Chapter Four: The Life You Left Behind
*BPOV*
Fog swirled around me, obscuring my view from anything but the tiny flames perched atop the pink and yellow candles. Instinctively, I brushed my finger along the bottom edge of the cake and gathered the creamy frosting. As I lifted it to my mouth and tasted its delightful sweetness, I furrowed my brow, confused by my surroundings yet comforted by how familiar this situation felt. Where did this cake come from? What was this fog? How did I get here?
What was that noise?
The hint of a crowd, singing.
"Baby, what're you doing? Make a wish."
Gasping as the sound of his voice seemed to cause some of the fog that pressed heavily on me to dissipate, I reached over and took his face in both of my hands, pulling him toward me. Bewildered, I fought to take a breath, doubting his presence and needing him closer. "Wh-what? What did you say to me?" I shook my head slightly, my bearings completely off kilter.
He chuckled as he smiled widely before gently kissing my lips and leaning over to murmur in my ear, "Bella, if you don't blow out these candles right now, you're going to set the place on fire. Come on, baby." He motioned toward the glowing candles with his jaw before dipping his head down and trailing his nose along my collarbone and up my neck.
"Edward, I- I don't understand," I whispered, clutching him closer to me as he pressed his lips just below my ear. Everything about him mesmerized me: his beauty, the electricity in his fingertips as they ghosted down my arm and to my hand, his unmistakable scent, the sound of his laughter. Closer. I needed him closer.
"Baby, I know you didn't want to have a party with all the wedding stuff going on, but I couldn't resist the celebration of the most important thing to ever happen to me."
My befuddled brain started to become aware of my circumstances, causing me to gasp at the realization that I must be dreaming. Reaching up and threading my fingers into his thick, silky hair, I tried to commit every detail about this fleeting moment to my memory. I whispered, "I love you- I'll never stop," before pulling him down to me again, kissing him and relishing the soft touch of his lips on mine.
A groan echoed around me, clearing up more of the fog. "God, could you two get a room? Hurry up with the damn cake, Bells, let's go. We don't have much time."
Averting my eyes momentarily, I glanced up at Emmett. "Can't help it, Em," I shrugged.
Pressing his lips to mine momentarily, Edward squeezed my hand tightly and gestured toward the cake again. I trembled as he leaned in again to whisper, "I love you too, baby. Just think, this'll be the last time you ever blow out candles like this. Next time you do this, you'll be Bella Cullen."
A profound sense of foreboding washed over me as I turned toward the cake. Taking a last glimpse into his deep emerald eyes, I traced his bottom lip with my thumb before closing my eyes and inhaling deeply. Gripping his hand tightly as I leaned over the cake, I made a wish: Please, just give him back to me.
The smoke from the candles floated up in a thick, enveloping fog before extinguishing completely. I gasped as something cool was pressed to my forehead. My chest tightened and my pulse raced as the darkness pressed down around me.
What was that noise?
The hint of a small child, crying.
A door slammed in the distance, and I was plunged into darkness again.
What was that noise?
The hint of sheets, rustling.
"God, yes, right there."
"Baby, oh, I can't believe I'm going to have to go so long without touching you. Without feeling you. Without your mouth on me. I can't get enough of you, it's never enough."
"We'll be alright. Don't stop. Oh fuck, Edward, my God, I'm so close. Don't go, make someone else go. Oh," I panted, lifting my head slightly to kiss the bottom of his jaw.
"Bella, it's just, I love you so much …" he moaned out before crashing his lips down to mine and kissing me fervently. "It's just a week, just seven days, and then we won't be apart ever again. I can fuck you and make love to you and do everything I want to you everyday, for the rest of our lives, baby."
I gripped the sheets tightly as he pressed himself harder into me, his hips thrusting. He kissed down my neck before sucking on my collarbone as my back arched off the bed. Green eyes seared into mine as he reached between us to the place we were joined, rubbing and teasing, causing me to cry out.
"Oh God, I'm gonna- oh, I'm com- mmmmmm…"
Pleasure coursed through my body, causing my eyes to close, surrounding me in darkness.
What was that noise?
The hint of someone, moaning.
"Sweetheart, can you hear me? Wake up, please."
I didn't want to wake; I wanted to go back to feeling—whatever it was. Edward. He was here? I was with him. My head thrashed against the hard, cool tile.
He wasn't there. He wasn't there. He wasn't really there.
I descended into the darkness.
What was that noise?
The hint of a phone, chirping.
A vibration emanated from beneath my head, the muffled sound stirring me. The cool softness of the sheets awakened me further as I reached under my pillow. I flipped the cell phone open, casting everything in its eerie blue light before holding it to my ear. "Hello?"
"Bella, oh God, I miss you so much, baby."
"Edward?" I felt groggy, disconnected.
"Of course," he chuckled lightly. "Who else?"
Dread seeped through my veins as I questioned, "Edward, what's wrong? Are you okay? You're still coming home Wednesday, right?"
"No. Bella, I—"
My breath hitched in my throat as I fought back a sob. "But Edward, you promised. When will you get here? You'll miss everything."
"Baby, wait, lemme finish. I'm coming back now. I can't be without you two more days. I'm just waiting for the paperwork , and then I'm leaving."
Wiping my tears with the back of my hand, I brightened up considerably. "Two days early? Oh my God, Edward, that's wonderful! Wait. What do you mean, paperwork?"
"Our pilot won't be back here until Wednesday, and I couldn't get a flight out of here. I'm just waiting for the airport to verify my license and fuel up the jet, and I'm coming home."
Despite the fact that he couldn't see me, I shook my head in protest. "What? Are you kidding me? Edward, you—you can't just fly home."
"Sure I can. I have a pilot's license, Bella. I'm perfectly capable of flying the plane. I don't need to wait around for the pilot. I'm just beyond ready to get back."
"Please be careful. Edward, please."
"Baby, I will. Nothing's going to happen to me, I promise. I miss you so much it hurts, and I can't wait to get home and be with to you too. You know," he paused, clearing his throat before continuing, "I don't think I'm even going to tell them I'm coming back early. Then I can have you all to myself for two whole days."
"We can't keep it a secret for long, Edward, they'll know. Plus there's still all this wedding stuff to do, and you know they won't leave me alone for two hours, let alone two days," I giggled into the phone.
"God, Bella, I can't believe it's finally time—in less than a week, we'll be married. Fucking finally."
I couldn't suppress my grin as I nodded and held my hand out to admire the way my ring sparkled even in the semi-darkness. "I know, I can't wait. I love you so much."
"I love you too. See you soon, beautiful."
He ended the call and I flipped my phone shut, submerging me in darkness again.
What was that noise?
The hint of voices, murmuring.
Familiar sounds resonated in my head. I tried to decipher them but couldn't make them out. I lifted slightly and heard an audible gasp before someone or something pushed me, immobilizing me. My head thudded clumsily back, causing an ache to echo through my skull, and I fell into the darkness again.
What was that noise?
The hint of someone, screaming.
It was me. I was the one screaming. And retching. Unable to stand. Unable to breathe. Shaking my head. No.
This couldn't be happening. We are getting married, this week. Edward was on his way home.
What were these people saying to me?
His plane? No. No. No! Muffled voices talking about a wing and a piece of a rudder? Nothing else, they found nothing else.
Look harder. Please.
The blackness swallowed me. I was never coming out.
What was that noise?
The hint of a fist, banging.
Small hands pressed against my face, comforting me. A weight pressing on my chest, suffocating me. A feathery kiss on my cheek, jolting me.
I tried to wake up.
Another kiss, feather light and warm against my temple. A flash of light between barely opened eyes, disorienting and too bright.
Then the weight was gone, numbing blackness returning once more.
What was that noise?
The hint of someone, screeching.
Fog swirled around me and visions assaulted my thoughts.
Looking at Edward's picture as I barely managed to hold myself together during the memorial service. James trying to take care of me, keeping me from falling to pieces. Carlisle offering unending support, his explanations that the search had been called off gutting me.
Glancing down, as shaky hands gripped a pregnancy test on Thanksgiving Day. Sitting in James' office, his explanations that a will had been set up for me and any future children making it all seem too real. Sobbing into Esme's shoulder, hushed promises that we'd never be alone, a comfort I desperately needed but couldn't grasp.
Jasper grilling a steak to satisfy my cravings, his ever-ready hugs endless. James stopping by to check on me, his vows to always be there for me and my baby a comfort. Alice bringing in bags and bags of maternity clothes, spoiling me, as was her nature. Rosalie begging me to move in with them, scared for me and my baby. Emmett wiping my brow during the delivery, a stand in for the one person I needed. James bringing the biggest bouquet of flowers I had ever seen to the hospital.
Visions of the people I loved—my family, his family—flared in the darkness in quick flashes until finally, Emma-Grace, my reason to be burst forward, illuminating my every thought.
My eyes fluttered.
Instead of blackness surrounding me, warm arms enveloped me, rubbing soothing circles on my back. Kisses fluttered on my hair, forehead, and eyelids as James whispered, "Oh Bella, Bella, are you alright?" I was lifted slightly into his lap as he rocked me gently back and forth. "God, sweetheart, you scared me."
"What happened?"
His piercing blue eyes looked down at me cautiously as he brushed the back of his fingers across my forehead and down my jaw. "You fainted. Bella, are you okay? How are you feeling?" Still sitting on the floor with me in his lap, he continued to rock us slowly back and forth and peppered kisses all over my face.
"Jamie, is my mama gonna be okay?" Gracie asked him. He nodded as she placed her tiny hands on his face and leaned in to kiss him before climbing in my lap. I held her close to me as James continued his soothing movements.
The clearing of a throat startled me as I looked up to see Alice's tear-streaked face.
Clamoring out of James' lap, I turned and handed Gracie to him. "What? Alice, what's the matter?"
She shook her head at me for a moment before taking a few tentative steps toward me. She wrapped her arms around me, rubbing my face from temple to the bottom of my chin before tucking an errant strand of hair behind my ear. It was so loving, so comforting; I knew something had to be wrong.
"Alice?"
Momentarily glancing over to James before returning her gaze to me, she gently cleared her throat and clutched me tighter to her before speaking so softly, I had to strain to hear her. "Bella, you passed out. Do you remember why?"
Furrowing my brow, I looked at her inquisitively and shook my head, not having the answers either of us were seeking. Looking around the room, I fought to focus on some object to help me remember the events that had taken place just before I passed out.
"Please, Alice, just tell me. Were you here when I—when I…" A glance toward the television caused me to stumble slightly as realization of what made me faint crashed over me.
James was up in an instant, Gracie on his hip, supporting me and rubbing circles up and down my back. "Sweetheart," he whispered. "Maybe you should sit down."
Forcefully shaking my head, I looked at Alice and tried to keep the tears at bay. Circling my arms around her to offer what comfort I could, I voiced my fears aloud. "Alice? Carlisle? Oh God, please tell me he's okay. I saw him on the news. What happened, Alice?"
She tightened her grip on me before leaning back and looking at me with a brilliant smile on her face. "No, Bella, you misunderstood. Carlisle's not…there's nothing wrong with him. He's fine. In fact, he's better than fine."
Confused, I looked from her to James and back again, looking for answers. "Alice? If Carlisle's okay, then why was he on CNN? Where is he? Would someone please tell me what the hell is going on?" I stamped my foot in exasperation.
"Alaska."
She had answered me alright. Carlisle was in Alaska. The very word caused dread and anguish to seep into the very marrow of my bones.
"Alaska? Why?" I shook my head and fought back the sob that was welling within me.
"Bella, they found him. He's alive."
Seemingly anticipating my reaction, James caught me as my eyes fluttered and I felt the floor drop from beneath me. Cradling me in his arms, he held me tightly to him and swayed us back and forth. His voice was low as he rasped out, "Alice, I'm gonna bring her upstairs. I think she needs to rest."
Placing my arms around his neck, I tried to lower myself to the floor, but his grip on my body was unrelenting. Feeling a gentle tug on my blouse, I looked down at Gracie standing next to us with a distressed look on her beautiful face, so much like her father. Tumultuous, chaotic thoughts clouded my brain, causing my chest to constrict and my grip on James to tighten.
Reaching down and running my fingers through her soft bronze curls, I whispered, "Mama's okay, baby. I just don't feel well right now. Why don't you show Auntie what we made yesterday for the barbeque?"
"Okay, Mommy." Her intensely green eyes were glittering as she looked at me and smiled. Taking hold of Alice's hand in her tiny grasp, she led her in the direction of the cupcakes and cookies that we spent the better part of the day before preparing.
Seeking refuge, I nestled my head in the crook of James' neck and took a deep breath. I felt weak and disconcerted, and knew I needed a moment to get my thoughts together and process what was happening.
Climbing the stairs with trepidation, James did not release me until he sat me down on the bathroom counter. He held me against him for a moment, hands splayed out and running up and down my spine. I wrapped my arms around his waist, still feeling disoriented and lethargic.
With a deep breath, he leaned back from me and brought his hand up to cup my cheek, caressing the skin along my jaw softly. "Sweetheart, I'm gonna take Emmy to the store to get a few things," he murmured, brushing his lips against mine. Backing up slightly and looking directly into my eyes, he croaked out, "unless you want me to stay?" I'd never forget the expression on his face as he looked at me, lost and utterly filled with anxiety.
I reached out and brushed my hand across his jaw and chin, wanting to reassure him, needing him to wrap his arms securely around me and protect me as I tried to brace myself for the pain that I knew could be coming. What does this mean? What if it wasn't true? It couldn't be true; they searched for weeks. What if it was true? What then?
"James?" Alice's voice cracked through the atmosphere like an electric charge of lightning, alerting us to her presence. Suddenly, the room felt infinitely less intimate than it had a moment ago. He was no longer able to shield me away in a protective cocoon, like he always tried to do. "James," she continued, "she'll be fine. Maybe it's best if you and Gracie go to store for a little bit."
His resolve steeling, he nodded in assent and inhaled, attempting to take a breath to steady and calm himself. He looked between Alice and me as he raised my hand to his lips, kissing my palm and placing it directly over his heart. "I love you, Bella. Please call me if you need me while we're out. I won't be far away," he looked meaningfully at Alice again before leaning down and repeatedly pressing his lips to mine over and over again.
James took Gracie as Alice handed her off to him with a peck on her cheek. He seemed to relax slightly as Alice walked over to me and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Tell your Mama 'bye' baby, we're going to the store for a bit," he uttered softly to Gracie.
She raised her tiny hand and waved. "Bye bye Mama." She smiled a brilliant smile before continuing. "We'll get you owsecream and you feel betta." Nodding her little head caused her curls to bounce all over as she clutched tighter to James. I had never been more grateful to have him in my life than I was in that moment. His obvious love for her and her complete adoration of him caused such an intensely emotional response in me; I was beyond relieved that they were so close and that I never had to worry about that.
He chuckled and blew a kiss toward me before turning and exiting the room. Gracie's piercing green gaze remained connected to mine until they disappeared around the corner.
Taking a deep, shuddering breath, I turned toward Alice, who was running cool water over a washcloth. She brought the washcloth up to my forehead and run it gently over my face. "Alice?" I whispered.
"Bella, you're all sweaty." She shook her head to express her disdain. "Cut off shorts. Really, Bella? How do you even have these?" she muttered as she pulled on a few of the strings that were fraying at the hem of the denim. "I really approve of the top though. I love these bracelets, too, girl. I'm so glad I picked them up for you," she rambled as she grabbed my hand and held it up above her shoulder, causing the bracelets to make soft, tinkling noises down my wrist and arm.
"Alice?" I pleaded, placing my hand down on her shoulder and squeezing slightly.
"We don't know much, Bella. I'm still waiting on a call from Jazz. " Her normally exuberant voice was muted, just barely above a whisper as she shook her head from side to side.
"Alice." This time my voice was stronger, more demanding, "please."
"Okay, Bella. Last night, Mom and Dad got a call—from Edward. Apparently, he had amnesia or something and just…remembered everything last night. We don't know anything else, except that he's alive, and…"
"What do you mean? Amnesia? How did they…I just don't unders- How do they kn- Is it really him, Alice?"
"Bella, I wanted to call you the second I hung up the phone, but everything happened so fast. I came here right after I dropped them all off at the airport. Jazz'll call as soon as they know something."
Sobs racked my body, inhibiting my ability to draw a breath. "Alice, oh Alice. What the hell am I gonna do? What if it's not him? I can't do this, Alice. Everything I've dreamed of and wanted, what if it's not him. I won't- I just can't imagine it. What if he doesn't remember me? Oh my god, what if he does remember? What do you think he's gonna think about Gracie? And James? We've been together since junior high, Alice! Oh god, what if it's not him? What if it's not him?" Hysterical sobs continued to bubble up as Alice stood there with me, our arms wrapped around each other as we rocked back and forth.
I pulled back and looked at her, the realization that she was here with me and not her family finally settling in. "Alice, what the hell are you doing here? Why are you here?" I questioned.
"Bella, I couldn't leave you. I know you can't get on a plane, and honestly, what if you're right and it's not him? I couldn't handle that either, and someone had to be here for you... You're my best friend, Bella," she spoke, biting back a strangled breath.
"Alice, he's your brother! You should be there with him!" I practically screamed at her, though I was beyond happy that I wasn't there alone. My thought flickered to James for a moment before I said, "You should be there with your family, Alice."
"Bella," she spoke softly and ran her hands up and down my arms. "You are my family, silly girl. I'll wait here with you, Bella. We'll wait for him to come home together."
My muscles were tight with apprehension as I kept trying to tell myself not to get my hopes up. The person that had called could easily be an imposter. Cullen International was a high-profile, publicly traded company, and it wouldn't surprise me if someone had tried to capitalize on his family's grief. Everyone in the world knew about Edward's plane going down and the search for him was far-reaching.
My head kept urging me to believe that it wasn't him, imploring me not to get my hopes up. My heart however, told me that I always knew. I'd never given up hope, never stopped loving him. It was him, coming back to me.
The shrill ringing of her phone caused both of us to jump. "Alice, wait," I paused, hoping that I was doing the right thing. "If it's him, and he does remember, please, let me tell him about Gracie."
With an understanding nod, she whispered, "We already discussed that, Bella, and you're right. You should be the one to tell him when he comes home." Tears cascaded down her face as she answered the phone and spoke to Jasper.
It was all true—the look of sheer wonder and joy on her face spoke volumes. Her brother had been found, alive and well.
Edward was alive.
X-X-X-X-X
Pacing the length of the kitchen so many times that I was sure I had worn a path into the tile, flashes of my life with Edward continued to pervade my thoughts. We had promised each other so many things. Pressing my fingers to my tingling lips, I recalled the way it felt when he kissed me after promising me forever as we stood on my father's porch in Forks.
I grabbed my cell phone from its charger and dialed the number that had been mine until I left for college. "Daddy," I whispered into the phone, breaking down at the sound of my father's voice. "I need you. Can you come, right now?" I spoke to him a few moments, trying to explain what little I knew. After he promised that he'd be there soon, I hung up and went back to pacing across my path in the kitchen, waiting.
The quiet clicking of the door alerted me to his presence and brought me from my musings. I turned to see James standing before me, holding Gracie to him as she slept with her head resting on his broad shoulder. Tears welled in my eyes as he spoke in a voice barely above a whisper,."Is it true? Bella?"
Nodding my head, I whispered, "They don't know much, James. The Cullens just got to him now." Frozen in place by his intense gaze, I looked around the room, panic rising in my throat. "Alice went to the office to get some paperwork that they're going to need faxed in order to get Edw- to leave Alaska."
"Bella, look at me."
My eyes snapped up to his as he rasped out, "Bella, I won't lose you." He took several steps toward me, stopping just in front of me and tightening his grip on Gracie. "I can't lose Emmy. Sweetheart, I just-."
I shook my head vehemently back and forth. "James, I- I can't talk about this right now. I'm not even sure if it's him. I- you know that I love you, but I can't. I just can't do this right now." I reached forward and took Gracie from his arms. "I'm gonna go to the apartment and wait for Alice, okay? I just need- James, I just need to be al- I can't do this, not right now," I trailed off, feeling like a monster for not being able to assure him.
Fighting back his own tears, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me and Gracie. "Bella, why? Why do you need to take her with you? She should sleep here, in her bed, in her home, with me. If you have to go for a little while, I underst- I won't stop you." Stepping back slightly, he tucked my hair behind my ear and tilted my chin up so I was looking in his eyes. "This will be too confusing for her, Bella. Let her stay here at home. I can't lose you. Bella, please don't leave me. At least leave her here with me. You're my whole life. I can't- don't, Bella, just stay. Please."
Holding back the tears that threatened to overtake me yet again, I shook my head and turned, still holding Gracie. "James, don't. I'll be back. I'll call you, I promise, I have to go home- I just need to be there. Please understand."
Running out to my car, I was trembling so badly that I could barely get the door open. I glanced down at Gracie's sleeping form. Recognition of the danger I could be leading her into dawned on me, causing me to step back from the car. She was my whole life, and it was stupid and selfish of me to recklessly place her in harm's way. Coming to the conclusion that I really wasn't in the condition to drive myself, much less my precious daughter, I made my decision—the last thing I wanted to do was put her safety at risk.
Glancing toward the door, I saw James leaning against the frame with his arms wrapped around his chest. He didn't deserve this turmoil; he would give up his own life for her, for both of us. I motioned him over with a shake of my head. He quickly approached and leaned toward me, placing his hands on my hips.
"James, she can stay here with you. You both deserve for her to take a nap safe in her own bed," I murmured, looking up at him. "I promise, I'll be back in a few hours. I swear, James, I'll call you. I just need to be someplace quiet, for a little while. They don't even know anything for sure yet, as far as I know. I promise… I'll call you soon."
His grip on me tightened momentarily before he took Gracie from my arms. "Promise me, Bella. Promise me you're coming back." Unable to make promises that I wasn't sure I could keep, I instead stood on my tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his cheek before taking a calming breath and slipping into the leather seat. He closed the door for me and stepped back as I started the car and backed out of the garage.
Glancing back into the rearview mirror, I knew I would never forget the look on his face as I drove off. Cheeks sunken, mouth pulled into a tight line, his grip on Gracie firm as he held her to him.
He looked so lost.