A/N: Tis the last chapterD: fluff alert! And I don't own Degrassi or "The Reason" by Hootsbank.
"Where do you live?" Eli asked, keeping his eyes on the road and not daring to look at me even when we came to a red light.
"Um…I'd rather not go home."
"Then where am I supposed to take you?" He muttered angrily. "I'm not taking you back to Clare's. I came after you for her to make her not hate me, but that's all you're getting from me."
"I'm sorry Eli, and I doubt Clare hates you. The only reason I went there was because I wanted her to help you forgive me….you can drop me off at the church if you want."
"Oh would you cut this bullshit?" Eli spat, finally looking at me, though I'd almost prefer the silent treatment over his menacing glare.
My eyebrows furrowed. "Huh?"
"You don't have to pretend around me Fitzy. I know you're just doing this whole good-boy Christian act to get to Clare." His glare kept getting meaner and meaner and I realized that I really needed to explain.
"No Eli, it's not fake; not at all!" I exclaimed, feeling almost offended that he would right my faith off like that. But I reminded myself that I'm the one at fault in this situation and I shouldn't be getting upset.
The car came to an abrupt halt on the curb and Eli turned in his seat to give me his full attention.
"Oh really? So I guess you expect me to believe you went from being a psychotic asshole that carries a knife to a love-and-hugs Jesus freak that hugs a Bible? Yeah, that's gonna happen!" He snarled.
"I'M SORRY!" I yelled, too overcome with emotion to control the volume of my voice.
"How many times can I say it Eli? What can I do to make you forgive me?"
"Nothing Fitz. I will never forgive you for pulling a knife on me and scaring me AND Clare shitless."
I opened my mouth to retort, to defend myself, to say something, but no words came out. Because in that moment I realized just how badly I'd affected Eli. I'd really scared him, he actually thought I was gonna kill him…he thinks I'm a murderer.
This is probably the lowest I've ever felt.
I took a deep breath to get in control of my emotions and then turned to open the door.
"Thanks for taking me this far." I whispered, then stepped out of the car.
I was about to take off running when I heard Eli's open and then slam shut.
"Fitz, hold on…I can't just leave you here, Clare would kill me!"
I whipped around and he gasped when he saw the wetness in my eyes.
"If Clare asks me I'll tell her you took me home and bought me a happy meal on the way and everything."
Eli raised an eyebrow. "I thought it was wrong to lie."
"I would rather lie than sit here while you trash my beliefs. Even though I deserve it, I can't take it." My voice cracked and a tear fell down my cheek.
Eli's expression changed from one of frustration to confusion, his features softening ever so slightly.
"I'm so, SO sorry for what I did Eli. I didn't realize it affected you so much. But…I have changed, and…if you don't believe that, I guess there's nothing I can do. But I can't stand being around you while you hate me." I gulped and wrung my shaking hands, then turned to walk away again.
This time when Eli stopped me, he put a hand on my shoulder.
"Fitz?"
I turned around to face Eli, unable to read his expression.
He took one look at my forlorn face and sighed, closing his eyes.
"If you're messing with me, I swear to God I'll fucking kill you." He said through gritted teeth.
"What does that mean?" I asked quietly.
He opened his eyes and hesitated before he spoke. "It means I believe you and…I guess I um…forgive you."
A huge smile broke out on my face and I threw my arms around Eli before I could stop myself. Yes!
His body stiffened and I let go. "Uh…sorry." I mumbled, blushing a little.
"It's…um…fine."
To alleviate the awkward tension I decided to make a joke. "So, Clare will be super happy you forgave me."
He grinned at first but then his expression became serious. "Actually I didn't forgive you because of Clare…I forgave you because…well, I'm no better than you are, and I figured if you were really sorry it was just wrong of me to let you keep pretending like you're the only bad guy in this situation." He looked really sad by the end of his little speech and he wouldn't meet my eyes. I patted his arm a little and spoke "Don't worry Eli, what I did was way worse than anything you did. I mean, I pulled a knife-…"
"Yeah, but you didn't KILL me."
"Well no I didn't, but it's not like you've killed anyone either."
"And why do you assume that?"
I looked up at him in disbelief and found his expression a mixture of agony and darkness.
"Eli…what are you saying?"
He took a deep breath and turned so his back was to me before he finally spoke. "You're not the first bully I've had to face Fitz. There was this guy Mike who tormented me from when I was nine until I was fifteen. He made my life a living hell, and when I got a girlfriend, he made her life a living hell too. He sexually harassed a lot and it bothered her, obviously. One day he was grabbing at her tits and I just snapped. I punched him the face, and tried to beat him up. But I lost, badly. And I couldn't do anything but lie on the ground bleeding and watch him kiss and touch my girlfriend against her will."
I gasped and reached a hand out to Eli, then dropped it because his body was shaking so much. "Eli, that's-…"
But he cut me off and kept going with his awful story.
"I felt horrified that I couldn't protect her, so I take more risks, fought a lot more, with random people I barely knew. I would threaten and sometimes punch any guy that came near her. I was scared, I was only trying to protect her but…she didn't like it. She said I was being too controlling and that I was just acting like a douche bag all the time. We got into this huge fight one night and she took off on her bike and then…then…"
"What happened Eli?" I asked, not even sure I wanted to hear the answer though.
He took a deep shaky breath.
"She got hit by a car. She died Fitz. She died because of what I did to her, because of what the bullies did to me. And that's why I hate bullies Fitz. And with you and Clare, I could feel that history was repeating itself but I couldn't just stop trying to look out for her! And now that I know you're not really going to hurt her..."
"You don't have to worry about anything Eli. I'll never hurt Clare, and I'll never hurt you, and I'm so, so sorry for your loss."
He turned around and I saw the tears rolling down his cheeks. He bit his lip to keep himself from sobbing and all I wanted to do was wrap him in my arms and comfort him.
"Eli look…I know you may not consider me a friend but…you look like you need a hug."
With that, he lost it.
He burst into a fit of sobs and nodded, walking straight into my open arms. I hugged him tightly, not wanting to let go for anything.
I don't know how long I stood there holding Eli, just thinking about how lucky I was to have in my arms.
I…really like Eli.
Part of the reason why I used to mess with him so much back in the bad times was because I had this…attraction to him. I was sure I was straight, and I was homophobe then too, so I took out my confusing feelings on Eli himself. But now that I'm accepting of all people, including myself, and now that Eli's in my arms…
Oh Lord. I just want him.
But the sad thing is, he's 100% straight. Not even a teeny bit bi like me. And he's madly in love with Clare, so that rules out any possibilities I could've ever had with him.
But now that he's forgiven me and he's maybe willing to by my friend…I couldn't help but think that maybe this will be even more painful for me then when he hated me. Because now I can have him in my life, but…not in the way I want.
I sighed and Eli did the same, finally pulling away from my chest to look up at me.
"So Fitz…you wanted to go to the church?"
I nodded, and we got back into Eli's hearse.
He turned on the radio, and I started singing softly as one of my favorite songs came on.
"I'm sorry that I hurt you…it's something I must live with everyday."
Eli turned to look at me as I sang.
"And all the pain I put you through…" I could feel Eli's intense gaze on me and I turned to face him too.
"I wish that I could take it all away. And be the one who catches all your tears…"
I reached up and wiped a wet spot on his face.
He let me caress his cheek for a moment but then shied away and I dropped my hand, totally embarrassed.
Eli's cheeks reddened and I turned to face the road, putting the car in drive.
"Um…I think I'd be able to better focus on the road without music." He said quietly, and I turned the radio off.
The drive to the church was awkward. I feel like Eli knows now, he knows how I truly feel about him. But I hope I'm wrong, since I know he doesn't reciprocate.
When he pulled up in front of the chapel I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, realizing that this was probably one of the last times I was gonna be around Eli for a while.
"Thanks for the ride Eli."
"No problem…thanks for the apology, and for listening and for comforting me."
He said sincerely, offering me a shy smile as he placed his hand on mine for just a second. As he went to take it off I put my other hand on top of his told it in place, and scooted toward him on the seat.
"Thank you for forgiving me Eli."
"Thanks for showing me people can change Fitz."
Our faces are only an inch apart at this point.
"You're welcome", I murmured, our noses touching…
Eli pressed his lips to mine in the shortest, most chaste kiss I've ever shared with anyone. And yet…it was the most magical kiss I've ever received.
He pulled back quickly.
"I'm so sorry…" He mumbled, but I shook my head.
"Don't be." I whispered, crushing my lips back to his and running my tongue over his soft lip. He kissed me back with fervor for a moment, a fervor I hadn't found with any girl, but then he pulled away.
"Fitz…I can't…Clare…" He drabbled on awkwardly, trying to explain.
But he doesn't have to, I already knew there's no way for us to be together.
I nodded. "It's okay. I'm sorry for encouraging you, I just…the way I feel for you has always been different and I was…"
"Curious." Eli finished for me, nodding as well. "I was too. But like I said, I'm with Clare…"
"I know Eli and…" I sighed and closed my eyes. "I wouldn't ask you to leave her for me. I know you love her, I was just a one time experiment thing."
"No you weren't Fitz, you…" He trailed off, as if he was unsure what he was going to say.
"Let's just say I'm glad you turned your life around Fitz. Because although I love Clare more than words can express…I've always been interested in you too."
I grinned from ear to ear at Eli's confession.
"So does this mean that if, God forbid, things don't work out between you and Clare, you'll give me a call?"
He hesitated for a moment but then leaned forward to kiss me on the cheek.
"Goodbye Fitz."
I got out of the car and walked toward the church as Eli drove away.
I don't know what will become of us, but I know haven't been this happy in a long, long time.