AN: This chapter is dedicated to MaggieMay, who unknowingly provided the inspiration for the blast to the past.

Chapter 12: See How Deep the Bullet Lies

*EPOV*

Even though I practically had to beg her to stay, it was totally worth it.

Looking down at my daughter's sleeping form reminded me that this was exactly what I'd always envisioned doing with my life. Watching movies, holding my kid, right there with the love of my life—Bella—next to me. If someone were to peek in our windows, they might actually believe that we were the picture perfect family that we appeared to be.

So why aren't we? I knew that there had to be a way for us to get back to where we were before everything went wrong. We were meant to be—we just had to get our shit together.

We fell asleep, all of us, and I woke up to Bella wrapped around me on the couch. She stretched slightly, revealing her flat stomach and a few stretch marks near her hip. Stretch marks caused by my child growing inside her. Hearing my daughter singing from her room, I couldn't resist the temptation to touch Bella, to feel her skin beneath my fingertips and to thank her for giving me the best thing that had ever happened to me.

Her eyes popped open a few moments later when Gracie ran in the room, reminding us that the fucker was returning that day. Though it crushed me that she was so excited about it, I smiled and told her that I wished I could be with them, too. I meant it.

Right after breakfast, my chest tightened as they walked out the door, to go to him. Again. I didn't know how much more I could take. The whole situation was so incredibly fucked up.

A few days later, I was pacing in front of the door, anxiously waiting for Bella to get to our apartment. My daughter had spent the morning with my parents, and Bella and I were planning to have lunch together before heading over for dinner with the family. It was another thing that I figured we'd do around this time in our lives, and it amazed me how things seemed to fall into place so perfectly when it was just the three of us. Even when there was no name or face for the girl in my dreams, the life I'd imagined with Bella never left my thoughts, and so it was a little ironic that I could remember with almost picture-perfect clarity the night I was down on one knee and she was mine for life.

"I'm so proud of you," she beamed.

It was early in my second year of law school, and we were walking back to my apartment after dinner, snuggling against the cold under a huge red umbrella. It had started to rain, and we probably should've gotten a cab, but it wasn't too bad, and she didn't seem to mind. Besides, I couldn't wait another minute to ask her. Grasping her hand tightly in mine, I stopped walking and pulled her to me, taking a deep, steeling breath. "I got you something."

Her eyes widened and her skin flushed. Reaching out and playfully pushing me backward, she shook her head and laughed. "Edward! You shouldn't have done that. You're the one who made law review—I should've gotten you something."

Pulling her back to me, I held her head in my palms and wound my fingers into her hair before leaning down and pressing my lips to hers. "Oh baby, you'll be giving me something very soon," I murmured suggestively as I looked into her big, brown eyes before brushing my lips across hers and pulling her tighter to me.

She giggled. "Oh really?"

"Come on, Bella, you know you've never been able to resist this," I said, chuckling as she smiled widely back at me.

It was time.

Feeling around in my pocket, I pretended that I couldn't find her gift. "Baby, I don't know what I did with your present. I hope I didn't leave it back at the café," I said. Dropping to the ground in mock-frustration, I knelt down in front of her to look through my bag. "Ugh, I'm sure I put it in here earlier."

"Edward Cullen. You didn't get me a present at all did you?" She huffed and crossed her arms over her chest, causing the umbrella to shift and tiny raindrops to fall on my head.

Shaking my head at her, I continued to rummage around in my bag and said, "Make up your mind, girl. First, you tell me not to get you a present, then you fuss at me for not getting you something. Which is it?" I laughed and wrapped my arm around the back of her knees, pulling her closer to me.

"Nuh uh. I never said I didn't want a present," she giggled. "I said you shouldn't have gotten me one." She paused and quirked her brow at me as she held her hand out in front of her. "Now give it to me."

"Yes ma'am," I replied, placing a white rectangular box, tied with a small red ribbon, in her hand.

She took it and leaned down to kiss me, whispering, "Thank you."

As soon as she started to untie the ribbon on the box, I started unbuttoning my shirt.

"What're you… what're you doing? I know you said you'd be getting a 'present' from me later, but, baby, it won't, we can't—we're outside," she sputtered and looked around frantically.

"Just open the box, Bella."

She gasped and then burst out laughing when she opened the box and pulled out a black Sharpie marker. "This? This is my present, Edward?"

"There's a bit more to it than just a mere marker, beautiful girl," I said as I finished unbuttoning my shirt. "The minute I found out I made law review, I could feel it, Bella. My future's secure now. But, you know, I'm nothing without you. I don't want a life that doesn't have you in it. In my heart. When I got the letter, it was official—I'm in. Now I want you in, too."

"You want me to go to law school with you?" she questioned. "It's a little late for that, I think." She laughed and ran her hand through my hair.

"No, baby. I don't want you to go to law school," I sighed. "I want it—us—to be official. I want proof."

"Edward," she shook her head, confused. "There couldn't be more proof of us if I wrote 'Property of Edward Cullen' on my—on my…oh my god! I'm not—you don't want me to..."

Reaching up and pulling her to me, I kissed her and grabbed her hand. "Baby, no. I want you on me. Right here," I gestured to my chest, just over my heart. "Write it. Write your name on my heart, Bella."

Laughing, she pushed the shirt back and signed her name right where I asked her to. Taking a small step back, she admired her handiwork before placing a kiss on my nose, eyelids, and finally my lips. "What'm I gonna do with you?"

Looking down at my chest, I saw she had written exactly what I expected—her name with a loopy heart at the end. "Wait. Color in the heart with the red marker, baby."

"There was no red marker. Just this black one."

I grinned, and told her it must have fallen into my bag. "Just wait a second. I want the heart, too," I whispered and reached into my bag again. "Oh, here it is."

Her hands flew up to her face, the umbrella discarded beside us. Her whole body trembled as she looked at the small box in my hand.

"Bella," I said, my voice quiet and reverent as I looked up at her. "Isabella Marie Swan, I've loved you my whole life. I meant what I said—I don't want a life that doesn't orbit around you. You're my best friend, my everything. I don't need you to write my name on your beautiful face. Just wear my ring, and say you'll be mine forever. Please, Bella. Will you marry me?"

Triumph coursed through my veins as she leapt into my arms and kissed me, saying, "Yes! Yes, Edward, I'll always be yours."

"Always," I promised, pressing my forehead to hers. We were so happy, so blissed out, that we barely noticed the applause and well-wishes from the crowd that had gathered around us.

The soft tapping on the door brought me from my memories. She blushed when I opened the door and reached out to pull her to me, wrapping her in my arms. Remembrances of the past still floated through my head, and I dropped a kiss into the crown of her hair. She shifted closer to me, seeming to settle for a moment, before she straightened and moved back. She held up a bag.

"Hungry?"

My mouth started to water as I realized she was carrying a bag from one of our favorite nearby Thai places. Taking her hand and threading my fingers through hers, I led us over to the table and began unpacking the cartons of food.

As we started to eat, she mentioned some big party that the fucker wanted to have. "Ja— He, um, every year we," she stuttered. She grimaced, and then proceeded to try and invite me to a sick excuse for a Fourth of July party for the two of them. Emmett had already warned me about it, telling me that it was actually their anniversary.

I wasn't having that. We weren't talking about anything involving him on the night that I got her all to myself.

"Bella, I don't want you to think I'm being disrespectful to you here, but baby," I murmured as I placed my hand on her chest, feeling her heartbeat pounding beneath my palm, "I don't want to hear about him. I don't want to talk about him tonight."

Tears filled her eyes as she nodded.

Shaking my head, anxiety washed over me as I thought our time alone together would be ruined by that fucker. It was bad enough that he already lived the life that was supposed to be mine; did he have to poison the few valuable moments that I was allowed with her? I had to fix it, to keep her here with me. "I'm trying, Bella. I really am. It's true that I don't understand it, but I guess he's the one that makes you happy," I trailed off, not wanting confirmation from her.

"He's good to me," she said softly, "and to Gracie."

"I know," I murmured, sadness filling my heart and making me feel like I was drowning. What else could I say? I wasn't giving up, though. Still not knowing exactly what I could do to fix the fucked up situation we were in, I knew that blowing up at her or getting upset for the choices that she'd made was only going to push her away. It was just a matter of time before she came to her senses and remembered that we belonged together, and I would just have to keep showing her that I wasn't going anywhere, ever again. Time was the only thing I had on my side at this point.

Attempting to steer the conversation to a safer topic, I told her about running in to her old friend, Tia, at Toys 'R Us a few days before when I was shopping for Gracie. She said that she had heard I was "back" and had been meaning to visit. That led to us reminiscing about our friends from school as Bella filled me in on what everyone had been up to. Pretty much what I expected them all to be doing—some together, some divorced, some with kids, some alone. It was only us that hadn't turned out the way I expected, and I didn't understand that. Out of all of us, I knew that we'd be the ones to "make it."

In spite of a few awkward silences that sometimes pressed down like a blanket, most of the afternoon was like old times. We both knew that we would have to talk eventually, to figure everything out, but it was enough to just be with her for a little while. It was easy, and as the evening progressed, it just felt right. The blush on her cheeks that would result from me mentioning things that were once private jokes between the two of us let me know that she could feel it, too.

While cleaning up the kitchen after lunch, things felt so natural and almost back to us. Bella sprayed me with the hose from the sink, and I grabbed her and pulled her to me, shaking my head and wetting her in the process. Her shrieks of laughter filled the room when I held her tighter as she half-heartedly tried to wrench herself from my grasp.

And that's when I could feel it—the shift in the room that went from playful laughter to something more palpable. It was like we were magnets—we couldn't stay away from each other. As if all of the stars aligned, I couldn't help myself as I leaned down and pressed my lips to hers.

She stilled. At first I thought she was going to pull away. But she couldn't, and neither could I. For a moment, I fucking forgot why I was supposed to stop. The pull that we had always had was still there. My god, I could feel the electricity pulsing through her small body, just like it always had. It was like we were headed home.

Slowly, agonizingly slowly, I moved my lips against hers. She moved her arms, hands trailing up to my shoulders. So fucking slow. She finally rested her hands at the base of my neck as she tilted her head and sighed faintly.

Holding the base of her neck with one of my hands, I trailed my other hand down her shoulder, down her arm, around to her back. She inhaled sharply and pressed more firmly to me as I pressed my hand into the small of her back and forced her lips open with my own.

Hands gripping my hair, tongue sweeping into my mouth, body arching into mine—I could feel her melting into me as I deepened our kiss. It was like I could feel a pulse around us, a heartbeat, something bigger than the two of us spurring me on. To be with her, to claim her. To claim this.

I pressed my fingers lightly into her flesh at the base of her throat, feeling her pulse with my fingers—the steady rise of her chest under my palm grounding me and giving me strength. Slowly I moved my hand down to her body, the small moan that left her lips as I grazed her nipple my undoing. Bella's grip on my hair tightened, her lips and teeth and tongue rougher, more desperate as she pulled me down further to her, seeming to want to be closer. She wasn't close enough—we couldn't get close enough.

What the fuck are we doing?

"Bella," I croaked out, moving my hands to cup her face. I looked directly into her deep brown eyes, searching for the answers that I so desperately needed, more in this moment than seemingly in any other. "Wait. Tell me…this… Tell me you…You feel it too?"

She silenced me by pressing her lips to mine again, this time with much more fervor. We were working in tandem now. She began to unbutton my sopping wet shirt at the same time I started pulling on the hem of hers. She got mine off, straining upward at the exact moment that I bent my knees, grabbing her ass and lifting her up. She trembled as her long legs wrapped around my waist, whether from the cold of the shirt or the heat of the moment, I wasn't sure. I didn't think about it as I walked us out of the kitchen, headed toward our room. My room. Whatever.

She was all over me—kissing my neck and biting down on the flesh just behind my ear. It was so familiar yet…different somehow. Her attentions became more passionate when I kicked the door shut as I entered my bedroom. She was almost writhing against me as we fell onto the bed, and I worried that I had crushed her since I landed slightly on top of her.

She scrambled out from under me and up on her knees, wild-eyed and beautiful in front of me. She pulled her shirt over her hair, causing me to groan as she reached behind her to undo the clasp of her dark blue bra. Her hair curled down around her shoulders, and I couldn't keep my hands off her fucking body. She wasn't wasting any time as she reached out and pulled my hands toward her, pressing my palms to cup her breasts.

Instinct took over as I started to touch her, circling my thumbs around her pebbled nipples. Wanting to taste every inch of her, I trailed my tongue from the base of her neck, up toward her chin. I couldn't get enough. She threw her head back, allowing me better access. I kissed along her jaw, to her ear, grazing her lobe before running my nose back along her jaw and sucking her bottom lip into my mouth.

I pushed back slightly and gently lowered her to the bed. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and it was matched by her thunderous heartbeat. Entwining our fingers together, I could feel the passion, the need to just…consume her.

"You're precious to me. Everything about you." I kissed along the column of her neck, down to the base of her throat. I wanted to convey the way I felt about her by worshipping her. "You always were my world, but now—Bella, you're so much more. These hands held my baby. These fingertips stroked her skin. These arms held her and rocked her to sleep."

Running my nose along her arm, I pressed my lips into her skin as she trembled below me. "Precious," I murmured as I reached up and massaged her scalp with my fingers. "This head worries about her," I whispered, trailing my hands along her body to touch each part as I named it. "This heart pumped life into her. These breasts fed her. My god, you're so precious. This body grew her, these bones gave her strength." My hands ghosted along her legs and circled her ankles as I continued murmuring, "These perfect legs walked the floor with her every night. These feet paced. Precious."

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she whispered, "Stop. Please stop."

Her words hit me like a bucket of ice water. She was right. We had to stop. No matter how much I wanted her, how much I knew we were supposed to be together, it couldn't be like this. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if she became that kind of woman. And I couldn't live with myself if I was the one that made her that way.

Sitting up, I noticed her confused expression. She shook her head and reached up for me again, pulling me to her and kissing me deeply.

"That's not what I meant. Please, Edward, please don't stop this—I want you. I just can't, you can't say stuff like that to me. You don't know how long I have waited, how long I have wanted to be right here with you, in this moment," she said, panting as she kissed my neck. "Oh god, Edward, please. I just…I just want you. Just you. You're all I've ever wanted."

The words were like heaven and hell to me. I froze at the realization that while she may have wished that she had been with me all this time, the fact of the matter was that she had been with someone else.

Her husband.

I bolted upright and shook my head, trying to clear some of the Bella-induced haze. Bella's eyes filled with tears as she watched me shut down.

"Bella, I can't do this with you." I ran my hands through my hair and down my face. "You can't do this."

A myriad of emotions crossed her face as she jumped off the bed and grabbed her shirt and shoes in one fell swoop and headed toward the bedroom door.

Just as she reached it, I sprinted off the bed, slamming my hand against the door in an effort to keep her from leaving. We needed to talk. Why was she running away? I couldn't let her walk out. Not before we had settled this, once and for all. If she walked out that door, I knew I would lose her forever.

"Baby, please talk to me. Don't go," I begged. "We need to talk about this." Couldn't she see that this was our chance to make things right? Didn't she know that I wanted her, but wasn't willing to risk her integrity? She had to listen to me.

"Edward, please. Just get out of my way," she said, pulling on the door. Swatting at my hand, she tried to push me out of her way. "There is nothing to talk about. You have made it clear that you don't want me, so move," she sobbed, covering her face with one hand as she held her shoes in the other.

Didn't want her? Was she fucking crazy? "Damn it, Bella. Stop talking nonsense. You're not going anywhere until we talk about this—about what's going on here. You're married for fucksake," I roared. She flinched back and wrapped her arms around herself as I slammed my fist into the door.

I couldn't believe I'd done that. I felt like I was losing control as I fought to get a grip on my emotions.

Shaking her head, she whispered, "No." I could see her resolve as she looked at me, her expression fiery. "You listen to me, Edward Cullen. Get. Out. Of. My. Way," she spat at me, more venomous than I'd ever seen her before. Something flashed across her features—a brief spasm of sadness, followed by a look of resolve. "Right the fuck now. Move." She pushed my arm again, this time much harder. "As you so eloquently put it, I am married. And my husband is probably wondering where I am."

With that, she grasped the doorknob tightly and actually shoved me as she pulled the door open and practically flew from the room. She was down the hall and out the door before I could even grab my shirt. By the time I made it to the elevators, the doors were closing.

Running down the stairs, I knew that I had to get to her before she left the building—before I couldn't fix this, before it was over.

Still with no shirt on, I had just leapt off of the bottom step and out into the lobby when I caught sight of her. My chest was heaving as I sprinted after her, around the corner, toward the front doors. I didn't know where she was going—her car was in the parking garage, and she was headed the wrong way.

Looking to my right and left, I searched the street for her until I caught sight of her retreating form. Taking off in pursuit, I screamed her name, hoping to halt her.

As I reached her, she turned and looked at me, wide-eyed. Her shoes were still in her hand and her shirt was on inside out. She was clearly shaken and still sobbing. She quickly turned and started to run again.

No matter how hard I ran, I couldn't catch up with her. "Bella, please!" I choked. Sure that everyone passing us on the street must be thinking I was a raving lunatic, I kept on pleading with her to stop and talk to me. She slowed and turned to look at me, a look of defeat in her eyes. She raised her hand in an effort to hail a cab.

Catching up to her just as the yellow car sped to the curb of the sidewalk, I stood in front of her, chest heaving and tears pricking my eyes. Her face was blank as she shook her head at me. I clutched at her hips as she opened the door of the cab, trying to pull her closer to me. Pushing on my shoulders, she cried, "No, Edward, I have to go. You said it…I have to go."

Dropping down to my knees, I felt the rough asphalt digging into my knees as I begged her to stay. "Please stay and talk to me, Bella. I want you, Bella. I never meant for you to think otherwise. Just, please. Don't …"

The cabbie blew the horn and yelled at Bella to get in or close the door. What the fuck was wrong with that guy? Couldn't he see that this was the most important moment of my life? She jumped, clearly startled, and hopped into the cab, casting a forlorn look at me through the window as it sped away.

"Fuck!"

With no mind of anything else—not my safety from the passing cars, or the fact that the asphalt was hot as hell, I ran – after that cab, after her. As fast as I could, I tried to catch her. I had to catch her. The cab pulled ahead of me slightly, easing its way onto traffic, and still I ran until I was out of breath and my muscles ached in protest and my chest burned. I'd just about caught up, thankful for the packed street and a lucky flash of red—the stoplights were working with me—when the light fucking changed. The cab pulled away, moving ahead of the other cars and speeding away easily. Finally, I stopped.

There was nothing left in me.

Bending over slightly, I rested my hands on my knees and inhaled large gulps of air, trying to calm myself. I couldn't get enough air. Limping over to the sidewalk, I put my head between my knees, trying to breathe.

I sat down where I was on the sidewalk and again screamed, "Fuck!" Putting my face in my hands, I took a few deep, shuddering breaths and felt like crying. My whole world had just come crashing down around me. How could she think that I didn't want her? How could she run away from me? It was too much to take in, so I just curled up right there, taking deep breaths and trying to get my shit together. People walked by and looked down at me lying there on the hot cement of the sidewalk in broad daylight.

I didn't know how long I stayed there, but it felt like hours. Trying to get my bearings, I stood gingerly and looked around. I was a block and a half from my apartment and about to start walking back when I finally realized that I didn't have on shoes. My feet were raw and tender from all that running, so I hailed a cab, giving the driver my address as I slipped inside. Flinging some bills at the driver when we reached my apartment building, I made my way inside, taking the elevator back up to my apartment.

Crossing the threshold of my apartment, I closed the front door and slid down onto the floor. I was sitting in my apartment, the apartment that I bought and shared with Bella. The apartment that my daughter had come home from the hospital to live in; the apartment that was supposed to be ours—for our family.

I pulled out my phone and dialed Bella's cell—she didn't answer, of course. I didn't bother leaving a message. I didn't know what I would have said if she had answered, but I just wanted to make sure that she'd made it home. Scoffing at the thought of Bella being at home somewhere, without me, I raked my hands through my hair and hit my head against the door in frustration.

I never imagined things in my life could be so totally and completely fucked up. Bella thought that I didn't want her. I lived in our fucking apartment alone. And the two people who meant more to me than anything else, more than my own life, were sitting in a house across town, without me. With someone else taking my place. He was taking care of my Bella and my daughter.

Yeah, 'fucked up' pretty much summed up the entire situation.

I beat my head back on the door a few times in an effort to dull the pain that radiated throughout my body. It didn't help. Glancing down at the phone still in my hand, I quickly dialed Alice's number and left a message—she didn't answer, either. I needed someone to check on Bella and make sure she was alright, and I sure as fuck wasn't calling Emmett. He'd probably come over and kick my ass—and I deserved it.

It was stupid of me to play the dangerous game I had played, especially when we hadn't discussed things that should have been hashed out long ago, the minute I'd been back, really. Somewhere along the lines, our signals had gotten crossed. Had my anger at the situation bubbled up so visibly, in such a way that she thought I didn't want her? It was true that I had stopped us from going too far, but it was only in deference to our fragile situation, and not because I didn't desire her.

Smacking my hand against my forehead, I felt like an idiot as realization dawned on me. Of course.

That wasn't the only time I had pushed her away—there was the incident on the couch a few weeks back. I'd stopped us then, too. Knowing Bella the way I did, it wasn't difficult for me to piece together where she had gotten the stupid notion that I didn't want her. She'd always been self-conscious, especially toward the beginning of our relationship. I'd done everything possible to make her see that I thought she was beautiful, sexy...special, and it had gradually seemed to take hold.

Perhaps my being gone, my absence and the fucked up triangle we were a part of now, had set us back to square one.

"I should have talked to her, told her, made her see..." I croaked out loud, telling the apartment my failings.

Pushing the phone into my pocket, I continued to beat my head against the door intermittently. Sometime later, I started to hear knocking back. I thought that I had really lost my mind before I realized that someone was knocking on the door. My first thought was Alice. But then, I realized, it had to be Bella. There was no way in hell my girl would let me beg her—literally beg her not to leave me—and actually do it.

This was it. We were going to sit down and talk this out, come to a conclusion. Tonight.

There would be no more crossed wires, nothing left unsaid. I was going to tell her that I only ever wanted her, beg her to see reason and stop this nonsense with James. I wanted my family, and I wanted them now.

I ran my hand through my hair and wrenched open the door, anxious to have her back in my arms so we could figure this shit out. I couldn't help the complete and utter shock that overtook my body at the sight in front of me. It…couldn't be. I was temporarily speechless. Then I uttered the only word I could in that moment.

"Tanya?"