Chapter Nine: Where Do I Go

*BPOV*

It was just after eight when I pulled into Alice and Jasper's drive. I was appreciative of all the help Edward's family had given to me, always begging to spend time with Gracie, and never turning down the opportunity to watch her when I needed some time alone. This night was not one of those times. Though I knew my daughter was probably already sleeping, I couldn't bear the thought of being separated from her anymore.

Unable to process what had transpired between Edward and me less than an hour before, I needed her; I needed to hold my baby in my arms.

Slowly ambling up the sidewalk, I took a deep breath to calm my shaky nerves, and rang the doorbell. Standing there in the dark with my arms wrapped around myself, a slight chill ran up my spine as the last thing Edward said to me repeated over and over in my head. "Go home, Bella. Go home to your husband." Before he'd even spoken the words out loud, I knew from the expression on his face and his hardened demeanor that what he was about to say to me would tear me in two.

I was right.

The porch lighted flickered on as the door opened silently, revealing Jasper standing before me with a sad expression on his face.

"Bella? What're you doing here?" he questioned.

"I'm here to pick up my child, you dork." I rolled my eyes playfully, trying to hide the torment I was going through. How would I get through this?

"Well, I... I thought little Gracie-Lou Who was sleeping over tonight," he joked back. We both knew his pseudo-jovial mood was forced. Casting a glance behind him, he stepped out onto the porch and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. "Bella, I'm not supposed to be telling you this right now," he said in a conspiratorial whisper, "but Edward called."

My hand flew to my mouth as I tried to keep the tears at bay and not fall apart in front of him. Part of me wondered if Edward had explained what happened between us to his family. Hanging my head in shame, I worried that he had in fact told them, and they thought less of me for my deplorable actions. Oh God, what if he'd told everyone? I wouldn't be able to look Carlisle and Esme in their faces ever again. Married people didn't go around acting like a wanton floozy like I had. I couldn't believe I'd been so…whatever-I-had-been.

I had to know what the family thought of me, so I muttered out, "What'd he say?"

"Just that you two got into an argument. I don't know the details; he spoke to Alice mostly." My cries were muffled into his shirt as he stepped closer and tightened his grip around me. "Do you wanna spend the night? You know you're always welcome, Bella."

"Thank you, but I just want to go home," I mumbled. I wasn't sure what that even meant anymore. My entire body ached to go back to my place of refuge—my apartment—but I'd handed that over to Edward and couldn't go back.

I felt completely lost. And alone.

After standing with Jasper for a few moments and allowing his comforting words to calm me, Alice came outside carrying my sleeping toddler.

"Oh, Bella," she murmured, not wanting to wake my daughter.

I shook my head at her, silently pleading with her not to start. Not yet. I held back the emotions that threatened to spill over as I reached out and took Gracie from her. Immediately feeling the familiar tranquility that only holding my child in my arms could bring, I leaned over to kiss Jasper and Alice on their cheeks and turned toward my car. As I buckled Gracie into her car seat, she mumbled "Beau" in her sleep. Smiling, I reached into her bag and pulled out her beloved stuffed elephant, Beauregard. After settling him with her in her seat, I turned and waved goodbye.

Sitting at the traffic light as I waited for it to turn green, I pressed my fingertips to my lips as my muddled thoughts and unbearable guilt for what I had done swirled around me. I had no right whatsoever to kiss Edward, much less throw myself at him like I had. I felt horrible for betraying my husband's trust as well as putting Edward in that situation. He was a better person than me.

They both were.

Forty minutes later, I drove into the garage of the empty house that I shared with my husband and turned the car off. With my key still in the ignition, I sat as the minutes ticked by, unable to get out. I felt like I was stuck in limbo, and I didn't think that I could get out of my car and go inside—alone. Almost every day for the past four years, I'd hoped and dreamed that Edward wasn't really gone, that this hell hadn't been real. How would I have known that my dreams coming true would turn into such a nightmare—the love of my life rejecting me and telling me that he didn't want me?

I'd never felt this way before, and I couldn't get a grip on reality. Rationally, I knew that I shouldn't want the same things anymore—dreams of what my past life could have been were out of the question, but my heart betrayed logic, and now it was broken.

Glancing into the rearview mirror, I looked at Gracie, her delicate curls framing her face as she slumbered peacefully, oblivious to all of the chaos that was going on around her. She sighed and pulled Beauregard closer to her. Suddenly, a newfound determination swept over me as I remembered where she'd gotten that elephant.

I restarted my car and pulled out of the garage, anxious for my destination.

Throughout the long drive, details of my life flashed through my thoughts with perfect clarity: the moment I realized that I would spend the rest of my life with Edward, the first time I held my daughter in my arms, the day I signed the documents accepting the Trust. So many muddled thoughts swirled around as well: the first time I realized I didn't know who to call when the dryer stopped working, the first time I touched James, the first time Carlisle had to introduce me to a roomful of people as just "Bella", and not "my son's fiancée". Every moment of my life up until then had been somehow connected to Edward and his family.

Tears fell down my face as I became conscious of the fact that going forth, moving forward without him, was not something that I knew how to do. But I'd have to learn to live without him. What I couldn't seem to do the entire time he was gone, I would have to learn to do with him here.

I had to let Edward go.

Just before two a.m., I looked up at the dark house that loomed before me. Wondering if anyone would hear me knocking and what he had told them, I unbuckled Gracie and pulled her into my arms before walking up the steps and knocking cautiously on the large front door.

She came into view as she silently opened the door. Her malevolent expression, appraising and judgmental, quickly softened as she looked at my daughter. She surprised me by reaching out and delicately running the back of her fingers along Gracie's perfect cheek before leaning up and kissing her forehead. Silently gesturing for me to enter, she ushered me inside with a firm hand on my lower back.

Trying to be as quiet as possible, I trudged up the stairs. His scent immediately battered my senses when I opened his door and slipped inside his room. I carefully set Gracie's bag down and shifted her to my other hip. His voice sliced through the heavy silence, startling me.

"Bella? Sweetheart, what's—is everything okay?"

Unable to speak, to explain the powerful emotions that were coursing through me and how much I needed his arms around me, I nodded and walked over to his bed. James pulled back the covers and helped me climb in. Gracie immediately settled in close to him, and he reached over to me, pulling me toward him and wrapping his arms protectively around both of us.

Warmth. Comfort. Wanted.

"Shhh, it'll be okay," he breathed as he leaned forward, kissing my forehead and running his hand down my arm. All I could do was nod and hope that he was right.

X-X-X-X-X

The next morning, I awoke to tiny hands stroking my face and hushed whispers.

"Shhhh. Don't wake up Mommy. She needs to sleep, Emmy."

"Nuh uh, she needs pancakes." She giggled.

"Well, you know what? I think you're onto something." He laughed. "Why don't you go tell your grandmother?"

"Okay, Jamie," she stage whispered. She gave me a huge wet kiss before bounding out of the room.

Stretching and groaning slightly, I opened my eyes a peek to see James hovering over me. Pushing away my guilt for wishing that I'd awoken in a different bed, looking into a different man's eyes, I tipped my chin up so he could kiss me.

"Good morning, sweetheart. I can't tell you how happy it makes me that you're here," he muttered, running his nose along my jaw and softly kissing along my neck. I wanted to be able to lose myself in him, to look him in the eye and tell him that it was him I wanted.

All I could give him in response was a smile. A determined look crossed his features before his eyes twinkled. Then slowly, so slowly, he pressed his lips to mine. His hands came up to frame my face as his tongue darted out to lick my bottom lip. He groaned when I opened my mouth to him, as if it was unexpected. Honestly, it probably was. Guilt poured through my veins as I laid in bed, kissing my husband.

He tasted wrong.

I was disgusted with myself. Ashamed for kissing Edward. Ashamed for kissing James. Ashamed for being here. Ashamed for wanting to be there.

Unable to get a grip on reality and not able to discern what was right and what was wrong anymore, I just went with it and allowed myself to feel wanted by this man who loved me. He wanted to make me happy. He wanted to be with me. And Edward didn't. My choice had been made for me.

Edward wouldn't be busting down the door to take me away from everything. He didn't want me—he'd made that perfectly clear. Though it was certainly going to be easier said than done, I knew it was time for me to finally let myself let him go. I needed to stop comparing the two of them and focus on the person who had made me the center of his world for once. The one who wanted me.

So when he eased his tongue into my mouth, I let him. He was my husband and it made him happy, and Edward didn't want to kiss me. And when he palmed his hands over my breasts, I let him. He was my husband and it made him happy, and Edward didn't want to feel me pressed up against him. And when his fingertips slipped into my panties and brushed along my sensitive flesh, I let him. He was my husband and it made him happy, and Edward didn't want to touch me.

When I came, breathless and panting and pulling him closer, his face lit up with happiness as he kissed me again and again.

"How long are you staying, sweetheart?"

"I don't know. How long are you staying? I didn't bring a bag with me, I just—needed you."

"Looks like I'm taking my girls shopping," he chuckled. "How about we go pick up a few things for you and take Emmy to the park? I was planning to stay a few more days, if that's alright with you?" I nodded and he continued. "We'll be back in plenty of time for the party, but I know Mom and Dad would love to spend some time with their granddaughter."

James was always so reverent when referring to anything to do with Gracie. He just…loved her so much. Even though his parents weren't crazy about me, they adored her. She loved them, too. It would be good for us to spend a few days recouping here as a family—away from everything and everyone.

"Okay," I said. "I'm gonna go shower."

X-X-X-X-X

Gracie's infectious laughter permeated the atmosphere around us as James pushed her higher and higher on the swing. Though she had a playground the size of Texas in our backyard, she loved going to the park. She always wanted to play with other kids and slide down the "big slide."

When she ran off toward the slide, James walked over to me, contentment etched in his handsome face. He sat down on the bench next to me and reached over to pull me into his lap. Noticing me fidgeting uncomfortably over him, he frowned slightly before taking a deep breath. "When are you going to tell her?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I thought…I thought we should tell her together. I don't want her to be confused. We'll tell her before we leave."

"What's your plan, Bella?" he let out, frustrated and rubbing his hands vigorously up and down my arms.

"I told you: I thought we'd stay here for a few days and let Gracie spend some time with your parents. And then we'll go home in time for Gracie's party. That's what…five days? We can stay five days." I sighed, happy for the escape from reality that being in Spokane with James would afford me.

He inhaled deeply and looked out, deep in thought as he watched Gracie playing with a little boy who had hair so blonde, it was white. I wondered if he was thinking about whether his own child would have platinum hair like he had as a child. I rested my head on his shoulder and breathed in his scent, manly and calming.

Kissing my temple, he sighed and tightened his hold on me. "Running away again, Bella?"

I shook my head, wanting to make him understand. How could I explain something to him that I didn't understand myself? "It's not like that. I just—I didn't want to be a— without you," I choked out and burrowed myself further into his embrace.

He let us sit like that for awhile before pulling back to look into my eyes. "Look, I don't know what you want me to say or do here." He paused, and raised his hand to trace along my bottom lip with his finger. "I'm gonna be upfront with you, sweetheart. I want you; I've always wanted you. I don't want to give up on us, but you're gonna have to meet me at least some of the way. Not even halfway, Bella, just a little bit. That's all I'm asking."

I blinked back the tears that welled up in my eyes. I didn't deserve him. "I'm trying, I really am," I whispered.

"Are you?" he asked, sounding aggravated. His gaze went from mine, back out to check on Gracie, and then back to me. "I want to believe you, I do. I know it's hard for you, but you are my wife. I swear to you, I want to be thoughtful of your feelings, but I need you to consider mine, too." He hesitated, wrapping his arms around me again. After a few moments, he pulled back and tilted my face up to brush his lips against mine. He searched my face for a moment before closing his eyes, steeling himself to ask, "Bella, I'm not going to have the strength to do this again. You have to be honest with me right now. I need to know—what do you want?"

Stuttering in surprise at his candor, I answered him as honestly as I could. "I don't know. I feel like I'm in limbo. I don't know how to deal with this, James. I know you love me…"

"I don't want to be your obligation."

"You're not." Taking his hand and threading our fingers together, my voice wavered as I said, "I— I want you."

Relief crossed his face for a brief moment before something I couldn't identify settled there. Was it resolve? The next words he spoke shattered my already broken heart into a million pieces. "Then I don't want you to see him anymore."

"I can't," I gasped and shook my head in protest. "Please don't ask me to do that!"

"Then what, Bella? You say you want me, that you're going to stay with me? But what assurances do I have?" he groaned out in irritation. "You say you feel like you're in limbo. Think about how I feel."

What could I do? How could I convince him not to leave me, too? "What can I do to sh— show you?"

He seemed thoughtful for a moment as he dipped his head down and softly kissed the side of my neck. "Renew our vows. Move forward with our life. Show me, Bella, show everyone that you're mine—that you are choosing to be with me."

"I won't do that. It was too soon when you asked me before." Shaking my head sadly, I looked into his eyes, trying to make him understand that this was just too much. "Now, you just want me to do that to stake your claim on me or something."

"You are mine," he growled out, startling me. "Damn it, Bella, I know he's your past, and believe me, I get that this is hard for everyone, but—"

"There has to be a compromise," I interrupted, trying to think of anything that I could live with and that would appease him. "A party? We'll have a party to celebrate our anniversary on the fourth of July." I grabbed the sides of his face, pulling him toward me and begging him to acquiesce to this concession. "You can invite all of Seattle if you want."

"Everyone?"

"Yes."

"Will you consider counseling? You need to see someone. Maybe we should, the three of us, together."

"No. Not yet." Although I knew I probably needed to speak to someone professionally, I also knew that I wasn't ready to try again.

"What about Emmy? Are you going to let her call hi—"

Just then, Gracie bounded up into our laps, flinging her arms around his neck and kissing him on the nose.

"Were you watchin' me, Jamie?" She beamed as he nodded at her and smoothed her wild curls back from her face. "You'll stay right here and watch me—the whole time?"

"Always, baby," he said.

He loved her so much. He was so good with her, always taking care of her and treating her like the center of his universe. It never seemed to matter to him that he wasn't actually her father; he couldn't have loved her more. Every decision he made was with her best interests at heart. He wanted her to be happy and feel safe and loved. He wanted that for me, too. I just wouldn't let him.

In that moment, I realized that part of what Edward had said to me was right—I had never given James a real chance to be anything to me other than a replacement. The expression on my husband's face as he looked at my daughter with total reverence and outright awe sealed my resolve to try to make things work with him.

It was time I grew up; time to let childhood fantasies of first love lasting forever go. Life wasn't a fairytale. It was what we made it, and I'd do well to accept that and move forward on the path I had taken.

Gracie adored James, and I owed it to her to not turn her life upside down because I couldn't accept my reality. Spending time with Edward would be different for her, but she was used to visiting with everyone in all three of our families. Though it would be awkward and something I never in my entire life thought that I would experience, I knew that we could all be adults and make this as easy on her as possible.

Above all, I owed it to my husband, too.

Always going out of his way to do sweet and thoughtful things for me, James showed me that I was his priority every day. It wasn't out of the ordinary for him to bring me flowers just because, and there had been more than one occasion that he'd come home from work to watch over Gracie, allowing me to relax in a long bath. Though I didn't feel the necessity to spend endless amounts of time at a spa or a salon, he encouraged me to take time for myself and get a massage or a facial. Never asking for anything in return, he took care of me.

When she skipped over to her new-found friend again and James had turned his attention back to me, I answered him. "He's her father. Of course I'm going to let him get to know her." There was a sadness in his expression that I'd never seen before. "But James," I continued, "we both know that no one will ever replace you." I leaned up to kiss him. "Ever."

"I love her, more than anything. Both of you." As a brisk breeze blew by, he caught one of my curls around his finger before looking at me, into me. "I'll never let you go, Bella."

"I know."