AN: This picks up in BPOV right after running away from Edward. Warning: Graphic non-canon smut ahead.

Chapter 13: It's Clear He's Gone

*BPOV*

A harsh and ragged wail escaped my mouth as I slumped over in the backseat of the cab. The driver glanced up, looking through his rearview mirror at me, and worriedly asked if I was going to be okay. Nodding my head jerkily once in a silent assent was the only effort I could make, knowing that if I opened my mouth to speak, I would tell him to turn the car around and take me back.

There was no reason for me to go back. Edward had made it perfectly clear that he didn't want me.

I thought back to what it felt like, being with him again; the sensations that his strong, sure fingers pressed into my skin evoked in me, the way his familiar and tempting mouth trailed across my skin, leaving a fire in its wake, how I was practically aching to feel him inside me, around me, all over me.

Stop it, he doesn't want you anymore.

Unable to bear thinking about it any longer, I tried to focus on what I would do when I got home. James shouldn't be there yet, and I needed to take a shower. Though I didn't want to wash his scent from my body, I couldn't pay the cost I would have to for not doing so. My heart was absolutely broken, even more so than when I thought I would never see him again.

But because of Gracie, he would always be in my life. I'd have to look at him and be in his presence, but not be able to reach out and touch him. I would never feel his arms wrapped around me again. I felt as if my heart had been wrenched from my body and trampled on.

I didn't know how to live this life.

I felt guilty for feeling this way.

Throughout all of this, I'd never once considered James' reaction—never once had I stopped to consider how much my actions would hurt him.

He'd been so good to me after Edward's disappearance, helping me with the paperwork, or bringing me groceries when I was too distraught to crawl out of bed. His presence during my pregnancy had helped me get by day to day. He would sit with me at the apartment for hours upon hours as I moped around, a constant light during that dark and difficult time.

He loved me, even when he knew I might never be able to return those same feelings. And he'd embraced Gracie as his own from the first time he'd held her.

The cab pulling up to our house broke me from my reveries and I got out quickly, wiping my face with my hands. Tossing some bills into the driver's hand, I thanked him before turning to walk up to my front door. I didn't realize until the cab had turned the corner that I'd left my shoes in the backseat.

Sighing heavily, I unlocked the door and slipped inside, pressing my forehead to the cool wood as I closed it.

Turning around, I gasped when I realized that James was standing right in front of me. He looked…anguished. His face fell when he saw that I had been crying, but his expression quickly turned to fury as he looked at my disheveled form.

He took a few strides toward me and stopped abruptly, just inches away. He looked down at me, his chest heaving as his nose flared in anger. The waves of rage emanating from his body were almost palpable. "Bella, where the fuck have you been?" he questioned in a low, angry tone. He glanced down at my feet before his eyes flew up, taking in my clothing. "Where the hell are your shoes? Did you…is your shirt inside out?" he asked incredulously.

He grasped the hem of my shirt, lifting it up to reveal that I was naked underneath. "You're not even wearing a fucking bra," he sneered, pulling at the waistband of my shorts, "are you wearing anything under here?"

My breath caught in my throat, and I stared at him wide-eyed and too scared to answer. I couldn't lie; I'd never been a good liar. Panic rose in my throat as my stomach twisted nervously.

I didn't know how to talk myself out of this mess.

"Answer me! Where. The. Fuck. Were. You? You've been with him, haven't you?" His voice was getting louder, his hands digging into my arms as he began to shake with rage. "Did you fuck him? Goddamn it, Bella! Was it everything you have been dreaming about, baby?"

"No," I whispered, shaking my head in protest. "I didn't … I swear. N- Noth…Nothing happened," I stuttered, tears streaming down my cheeks.

He reached just behind me and pushed the table over, causing the lamp to crash to the floor. His breathing was so hard, his face taking on a pained and feral expression. Suddenly not just afraid of being caught, I realized with a sinking feeling in my stomach that I was afraid of James.

He grabbed my upper arms and pushed me into the wall behind me. "You belong to me. I fucking asked you if you still wanted me. I gave you a way out and you promised me." He choked on his words for a moment. "You promised that you would honor the commitment you made to me. You're mine."

He stared at me for a few moments, and I just stood there, trapped in his icy glare. Lifting my hands from my sides and circling them around his wrists for a moment, I silently willed him to loosen his grip. I ran my hands up his arms, toward his shoulders, before resting my palms against his neck. Staring into his eyes, I realized how much I was really hurting him. He was right—he had given me a way out, and I'd refused.

Regardless of the fact that Edward told me he didn't want me, I knew I shouldn't keep hurting James. Edward rejected me. Not once, but twice. Maybe I would never be able to repair our relationship, maybe we would only ever be merely parents to Gracie. It would kill me to see him with anyone else, but wasn't I doing the same to him?

I needed to move on.

For myself, for Gracie, for James...for Edward. It wasn't fair to any of us to be so conflicted.

"James, I l—I love you," I murmured. "I am so, so sorry that I hurt you. Please," I begged, my voice low and desperate, "let me show you." Stroking my thumbs across his throat, I tried to soothe the erratic thump beneath them.

He breathed deeply, loosening his grip on me and stepping back slightly. The anger faded from his eyes, replaced by a weary sadness. "You promised, Bella. You came after me."

"I did," I replied, closing the space he had created between us. My hands, still on his neck, moved to his cheekbones as I tried to calm him down, to make this work...somehow. "I want to do this the right way, I do. You've gotta help me, though. I need help."

"I know, Bella. This is hard for you. Trust me, I know. But we can do this together. I know we can."

His breathing had calmed down, eyes turning softer and pleading. I knew that there was a part of myself that I held back from him, had never given fully. It was time to let go.

I reached up on my tiptoes, kissing his cheek as I softly agreed with him, "I know."

"Show me," he whispered, pleading as his hands went from my arms down past my breasts to my hips. Gripping me tightly and pressing himself to me, he lifted me up, cupping my ass and pressing me into the wall behind us. "Please, please, please…" he said over and over again as he brushed his lips against mine. Taking deep breaths, he held me tightly to him, like he was holding on for dear life.

"Just let me…let me show you, James, I'm…I just…I don't—"

He cut me off by kissing me hard, and with total desperation. He reached between us and popped the button of my shorts open, separating us by mere inches to pull them down. He stilled for a moment, temporary relief seeming to cross over him as he realized that I wasn't naked beneath my shorts. I shook my head at him, willing him to just keep going and not ask any more questions.

For a brief moment, I wondered what Edward would do with the garments that I had left behind. I knew I had to stop thinking about him and focus on the man in front of me, the one who had always wanted me, the one who had been waiting for me all this time. I pushed the thoughts away from my mind as I pulled James toward me, clutching his face roughly with my hands.

James kissed me again, driving his tongue into my mouth and rubbing his thumb on my clit. I couldn't help myself as I cried out when he thrust his finger into me. This felt so animalistic and needy. He used the wall behind me for leverage, pressing my body harder against it with his own, backing up slightly to undo the buttons on his jeans.

He moaned into my mouth, crushing his lips forcefully to mine again, not waiting for me to grant him access. He spanned his fingers out along my stomach until they wrapped around my waist. At what seemed to be an agonizing pace, he moved his left hand up my side, under my shirt, until it finally came to rest on my breast. He palmed my nipple to a hardened peak as he pressed the fingers of his other hand into my hip. Grazing down my neck with hot open-mouthed kisses, he stopped to gently suck at the base of my throat.

Opening my eyes, I looked past James into the mirror hanging directly across from me. It was like I didn't recognize myself, the girl in the mirror with this beautiful man kissing and loving her, loving me. What the fuck was wrong with me? Why shouldn't I want this?

"Oh god, don't stop," I murmured, clenching my eyes shut as he thrust his hips into me. I clawed at his jeans and tried to push them down his muscular thighs with my feet. The desperation seemed to reawaken in him as his head snapped up, eyes boring into mine.

I gasped as he snatched at the collar of my shirt and ripped it down the middle. He bucked his hips closer to me as he groaned. "You promised… mine."

Leaning toward my chest, he took as much of my breast in his mouth as he could and flicked my nipple with his tongue. He pressed one of his palms to my collar bone, spanning his fingers along the base of my neck, in an almost primal gesture. His other hand snaked back down my body, leaving gooseflesh in its wake. Making circles against my skin with his fingertips, he trailed all the way down to where I needed attention. I moaned out again, louder this time, as he plunged two fingers back inside me rather forcefully, curling them up and pressing his thumb roughly to my clit.

I jerked my hips to his shaky rhythm, just wanting him, needing him inside of me. "Just…please," I begged, practically screaming. His eyes met mine as he quickly withdrew his fingers and thrust himself deep inside me in one swift motion.

"Is this what you wanted, Bella?" Each word was punctuated with him thrusting harder into me, causing my head to hit the wall behind me as I dug my fingernails into his shoulders.

"Yes. God, yes."

Heat radiated through my body as my release approached. Pressing one of his thumbs under my chin, he wrapped his fingers behind my neck and twined them in my hair. He forced my gaze up from the place where we were joined, where I could see him pulsing in and out of me, to his eyes before pressing his lips to mine again.

He groaned into my mouth as his tongue assaulted mine over and over again, matching the rhythm of his hips. His free hand moved to my clit, pinching it between his thumb and forefinger and tugging slightly. My body started to quiver and shake as my orgasm coursed over me, and I felt the permeating heat as he came inside of me.

Thoughts raced through my head as I contemplated what we'd just done. I'd never been able to fully let go and just feel everything before this moment, and I didn't want to think about what that actually meant. Not yet.

He kept me pressed to the wall as we stood there, panting. My legs were still wrapped around his waist, his hands tightly gripped on my hips. I started to lower my legs when he grabbed one of my ankles, stopping me and anchoring me to the wall.

His voice was low and gravelly and my breath hitched again as he murmured, "We're not done. I'm going to fuck you all night long. You won't even remember your name when we're through."

Gasping at his statement, I knew this wasn't just about a husband being with his wife. We both had something to prove. It was about time we were at the same place at the same time, with the same objective.

He wanted to make me forget, and I didn't want to remember anymore.

He wouldn't hurt me, I knew that. Until very recently, James had never been anything but patient with me. Already, some of the fire from earlier had disappeared from his eyes, and a lazy, content grin lit his handsome face. I knew he'd felt threatened lately, that he thought he was going to lose both me and Gracie. If I was serious about this, which I had resolved to be, I needed to show him.

Grabbing his head in my hands, I threaded my fingers through his hair and looked deep into his eyes, whispering, "Then take me. Again. Right now." I pulled his head forward, pressing my lips to his with all of the passion I was able to put into that kiss.

He returned my eager kiss, pulling me away from the wall, our bodies still attached. The jeans still pooled around his ankles caused him to stagger slightly, and I tightened my arms around his neck and gripped him around the waist harder with my legs, crossing my ankles together to strengthen our bond. I laughed against his mouth as he stepped out of his jeans, using his feet to assist him before carrying me down the hall, toward the bedroom.

"God, Bella, you don't know how long…" he groaned into my mouth before trailing kisses up and down my neck. He stopped us halfway down the hall and pressed me to the wall, loosening his grip around my back to allow his hands to wander. He ground his hips into me, slipping his hardening cock against me.

Arching my back a little against the wall, I caused him to stumble backwards slightly, giving me enough space that I could move my feet down to the floor and maneuver him against the opposite wall. Placing my hands on his shoulders and pushing him down, I started to lower myself to straddle his thighs when he stopped me.

Looking up at me, his eyes darkened as he sat up slightly, gripped my hips, and pulled me forward. He ran a finger around my inner thigh in a lazy pattern, watching my face as he teased me. My breaths came out in pants as I anticipated what I knew was coming next. His hand that still gripped my hip propelled me forward slightly until I was directly in front of his face.

"Bella," he moaned, "I can't wait another second…" He ducked his head down at the same time he lifted my leg to his shoulder and thrust two fingers inside me.

Sucking in a hard breath, my bones turned to Jell-o as his rough stubble grazed my inner thigh. He circled my clit with his tongue and continued teasing me with his fingers. I couldn't believe that I was so close…again. It had never been this way with James before.

Focusing on the wonderful feelings that were flowing through me, I wouldn't allow myself to compare them. I was here, with my husband who loved me. That's all that mattered. It had to be.

As I teetered on the edge of release again, I started to fall backward when he reached up, circling his arm around my body, holding on to me tightly and rubbing my hip bone.

Leaning forward and pressing my forehead to the wall, I moaned and whimpered at the sensation as he thrust his fingers deeper into me and flicked my clit deftly with his tongue. Keeping one hand on his shoulder, I wove the fingers of my other hand into his hair, pulling roughly and causing him to growl. He didn't stop, even as my whole body started to convulse, my orgasm taking over and leading me into blissful oblivion.

As soon as I started to come down, he stood up swiftly and scooped me up, giving me access to kiss his neck and gently bite his earlobe. He groaned as I leaned up to capture his lips with my own. It was insanely erotic that I could taste myself on him.

"Love you," he whispered against my lips.

"Oh God, I need you. Please."

He stood frozen in the hallway for a moment as my words sank in. "I can't get enough of you, Bella," he rasped out, stumbling over the threshold of our bedroom. He took a few tentative steps into the room. Kissing up my neck and licking at my jaw and under my chin, he halted his movements, stopping just short of the bed. He gaped at me as I leapt out of his arms as if I were a wild animal.

I felt like one.

He started to move toward the bed but I placed my hand on his chiseled chest. Pushing him into a sitting position on the floor, I lowered myself down onto him. My mouth opened and my tongue darted between his lips, still savoring my taste on him.

He gripped my hips as I started to move on him, rocking us closer together. I threw my head back as he brought his face forward and started to kiss my neck, my chest, under my chin.

I held tight to him, using his shoulders as leverage as I continued to lift myself up and down on him. He moved his hands from my hips, making tiny circles on my flesh with his fingertips as one hand grazed around my backside, stopping for a moment to cup my ass before slowly caressing up my back to grip my shoulder. His other hand went to the front of my body, palming my breast before delving down to where we were joined.

Unlike earlier, he was being so gentle, and I didn't want that. I wanted to forget, to move on. It was time for me to stop this nonsense and just let go. I increased my pace, letting all of the drama and heartache seep out of my body as I did.

When his fingers reached my clit again, I rocked forward and attached my mouth to the juncture of his neck and shoulder, muffling my cries of ecstasy. I arched my back, pressing our sweaty bodies closer as he moaned deeply and began to move me with rougher, deeper thrusts. He continued to kiss my neck, his mouth sucking my flesh with more force than before.

I bit down on him when he uttered, "God, Bella …" My body started to clench around him as he spilled inside me, clutching me tightly and shuddering beneath me. We sat there, chests heaving, trying to catch our breaths, and coming down from the high.

He looked up at me with such love and adoration. "Bella, do you…that was, I mean…" he trailed off. He sighed, his face relaxed and content. "Sweetheart, you wore me out. Do you want to take a shower?"

Shaking my head at him, I whispered, "No." His face fell before I continued, "I mean, not yet. I'm going to call and check on Gracie. I'll join you in a few minutes, though."

He helped me stand and held on to me for a moment before sitting me down on the bed. Smiling a small smile at him, I reached for the phone and watched his retreating form.

As soon as I heard the click of the bathroom door closing, I sagged over and sobbed into my pillow, unable to believe what I had done. I stayed in that position, the tears streaming down my cheeks, for what felt like an eternity.

I'd really done it. I cut the ties that bound me to Edward, willingly and harshly. I didn't know what had come over me, if it was the stress of these last few weeks, or the hurt from being pushed away repeatedly, but I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't continue to play cat and mouse with my heart, only to have it squashed.

I didn't know how we would reach a resolution, if we could ever go back to being 'just friends', but, for the sake of our daughter, it would have to be done. I wouldn't allow her to see her parents, as well as James, in such an explosive, painful situation.

It wasn't fair to her.

But I also came to another startling realization. I'd just given my heart and my body to James in a way that I'd never been able to before—and though I felt like I'd progressed a thousand miles, I still felt…empty.

It wasn't enough. Giving everything to him still didn't fill the aching void in my soul.

Now what am I going to do?

I was so confused, so tired of the yo-yo string my life had been dangling on for the past few weeks. Nothing I ever did seemed to be enough, no matter how much I thought it would be.

I'd been so thrilled to learn Edward was alive—it was an answered prayer, truly. I hadn't even given it enough thought past that. Selfishly glad that he was still on this Earth, that my daughter could know her father, that I could breathe easier knowing he did, too. I hadn't considered how my moving on would upset him; something that, at the time, I'd done to try and help move myself into the land of the living. It had backfired.

And now there was James. In a fit of wanting to move myself on, again, I'd turned to the one person who should have been able to help me out of this mess: my husband. I'd thrown caution to the wind, opening myself to him as best I knew how, the way he'd always wanted, and I was still so...confused. Another backfired plan.

I'd blown my chances with Edward, I knew that now. But living this half-life with James would never be enough. I felt so utterly wrong in thinking that, but lying to myself had never gotten me anywhere good. As evidenced.

What a terrible time to have an epiphany. Couldn't have figured this out about...forty five minutes ago, could you?

Neither path was an easy one, both promising heartache and suffering if not handled delicately.

And I didn't know how to do it. I didn't know how to be James' Bella, and Edward's Bella had dealt with too many things to ever be that girl again. The answer was so far beyond me and I worried that I'd only fucked everything up—worse than before if that were possible. Added to the stress were the worries over what any and all of this could do to Gracie.

I glanced at the clock, noting the time. The shower had been running for the last ten minutes; knowing I needed to join James there, I waited until I thought he was almost done. I padded into the bathroom and slathered cleanser on my face—I didn't want him to know I had been crying. He stepped out of the shower, and just as I was getting ready to step in, I heard the phone ring.

"Sweetheart, you take a shower. I'll get that." He paused to cradle my face in his hands. My heart gave a painful tug as he swooped down to place a sweet, soft kiss below my eye. "Thank you," he said as he left the room.

Figuring it was just Esme calling about Gracie, I decided to stop worrying so much about everything. I had no idea what I was going to do. But I would get through this. We all would.

I had to believe that.

As I put my face under the soothing spray of the shower, I heard James answer the phone, "Hello?" A pause, and then he said, "I'm really glad you called."