Chapter 19: Take Back Now My Life You're Stealing

*BPOV*

Leaning back on the blanket that I'd spread out, I watched the flowers moving gently in the breeze. Tall grass surrounded me, protecting me from the outside world and providing the solace that I so desperately needed. I closed my eyes and lifted my face up, thankful for the sunlight that crept across the meadow, warming my skin.

No matter the warmth on my outside, inside I was so cold.

Numb.

Unable to understand how this situation had happened, I could barely believe this was my real life. I felt like I was in some sort of alternate universe, a terrible dream from which I couldn't wake.

It had all been a lie. This entire time was nothing more than a deception. And he knew it.

James had lied to me for so long, and I just couldn't figure out why he would do it. Did he really believe that I would never find out?

There had been an overwhelming feeling of trepidation that seeped through me as I looked over the papers that had fallen out of that envelope. The date on Laurent's Officiant License flashed through my mind. Since Laurent wasn't legally able to perform weddings until two days after we were wed, my marriage was effectively a sham. As in, it never counted.

In that moment, my entire world crashed and imploded around me. His web of lies, my deceit to both of them as well as myself—it just all tumbled down around me like a house of cards built on a shaky surface. I realized how big of a mistake I'd made in marrying him and how ultimately trying to pretend that it could ever be enough was going to cost me everything.

James had begged me to listen to him.

"Let me explain—it's not what you think. Please."

I shook my head, wondering for a moment how he really expected to explain himself. It was impossible that he could ever think that I could forgive him for lying to me and so callously ignoring my feelings. He hurt me by being dishonest. Not only had he hurt me, but Gracie and Edward, too. And now, after all he'd put me through, I knew that I never wanted to see him again.

The only feeling I could conjure up for him was disdain. In my head, I knew I'd loved him, in my own way. After all, he helped me get through the most devastating time in my life and was there for me as I tried to pick up the pieces after Edward's disappearance, but my heart could only blame him for ruining the only future I ever really wanted. All I was left with was wondering how in the world I ever allowed myself to think that I was ready to move on—I wasn't, and I had made the mistake of a lifetime, essentially silencing the voice in my heart that always knew that Edward was alive. Maybe that was why I couldn't fully commit myself to James.

Whatever the reason, we were both to blame. I was done protecting him though, done trying to take his feelings into consideration. He obviously didn't care about mine.

The limited conversation I had with Emmett on the way to the Emergency Room ran through my mind at this thought. I was so stupid; I should have just told him, let him go wallop on James for all his transgressions.

I'd called him, knowing he had always been there for me my whole life. "Bella, I mean it, you better tell me what the fuck happened to you," Emmett bellowed.

"Just please, not now. I promise to tell you everything, but not now," I begged, trying to get a grasp on my emotions. My arm was throbbing, and I felt like I'd been gutted. I couldn't think or move without feeling like I was falling completely apart.

"Did he do this to you? I swear to God, I'll kill that motherfucker…"

"It's not what you think. I fell, Emmett, I swear." Though I was angry enough to tell Emmett that James had been the one to hurt my arm, I wasn't that coldhearted. I didn't think he deserved the punishment that Emmett would inflict on him if he thought he'd caused me physical harm. Really, more than not wanting to lie, I didn't want Emmett to get in trouble, either.

Huddled against the door, I pressed my cheek to the window, surprised at how cool it felt against my skin. Emmett continued to ask questions that I continued to ignore until we pulled up in front of the hospital.

"Don't tell anyone, please," I whispered, gazing into his shocked expression.

He shook his head. "Baby B, I love you, but you're crazy if you think I'm letting this go…"

I cut him off, grabbing his chin with my uninjured hand. I flinched at the sliver of pain that ran through me before steeling myself and looking into his eyes. "Em, please. I promise, I'll tell you. Just give me a little time to do it my way. Please."

He nodded once, and added, "I hope you know what you're doing, girl. I'll give you twenty-four hours, Bella. E's gonna have my ass for not telling him in the first place."

I looked at him questioningly. "Somehow, I don't really think it'll affect him that much," I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

It had just been hours before when I saw him…I couldn't even think about Edward standing there, practically naked. And that woman was so beautiful. She looked so happy.

A sad expression passed over Emmett's face before he cleared his throat, thankfully interrupting my thoughts. "It's not what you think, B. I saw him after you ran outta there. He's not with her."

I wondered how bad my face was showing my thoughts if he could guess where my mind was. It had to be pretty awful. Absently, I thought of how Edward had looked these past few weeks, and I felt terrible for being the cause of it.

"I know what I saw," I said, not wanting to get my hopes up.

"I'll call Mom, alright? I'm sure she'll be more than happy to keep Gracie Lou for the night. Take a little time to get your head on straight."

After convincing him that I didn't need him to wait for me, I walked in to the ER and waited for them to take me to the back. I silently thanked God when it was time for X-rays that I hadn't let James talk me into having a second child.

A few hours later I was stepping into a cab with a bright pink cast on my arm. When the driver asked, "Where's home?" I gave him the only address that had really fit that description since I'd become an adult.

The apartment.

When I arrived there, I drew in a deep breath before knocking softly on the door. I didn't know what I would do if she was still there, but I had to trust what Emmett had told me. He'd never lied to me before, and he would want me to be prepared if it were true.

All thoughts escaped me when Edward opened the door. He looked confused at my presence for a moment. He said my name, and I interrupted whatever he was going to say next. I didn't want to have to explain myself or what had happened. Not yet.

I just wanted him.

My life had been a lie for the past four years: my marriage, my promises to move on, and, most of all, my denial of wanting to be with him every second since he walked back through that door. I was sick of the lies. I was tired of fake.

I had hope that I could fix it—that, with one night, things could go back to normal and real. I wanted to relive things that I'd long buried, to feel our past as it was before all of the upheaval. I wanted to experience us as we were meant to be.

I was over-thinking everything and not thinking enough at the same time. Tired of trying to figure it all out with logic, I just needed to feel.

So, I told him what I needed when I brushed my fingertips over his lips. "Tell me you want me."

Even if he hadn't uttered the words, "Of course I want you," I knew it was true. He looked so sincere.

No matter how many times I'd felt his lips and hands on my skin, no matter how many times we had been together in every sense of the word, it was like the first time all over again. The act of him giving himself to me without knowing that I was unattached proved that he wanted me; that he couldn't help butgive in to this.

As he held my body closer to him and touched me the way only he could, I finally felt complete.

When he whispered that I was made to belong to him, I fell apart in his arms and murmured his name against his skin, too low for him to hear.

When he finally pressed in to me, all thought escaped me except that I was home. Finally.

He rested his head on my chest, listening to my heartbeat before eventually succumbing to sleep. I laid there for awhile as I drifted in and out of sleep, feeling his skin against mine, reveling in the way he held me tightly to him.

While he slept in my arms, beautiful and perfect, I thought over my reason for going there, concluding that there was no reason. I had reacted to being lied to and ran to the person that I always trusted and needed desperately. And for these last few hours, the dream of us felt alive again.

But dreams die and reality filtered in, leading me to the dreadful realization that it was selfish of me to be with him, without him knowing that I was free—that I could be his. That I always had been. Being with Edward had been both Heaven and Hell for me. I wanted to tell him the truth, so bad. But I couldn't face it then, because my impulsive reaction had awakened a possibility for us that could never be.

Should I have woken him up and told him the truth right then? Probably. I was just so confused. How could I tell him that I could be his when I knew deep down inside that he couldn't forgive me for making myself someone else's?

No matter that I had thought it was a good idea, in hindsight I realized it really, really wasn't. This time, even the truth couldn't set things right.

Regardless of the fact that my marriage was technically invalid, I still had been the one who agreed to it in the first place. I had fucked everything up, and I knew that in spite of what Edward and I had shared in our past, my intent was still there. I knew he would take the time to process the information and come to the same conclusion I had. Intent.

I could have talked to him and told him how I felt, but I knew Edward well enough to know what he would say: he would tell me that he forgave me and that he wanted to be with me. He'd proven that much to me a scant few hours earlier. But, I also knew him well enough to know that eventually, when he stopped to think about what had happened over the last four years, he wouldn't be able to get past it in the long run.

Rosalie had said, "What's a piece of paper?" But I knew, that whether it was a piece of paper that tied me to someone else, or a piece of paper that proved that it didn't count, he would eventually have to come to terms with the fact that I'd given myself to someone else.

All in all, it counted—to the people that really mattered, especially Edward. And Gracie.

The fact of the matter remained that I'd married James, despite the fact my tattered heart could truly never belong to anyone other than Edward. I'd said the words that bound me to James and accepted the same sentiment from him. Whether my marriage to him was legal or not, the actual details were just semantics.

I was upset and angry at James' deception, and even more upset that I had been so...out of it at the time that I'd never asked questions.

With an ache in my chest that truly hurt, I decided to just leave. I'd dealt him far more heartache than any man should ever have had to bear, and I couldn't do it any longer.

Glancing at the clock, I realized I didn't have much time if I was going to leave before he woke up. It was a sissy move, but I couldn't face him. I wouldn't survive if he told me it had all been a mistake, and I couldn't wait around for him to figure out, in time, that he truly couldn't forgive me. It took everything I had in me to tear myself away from him, but I got up, got dressed, and walked silently out of our apartment.

I waited in the lobby for the cab. As I gave the driver the address, I pulled my phone out of my bag and called Esme, asking her if it was okay for Gracie to stay with her for a few days. I wanted her with me, but I also didn't want her to see me as torn up as I had been (and probably would be as I came to terms with my decision). It wasn't fair to let her see me so upset when her grandparents would make sure she was perfectly taken care of.

She told me it was fine and that she was worried about me. We talked for a few moments, until the cab pulled up in front of the house I shared with James.

Not bothering to go inside, I grabbed my keys and wallet from my bag. I paid the driver and tentatively walked to my car. If James was there, I didn't want him to try to come out and talk to me. I wasn't ready to see him. I probably never would be.

Getting into my car, I shot a quick text to Emmett, explaining that I was okay and asking him to give me a little more time. Then, I pulled out of the driveway and headed to the one place my mistakes hadn't affected.

I went to my Daddy.

When I got to Forks, I called him and let him know I was in town. He met me on the porch, his brow furrowed as he pulled me in for a tight hug.

"Come on, out with it," my dad implored. He was always a straight-shooter. No need to beat around the bush.

"Can't I just want to be with my dad?" I asked, brushing the tears away from my face.

He shook his head. "Nope. And especially not without Gracie in tow. Let's hear it, Bells. And while you're at it, tell me what the hell happened to your arm."

I told him all of it, only leaving out the intimate details from the night before.

"So, you slept with him?"

I nodded, trying to fight back the grimace that came from having this conversation with my father. I didn't want to tell him about that, but I needed advice, and there was no point in keeping out any of the facts from him.

"You don't give Edward enough credit…" He started before being interrupted by a call. He answered in his usual gruff, "Charles Swan," before nodding at me to indicate that he was taking his call out of the room.

He returned a few moments later, grabbing his holstered gun and uniform jacket. "Gotta go in..." He paused. "Work. They need me at work," he concluded.

I got up to hug him. I was surprised that they were calling him on his day off, but I knew he was always willing to go in when he was needed. "I just need some time, Dad. I need to…" I trailed off, not really knowing what I needed.

"You need to figure your shit out, girl. Stay here as long as you want. Want me to pick up Gracie?"

"Pick up Gracie? She's in Seattle, Dad," I said, rolling my eyes. Sometimes I wondered about him.

"Right, right," he said offhandedly, before kissing me on the cheek. "I'll be back later then."

My father was gone most of the night. I heard his car pull into the driveway much later the evening while I was in bed, but I feigned sleep when he knocked on my old bedroom door. The next morning, after a long, hot shower, I got dressed and forced myself to eat something. I decided that sitting around the house wasn't such a great idea, so I grabbed a blanket from the closet in the hallway and got in my car, headed to our meadow.

Taking in my surroundings again, I realized how much I loved being in this place. I'd come here trying to hide from the world—not forever, but for a little while. Just long enough to come to grips with everything that had happened to me in the last six weeks, especially what I'd learned in the last few days. Inhaling deeply, I remembered the last time that I had been here with him.

"Do you really believe what you told Chelsea today?"

"What're you talking about," he asked, reaching across my lap to wrap his hand around my hip. He leaned back and pulled me over him.

"Just—what you said about us. That we're forever," I whispered.

"Bella, what're you talking about? Of course I meant that…"

I pouted and pressed myself closer to him. "What if you meet someone next year in college while we're apart? College is about finding yourself, you know."

"Baby, we won't be that far apart, and I know who I am." He licked his lips before leaning in to kiss me. "I was made to be with you. College is just the way I'll be able to afford it," he laughed.

Sighing, I laid back on the blanket, wondering what was going on in Seattle. The twenty-four hours Emmett promised me had long since passed, and I was sure he'd gone to James for answers. I wondered what he'd told everyone. Had he finally come clean about his lies?

I'd just reached into my pocket for my phone when I heard someone call my name.

"Bella?"

His voice echoed through the meadow—the place that had always been sacred to us.

He'd found me.