AN: Pretty much the rest of this story (at least until the end) is not wussperv friendly. There's angst, folks. And not enough smut to make up for it.
Chapter Six: Do What I Have to Do
*BPOV*
This couldn't be real.
My foot tapped against the floor below me as I impatiently waited for the elevator. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around my body in an attempt to literally hold myself together. I struggled to take a few deep breaths in an effort to help clarify things, but found that I could hardly breathe. It was as if I were drowning.
The events that had taken place in just the last few hours muddled my thoughts, flashing through my mind in rapid succession: the anguished look on my husband's face as I drove away, the animosity I felt coming from him when I called out another man's name, and the devastation I saw on his face as he realized that I couldn't stay in our home with him when we found out that – I couldn't even form the words in my own thoughts.
Edward was alive.
It couldn't be real. Could it?
The quiet ping of the elevator alerted me to my surroundings. Everything felt so surreal. Each step I took toward our apartment, the same one that I'd shared with Edward, the place we had planned to start our lives in, awakened a time lost. Memories flooded my mind as my feet were cemented in the very spot I'd been standing in when I got the news that he was gone and never coming back to me. My eyes spanned the few steps remaining in the hallway as I pictured the walls of our home that became my refuge when I learned of the life growing inside me. The weight of my betrayal pressed down, smothering me, as I thought about my decision to move out in an attempt to start my life over with James.
Now it was the comforting place I would return to in order to wait for more news. My mind raced with countless worries and fears. He was coming back. What if it wasn't him? What if it was? What would I do?
What were we all going to do?
The silence that pressed down on me like a lead weight was broken as I slid the key in the lock and turned it. The familiar click sounded my homecoming, awakening every cell in my body, welcoming me back. Throwing my keys in the bowl on the table, a move I had done countless times, comforted me somehow.
Pulling out my cell phone and quickly dialing Alice, I slipped off my shoes and padded into the living room. I ran my fingertips across the creamy leather of the couch, almost unable to catch my breath with the sudden bombardment of memories. Edward growling in my ear as we lay on the couch right there. Warm lips trailing searing kisses up my neck while I cooked dinner over there, distracting me until I had given up on our meal and turned my attention to him. Edward carrying me to our room, something he had done often. This place held so many sacred memories—it felt like a sanctuary to me.
Not registering the fact that Alice had picked up, I barely heard her voice on the phone as walked into the kitchen, still allowing the memories of us to wash over me.
"Bella? Bella! Are you alright? Bella!"
"Uh, Alice. I'm fine. I'm at h- I'm at the apartment. You don't need to come over," I mumbled over her protests before finally giving in. "Okay, fine. I already knew you were coming over anyway."
I listened to her ramble on for a few moments before telling her that I wasn't really hungry and there was no need for her to bring anything before finally relenting and agreeing to eat whatever she brought. She always got her way; there really was no point in trying. Regardless of how annoying Alice could be at times, I really appreciated how much she always took care of me.
I ran my fingers over the counter-top, relishing in the memory of the pseudo-argument that we'd had over the color of the granite. A small laugh left my lips, the sound loud and jarring in the quiet room. He'd given me my way when I bet him that I could make him come the fastest on the black speckled set, and we'd thoroughly enjoyed…testing out my theory.
That particular memory sent me into a panic, the thoughts of what I was going to do returning ten-fold. My face was streaked with tears when Alice walked in, carrying food from our favorite Thai-takeout place.
"Bella, I just talked to Jazz. They can't…oh my God. Are you alright?" She flew over to me in a rush, tossing the bag on the counter and smoothing my hair back from my forehead.
Shaking my head violently, I met her watery gray gaze and whispered, "No."
Alice wrapped her arms around me and gently rocked us back and forth. "You're okay, Bella, see? Everything's going to be fine."
Wiping the tears from my eyes, I pushed back from her. "I'm not okay. I won't be okay until I can touch him and feel him here, in my arms. God, Alice, how can you say everything is going to be fine? Everything is fucked up; it's so far from fine."
"Bella," her brow crinkled in frustration as she looked at me before speaking in a low tone, "I have to believe that everything is going to work out for the best. My brother's alive. Besides finding out about Emma-Grace, this is the best news ever. He's coming home. Everything will be okay."
"You don't know that. He's—and I can't…" I shook my head, unable to form the words.
"Everything will work out, Bella. You two are meant to be, you've always known that. A piece of paper doesn't change anything. You didn't let it change your heart when he was gone—how can you possibly think it'll be any different now?"
"It's not like that, Alice. I can't. I am not allowed to want that anymore. I'm married."
The silence stretched on as we were each lost in our own thoughts for a few moments. The fact of the matter was that someone was going to be hurt, because of me. I had already hurt James so much, but I just didn't know how to fix it. Edward and I had been together since we were just kids—how could I let that go? I couldn't. I hadn't been able to so far. Though things were never simple with James, they were now far more complicated than they had ever been. I was married to a man who loved me and adored my daughter. There was no undoing that, even without a piece of paper.
I was ashamed of myself as I let my mind imagine how Edward would react to all of this. No matter how much I might want to, I couldn't be with him anymore. In spite of this, I couldn't wrap my head around him not being mine, not getting to hold him, not being able to tell him that I've only ever really wanted him, and for him to feel the same.
I was a monster.
Why couldn't Alice see that this situation was beyond fucked up?
Finally, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to my forehead, so reminiscent of her brother I almost fell apart. "What will you do, Bella?"
I couldn't answer that. What would I do? It was true that I didn't know how to let him go, I never had. But I couldn't have him now. Maybe Alice was wrong; maybe we never were meant to be.
No, I didn't believe that. Not really. I just didn't see any way to make this right.
Alice continued down a different path. "When I came in earlier, I wanted to tell you what was happening. I faxed the paperwork they needed, but the FAA has tightened the regulations, especially since they have to fly over Canada. Dad tried, but they won't be leaving Alaska until tomorrow morning. What do you want to do, sweetie?"
Still shaking my head, I reached for my phone. Surprisingly, the call went straight to voicemail. "James, I promised I'd let you know what was going on. He- They won't be back until tomorrow. I'm gonna stay here tonight. Call me and let me know if you want me to come get Gracie. I promise, we'll talk later, I l- I'll talk to you soon."
Padding over to the couch, I threw my phone haphazardly on the coffee table as I sank down into the cushions. I was really surprised that James hadn't answered his phone when I called. He must be livid, but surely he understood why I needed to be here. I would do almost anything to stop hurting him if I could.
Picking at a stray thread at the hem of my shirt, I wished that I could take this grief away from him. I bit at the tender flesh around my nails as I thought about how hard it was for him, constantly worrying about me, and though he was one of the strongest people I'd ever met, the insecurity in our relationship had to affect him.
Huffing in exasperation, I tugged my hand through my hair, yanking on it roughly. It was all my fault. The mess with James. Alice sitting here with me instead of going after her brother. Me feeling nauseous wondering what would happen when I finally saw him. And my beautiful Gracie, what would she think? How would she feel about all of this? How would I explain this to her?
"You need to eat, Bella. You need to relax—all of this stress isn't good for you." Alice's brow furrowed as she tilted her head to study me. "I'm really worried that you'll have a nervous breakdown or something. Why don't we get a massage?"
Was she kidding me?
"Alice Cullen Whitlock, do you honestly believe that I am going to leave this apartment for one second? And to get a massage?"
She peered at me, no doubt wondering if I had really lost it—she was probably right, and I had. I couldn't believe her though; this wasn't exactly the time for spa treatments. Would she want to paint my nails next? I let out an angry growl before opening my mouth again.
"The love of my life, the father of my child, my whole reason for existing was ripped from me and is now back from the grave. He'll be here, standing in front of me, in this apartment, in less than twenty-four hours. He'll find out that not only did I give birth to his mirror image, but I married someone else. Not just any someone else, but his fucking friend."
"But—"
I cut her off. "I'm not getting a massage. Of course I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown! How could you even suggest something so, so...?"
Alice held up a hand to silence me. "No, wait. Listen to me for just a minute." She gave me a stern look before her expression softened. "Please. Calm down, you're scaring me."
Raising my chin in assent, I took a deep breath and waited for her to continue. She had always tried to take care of me, and I owed it to her to hear her out.
"Do you remember when we were juniors in high school and that slore Leah was trying to go after Edward? He was friends with her brother and they worked on some science project together or something. Remember that?"
Suddenly, I found myself unable to hold back the laughter as I recalled how ridiculous I had been, jealous of some girl just because she was beautiful and wanted him. Everyone had wanted him, but he never cared about that. My face fell as I realized that things would be so, so different now.
"No, Bella, don't. Don't go there. Just remember what I am asking you about. Leah. You were so upset when she kept fawning all over him. Do you remember what happened?"
"Yeah, Alice, of course I remember. You dressed me up in the teeny-tiniest skirt I'd ever seen and forced me to prance around in front of them." I chuckled at the memory, reliving the jealousy that poured from her and the dark look in his eyes as I strutted into the room.
"Do you know why I did that? Why I curled your hair and made you wear those clothes?"
"I'm sorry, but no. I don't. What in the hell does this have to do with…anything, really?"
"It's what I know." She shrugged her shoulders and grasped my hand in hers before continuing. "You thought Edward didn't want you. I pushed you in the right direction to remind both of you just how untrue that was. I've only ever felt this…this useless two other times in my life, Bella: when Edward disappeared, and when you married James."
This time, I wrapped my arms around her and held her close. "Alice, you're not useless. You're my best friend. You've always been there for me, and for Gracie. I don't know what we'd do without you."
"Thank you, sweets. I guess I should have said I feel helpless. I can't get a skirt short enough this time. One thing I do know, though, is you, Bella Swan, you're about to crack. You look like you're about to fall apart right in front of me. I'm in uncharted territory here, Bells. I don't know how to fix this."
"There is no way to fix it, Alice. We don't even know it's true. What if this guy is just an… just an, I don't know, an impostor! Anyone could look up his information on the internet. It doesn't make sense."
"I know it doesn't make sense, Bella. I'm not going to try to figure out the hows or the whys anymore. I'm just going to stick with what I do know. We can't do anything but wait, and while we do that, we're gonna try to relax a bit. It won't do anyone any good if we have to go see you in the loony bin."
"It's been four years, Alice. How could he be found after almost four years? This could turn out to be the cruelest joke ever." Breaking down in sobs, I moaned quietly, "We don't know, we just don't know."
Alice brushed her fingertips across my forehead, sweeping my hair back and tucking it behind my ear. "Listen, I'm going to call someone to come over to us. I'm serious, Bella, I'm really worried about you. I'm worried that you'll need to go to the hospital—you're teetering on the edge of a panic attack. Not to mention, if you don't eat, I have no doubt when you see my brother, you'll pass out for sure."
"I'm way past panic attack," I said, sniffling away the last of the tears for this round. "I'm sorry, I know he's your brother, and you're going through a lot, too. It's just…it doesn't feel real." Wrapping my arms around myself, I swayed from side to side and inhaled a deep breath. "It never felt real. When I was with him, we were so in love. It was like no one could ever feel like that, no one could ever really be in love like we were. We were so young and it was so perfect. And when he was gone…" I choked back a sob, unable to continue.
After a few moments of us holding each other, I continued, my voice barely above a whisper. "I had never felt so empty. It was like, how could this hell be real? And now, what if it isn't real? Or worse, what if what we felt had never been real?"
My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I quickly opened it, not bothering to glance down at who was calling. "Hello?"
"Bells?"
The sound of Emmett's voice caused a flood of anxiety to grip me. "Oh God, Emmett?" I sobbed into the phone. "Are you with him? Is it true? Can I please just talk to him?"
"Come on," he groaned out, "you know that isn't the best idea. You don't really want to do this over the phone, do you?"
"Are you sure? Are you actually standing there with him? You've actually seen him and touched him?" My voice stammered, just barely above a whisper, "Is it real? Is he really real?"
"Bella, it's him. It's really him."
Relief coursed over me, causing my knees to weaken and my heart to flutter. If I wasn't sitting down already, I would have surely been on the floor. It was him. Emmett wouldn't lie to me, ever. It was true.
"How is he, Em? Is he alright? What happened?"
"He looks amazing, Bells. I don't really have many details. We had some trouble with the paperwork, but it looks like we can be outta here first thing in the morning. Edward will be home tomorrow."
"Did you… did you tell him?" I whispered. "Just…please, let me tell him about Gracie."
"No, I'm with you there. I think you should be the one to tell him. We haven't told him anything yet; I called you right away. I had to check on you, Baby Bell. I knew you would need to hear it from me. Just like he deserves to hear it all from you. What do you want me to do?"
"I don't know. I just don't know."
How was I going to explain this? Pressing my hand above my heart, I imagined the look on his face as he met Gracie, smiling and holding her, instantly won over as quickly as the rest of us had been. She was so perfect and there wasn't a doubt in my mind that he would be thrilled to know her, after getting over the shock of knowing about her. I truly wasn't worried about him not falling completely in love with our daughter.
Imagining the look on his face when he found out about James was a completely different story. I honestly didn't know what I thought would happen. Or what I wanted to happen. Would he accept it? Did I want him to?
Emmett's voice interrupted my thoughts, "Try to get some rest, Bella. It'll all work out. Trust."
We said goodnight before ending the call. I would see them both the next day. It had been almost four years, I could make it one more day, right? Before I could say anything to Alice, my phone buzzed again. Glancing down at the screen, I saw that it was James.
"James?" I breathed out, hoping he wasn't expecting me to leave the apartment yet.
"Bella? I, uh, got your message. I just thought you should know that I'm going to my parents' house for a few days. "
"What? Why?"
"Did you change your mind, Bella? Are you coming home tonight? If I stay, are you coming to me?" He paused and took a deep breath. "Or if you have to stay there, in that apartment, do you want me to stay there with you, sweetheart?"
I shook my head, as if he could hear me through the phone. "N- no."
"I know. You don't want me to go, but you don't want me to stay." His voice cracked and lowered as he continued, "I can't—just can't watch this happen. I love you and Emmy more than anything. Please, Bella, please. Don't throw away what we have."
"James," I began to cry into the phone, "don't do this."
"I don't want to go—I hate being away from you. But I don't want to say something to you that we'll both regret. You need some time, and I need my parents. I'll bring the baby to you on my way out."
He hung up without saying goodbye, and I hated myself in that moment. He was right—I didn't want him to go, but I couldn't ask him to stay. I despised hurting him, but I didn't know how to stop.
The look on my face must have said everything that Alice needed to understand. She didn't ask any questions; she simply pushed me toward the bathroom and told me to take a bath.
As I tried to relax in the tub, thoughts of Edward and what our lives would have been like swirled through my head. Gliding my hands across the slick skin of my abdomen, I pondered that we would probably have been ready to try for another baby around this time. Other thoughts, memories of past discussions with James about this very topic, and my reluctance, invaded my head. Why was it so easy for me to think about this with dream-life Edward , yet I flat out refused to consider it with real-life James?
A soft knock at the bathroom door alerted me to Alice's presence.
"Bella, the masseuse is here, come on out whenever you're ready."
It was all so ridiculous, getting a stupid massage at the moment my life was falling apart. But if it would make Alice feel better, I would go along with it. At least I could make someone feel better.
Wrapping myself in a fluffy white towel, I walked out into the living room and hopped up on the table. Though peaceful music played in the background, my thoughts continued to race, reminding me of everything Edward and I had done and talked about and planned. Hoping he wouldn't hate me for the choices I had made, I decided to focus on what I did have: a beautiful, healthy daughter, a husband who loved me more than I deserved, and an amazing family that stood by me and supported me.
Edward had to know what we had, and what we meant to each other. As long as he didn't forget that, he had to know that I had never let go of him, not really. I hoped he'd understand that I did what I had to do. I'd done it for our families, both his and mine, that were at their wits end with seeing me lost, sad and alone. Above all, I had done it for Gracie. She deserved to grow up in a home with two parents, though I didn't know at the time that I was making a mistake by trying to fool myself into thinking I was ever going to be capable of loving anyone else.
What a mess I've made.
Tears streamed down my face as the masseuse kneaded my tired and aching muscles, lulling me to the edge of sleep. Knowing James would be there soon with Gracie kept me from totally relaxing. After the massage, Alice looked somewhat refreshed, but still bereft. Walking into my room, I pulled out my Hello Kitty pajamas since they were Gracie's favorite.
After getting dressed, I walked back out to the living room and thanked Alice for everything. I asked if she wanted some hot tea.
"Do you have any marshmallows?" She smiled widely at me.
"Um, I think so," I replied, surprised at her sudden exuberance. "You want marshmallows in your tea?"
"No, silly. I want hot chocolate. With marshmallows."
Ambling into the kitchen, I located the ingredients to make our hot chocolate and set the pan on the stove. I was just about finished when Gracie bounded into the room, giggling and curls bouncing. "Mama, guess what? I'm gonna go home with Auntie!"
"What?" I looked up at Alice.
Alice shook her head. "Not tonight, Bella. In the morning. We'll stay here with you tonight and then tomorrow Gracie can come home with me for a little bit." She glanced at Gracie with a sweet expression before turning to me, somber now. "I'm sure you have some things to take care of that you'd rather be alone for."
A wave of anxiety washed over me as I took a deep breath and poured the hot chocolate into three mugs. After I straightened up a bit in the kitchen, Alice declared it "Girls Time!" and she and Gracie raced to grab the nail polish. As much as I wanted to curl up into a ball and wait, I needed to keep things normal for Gracie. Having a slumber party with her Auntie was definitely a treat for her, and I wouldn't take that away. Things were about to get complicated enough. As each stroke of polish was painted on my nails, I forced a smile on my face, plagued with thoughts of what would happen the next day.
After awhile, Alice realized that I was barely keeping it together and just let me lay there, watching them as they painted each others' nails and brushed each others' hair. Thankful to Alice that she picked up the slack for me and angry with myself for being unable to give Gracie this one night of happiness before all hell broke loose, I decided to keep up the façade as much as I could. Picking up a set of barrettes covered in rhinestones, I swept Gracie's hair away from her face and pinned one of the pretty clips in her hair before turning and doing the same to Alice. She glanced at me, eyes glassy with tears as she mouthed "thank you" and leaned over to squeeze my hand reassuringly.
They giggled as Gracie brushed shiny lip gloss on both their lips. She got up on her knees and kissed me, smudging the sticky gloss on my mouth and most of my face. "Love you, Mama," she whispered before we all fell into a pile together in the bed I had shared with Edward Cullen.
The next morning I woke up to the smell of bacon wafting through the apartment. I knew better than to think that Alice had cooked, so I took my time getting to the kitchen, wondering who else was there. I was surprised to find Alice and Gracie alone amongst various containers from a nearby restaurant.
"Breakfast, Mommy!" Gracie giggled in a sing-song voice. She was such a happy little girl. So lucky, so loved. I knew that Edward coming into her life could only be good for her, just one more person to love her.
I picked at my breakfast while they ate, making small talk about what Alice and Gracie were up to for the rest of the day. Before I knew it, they were dressed and out the door. I spent the rest of the morning cleaning the already-spotless kitchen and looking through some old photo albums.
And waiting.
The waiting was the worst.
Finally deciding that I needed to do something, I went into the kitchen to prepare lunch. Unsure if Edward would be there alone with me and if he would want to do something as mundane as eating, I figured everyone else might be hungry. I prepared some chicken salad sandwiches and a cold pasta dish that Edward always packed for us when we went on picnics in Forks. I wondered if he would remember those days, and if he still liked chicken salad.
I didn't hear the knock on the door, but I felt his presence before he entered the room. My skin buzzed with anticipation. He was here, he was real.
And I was married.
I looked up hesitantly and there he was. He was just as handsome as I remembered, if not even more so. Deep, green eyes bored into mine, holding me captive as we stared across the room at each other. It felt like everything was happening in slow motion. My knees were weak and I felt like I was going to fall to the floor; my breathing trembled, my heart begging me to cross the room to him, yet I was rooted to the spot.
He crossed the distance between us and wrapped his arms tightly around me, enveloping me in a cocoon of warmth and his smell. He held me close, swaying us slightly from side to side for what felt like an eternity.
He repeatedly whispered, "Bella, Oh Bella…I didn't know. I'm so sorry, I didn't know. Bella," as he kissed the top of my head and my hair and my temple. So familiar, yet bittersweet. He was no longer mine…
Knocking aside the negative thoughts that were sure to ruin this homecoming later, I clutched at his back, his arms, his head. He felt so real, so perfect. For three years, seven months, nine days, and roughly fifteen hours, I had dreamed of this very moment. It had been so long since I had been able to breathe, really breathe, and I took in a deep breath, inhaling his scent and just everything about him. I couldn't get enough.
Not wanting to let him go, I burrowed further into his embrace. Reveling in the feeling of his arms wrapped around me so fully, I feared that I would literally fall apart if he released me. I fought back the sob that threatened to erupt as I tried to prolong this moment. I knew it wouldn't last forever, no matter how much I wanted it to. I didn't want the sheer bliss that was coursing through me to end.
What the hell was I going to do now?
The sound of Jasper clearing his throat brought me out of my musings. I peeked up at him, my cheek firmly pressed to Edward's chest as he lightly stroked his fingertips into my hair and against my scalp.
"Edward," Jasper murmured, clearing his throat again. "Bella…I'm going to go now and check on Gra-…" he cut himself off before saying her name, signaling to me that they had kept their promise and left it up to me to tell Edward that he was a father. "I have some things to check on. Will it be alright if I leave you two alone for a little while?" He glanced around the room, looking absolutely exhausted, but happier than I had seen him in years.
I nodded my head, feeling Edward's shirt move with my face. I couldn't separate my body from his even a fraction of an inch.
Jasper continued, "I know you two have a lot to talk about. Your mother will be over in a little while, E." He walked over to us and wrapped his arms around us both. It felt surreal, yet perfectly natural. How many times over the course of our lives had Jasper held on to us just like this? Too many to count. But now, it held so much meaning.
He backed away from us, holding back his own tears as he gave a meaningful look to me. Edward nuzzled his face into my neck and hugged me tighter. I held him closer to me, if that were possible, lost in the sensation of him and glanced over at Jasper. He looked sad for a moment before shaking his head. Then he turned around and walked toward the door.
"Bella, my Bella…" Edward murmured, taking a deep breath and continuing to rock us slightly from side to side.
Hot tears spilled down my cheeks as I opened my mouth to say something to him. What could I say? Telling him that I missed him, and that I had been an empty shell without him would be a gross understatement. There weren't words to express how I was feeling at the moment. Instead, I burrowed myself even closer to him, trying to convey with my body and my touch what I didn't have the words to say.
We stood there for what seemed like forever, just holding each other. Finally, he inched back minutely and looked down at my face. His searing gaze penetrated me, like he was looking for answers that I couldn't honestly give him.
Opening my mouth to speak, I knew I needed to tell him that I never wanted a life different from the one I envisioned with him. I needed him to know that I had never wanted to move on. I needed to tell him about Gracie. I had to tell him that I didn't know how I was going to leave this room without him. But the words wouldn't come. I glanced over at the counter, to the food that I had prepared.
"Are you…are you hungry, Edward?" I looked up at his face imploringly, begging for a little more time of just this. I continued, "I made you some lunch, I…"
I trailed off when he clenched his jaw momentarily and stepped back from me. "Lunch? That sounds great, Bella." He seemed tense, more so than I would have expected. It was such a difference from just moments ago that it confused me. Though he said he wanted lunch, he made no motion to move away from me.
"Look, Bella. I know. Okay, they told me about J- about him. I just—I don't want to talk about it right now, alright? I want you to be happy, really, I do." He paused for a moment, bringing his hand up and brushing the backs of his fingers along my cheekbone. "Can I just hold you for a little while? Just a little while…"
Unable to answer him, I instead tightened my grip around him, pulling him closer than before. If I was being honest with myself, I was relieved that I didn't have to be the one to tell him about James. I couldn't even describe the way it felt, standing there in his arms after all this time. Though I wondered what he was thinking, how he felt, and if blamed me for the choices I had made, nothing short of a catastrophe would cause me to break the spell we seemed to be under.
He wanted to hold me, and I wanted to let him.
We stood like that for what could have been minutes or hours before I cleared my throat and broke the silence that enveloped us.
"Edward, I just can't believe you're here. I can't believe this is real. I don't know what to do now. I've never been without you. My life has always been about you, every single day, even when you were gone. You've always been my everything." I clutched him closer to me, rubbing up and down his spine and threading my hands into the hair at the nape of his neck. I missed the feel of him. I missed everything about him. "I'm so sorry; everything is such a mess now."
Pressing me tightly to his chest, he rested his cheek on top of my head and swayed us gently back and forth, murmuring, "Shhh, my Bella, it'll be okay."
I couldn't hold in the tears. "Edward, I don't know what I'm going to do. Even though I have someone else to live for, it's always been about you. How can you say it'll be okay?"
Tucking an errant strand of hair behind my ear, he brushed the pads of his thumbs beneath my eyes to wipe away the tears. Slowly, he leaned forward and whispered, "Oh, Bella, you're my everything, too. I promise we'll figure it out, baby. Please don't cry."
Time seemed to stand still as we continued to hold on to each other. The room seemed to be charged with electricity, a power stronger than both of us, like some kind of gravitational force that wouldn't allow us to part. He looked down at me, glancing between my eyes and my lips and back up to meet my gaze again.
He was going to kiss me.
Though I had never wanted anything quite so much, I knew I couldn't allow this. Not yet. There were so many things I needed to tell him first.
"Edward, wait." I whimpered slightly as he traced along my jaw with his thumb and brought his soft lips so close to mine, warm, even breaths whispering across my lips. "I need to tell you something."
Slightly shaking his head, he tilted my face up to his and pulled me closer to him. "Baby, please. Just…" He paused before taking a deep breath and slowly brushing his lips across mine, back and forth, barely a touch as he held himself back.
Were we sharing the same thoughts? Could we really go there? And once we started, how could we stop?
"Bella."
It was faint, barely a whisper, but reverent and longing. Dazed, I watched as his eyes changed, seeing the way he steeled his resolve that we were, in fact, going there.
Just as he leaned closer to me, threading his fingers tightly into my hair and pressing his lips to mine, the door burst open and Edward's gaze locked with mine.
"Mommy!" Gracie ran into the room and flung her arms around my knees.
Edward didn't even look down at her. Unable to move, to speak, to do anything, I watched the myriad of emotions that cross over his perfect face. What was that expression?
Anger? Sadness?
Defeat.
Before I could open my mouth to speak, Edward wrenched away from me and ran out the door.