimes hurt the one you love to protect them, other times all you have to do is trust that they will trust you, and tell the truth.
The truth is overrated.
But maybe sometimes, it is something we must share with the ones we love before we risk everything but the truth to keep them safe.
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
Watch out – that fire might just burn someone else.
Joseph Campbell once said:
We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.
Their whole lives had been in front of them, waiting for them. They would have a little girl, one with his eyes and her hair, his resilience and her drive, his brain and her heart.
And just like that, they had lost her. And almost lost each other. But in letting go of the past and in moving on, they had found that sometimes, your plan can only tell you so much. And sometimes, your life holds much more for you.
They had found that their lives held so much more for them…that so much more had been waiting for them.
"Callen, I swear if she doesn't go to sleep soon…"
"Shh…" He presses his lips against hers in a bid to soothe his exhausted wife. "She will, you just have to stop babying her."
Kensi feels his lips curve against hers, amused at her recently discovered maternal instincts. It seems that though she can't stand loud wailing, she also can't stand hearing her baby girl in pain, and so exists the constant inner argument – Leave her alone and let her fall asleep…But it's been ten minutes, something might be wrong…Okay, I'm definitely checking on her…God, please make this stop! I've got an early morning…Poor thing, she's exhausted.
You can see why this might be an inconvenience where parenting discipline is concerned. Callen breaks her out of her thoughts as he moves away. "I'll check on her, okay? You get some sleep."
Kensi nods, relieved that she doesn't have to get up and make another trip to the nursery; it would have been her eighth of the night. "Have I ever told you how much I love you?" She mumbles as she pushes away the covers; it's a warm night, which is probably the cause for the baby's distress.
Callen lets out a low laugh. "All the time." He presses a kiss to her forehead before turning around to walk out.
"Make sure you check on Henry too!" Kensi calls after the retreating form of her husband before shutting her eyes, hoping to catch a little more sleep.
No such luck.
The alarm clock starts ringing the second she feels her mind drift off. Kensi groans, sitting up to silence the offensive object in fear of waking up the twins. She double-checks to make sure that it isn't a false alarm; after all, it feels more like 3 in the morning than 7.
But her eyes tell her that it is most definitely 7 in the morning, and as a very special someone is coming to visit today, she has no time to procrastinate and run the risk of being late to the airport. As she pushes back the covers which have somehow become entangled once more with her limbs, Callen walks in, carrying in his arms the now five-month-old Emilia, or as she is fondly known, Emmy.
"Someone wouldn't sleep," Callen murmurs, gently jiggling the small, cooing child. "And it's morning, anyways." He says casually, tilting his head towards the curtains. Kensi puts on a bright smile despite her exhaustion, helpless against the charms of her daughter. She stands up and allows Callen to gently pass Emmy over to her. The girl's wide, blue eyes stare inquisitively at hers.
"Hey Emmy," She stands up, walking towards the nursery with Callen in tow. "Big day today, huh?" The baby gurgles happily despite the fact that she spent half the night crying her lungs out. But that's Emmy for you: bright and bubbly, though deeply protective of her younger-by-2-minutes-brother. "Let's get Henry." Kensi suggests as Callen picks up the little boy, gently waking him up.
Henry's an angel, sleeping through the night, always feeding without fuss…his calm demeanor had led Kensi to realize that Callen had been very calm as a child, a fact he'd shared in his effort to convince his frazzled wife that no, the hospital hadn't given them the wrong baby.
"Hey boy," Callen says, walking over to join the girls. "You'll sleep through anything, won't you?" The baby barely spares his father a glance before his eyelids flutter shut again.
"Here," Callen motions for Emmy. "Why don't I take care of them while you get ready? Wouldn't want an irritated houseguest."
"You sure?" Kensi asks dubiously, though she knows that the answer is a resounding yes. Callen really does make an amazing father, and between him and Sam, Kensi has never needed to worry about the babies not getting enough fun.
As expected, Callen nods, smiling. Kensi gently places Emmy in her crib, where she immediately starts fussing. Kensi smiles as Callen places Henry in the crib along with her, effectively calming down the small girl.
The last image she notes as she leaves is one of the young twins playfully waving their hands at each other while Callen keeps a watchful eye on both of them, simultaneously pulling out the day's necessities.
Kensi rushes through her motions in the bathroom, thinking of her children. Thirty short minutes later, she's dressed and ready to take care of her children. Walking into the nursery with a bright smile on her face, she arrives just in time to dress the children.
"Your turn," She tells Callen, pulling out small clothes while he gently towels the gurgling twins dry. "We've gotta leave in thirty minutes," She tells him, armed with pants, leggings and tops.
"Dang," Callen says, grinning lightly. "There goes my hair and make-up time." He teases her usual morning rituals. She lightly swats his arm, laughing softly.
"Cut the crap, Callen. You don't want to deal with a disgruntled tech who's flying in from D.C. just to see these two." Callen nods, still grinning. He goes back to drying the kids, seeing to it that they're ready to be handed over to Kensi, who's laying out clothes and packing bags. Amidst all these preparations, Callen finds time to gently tug his wife into his arms, pressing his lips against hers.
"Good morning," He smiles, touching his forehead to hers for a moment.
"Good morning," Kensi murmurs, giving him a light peck before breaking away. "Now go get ready! I've got them, G." She reassures him.
She watches him walk out of the room, going through the motions of getting the kids ready while keeping them happy.
"My little Buttercups," She smiles. "Guess who's here to see you two? Yep, that crazy lady who plays with you all the time!" She says enthusiastically, exhaustion and all forgotten in the presence of her two little miracles.
She's chattering away with Emmy; Henry had drifted off the moment she had replaced him in the crib, fully clothed. Emmy's in her arms, gurgling happily as Callen enters the room. She stretches her arms towards her father, and so Kensi hands her over, scooping up Henry and the bag.
"Time to go to the airport, kids. We're leaving you guys and going on a second honeymoon!" Callen jokes, earning himself another light swat, courtesy of his wife, while the kids stare at him, as clueless as Eric.
Between buckling in a fussy Emmy and trying to keep Henry awake long enough to make sure that he's okay, they realize that they're running a little late. Nevertheless, they're patient with the kids, making sure not to rush through everything, just taking their time.
Because they know it's important to live in the moment, to go through everything and make sure that you don't have any regrets later on. Life is too short for regrets, but not for small moments which define our lives. And today? Today's definitely one of those small moments for this little family, one they should take their time with and appreciate.
After all, there's a CafPow! Place at the airport; Abby should be alright.
Sometimes, life can be a little too greedy; taking anything and everything from you.
And that's when you're put to the test; that's when you have to realize that this is but a moment – a life-defining moment, I'll admit –but just a moment, something that you'll eventually move on from.
Because after that moment comes the next, and that's when you realize that life is really just made up of small take-and-gives; life doesn't take something without giving something back. Eventually, they had gotten their little girl, and a little boy in tow.
You just have to stick around long enough to realize what's in store for you.
You just have to trust in your life, your love… and everything else?
It'll solve itself…in time; in small moments.
So, that's it people: the real end. It's over, finish, done.
I struggled a little with this, not just because it really is the last chapter (obviously) but also because I wasn't sure what to do: something in the future, or this big tell-all that I hoped would answer any lingering questions.
So I settled for both.
But then I ran into a lot of dead ends, got mad at myself a whole lot, and cursed my muse, who's really pissed at me right now. Oh, and I read lots and lots of fanfic. You guys are amazing! And a few more relatives of mine passed…
But then I felt guilty about leaving you guys waiting (not to mention the readers of Baby Sister, who haven't received an update in almost two weeks - ... or is it three?- because I've been working on this fic.) and decided that I'm going to finish this, God damn it, no matter what. And it took me five days, but I'm happy with it, and I hope you guys will be too.
So I'd like to thank all of my reviewers, many of whom I now consider friends: evershort, marie94/marie, Sairs J, Madil93, amblue36, DonStella, anonymous, Anonymous, TwilightPony21, misscsiny, quiltingbren, SuzyloveCSIMiami, JanApril, char, Tiana-P, Ashleigh, Jessica237 and Maira the Panda.
Wow, that list was longer than I thought it would be when I first started with this! So thank you thank you thank you, everyone, for reviewing and sharing your condolences when my grand-aunt passed (I miss her so much!) and just sticking with this story even when I personally thought it sucked.
I will be writing a new CaKe in the near future, though for now I need to focus on my other fic, but for more info you can follow me on Twitter, where I'll be posting info on the new fic. Find me under ESalvatore3, because I want to keep in touch with all of you wonderful readers!
And that's probably the longest good-bye note ever…if any of you are still here, damn, you're good! Once again, thank you everyone, you're my best batch of readers yet, and I love love love all of you!
Catch you all soon…hopefully!
For the last time, this is
E Salvatore
March 2011.
P.S, the kids' names had me stumped for a while before I started browsing, and Henry came to mind easily, so that was that. I struggled with the girl for a while until I ran across Emilia, and the name just stuck with me, despite the fact that I'd tried out a dozen or so other names.