Chapter Three: It Must Be for Real, 'Cause Now I Can Feel
*EPOV*
Inhaling deeply, I took in the scents of the lush forest that surrounded me. The silence, pressing down like a thick blanket, was interrupted by the soothing sounds of a nearby creek.
Where am I?
I knew this place. Realization washed over me as the awareness of my surroundings lulled me into a sense of security. I was standing on the edge of the meadow, again. Waiting for her.
Turning my head side to side, I anxiously looked around, anticipating her appearance. Any moment now. My breath rushed out, relief washing over me as she stepped from the trees on the far side of the meadow, her back to me.
Who is she?
Moonlight cascaded over her petite form, eerily casting her beautiful hair in an ethereal light. I called out to her, running in an attempt to catch up. I knew I wouldn't be able to, but I still had to try. Her pace never slowed and as ever, she didn't turn to acknowledge me.
"Wait! Please wait!" I cried out to her. Her steps faltered for a moment and a pang of familiarity enveloped me. "Wait for me, please," I called again. She stopped completely, face turned up toward the moon. Seeming to take a deep breath to calm herself before slowly starting to turn in my direction…
BEEP…BEEP…BEEP…BEEP
My annoying-as-fuck alarm clock blared incessantly at me, rattling me from my dream and causing me to yet again miss out on identifying the girl who had plagued my every thought for the past few weeks.
Reaching over to the nightstand beside my bed, I slammed my hand down on the top of the alarm clock before rolling over and groaning audibly into my pillow. Great, just the way I need to start my day. Fuck. I needed coffee, but I chose to linger in my bed a few more moments, thinking about her and trying not to think about the other her.
Thirty-two nights. I had dreamed of this girl every night for the past thirty-two nights. The feeling that I had the first time I saw her, even though it was just a dream, overwhelmed me. I knew her; she had been someone important to me. My body reacted instinctively, her magnetic force pulling me forward. Always elusive and just out of reach, I didn't catch up to her in my dream that night, either.
I could feel it—I had been so close to seeing her face. Disappointment and frustration washed over me as I realized that I'd once again nearly discovered my mystery girl's identity, and by extension, possibly my own.
Predictable queasiness assaulted my stomach as I thought about the monumental event that preceded the first dream I could recalling having in almost four years. I had kissed Tanya, or rather, she had kissed me.
Before that night, I had only been haunted by deep brown eyes that seemed to penetrate into my soul, calling out to me and seemingly imploring me not to forget—or to remember, I wasn't sure which. Since that night, the dreams of the still nameless face had intensified and become more vivid, morphing from haunting brown eyes into the delicate frame of a woman with long, flowing hair.
My alarm started to sound again, signaling the end of my 'snooze' time. Hugging my pillow to me for a moment, I thought once more of haunting brown eyes before sitting up, swinging my legs over the side of my bed, and running my hands groggily over my face. The cold from the wood floor jolted me out of my still-sleepy haze.
Padding into the kitchen, I turned on the coffee maker, grumbling to myself that I hadn't purchased the kind with a timer. Walking back down the hall and through my room to the bathroom, I prepared to take a quick shower while waiting for the coffee to percolate.
Stepping into the shower, the water and steam relaxing my tired muscles, I lathered my hair with shampoo. Leaning back into the water, I rinsed my hair and grabbed the soap that Tanya had recently bought for me. It was a new brand and smelled faintly of the forests that surrounded us. Flashes of my mystery girl assaulted me and I found myself gripping my aching cock.
Giving in to the fantasy of finally catching up to her in our meadow, I imagined her long, beautiful legs wrapping around me, her creamy skin illuminated by the moonlight. I tightened my hold and started to stroke my lathered hand up and down. I thought about her hair falling over her shoulder, and what it would be like to run my hands through the silken, mahogany locks, to trail my lips over her shoulder and up her neck, sucking her lobe into my mouth and gently biting down.
I had never wanted anything like I wanted her. I wanted to know everything about her, how her skin would feel as I pressed my fingers into her, the shape and texture of her lips as I kissed her, the sounds she would make as she writhed underneath me while I made her mine.
Perhaps most of all, I wanted to know who she was, and whose name she would call out as she came.
Swallowing hard and trying to steady my breaths, I lifted my arm to the wall of the shower and rested my forehead against it as my dick grew impossibly harder. Tightening my grip, I stroked faster; up, down, from base to tip, twisting my palm slightly as I reached the head and imagined what it would be like if she was there with me.
Eyes rolling back, I groaned and pressed my forehead further into my arm as I picked up speed. I breathed in ragged, gulping breaths, inhaling the steam from the shower and the woodsy scent of the soap. A low grunt emitted from my throat as I thrust my hips harder, pumping myself more furiously. My balls started to tighten as I sped toward my release, imagining her hot little mouth on me, her haunting brown eyes looking up at me as she worked me over.
"Oh please," I groaned out, imagining my mystery girl complying to my appeals, my hand moving faster, stroking harder, longer. As my body tightened, my release building to a satisfying conclusion, flashes, like those from an old movie projector, started in my mind. Her eyes, always those eyes.
With a trembling shudder, my cock started to twitch and pulse in my hand as I came, harder than usual… Well, harder than when I wasn't imagining her. My god…
That had been the most intense orgasm that I could ever remember having. Thoughts of my mystery girl continued to swirl in my head as I cleaned up, barely finishing before the hot water ran out. I was so going to be late for work.
X-X-X-X-X
Finishing up my paperwork, I started to clean off my desk so I could close up for the night. I wasn't sure if it was general lack of sleep, being interrupted from my dream, or the inventory mishap, but days like that day frustrated me. Remembering the incredulous look on Alec's face when I complained about the supplier shortchanging our order of Wilson volleyballs made me realize that I needed a night out.
I had been working for Volturi Outfitters for almost four years. I grimaced at the piles of paperwork stacked on my desk as I remembered how much my life had changed in the time since I started working there, all the way at the bottom as a stocker. The assistant manager position became mine pretty quickly when the owner, Aro, noticed I had a penchant for business. I probably would've become the general manager even earlier if it weren't for Aro's brother and co-owner Caius, who didn't trust anyone, me included.
Picking up an ornate picture frame from the corner of my desk, I chuckled at the memory of the day Aro offered me the promotion. The photograph was taken on the day a large group of campers came through, practically cleaning the store out of equipment. After we finished taking care of them, Aro beckoned me into this very office, telling everyone else to wait outside for us.
"Anthony," he started, looking serious, "I have something important to discuss with you about this store. But first, I'd like to know your intentions toward my niece."
I shook my head as I fought to answer his question without laughing. "My intentions, sir? Toward Tanya?"
I became the new general manager right after I explained that, though I loved her like she was a member of my family, I didn't have any intentions toward Tanya, except strictly platonic ones. It was, after all, because of her that I was still alive.
Almost four years ago, Tanya happened upon the scene of a near-fatal car crash, and although she was alone and not trained to help in any capacity, she stopped to see what she could do. The engine of the car was on fire, and I was trapped inside. Had she been just a moment later, it would have been too late. As she pulled my unconscious body from the wreckage, the car exploded in a burst of flames, destroying everything within it.
She had risked her own life to save mine.
Waking up about a month later in a bed at Palmer Valley Memorial Hospital, I had no recollection of anything from my past. Except for the pair of haunting brown eyes that I wasn't sure belonged there, I still didn't.
The doctors told me that I had had been in a terrible accident, had retrograde amnesia, and that my memory may never return. Due to my injuries from the crash, I remained in the hospital for another month. Tanya had been with me every step of the way, constantly checking in on me and taking me to physical therapy when I was finally released.
She had been so helpful and supportive; it was because of her that I had my job as well as the closest thing to a family that I was going to get without the return of my memory. Her uncle, Marcus, was the doctor that oversaw my treatment, and he convinced his brothers to take a chance and hire me.
It had all been so confusing for me. I don't know what I would have done if Tanya and her family hadn't taken me in, given me a job, and treated me like one of their own. I got along exceptionally well with Tanya's brother-in-law, Garrett, and loved to tease her cousin, Jane. The relationship that I enjoyed with their family made me constantly wonder about my own family; if I had one, did they know I was alive? Were they still looking for me?
Shaking my head, I tried to interrupt the thoughts that were threatening to take over as they had so many times before. My search for my own identity had proven fruitless, leading me to believe that no one was, in fact, looking for me. Tanya's brother, Demetri, had run the VIN number of the car I was driving and searched for any missing persons matching my description, all to no avail.
Logically, it seemed that I must have been alone before the crash, perhaps with no family to speak of, but I just couldn't shake the overwhelming feeling that I hadn't been- that I was missed by someone and I would never be complete or be able to move on until I knew for sure. Practically every thought I had was overshadowed by the brown eyes that resided in my dreams; I couldn't get her out of my head, whoever she was.
It was because of her, or the idea of her really, that I hadn't been able to fully adhere myself to life here in the remote community of Talkeetna, Alaska. I could have a wife and five kids somewhere else for all I knew. With no idea of when or even if my memory would return, I just couldn't do that to anyone—or myself.
Trying to deal with my situation and be happy enough in my job and my place with Tanya's family, I held back from being romantically involved with anyone, especially Tanya. I just couldn't be sure that I hadn't made a commitment to someone else or that I didn't have a family waiting at home for me.
Home, wherever that was…
Brushing my fingertips over the heavy picture frame, I sighed. Standing in the photo with Tanya and me were her sister and brother-in-law, Kate and Garrett, along with her cousins, Alec and Jane. After I found out about the promotion, we stood outside to take the picture—all friends and smiles and so happy. They had all come to mean so much to me.
My gaze fell on Tanya, so beautiful and intelligent. She was everything that I should rationally want in a woman and had been so patient with me for so long. I had decided that it was finally time—time to try and fit together the pieces of my life that could be reconciled to my situation, time to put an end to her waiting, time to live.
It wasn't that I hadn't thought of it before. Kate had set me up on a few dates, but I didn't want to lead anyone on. I just wasn't ready. Not to mention that I felt obligated to take Tanya's feelings into consideration. Just thinking about the crestfallen look on her face when I told her what I had planned for a date one evening with one of Kate's cohorts solidified my resolve to not pursue any romantic relationships. Since I was unwilling to seek one with her, all of that was on the back-burner for me.
It was no secret that Tanya wanted me. She expressed her desire for us to be an 'us' for as long as I had been there and had gotten downright nasty with Kate for arranging a date between myself and someone else. She was constantly touching me, trying to hold my hand or loop her arm through mine. Knowing I could not reciprocate her feelings without the details of my past and my immense respect for her, led me to never encourage her brazen attempts to take our relationship further.
Until that night, that was. That night, all of that was going to change.
A loud guffaw from outside broke me from my musings. Before I could get up to investigate, Garrett came barreling into my office.
"Tony! S'up, dude?"
I rolled my eyes at him. "Don't call me Tony, man. You know that's not my name."
He raised his hands in surrender and lifted his brow. "Really? Anthony's not your name either, brah."
He was right, of course. I had no recollection of my past, including my name. Before releasing me from the hospital, the therapist thrust a sheet of paper containing a list of names into my hand and asked me to choose something. Anthony was one of the first names on the list and it felt…right.
Tony, however, did not.
I shrugged at Garrett before answering. "For all you know, that is my name. So, anyway, did you need something? I'm just finishing up my paperwork so I can get the hell outta here. You know I have plans tonight that I can't be late for."
Letting out an uncomfortable laugh, he scratched the back of his neck before finally speaking. "Yeah, uh, that's actually what I came to talk to you about. T is stoked, dude. She's been at the house all fucking day, getting 'ready' with Katie."
I inwardly smiled at the thought of them spending the day together, excited about our date. Why would he want to talk to me about that? Brow furrowed, I questioned him, "What's the problem with that, G? Shouldn't she be happy about this? Wouldn't you be worried if she was depressed about it or something?"
"Anthony, look dude. I just want to make sure you know what the hell you're doing. She's been waiting for this since you showed up on our doorstep. I don't want to see her get hurt." He paused, seeming to take a moment to gather his thoughts. "I don't want either of you to get hurt."
Shaking my head in protest, I reassured him, "No worries. It's time, Garrett. Like you said, she's waited long enough. I- I think-" I shifted my gaze back to my paperwork before nodding slightly and continuing, "I'm ready."
"Still dreamin' about that mystery girl?"
Lifting my eyes from my paperwork to meet his gaze, I mumbled, "Yeah. Every night."
"Look, you can tell me to piss the fuck off, man, and God knows if it got back to Katie and Tanya that I told you this, I'd have my balls served to me for dinner, but dude. You have to hear this before it's too late. This whole monk thing you've got going on? It's noble of you and all, but maybe there's more to it than just you being a really great guy." He rolled his eyes with his last statement.
Cocking my eyebrow at him, I urged him to continue. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Just that maybe you subconsciously don't want Tanya, dude. Not in that way."
I scoffed at him, sputtering in protest, but was interrupted before I could get a word in.
"Tony, Anthony, what-the-fuck-ever your name is. Maybe you know deep down that all you and Tanya are ever supposed to be is friends. Sure, she saved you from certain death, but does that mean that you have to munch on her pink taco? No dude," he shook his head emphatically. "It doesn't. There may or may not be some mystery girl from your past that you don't seem to want to let go of, and T's been right here, waving her tits in your face and treating you like a motherfucking king for like four years, brah. She's always wanted you, right from the moment she saw your pretty face. You should have seen her, all crazy and shit when you were brought in from your crash. She was-"
The shrill ringing of the phone interrupted him. I glanced down at the caller ID, smiling at Garrett's 'wisdom' before flipping open the phone and answering, unsure if I actually meant the words as they escaped from my lips. "Hello, Tanya. I hope you're not calling to cancel on me?"
She wasn't. She barraged me with question after question: had I confirmed our reservations? Did I have everything ready? Did I want her to meet me at the store? Was I excited about tonight? Did I like the color red?
Rattling off my answers as quickly as possible to her, I responded, "Yes, I confirmed with them. Yes, I've got everything ready. Of course I'm excited, Tanya." I paused, allowing her to express her enthusiasm about our date before reminding her, "Really, if I don't get going, I will be late. I still have a few things to finish up. No, Tanya, don't come and meet me here, I'll pick you up." I sighed as I answered her last question, "yes, of course, I like red." I inwardly rolled my eyes as I thought not as much as I like blue, though.
Turning back to the closest person I had to a brother, I tried to put his mind at ease. "Look, G… I really appreciate your concern. You're right—I do kinda feel like it might not be such a good idea to take our relationship to the next level. But, I also feel like after everything she's done for me, I owe it to her to try. I feel like— like time is running out or something. I can't explain it, dude. I just have to give in to her now."
"The heart doesn't want what the heart doesn't want, or some shit like that, Tony," he chuckled. "If your mystery girl's really from your past and she's getting stronger in that mind of yours, well, don't you think that could be your mind's way of letting you know your memory is on its way back?" He grinned widely before continuing and wiggling his eyebrows. "Besides, you've gone a long fucking time without a piece of ass, you could put it off a little longer and see where your dreams take you. Whoo oooo."
I stood up and slapped him on the back of the head. "I can't wait forever for my mystery girl. Tonight is all about trying to make the most of what I've got, right now."
"I just hope you know what you are getting yourself into, dude."
"So do I, Garrett. So do I." With that, I strode from the office, preparing to pick up Tanya for our date.
X-X-X-X-X
Everything had gone extremely well. Tanya looked stunning as ever in a red dress and heels. We had dinner at Café Michele, the nicest place in Talkeetna, where she ordered anything she could think of to indicate her amorous mood, including oysters. I swallowed audibly as she told me that her sister, Irina, had sent her things from La Perla that she had been dying for me to see.
Still unsure that what we were about to do was right for us, I knew I had to try. I owed to it myself—and to Tanya.
The ride back to my apartment was filled with an uncomfortable silence as she leaned over and grasped my hand in my lap. I couldn't help but think that Tanya wanted me to be more affectionate with her. What she failed to realize was I just wasn't that guy—always groping, kissing in public, holding hands, touching. It was inappropriate.
As soon as we stepped into my apartment, Tanya grabbed the lapels of my jacket and pushed me into the door, kissing me with an intense fervor. I held my hands up in, indicating protest.
"Anthony," she practically whined at me. "You said we were going to try. You promised." She pouted.
"We will try. Just give a guy a minute. Why don't you go pick out some music and I'll make us a drink?" I asked, desperately trying to give myself a minute to think.
She practically squealed as she reached into her red satin bag, pulled out her iPod and handed it to me. "I already have a playlist," she sang out. "And I'll make the drinks. You go get comfortable and I'll meet you in your room, okay?"
She obviously thought she was in charge, and she was right; I did need a moment to get my shit together. "How about… I meet you in the living room?"
She tapped my nose with her finger before relenting and gently kissing the side of my mouth, telling me that was fine with her.
Though our conversation flowed easily, I could not escape the foreboding that I felt in the pit of my stomach. Was I really ready to give in? Was it wrong of me to want to cling to my past, possibly with my mystery girl, instead of surrendering to an imminent future with Tanya?
Refilling my drink, Tanya suggested a massage. Her hands felt strong as she stood behind me, reverently kneading the tension from my neck and shoulders. Guilt washed over me as I contemplated her desire to both alleviate my fears and reassure me, along with the knowledge that she wanted this for me. My thoughts clouded even further as the liquor burned through my veins, steeling my resolve. I had to stop doubting whether I could really do this.
I could, and I would.
Tanya had been good to me, and she deserved more than the half-assed attempt I was giving her. She was entitled to nothing less than my total and complete attention. I could give that to her, starting tonight.
Questioning my ability to follow through with my new-found resolution, I wondered if I would regret this decision come morning? As Tanya leaned down to kiss the nape of my neck, I thought of my mystery girl again—was she real, and if so, was she thinking of me as much as I was thinking of her in this moment? A pang of contrition swirled around me.
Emotion swelled in my chest as Tanya swung around in front of me and lowered herself to straddle my lap. Her hips rocking into me, kisses peppering my neck, hands caressing my chest, words of adoration whispered in my ear— it all felt so…not wrong, but not right, either.
Stilling her hips with shaking hands and looking into expectant eyes, I grabbed my drink and finished it in one gulp. I nodded minutely, letting her know that I was there, with her, before closing my eyes as she continued her path down my body.
After a few more drinks, my qualms from earlier forgotten, I allowed her to lead us back toward my bedroom by the loosened tie around my neck.
X-X-X-X-X
My palm brushed across the smooth, firm flesh of her abdomen, lazily stroking her sides as her breaths turned into low moans. The song changed, and in the back of my mind I registered the beginning chords of the electric guitar...it seemed hauntingly familiar.
Where have I heard this…?
A soft whimper in my head, the woman below me protesting as my hand stilled. Looking down at her face, her eyes closed in pleasure, I turned my attention back to her. My hand ghosted up the soft flesh of her neck, anchoring into her hair. I kissed her then, her mouth soft and pliant against mine. The hand that wasn't tangled in her hair ghosted over her skin, down to her high, firm breasts. Rolling the pebbled nipple between my fingers, cupping her in my palm, I gave over to the sensation, to my body's need for this.
It had been so long…
"Anthony," she whispered.
I looked into her wide, blue eyes, open now and staring longingly at me. I wanted to do this, for her. She'd waited for me, patient and kind, as I tried to work through all of this, and in a strange way, I felt I owed this to her. Closing my eyes, I bent back down to capture her lips.
The same movie that played every time I tried to push myself into this situation began, like an old black and white film. Still those haunting brown eyes—I knew that she had been waiting for me, and still, even after all this time, I couldn't remember anything. I could just feel like there was something. Someone…
Someone I should remember. Those brown eyes… Who do they belong to?
It must be your skin that I'm sinking in…
The movie in my head was picking up momentum. I saw full, round lips. I felt them, warm and wet as she kissed me. This felt different. This felt like…home. It was a sweet, beautiful memory. My heart rate increased, my blood pumping faster through my veins now.
What… What is this that I'm feeling?
She thought that I was responding to her, finally giving in as I closed my eyes and tried to tune out her ministrations to my body. Slowly, I moved my hands from her breasts and down to her hips, stilling her.
"It's time. You're ready," Tanya whispered to me as she pressed her lips to mine again. I deepened the kiss, willing myself to give in to the memories that were still rolling through my head.
I don't want this, remember that, I'll never forget where you're at…
The violins, a background to the song, were washing over my senses... My stomach clenched as she pressed her lips to my neck.
When we rise, it's like strawberry fields…
Strange, surreal flashes. She was coming to me in flashes. Strawberry scent… creamy, milky skin… a pretty red blush on her cheeks… her long lashes… Oh! Her hair… Her beautiful, mahogany colored hair.
Oh god.
She was out there; she had been waiting for me. She had to be real. I could feel her hands gliding down my body, gripping and stroking my cock. It felt almost surreal; Tanya's hands pressed more firmly to me, grasping me as a distant memory stirred inside my brain, reminding me of a long forgotten yet almost familiar sensation.
As soon as she touched me, the violins kicked back in. More. More. More. I could see us, the movie was playing, moving quickly, fast forwarding, like my life was flashing before me. My life, with this beautiful girl… My mystery girl.
A dance with balloons all around us, we were so young. Her knee was skinned and I was carrying her. Standing on a porch and kissing that girl with wild abandon. She was blowing out candles on a cake and beaming. We were scrunched up in the backseat of a car, my body was pressed as close to hers as I could get. Sitting on a low wall, looking up at the stars. Our hands intertwined as she whispered to me. Her watching me play football. Us lying in the grass in the middle of a beautiful meadow, our meadow… kissing… her laughing… laughing… Looking at me with such utter devotion and… love in her eyes.
Who is she?
I gasped, I was close, and she was slowly rolling her tongue up the base of my neck as she moved up my body again. Oh god, I was so close. What the fuck was wrong with me?
More visions, more flashes, other people, small hands holding mine tightly.
It might just be clearly simple and plain…
Her name fell from my lips as realization crashed over me. She was real, she was waiting. And I knew her now, I could find her. As the last chords of the music played out, of its own volition, "Bella" tumbled from my lips. Tanya jerked back, looking at me in shock.
"Oh my god," I gasped in realization. "Her name is Bella… Bella, oh God, Bella…" How could I have forgotten her? She was my everything.
Jumping up from the bed, I searched the room frantically before looking up at Tanya's horrified expression. I shook my head, not having the words to fully explain to her what had just happened to me.
"I have to go home. Right now. I need a phone."