AN: This chapter is dedicated to MasenCullen
Chapter 15: Gave You All I Had
*BPOV*
Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I realized I hardly recognized myself anymore.
Dull eyes stared back at me, rimmed by dark circles that stood out on my all-too-pale face. My hair was limp, in need of a good brushing and the dead ends were noticeable. When was the last time I'd had a trim? I couldn't even remember. I looked sallow, unhealthy. Too thin.
What the fuck happened to me?
The past few weeks had been a total nightmare, starting with the night I'd come home and been with James. It was the first and only time we'd been together since finding out about Edward, and though I felt that it was wrong to be with him like that, the experience had definitely clarified some things for me.
It was nothing like anything I'd ever felt before—primal and just desperate. After Edward rejected me, and I realized that nothing I could ever do would make up for betraying him by being with someone else, I honestly thought I should try. I could try to give James the one part of me that I'd never been able to let go of.
When all was said and done, though, I had a major revelation. An epiphany of sorts.
It wasn't enough. It would never be enough.
I'd learned that there was no fixing this situation through gestures that were too little, too late. All I'd earned was a deeper self loathing for my actions.
James couldn't love me enough to make up for Edward pushing me away. He could try, and I knew he would, but it wasn't right to lead him on that way. Nor was it right to try and replace Edward—I didn't know that it would ever be, but I had to move on. I couldn't feel guilty enough to love James the way he deserved; Edward would still never be able to forgive me.
We were between right and wrong; between heaven and hell. Between fighting to get what we wanted, and trying to figure out what we really needed. We were wedged between the responsibilities to Gracie, and to our own hearts.
We were all stuck somewhere in between all of that.
There was no middle ground.
I'd have to make my own way. There had to be more to me than my past with Edward or my non-existent future with James. I had once been determined and independent and happy. I just didn't know how to be that girl, that woman, anymore. Still though, I had to try. It wasn't good for Gracie to see me this way, and I couldn't allow it any longer.
Looking back, I think James knew that everything was quickly unraveling. Though he always made time for Gracie, he'd spent more and more time away from home. He hadn't actually come right out and asked me anything, but I think that was because he knew that he wouldn't like the answers.
So I bided my time, trying to figure out a plan. I didn't want to disrupt Gracie's life too much, and past that I just didn't know what to do or where to go.
I could have gone to Charlie's, but I didn't want to put him out by moving me and Gracie into his two bedroom place. Sue had just moved in last I had heard, and that was just...weird. Not to mention the distance between Gracie and Edward would be unfair. They were getting so close, and I wanted that to happen.
There was Esme and Carlisle's place, but I wasn't entirely comfortable going there—I didn't want to make things worse for Edward than I already had, and he should be able to visit his family whenever he wanted. He'd missed out on so much already.
I had money, but that money was from Edward's estate being settled when he went missing. To use it in finding a place for myself felt wrong. There was the argument that I was using it for Gracie that, while tempting, still hadn't swayed me.
Weeks ago, the attorneys let me know that the insurance company was not contesting anything and that I remained in control of the stocks from Cullen Industries. How that was possible, I didn't understand. I had a sinking suspicion it was something Edward himself had set up.
What I did know was that I didn't feel right using that money for anything—I never had. The apartment was paid for, so I didn't have to worry about a mortgage, and Gracie and I lived off of the stock dividends and the interest from my part of the insurance proceeds. The rest of the money, including the principle, was set aside for Gracie. Even though Edward had left everything to me, I always felt like it should be hers. It should stay in his family.
Glancing over my shoulder, I saw the dark blue dress hanging on the back of the door, a constant reminder of what should have been. The last thing that I should have ever worn before becoming Bella Cullen, the dress mocked me. I should have been in his family. We should have gotten married and lived happily ever after. We should be raising our daughter together, having a life together, doing everything together.
But that would never be. He made sure I understood that.
Trying to talk to him at the party had been so stupid, I knew that now. I should have done it before, but he'd been so distant. Still, he'd only believed what he'd wanted to. And that was my fault, again.
It was originally intended to celebrate our anniversary, but I knew there was no way I could go through with a party for that. Since we didn't have the heart to tell Gracie that we weren't having the bash she had been so excited for, things went on as planned—as an Independence Day Celebration only.
Although I'd had my realization the night I'd been with James, I didn't get absolute clarity about our situation until Edward brought Gracie home on the fourth of July. All this time, I didn't understand how much I'd been hurting him by playing both sides.
Looking back, I should've seen the signs, and how much of a toll this entire ordeal was taking on him. He'd never acted that way toward me or snapped at me like that. It wasn't until I watched him practically unravel before my eyes did I realize that I was backing him into a corner of my own making, and he had no choice but to react the way he did. It was stupid of me to expect any other outcome.
Edward had been distant for so long, and since I was utterly ashamed for brazenly throwing myself at him, I didn't press for contact either. Taking the coward's way out, I let him plan everything through his parents or James' office. When I would call him, usually to rearrange Gracie's schedule, he'd never answer, leaving me to deal with voice mail. The brief glimpses I got of him on Skype were like a simultaneous slap in the face and an instant high.
Finally working up the courage to speak to Edward face-to-face when he showed up with Gracie, I didn't even take into consideration how I was approaching him—or where for that matter. All I cared about was telling him what I wanted.
He told me to let him go.
Even though it would kill what was left of me, I'd try to give him this one thing. I owed him that much. I refused to keep hurting him, and I hated that I already had.
So, I tried to figure out a way out. I couldn't ask him to move out of the apartment and give it back to me. I couldn't afford to get my own place either, and staying with James was not an option. I had no job, and no prospects. Though I'd always intended to work at Cullen Industries, I wasn't sure if that was plausible anymore. However, I was determined to find something to get me out of this mess.
I wasn't letting this hurt my daughter. Enough had been done already that she, thankfully, hadn't picked up on. Her age was a factor in that, but that wouldn't last for long. Edward and I would just have to figure out how to be polite to each other in front of her, and let her have a happy life with parents who loved her, though they weren't together. It happened all the time—we could make it work.
Wrenching the closet door open, I walked in and grabbed the dress I was planning to wear to lunch with Rosalie and Alice. Realizing that I actually needed their advice, I'd called and asked them to meet me. Alice seemed hesitant, and I couldn't figure out why since we'd always been so close. I guessed the strain in my relationship with Edward was taking its toll on everyone.
Truly, I hoped that Alice and Rosalie could help. I had to admit that for all of the times they'd dispensed unwanted advice, I knew that they had my best interests at heart. I was sure they would be the ones could lend some light to my situation.
Taking one last look at myself in the mirror, I grabbed my bag and headed out to meet them, determined to make a plan that would piece my life back together, since there was no hope for my broken heart.
X-X-X-X-X-X-X
"I just feel like I don't belong anywhere," I stated, my voice barely above a whisper. Taking in the confused looks on their faces, I continued. "I mean, look at me—I'm a college graduate without a job, yet I don't really have to worry about money. I own a home with my husband, and I also own an apartment. An apartment that I used to share with my…what do I call him? My former fiancé? My ex-boyfriend? My former lover? My baby-daddy? I've screwed it all up."
I looked at them, hoping for answers that I knew wouldn't come. They stared back in silence, so I continued.
"Everyday, before, when I couldn't …when I just needed some time to myself, I could go to my apartment and feel…" I trailed off, taking a deep breath and trying to put my thoughts and feelings into words that didn't sound so melodramatic. "Secure," I finished, nodding my head. "Like it was my sanctuary—the place I could go and just be. I don't even have that anymore."
As Rosalie opened her mouth to speak, Alice touched her arm, silencing her. They shared a cryptic look before turning back to me.
"Go on," Alice stated simply.
"I called my dad, thinking I might like to go visit him for a bit, but he's got Sue living there now, so I, uh, you know, they need their time alone. I could go out to Port Angeles to visit Angela and Ben, but Gracie…she wouldn't want to leave. And I couldn't do that to Edward. All she can talk about is her daddy. How great he is. How happy she is that he's back from Heaven. I tried to explain it, but…"
Sitting at the table, I expected one of them to say something—anything. Both of them were always so full of advice and telling me how to live and what I should do. Their silence cast an eerie, uncomfortable air that I wasn't used to with either of them.
I glanced around the restaurant and noticed Victoria walking in, smiling and laughing with some friends. Realizing I hadn't seen her since Valentine's Day, I lifted my hand to wave at her, but Alice's arresting stare stopped me. I turned my attention back to them and whispered, "I feel like a selfish bitch. I don't have to worry about my husband; I know he is totally devoted to me. He loves my child, he loves me. I just—I just don't have anywhere to go. Any place to plug in and be me for a little while. I need help, and I don't even know where to start."
Rosalie's expression curled into an incredulous sneer as she crossed her arms and scoffed at me. Once again, Alice quieted her with a look before turning to me, prompting me to keep talking.
"Honestly, I don't know what the hell that even means anymore. For years, for so long, I thought I wasn't me because I didn't have him. Now here he is. I've never lived in a world where Edward Cullen didn't…where he chose…"
Finally, Alice held up her hand. "Bella, just stop. We've heard enough. You don't know what you're saying. He chose?" She looked at me, flabbergasted. "You know I love you, but you are wrong, honey. My brother's been perfectly clear about his intentions all along. You're the one who's been holding all the cards this entire time. You are the one who chose."
"Look I …what?" I couldn't believe what she was saying to me. Surely they knew that I would never willingly lose contact with Edward, even if he didn't want me.
Rosalie leaned across the table, picking up my glass and finishing off my Pinot. "Bella, you can't have it both ways." She took an appraising look at me as I sat there, my mouth open in shock. "Don't look so surprised. Make up your mind, girl!"
I started to interrupt, but she held up her hand to silence me.
"You say that you have to figure out what to do about James, yet you have a big party to celebrate your anniversary. You tell Edward that you can't handle talking to him, then whine because he doesn't call you or won't see you." She huffed, narrowing her gaze at me. "Figure out what you want and do something about it, Bella. But don't expect us to stand by and watch you self-destruct."
"What're you—I don't..." I sputtered. Unable to form a coherent sentence, I sat back in my seat and tried to collect my thoughts. Was that really what they thought of me? That I had purposely pushed Edward away and flaunted my relationship with James in front of him? I'd explained that Gracie wanted the party—hadn't I? They knew that Edward was the one who didn't want anything to do with me, didn't they?
They had to know that.
So I told them. Everything: almost sleeping with Edward and the epic fight that ensued. Fucking James, only to realize he wasn't who I needed. Edward throwing the dress that I was supposed to wear to our rehearsal dinner at me. And the resulting silence between us, which had lasted weeks. When I was done—out of breath and almost out of tears, both of them reached across the table, each taking one of my hands.
"Bella," Alice murmured, "you're so wrong, honey. I'm positive that Edward thinks that you said you wanted him to leave you alone."
"But how could he—" I paused, as realization dawned on me.
The phone call after I had left the apartment that night. I'd turned my cell off in the taxi, but couldn't remember turning it back on. When I'd turned it back on, there had been a slew of missed calls from the apartment, but I had been so disgusted by everything I had done that I chickened out returning them.
James.
James had picked up the phone that night. He had spoken quietly, and I had assumed that it was one of my friends, or even his mother. But what if it wasn't?
Had he told Edward that I didn't want to see him or talk to him anymore? That was the only explanation. It all made sense now: how easily Edward had left me alone after that, when before he had insisted on us seeing each other as much as possible. The way he'd treated me the day he dropped Gracie off, the complete lack of communication—we'd never been able to stay away from each other before, had always talked through whatever issues we had.
The sudden jolt of knowledge left me sick to my stomach. Edward would only have stayed away if he thought that was what I wanted.
And James had seen to that.
"Oh, God," I cried, feeling bile rise in my throat.
All this time I had worried about hurting him, about leaving him after he had been there for me in the worst of times. I had fought against what I wanted, tried to reason that Edward couldn't possibly want me after I had betrayed his memory, and James had only helped the chasm between us along.
And while I realized that most of the blame for this debacle lay at my feet, the fact that he would go over my head about anything concerning my daughter—no, mine and Edward's daughter—pissed me off to no end. He had no right to do that, and this farce had gone on too long. I was done.
Talking to Rose and Alice had given me a new perspective. I could have kicked my own ass for not doing it sooner. Still, this clarity helped, even if only to make me see my mistakes, and try to figure out a way to fix them. And fix them I would. A new future for Gracie, one much different from the one I thought we would have to accept, whirred into my head, giving me hope for the first time in months...years, even.
I was tired of too little, too late. I was smarter than that. It was time to do all that I could to give my daughter the best possible life she could have. My baby deserved it. I had done it before, and I would do it again. Only this time, I was doing it with wide open eyes, free of the veil of grief and loss.
No, this time I could see the murkiness in my path. And it was time to let fresh air inside.
Rosalie cleared her throat and looked at Alice for a moment before stating, "I think, if you were going to get off your ass and actually do something about this..." She took another glance at Alice, who nodded. "…that you should do it now, Bella, before it's too late." And with that, she let go of my hand.
"You're right. I can try to fix this. I have to. What'd you…" I started to ask, but Rosalie just shook her head at me.
"You're running out of time," Alice whispered.
Jumping up from my seat at the table, I knew exactly what I had to do. There was only one way—he had to see it to believe it.
"What will you do?" Alice questioned.
"I'm going to my apartment. He has to know—I never stopped. But... oh! Al, your mom's bringing Gracie home," I said, shaking my head as I remembered that Esme was dropping Gracie off after their afternoon of lunch and shopping.
"I'll pick her up from Mom's," Alice informed me. "She can sleep over tonight."
That sounded like a good idea. If things went well, if me and Edward could finally sit down and talk through the huge mass of confusion between us, then we could go together in the morning to get Gracie. I would figure out the logistics later, with him.
"Thanks, both of you, you'll never know how much this means to me," I murmured, frantic to get to him.
"You can thank us by not fucking this up. Go!" Rosalie said, shooing me away with her hands.
With a final wave, I dashed out the door and to my car in the parking lot. Driving as fast as I dared, I made it home in record speed and tore through my house in a sprint. I lugged a chair into the corner of my open closet door, and stood on it to reach high.
A large envelope fell from the top of the box as I wrenched it from its place on the top shelf. I paused for a second, recognizing it. I shook my head, and kept going. Rosalie was right—I had to go to Edward before it was too late. As soon as both of my feet were firmly on the ground, I stumbled as fast as I could out of the room, clutching the box to my chest like a lifeline.
x-x-x-x-x
The drive to my apartment was short, my foot pressing the pedal harder than any daughter of a police officer had a right to. As I drove I thought about what I'd say when I got to him.
I would tell him how sorry I was, and how awful I felt for making him think that I ever wanted anyone the way I had always wanted him. I'd beg him to forgive me, and would promise anything for him to just hear me out. Showing him the contents of the box that was sitting safely beside me would remind him of everything we'd shared in the past. But, more than that, I hoped it would show him that I never forgot us, even when he was gone and I thought I'd lost him forever.
The box contained tangible proof that he was everything to me, and always had been.
Not caring whose spot it was or that my car could be towed, I pulled into the first parking space I could find. Grabbing the box, I quickly got out and walked over to the elevators. I grew more and more impatient with each passing second, continually pressing the button as if it would make the lift come faster.
This is it.
The moment I'd been waiting for; the moment I could finally just—be honest, and tell him everything.
A huge smile stretched across my face as I hopped in the elevator and pressed the button to our floor. My foot tapped impatiently as it rose, and I tried to figure out exactly what I'd say when he opened the door.
I'm so sorry. No, that wasn't enough. Please, forgive me. Let me in. Begging, but if I had to grovel, then so be it. I love you. I want you. Only you. That was better.
It's only ever been you.
Perfect.
The ping of the elevator alerted me to the fact that I'd reached my destination—finally.
Approaching the door, I took a deep breath and ran my hand over my hair in an attempt to smooth it. I almost laughed at myself—he wouldn't care that I looked frazzled. He'd just be glad we were finally in the same place at the same time. Shifting the box slightly, I rested my hand on my heart and took a deep breath before knocking.
I'd played out exactly what would happen when Edward opened that door a million times in my head on the drive over. I'd imagined every possible scenario—from him rejecting me and telling me to leave, to him pulling me in the apartment and barely having enough time to slam the door shut before ravaging me.
But never, not in a million years, was I prepared for what greeted me.
The door swung open, revealing not the man I had been hoping for, but a woman.
She was tall, and so, so beautiful. Big, piercing blue eyes and layers of slightly rumpled strawberry blonde hair was the first thing I saw. I sucked in a breath as my eyes traveled down to long legs peeking out a white dress shirt.
...Edward's barely-buttoned dress shirt. I knew, because I had been the one to buy it. The tiny blue stripes were familiar—it had been the shirt he was supposed to wear to the rehearsal dinner. It had matched my dress perfectly.
That was all she was wearing.
The air in my lungs escaped in a harsh exhalation.
"Can I help you?" Even her voice was beautiful. Not fake, but sorta breathy and sexy.
"Um, I'm, ah…" Willing away the tears that sprang forth, I muttered, "I'm Bella."
"Oh, you must be Gracie's mom," she stated, smiling at me in a too-polite way.
And she was right. Yep. That's who I was. Just the mother of his child, who had hurt him time and again.
"Yes," I finally said. Did she notice the tremor in my voice? I'm sure did. "Is Edward—is he here?" I asked, hoping the answer was a resounding 'no.'
She opened her mouth to respond, but didn't get the words out. Just then, my greatest fears were realized as Edward came clamoring around the corner, dripping wet and wearing nothing but a towel.
"Bella? Thank God, I thought I heard your voice," he said, glancing at the woman and giving her a questioning look.
"I'm sorry," I whispered around a choked breath. I slid my eyes away from him, not wanting to see the evidence staring me in the face. I forced my eyes back to the sex-pot blonde instead. "Please forgive me. I didn't mean to intrude."
I didn't like the twinkle in her pretty eyes. I wanted to tear them out and feed them to her. Forcing the box into her hands, lest I do just that, I stepped away from the door. My breath came out in uneven pants as my arms wound around my torso.
"I... I... I have to go… I'm so sorry to interrupt."
I turned on legs that felt barely able to hold me up, crossing back to the elevator as fast as I could. I heard Edward's voice raise in the apartment, and the sound of it broke the last shred of stability I still possessed.
As I stepped into the elevator, finally letting the sobs escape. My mind was a chaotic mess of hurt and confusion, but mostly I felt stupid. I couldn't blame James for this one. It was me. I had only myself to blame for pushing him away.
Belatedly, and more than likely on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I realized that I'd at least gotten out part of what I had wanted to say. I had told him I was sorry. Twice even, apologizing for interrupting their show—I stuttered over the word, even in my own head—shower, too.
Once again, I was the master of too little, too late.