AN: Yeah, this chapter is soooo not wuss-perv friendly.
Chapter 14: If You Love Me, Let Me Go
*EPOV*
"Edward, are you alright in there?"
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
I couldn't deal with this shit. I couldn't deal with Bella leaving me. And I sure as fuck couldn't deal with Tanya showing up on my doorstep, unannounced and uninvited.
Detecting her shadow beneath the door, I sat on the edge of the bathtub and silently willed her to just go the fuck away. Holding my head in my hands, I tried to figure out what I should do next. I'd called Bella a zillion times—all with no answer. I'd even considered stooping so low as to call Emmett, but I quickly decided against that. He was going to kick my ass when he found out what happened, so I might as well delay that as long as possible.
I deserved it.
If Bella thought that I didn't want her—if I had pushed her away from me and made her so mad that she'd run away from me—to him…I just couldn't even think about it. I didn't deserve her, and this proved it.
How could she possibly think that I'd ever wanted anything, anyone other than her? I wanted to fix it, to let her know that I'd only ever wanted her, that I needed to be with her and Gracie. But I knew when I saw the look of defeat in her eyes when she left me—it was over. I was out of plans.
Unlocking the door, I took another deep breath and opened it a sliver, peeking my head out and meeting Tanya's bright blue gaze. "Tanya," I croaked out, trying to find my voice, "everything is fi—" I paused, knowing there was no reason to try to lie to her. "Um, I just need a few minutes. You can wait for me in the living room, and I'll be right out, okay?"
She nodded, her eyes full of concern and anxiety. "I'm here for you, Edward." She spoke softly, reaching her hand through the tiny opening in the doorway and finding mine. She gave my fingers a gentle squeeze before murmuring, almost reverently, "Always. You know that." Her eyes searched my own for several moments before she sighed heavily and turned to walk out of my room. It felt wrong—her being in that room.
Wrong. Like everything else that was fucked up in my life.
Needing to make sure Bella had made it to wherever she was going safely, I swallowed my pride and decided to call her at his house. Searching through the contact list that Alice had programmed into my phone, I hit send and prayed that she'd be the one to answer.
"Hello?"
Fuck my life.
"It's Edward. Can I speak to Bella?"
"I'm glad you called," he said.
His voice was smug, and it caused a wave of nausea to roll through me.
"She's not available at the moment, Edward." He paused. "In fact, Bella asked me to tell you not to call her anymore for awhile."
"Get the fuck out, Bremner. Bella would never say such a thing."
There was silence on the other end for what felt like forever. "I'm just trying to do what Bella wants. She doesn't want to talk to you anymore. He was silent for a few moments, seeming to mull things over in his thick skull before saying, "Actually, we think it's best if you give her what she deserves, Edward. A clean break, if you will. Change the locks, stop harassing her, and stop calling her phone every five minutes. It's too hard for her to have to keep hurting you. She doesn't love you like that anymore. Would she have married me if she weren't over you?"
Even though I couldn't wrap my head around Bella saying anything like that, something in his words caused me to hesitate. I didn't know how I'd never be able to move on—she was everything to me. But the part of me that was still hurt over the fact that she had married him took those words and gnawed over them. Had she said something to him after what had happened earlier? Had I pushed her away and into his waiting arms? Did she love him? I quickly thought back on all the times we had spoken about him—however briefly. I couldn't remember her ever saying that she loved him. Had she? And what about...
"Gracie?" I croaked out, terror gripping my throat.
"We'll set up the arrangements through the office—I think it's best for everyone that way. Give them some time to adjust, you know?"
Stunned, I sat there in silence. I wanted to argue that there was no one better for Gracie and Bella than me, but I didn't think I'd be able to get the words out without erupting at him. There was no use in adding fuel to this already smoldering fire. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my fraying nerves, trying to be an adult about this. "I guess we'll try to work something out for all of us, then..."
"I'm not doing this for you."
White hot fury ignited down the base of my spine, and my hand flexed involuntarily around my phone. "For Bella," I confirmed, gritting my teeth.
"What else would I do," he asked, and I could almost hear the smirk in his voice when he began to speak again. "She is my wife."
Even knowing he couldn't hear me, I shook my head and ended the call, whispering, "She's my soulmate," into the receiver.
"Motherfucker," I shouted, hurling my phone at the wall. I watched it crack into a hundred tiny pieces. I fucking hated him. He had my life, had everything I had ever wanted. How was this fair? My breaths escaped in harsh pants, anger taking complete control after his parting words. How dare he offer to set up time for me to see my daughter? To remind me, once again, that he had both of my girls.
Sinking down into the cold bathtub and pulling my knees to my chest, my mind spun out of control, thoughts of Bella's lips pressed to mine, the way we moved together. How she looked at seventeen, happy and indulgent when I would twirl her around and love on her. I thought about our baby. Gracie. One half me, one half Bella—she wasn't his, she never would be. Going further, I thought about my girls living their lives with him.
Up until this point I had been angry at the situation, but not necessarily at him. I'd known James since I was in college, had thought him my friend. He had always seemed jealous of what Bella and I had, but I'd always chalked that up to him wanting something like we had with his own girl.
Not mine.
Now though, I seriously wondered if that was ever that simple.
I don't know how long I sat there, in the bathtub, just thinking. I came to the conclusion that no matter what James said, there was something there that he couldn't see: Bella would always be mine.
We were on a bad path at the moment, but there was more there to us than just a shared past. We had been, and would always be, a part of each other's future. I resolved to stop acting like a fucking dick to her, and start showing her again how perfect we could be together.
Time was what we needed. James was in for a rude awakening if he thought he could get one over on me. I was back in the game, and I was determined not to lose this time. Full of a burgeoning new plan, I jumped up and called out for Tanya.
As she walked hurriedly into the room, I grabbed her hand and said, "Come on. Looks like I need a new cell phone and new locks for this apartment. You can tell me what the hell you're doing here on the way."
X-X-X-X-X
As it turned out, Tanya said she just missed me. We were close friends, spending practically every free moment together while I was in Alaska, so I understood how she felt. I'd missed having her around, too, and after some debate decided the best thing was for her to stay in a nearby hotel. She wasn't too happy when I explained to her that no matter what was or wasn't going on with me and Bella, there could never be anything more with us. I wasn't sure she completely bought it, but she seemed to respect my wishes and go with the flow.
Over the next few weeks, time seemed to pass by in a blur, with me spending as much time with Gracie as possible. She was so adorable—the best of Bella and me, and even more than we could have hoped for. On the days that I didn't get to see my little girl, Bella set up her own Skype account for us so we could at least get in some face time. Gracie would always have a drawing or a toy or some elaborate story to share with me, and it made me so happy that I was so important to her. I hated that everything with us was so totally fucked up, but having Gracie was truly the best thing that had ever happened to me.
A few times, I caught glances of Bella in the background while video chatting with my daughter. It wasn't nearly enough, but I'd done what I'd been asked—changed the locks on the apartment and stopped all contact with her to give her some space. She called me sometimes, but I always let it go straight to voicemail. My plans definitely involved some cooling off time—for the both of us. When I'd check the messages, they were always about exactly what I expected—minor changes in times to pick up or drop off Gracie.
It always sounded like she wanted to say more, the end of the messages filled with awkward silence before she would hang up. I couldn't help but wonder why she continued to call, but I quickly squashed any hopes that it was her way of going against James' wishes. She was the one who needed to stay away, so I tried to let her.
As long as she wasn't keeping me from my daughter, I was willing to give her the time she needed to get her shit together. If we were supposed to figure stuff out, we would, eventually. Experience had also taught me that if I pushed her, she'd just run away. If I wanted to get in her good graces again and make her see that we belonged together, I'd have to give her the space she seemed to need.
It was way easier said than done.
A few weeks after Bella's silence had begun, I was video chatting with Gracie when Bella walked in. Giving me a tentative smile, she leaned over to whisper something in Gracie's ear. My daughter's excited squeal barely registered with me as I took in Bella's form—she'd lost weight and a small bruise was visible on her upper arm. Her face held an expression I'd never seen on her before. Resignation?
If that fucker had laid one finger on her, I'd kill him.
"Daddy! It's your birfday tomorrow and I gets to spend the whole day wif you!" She clapped and grinned widely, showing almost all of her perfect white teeth. "Then, I getta spend tha night wif you and see you alllll day for Father date."
Chuckling at her name for Father's Day, I kept my eyes on Bella in the small screen and said, "That's right, sugar plum. I can't wait to spend two whole days with you. I'll pick you up in time for lunch tomorrow." I paused, wondering what Bella's reaction would be to my next question but ultimately deciding that it was worth it, regardless of the risk. "Has your mom been sick, baby girl?"
"Nooo, silly, my mama's not sick."
Bella's sharp glance toward her computer screen made me stop questioning our daughter about whatever was going on with her. We talked a few more minutes and as soon as I ended our call, I dialed my brother's number. Pacing the floor in front of my desk, I pulled my hair in frustration. Was I going about this the wrong way? Did my staying away like she asked me to give her the idea that I was giving up, too? Unable to get the lost look on Bella's face out of my mind, I practically yelled at Emmett when he finally answered.
"'Sup, E?"
"I don't have time for your antics right now. Is something going on with Bella?"
"Uh, brah, I'm pretty sure there's a lot going on with Bella," he scoffed.
"No. I was just talking to Gracie via webcam, and Bella came in the room. Em, she had a bruise on her arm. Do you think—you don't think—"I took a steeling breath. "You don't think he's stupid enough to hurt her, do you?"
Emmett took a deep sigh and lowered his voice slightly. "Look, I saw that bruise on her arm awhile back. I asked her about it, and she, uh, she told me. Trust—you do not want to know."
"But if he—"
"No. Stop it right now, dude. I'm not telling you anything else. But I want you to think about this: if I even thought for one tiny second that stupid fuck would do anything to that girl, don't you think I'd tear him limb by limb myself?" He stopped, letting me think about what he'd said before delivering the final blow, "Edward, she's married. Stuff happens. Stuff I know you don't want to hear about."
I blanched, unwilling to let my mind travel down that particular path, though I worried that there was more to it than his lame-ass explanation. Saving me from thoughts I didn't want to ponder at that moment, Tanya walked in, carrying takeout from a nearby sandwich shop.
As I walked over to help her with the bags, Emmett called out, "Just leave it alone. Give her some space, man, or you'll fuck everything up."
Frustrated, I sighed into the receiver, "Whatever. This is not over."
X-X-X-X-X
The next day, I got ready to take my daughter to Canlis, one of the best restaurants in Seattle. Because it was my first birthday with her as well as the first time she'd be sleeping over with me, I wanted it to be special.
Tanya offered to tag along and had been supremely unhappy when I told her 'no'. She kept trying to change my mind, whining the entire time.
"Why can't I just stay here with you—with both of you?"
"Tanya, I told you that you have to go. I'm spending the day with my daughter," I huffed, frustrated and unable to see what she didn't understand about the situation.
Her face fell, full of disappointment. "But, Edward, she needs to get used to me. If you are going to try to maintain a relationship with her…" she trailed off, seeing the exasperated look I was giving her.
"If? Are you crazy? Of course I am," I practically shouted as I grabbed her bag, ushering her out the door at the same time I was leaving. "No one will come between me and my daughter, T. Don't you ever forget that."
I dropped Tanya off at my sister's before heading to my parents' house to pick up Gracie. When I got there, Gracie jumped up and squealed, running to me and throwing her arms around my neck. She had made me a card and a batch of cupcakes that her mother had helped make. I fought back my emotions as I realized that each of them had "Happy Birthday Daddy" across their tops.
Bella had also sent me a note for my birthday.
Edward,
I know I'm not exactly your favorite person right now, but I couldn't let this day pass without acknowledging it.
Happy Birthday, Edward.
I cannot tell you how truly grateful I am that I get to say...well, write these words, and have them not be just a whispered remembrance.
I truly am sorry for the way things have turned out between us. I hope you know I would have never done anything to willingly hurt you. I missed you so much, and made so many mistakes in my grief after your accident. Hindsight, huh?
Gosh, if you only knew how many times I have rewritten this note... I decided to just go with it, and hope that you get what I am trying to say.
Anyway. Back to happy, yeah? Because this day is truly a good one. I am so glad that Gracie has the chance to know you, and love you. It was always my biggest wish that you would have had the chance to meet her. I just knew you would have been a great father, and I'm so grateful that she now has the chance to know you outside of pictures and bedtime stories. She loves you, Edward. So much.
So, here's hoping that your day will be wonderful. Believe me when I say that I am so fortunate to have had you in my life, and I thank God everyday for giving Gracie the chance to know you as well.
Bella
Rereading the words that she had written on the page over and over again, I finally lifted it to my nose and inhaled, trying to detect her lingering scent. My mind ran through memories of so many other birthdays that I had spent with her. It didn't matter where we'd been: at an amusement park, on a cruise, just spending most of the day in bed—we were always just so happy and totally fucking crazy about each other.
I didn't understand her. How could she say these things to me and feel the same feelings that I felt and not do anything about it? I just couldn't wrap my head around why she was unwilling to fight for us. The only explanation that I could come up with was that she actually believed it. Believed that I didn't want her, that I couldn't forgive her for trying to move on when she thought I was dead.
Oh, Bella. How can I show you?
My mother must have noticed my frustration, because she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me down to her so she could kiss my forehead. "Baby, you should tell her."
"Mom," I croaked out, "she knows. How can she not?"
She held me closer for a few moments before letting me go and cupping my cheek in her hand. "Give her some time, son. You know her."
Shaking my head, I stepped back from her grasp and retorted, "I thought I did. The girl I knew would never want this life. I just—Mom, I don't know anymore."
Her eyes filled with tears as she whispered, "Happy Birthday. I'll see you tomorrow."
X-X-X-X-X
I spent the next two days with my daughter. She enjoyed acting all grown-up at Canlis and loved going to the Aquarium. We decided to stop for ice cream on our way back to the apartment.
"When's Jacob gonna come back, Daddy?" she questioned, looking up at me with her big green eyes.
Furrowing my brow, I knew I'd heard the name but couldn't remember. "Who, baby? Who's Jacob?"
"That's my goldfish. He went to heaven last week. I put on my pink dress from Auntie and we had a funeroll."
"Gracie, you know Jacob's not coming back. He's in Heaven now, watching over you." She looked up at me with wide eyes and gestured for me to bend down to her level. "But Daddy," she whispered, placing both of her tiny hands on my cheeks and leaned in, "my mama told me you were in Heaven. And you came back. You can go get Jacob and bring him back like you."
Overcome, I kissed her nose and lips before picking her up. "Baby, I wasn't in Heaven."
"Yes you were'd. My mama told me." As I shook my head at her, she scowled before continuing, "How d'you know you wasn't in Heaven, then?"
Taking a deep breath, I tried to think of what to say to her as I murmured, too low for her to hear, "because I wasn't with your mother."
Her eyes snapped up to mine and her big green eyes started to fill with tears. She shook her head, causing her ringlet curls to bounce on her shoulder, "So if you were with my mama, you'd go away to Heaven?"
I shook my head, wishing I hadn't said that out loud, "No, baby. That's not what I meant. Your mama lives with you ... and Ja- and Jamie. She's happier that way."
"Nuh uh, she wants to go to Heaven too," she cried.
"Gracie, what're you talking about? Your mother would never say she wished she was d-, that she wished she would d-" I couldn't get the words out, "that she wanted to leave you, baby."
"I heared her—she told my Auntie that she wanted to be with you," she cried. "but you don't want her to. She wants a go wif you, and then you'll go away, back to Heaven?"
Finally understanding what she meant, I laughed at her reasoning, relieved. "No, that's not what it means. And your mom wants to be with Jamie. Everything is great, baby, but I can't bring back Jacob for you. I'm sorry."
"Daddy, I heared her say it. And she was cryin'. And I don't like when my mama cries. You can't leave and go away again, please? Please, Daddy?"
As I held her in my arms, I couldn't contain my smile. Out of the mouths of babes and all that. Gracie knew what her own mother hadn't yet realized—Bella wanted to be with me, too. Patience was never my strong suit, but I knew if I could just hold out and give her enough time, she'd come to recognize that she needed me as just as much as I needed her, and that we were meant to be together.
If she was already talking to her friends about it, I knew then that she had to be coming around.
"Gracie, I won't leave you, ever again. I promise," I said, trying to reassure her. "Don't worry your pretty little head about it anymore."
She thought about it for a few minutes as we continued back down the street, still eating our ice cream. "Can I ask you somefin?"
"Sure, sugar plum," I said. "What is it?"
"Well since you can't get Jacob back, can you get me a puppy?"
"Your mother'll kill me," I told her, "but we'll see."
X-X-X-X-X
I continued to spend as much time with Gracie as possible and before I knew it, June had run into July. She spent the day with me on the fourth, but was going back to Bella's for the big party they were having that evening. Apparently everyone was going to be there, including my entire family, but I just couldn't bring myself to being around them yet. Besides, as far as I knew Bella still needed "space."
On our way out, I noticed that the dry cleaner located next to my building was open. The Chinese couple that owned it were good people, and seemed so ecstatic to see me when I came back. Bella and I must've brought them lots of business back in the day. Guessing they weren't in to celebrating America's Independence Day, I grabbed Gracie's hand and led her inside.
"Miss Cullen, so good to see you," he said cheerfully to my daughter.
"Mista Li!" Gracie squealed.
"I get your clothes," he said to me, giving her a wide grin and disappearing behind a door.
A few moments later, Mrs. Li came out from the back, beaming and holding a brown garment bag. "You come get Miss Bella's dress. I knew she want it one day."
Confused, I looked at her and questioned, "Miss Bella's dress? Uh, no…I don't want—"
She just smiled at me and pushed the bag into my hands. I shifted Gracie on my hip so I could maneuver it around to unzip it. Shock filtered through me, causing me to drop the bag when I saw the dark blue fabric and the tiny glittering stones at the top of the dress. Almost unable to catch my breath, I held on to my daughter with one hand and gripped the edge of the countertop to steady myself with the other.
Unable to believe they still had that dress, the dress that Bella was supposed to wear to our rehearsal dinner the night before our wedding, I croaked out, my voice barely above a whisper, "I don't understand."
Gracie rubbed her little fingers on my face. "You okay?" she asked.
"Yeah, baby, I'm fine," I lied. I was so not fine. "Mrs. Li, I don't want to pick this up now. How long—"
She cut me off. "I keep this dress for four years. You take it now!"
Just then, Mr. Li reappeared, holding the clothes I had dropped off earlier in the week. "Don't worry, Mr. Cullen, we add to your bill. Have nice day!" he said jovially as he nodded toward the exit.
Setting Gracie down and adjusting her dress, I grabbed her hand and led her to my car. "Hey kiddo, want to stop for a snack on the way?" I asked. I wasn't about to let a few pieces of fabric get in the way of my last few moments with my daughter that day.
X-X-X-X-X
Bella's house was decked out with huge banners streamed across her porch. Everything was covered in red, white, and blue, and there were a lot of cars in the driveway. Recognizing my dad's Mercedes, I fought back the bile that rose in my throat as I thought about my family here with him, celebrating them.
Gracie cheered and jumped in her seat, ready to run inside to the party. As I unbuckled her, she bolted out, running toward the fun jump that was in the front yard. Reaching in the front seat to grab her bag, I started to walk to the front door when I realized that Bella was standing there, waiting for me.
She looked beautiful, wearing a short white sundress with her hair pulled up. I noticed she was barefoot and was wringing her hands together and biting her lip as she looked at me approaching. She always did that when she was nervous, and I wondered what she could possibly be nervous about. I had to practically physically restrain myself to not touch her.
Gracie paused at the door, and then ran back to me. Wrapping her little arms around my knees, she looked up, asking if I was going to go inside with her for the party.
"No, sugar plum. Daddy has some things he has to do today. You go inside and have a good time though."
I bent down, scooping her up and kissing her all over her face and forehead. She giggled, placing her hands on my cheeks to stop me.
"Daddy, you silly. Lemme go, I wanna see my Unca Emmett now."
I watched her run into the house, pausing just long enough to hug Bella where she still sat on the porch. Her eyes were riveted on mine, and I saw the moisture gathered in them. I looked away, the sight tugging painfully at me and making it hard to not pick them both up and run away with them.
"Bella," I said stiffly, handing her Gracie's bag. I wasn't going to stick around and risk seeing that fucker, so I stepped off the porch and continued, "Tell Gracie that I'll see her on Wednesday."
"Okay," she whispered. She stood up and stepped closer to me, stopping short when Gracie's laugh floated out the open front door. "Um, did you guys have a good time?"
"Yeah," I answered. I watched as she twisted her hands in front of her, and then moved them behind her back. Her nervousness was making me nervous, too.
It was the first time we'd been mostly alone since our last argument. I wanted to apologize, but I wasn't exactly sure what for. I scanned her arms for any hint of another bruise, but there were, thankfully, none.
Good. At least I wouldn't have to go to jail today for murder.
"She was really excited to spend time with you," she said, smiling faintly. "She had her bag packed all week long. I had to convince her that she didn't need to take her entire toy box instead of clothes."
I smiled, too. "She's something else. I don't think I've ever seen such a little adult. She reminds me of you."
Bella looked down, and I saw her cheeks blush red before she shifted to look back over her shoulder. She stared at the open door for a long minute, crossing her feet back and forth in front of her. Finally, she spoke.
"D'you want to come inside? I know Gracie would love it if—"
"Jesus, Bella. Is it your sole purpose in life to break my heart?" I said, pressing my hands into fists at my side. Turning around and walking back to my car, I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard a small sob escape her.
"Edward…"
I groaned, my shoulders slumping as I turned around. "What, Bella? What is it?"
What did she expect from me? First she told me not to contact her and that she didn't want to see me. Then, she's acting all morose, sitting on his porch and asking me to come to her anniversary party? I didn't get this girl—at all.
In my mind, I kept repeating my plan over and over, trying not to lose it, again. I just had to be calm, had to show her that we could be those same two people again. The ones who loved each other, the couple who didn't have three thousand stumbling blocks in front of them trying to throw them off track.
"Edward, please. Just…please talk to me. I want…"
I cut her off, unable to stand another minute in her presence pretending. I was sick to death of pretending that I didn't want her, pretending that it wasn't killing me that she had chosen that fucker over me. Pretending that I could do this. "What, Bella? What do you want?"
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so, so sorry. Please. I love-"
"If you mean it, Bella," I paused, looking into her eyes for any indication that my Bella was still there. What stared back at me broke what was left of my heart. Her eyes were so unsure, so tormented and dead. I shook my head and murmured, "You chose him, though, didn't you? If you love me, you have to let me go."
"Stay. Please."
"Are you kidding me? You actually expect me to stay here?" All thoughts of calm and my plan flew out of the window. I was so angry I was literally seeing red. She wasn't allowed to fuck around with me and tell me that she loved me, or try to invite me into witnessing the happy couple's friends and family congratulating them on their happy lives. Not when it should have been mine.
"For Gracie. Please?"
"That's the reason, Bella? Because Gracie wants me to stay?"
"I don't know what else to say," she whispered. "Every time I try to say what I want to, you cut me off! Please, listen to me. I'm doing this all wrong, but I'm trying to tell you that I lo—"
I didn't let her talk? That was fucking rich. As I remembered it, the last time I had tried to talk to her, she had hopped into a cab and left me on the street. I glanced at her, noticing the tears, and for once not caring.
"Don't you say it. Bella. Don't you dare say it. If you mean what you are about to say, you would have fought for us. But you sold us out—and for what? Your sham of a marriage? Just don't," I said, flinching back from her hand that had tentatively swept out in an effort to touch me.
"Could you just let me explain? Jesus, you won't even let me try to tell you that I've made a dec—"
A glimpse of a blond head at the window caused my focus to slip, and in my rage that the fucker was spying on us, I lost her words. I couldn't do this anymore. "Look, whatever it is, it's not enough."
"How can you say that? You're not even trying to hear me, Edward.
"You need to wake up. You can't fix this with crying and saying that you l—" I shook my head, almost tearing my hair out at the root in frustration. Unable to breathe, the air around me felt like a cage. And I knew, right then, that I had to leave.
Giving her a final look, I nodded curtly and turned to walk away from her. When I got to my car, I saw her dress in the back seat. Grabbing it, I walked determinedly back to her. Unable to glance at the face of the girl who had been my everything—the girl who had just ripped my soul apart, I hurled the dress in her direction as I muttered, "Happy Anniversary, Bella."
Then I turned around.
And I left.