Chapter 20: Give Anything, But I Won't Give Up

*BPOV*

"I'm here, Edward," I called out. I started to stand, wondering what he was doing here. As I sat up and took notice of the panicked expression on his face, I felt a little worried.

I knew our daughter was with Esme, yet I still found myself spiraling into anxiety at the prospect that something awful had happened. I didn't see any other reason that he would have come. I lost my footing slightly as I staggered in his direction and then paused, unsure if I should touch him.

"Where's Gracie? Is she…" I questioned, afraid of his answer.

He shook his head once, and then moved toward me. "Bella, no. Calm down. Gracie's fine. I just talked to her a little while ago."

Relieved, I took a deep breath and tried to corral my mounting panic.

If there wasn't a problem with Gracie, that only meant one thing: he'd talked to Emmett, which meant that by now he knew everything. Emmett only promised me a day, and, after leaving him with no explanations, he had to be beyond upset. Edward reached me and wrapped his arms around me loosely—his touch helped to ease some of the tightness in my chest, just like it always had.

"Everything is fine, baby," he murmured as he held me tighter to him. Running his hands up and down my back, he pressed his lips to my head repeatedly. "Thank God I found you—thank God you're alright."

Confusion hit me like a brick wall. He was acting as if I hadn't screwed everything up, yet again. He was acting like he used to.

But, it was too late for us. Wasn't it?

Even if that were true, I was still drawn to his warmth and strong hold. For a moment, I could pretend that all was right in my world, and that reality wouldn't come crashing down on us. In a perfect world he would get over the fact that we had been apart for so long and that I'd willingly married James. I stayed in my fantasy for as long as I could, unwilling to relive losing him all over again.

Right now, in this moment, I was happy. It was surreal, being in this place with him.

Allowing myself a little time to just feel, to just revel in his closeness, I pulled back and looked at his face. At his bruised, scraped up face.

"Edward, what happened," I asked, running my fingertips over the bruise beginning to bloom on his jaw.

He winced and pulled my hand away, but not before kissing my wrist lightly and lacing his fingers with mine.

"I got into a fight," he mumbled, looking thoroughly uncomfortable at his admission. Leading us over to the forgotten blanket, he sat down and helped me sit down beside him. Heat radiated from his body, and I found myself unable to keep from shifting closer to him—he didn't seem to mind. Lifting my arm that was in a cast slightly, he brushed his lips over my fingertips before arranging us until we were lying down and facing each other.

His touches were casual, yet so sweet and sincere. It almost made me want to cry as confusion clouded my thoughts. Greedily, I let him continue, wanting any contact I could get from him. I wondered if it was the same for him, too.

"We're going to talk," he stated seriously, threading his fingers through my good hand. "No more running."

Though I dreaded admitting to him how stupid I had been, I also felt relieved. We'd finally be able to get everything out in the open. The warm sun filtering down around us and the wildflowers blowing gently in the breeze made this feel almost like a dream. Looking around at this place that held so many memories for us, I was struck with the reality that this was the perfect setting for us to talk.

"I'll go first," I whispered. He nodded, allowing me to go ahead. "Edward, I'm so sorry for the horrible mess that I've made of just…everything. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you how I felt the moment you came back. I'm sorry that I mar—"

He traced the pad of his thumb under my eyes to wipe away the tears streaming down my cheeks. His hand came up behind my head, massaging my scalp and easing some of my tension.

"Don't cry." He pulled back and looked at me imploringly. "There's nothing for you to be sorry for, Bella. What you did wasn't wrong. We'll get through this—you know that. Tell me you know we'll be okay," he said, reverently pressing his lips to my eyelids, cheeks, nose...anywhere but my lips.

I shook my head. I didn't know how we'd ever be remotely close to okay. Right now, us getting through this and happy seemed like a pipe dream. I'd made such a gigantic mess of things. Every road I'd taken had led me down the wrong path.

At least I had Gracie. She was the only thing I'd done right in the past four years. All the very best parts of Edward and me were alive and beautiful in her.

He sighed, probably reading the despair in my eyes when I couldn't answer him. Pushing himself up on his elbows, he tugged me until we were on our knees and sitting face to face. He grabbed my hands, placing the one in a cast to rest on his shoulder.

"Bella, I don't see any way around this but to tell you one thing. I love you. I've loved you my whole life, and I can't imagine being without you. I honestly don't know how you've made it through these last four years. But, what I really don't understand is how you could think so little of me, so little of us, that you'd think that one thing—that anything—could ever come between us? How could you doubt me like that?"

"I didn't…I don't." I shook my head, words of explanation escaping me.

Maybe it was pure jealousy talking, but I knew he couldn't get over the fact that I had married James. Because I knew that Iwould never be able to accept him with another woman.

He swept his fingertips along my bottom lip and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, and then stared into my eyes. "You act like I don't know you. But I do. I've always known you. Everything you think is in your eyes—I just wasn't looking until now."

The words he was saying were impossible—truly my dream come true. My heart hurt with wanting them to be real, but his reactions over the last few months had been so out of character for him that I was almost afraid to believe them. This was myEdward, the one I'd always known and loved. I started to interrupt, but he stopped me by running the palm of his hand down my neck, across my shoulder, and down my arm.

"You think I'm mad at you for trying to have a life...for trying to make our daughter happy. But I'm not, baby. I couldn't be. I can't say what I would do in your situation, but I hope you know that I would have wanted you to be happy, no matter what that meant. If I had actually…" He paused and looked down, unable to complete his sentence.

I drew in a shaky breath at that. I'd thought, for so very long, that I had truly lost him. Thinking about that now-when he was here beside me, hurt almost as much as it did back then. He looked at me and brought his hand up to my face. I noticed that his breaths were shaky, too.

"I just want you to be happy. Let me make you happy." He squeezed my hand and brought it back to his lips.

"I...I want that, too. I'm sorry—" I held up my bad arm when he tried to stop me "—no, let me finish. I'm sorry that I've made such a mess of things, I'm sorry for not talking to you and for not telling you what I felt. I've been a mess these past few weeks, and, while I know that doesn't excuse it, it's the truth. I can't even begin to describe the confusion that's been a constant voice in my head."

I paused, thinking over what I wanted to say so I did it right this time.

"When I realized how stupid I was acting, I came to tell you. And when that woman answered your door, I thought I was too late. That you'd finally gotten sick of my constant back and forth. I should've talked to you, but seeing her there hurt. All I could think about was what I'd done to you time and time again, and how wrong I acted. And then I found out what...he did, and I just wasn't thinking straight. I should have told you, but, again, I kept my mouth shut and just took what you were willing to give. And I'm sorry, because that wasn't right of me. Neither was leaving before we could talk."

"Since I've come home, all I could think of was you and Gracie. You two belong with me, Bella. I was so angry—at everyone—and it was just impossible to muddle through the way I was feeling. I'm sorry for the way I treated you, and I'm sorry for what happened. And yeah, I could let the choices that you made, before and especially after I came back, ruin everything. But I refuse to do that."

I scooted closer to him, finally able to feel as if I had the right. I didn't know what I'd done recently to deserve his understanding and forgiveness, but I wasn't willing to risk throwing it away before letting him speak. I was listening this time; not just to myself, but to him.

Hope bubbled up inside my chest, effervescent and wonderful and so, so freeing.

"I hate that you didn't trust me enough to believe that we could get through it all. But when it's all said and done, I have to think about what I want—what we both want. It's always been you, and I want us to be together—period. Everything that we've been through has been worth it. It brought us here, to right now." His eyes flashed up to mine as a determined expression crossed his face. "And if I have to spend the rest of our lives proving to you that you were made for me, that nothing you could ever do could change the way I feel about you, then so be it."

He sat back down and pulled me over him, finally, finally pressing his lips to mine. It was warm and sweet and everything I remembered about being with him. It wasn't like the night before, which though amazing, was desperate—a goodbye through actions and not words.

This kiss was a promise for a new future.

His hands went into my hair, lips moving against mine in dizzying pulls and presses. I clutched at his shirt, desperate to have him closer. There was no way he'd ever be close enough. He started unbuttoning my shirt and groaned as I opened my mouth, darting my tongue out to touch his. I knew that we still had things to talk about, that we still had issues to overcome. But, as he pressed me closer to him and allowed me to feel all of him beneath me, I knew with one hundred percent certainty that we would have time to hash the rest out later. God willing, we'd have years and years.

I leaned up a bit to help him finish getting my shirt off and he sat up with me, seeming to need the contact as much as I did. His lips traveled from my mouth over my jaw and to my neck, sucking and nipping a path along my skin.

With deft movements he unfastened my bra; with less than graceful movements, I tried to remove his shirt so we could be skin to skin. Damn cast. All I wanted was to feel him against me, to feel his skin touching mine. More. His hands gripped my hips and started guiding me over him, back and forth, slowly and methodically.

"Fuck, baby. I want you," he mumbled against my neck as he rolled us over, hovering above me. He leaned up on his forearm and looked down at me, hands skimming over my stomach and between my breasts.

Heavy breaths and sun warmed skin that I'd never forgotten the smell of cocooned me, spurring me on and giving me the final push to show him that I wanted him, too. The way he looked at me made me feel beautiful. He looked at me like he really, truly loved me; like he had the faith I was lacking in myself as of late.

I reached up with my good arm and threaded my hands into his hair, pulling him down to me and kissing him hard. He slowed the frenzied pace I was trying to set. Soft kisses peppered my face, my cheek, behind my ear and then down over my throat.

My back arched almost involuntarily as he skimmed his nose down my chest to my breast, along my nipple, before taking it in his mouth. My loud moans seemed to spur him on as he continued to grind roughly against me.

"I love you, Bella. Always have," he murmured against me as his fingers went to the buttons on my jeans.

"Love you too, so much," I whispered as he slid his hand inside my panties, moving his fingers against me.

Throwing my head back, I circled my hips in sync with his movements, able to let go after the admissions and concessions we'd both made today. Pleasure radiated through my body, connected to every inch of his skin that touched mine. He always knew how to touch me. I was so close, and my God, I wanted it. But, I wanted it to be with him.

"Wait," I said, almost begging him for more. "I…not without you. Please, Edward, I want you so much."

The growl that emanated from his chest vibrated against my knees as he sat back and began pulling my panties and jeans down my legs. He brought his mouth back up to me again as his tongue stroked languidly against mine.

His thumb came in contact with my clit, and I arched against him, incapable of containing the loud, keening whimpers that I was making. Weak and unable to wait any longer, I reached out, feeling for the buckle of his belt and pulling on it. I was already on the cusp of my orgasm and could barely make the attempt to unbutton his jeans.

He leaned up to remove his pants and our eyes locked. He smiled at me and leaned down to kiss me. "I can't keep my hands off of you," he groaned into my skin.

I understood perfectly. I couldn't stop touching him, either.

Slowly, he pressed in to me, and I was filled with an overwhelming sense of completeness. Finally. Tears escaped my eyes as he laced one hand with mine. He held my hip with his other hand, tracing small circles on my skin as he continued his agonizingly slow pace.

"Can you feel it?" he whispered in my ear before sucking my earlobe into his mouth.

"Yes," I panted. I tried to hold him closer to me with my arm that was in a cast, but it wasn't enough. Letting go of his hand, I wrapped both of my arms tightly around him.

He was moving so slowly but with such purpose, mouth hovering over mine, breaths deep and teeth gently biting down on my bottom lip. As if we were on the same wavelength finally, our bodies synchronized together into a faster, cohesive rhythm. We moved together perfectly, like we were made to be this way…so good, so right.

He groaned, rocking his hips into me, grinding and pushing as he wrapped his arm around me, lifting me slightly—he was so deep. He moved his hand between us, and I gasped for air as he rubbed his thumb, then his fingers, against me. Just as my muscles started to clench around him, he thrust into me erratically, his strong body shaking as he groaned out my name. I pressed my lips to his sweaty neck, exhilarated at the feeling of his racing pulse and his whispered moans as he continued to rock his hips into me.

As our heartbeats slowed and time seemed to stand still, we laid on the blanket in the middle of our meadow, wrapped in each other. Other talks could wait; right then I was blissfully and utterly content.

x-x-x-x-x

The cool evening breeze danced across my skin, seeming to follow the trail that Edward's fingertips took as he stroked along my spine. "It's alright. Everything will be fine now," he murmured, moving my hair over my shoulder and ghosting his lips along my neck. "I'm sorry, too, you know? I should have told you that I wanted you the minute I saw you. You never should have doubted that. Not for one second."

I leaned my head against his shoulder and just let myself breathe it all in: his scent, the smell of the flowers around us. Everything. This moment felt magical.

A few minutes of silence passed before either of us spoke again. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you the truth last night, before… I should've told you."

Edward nodded. "Yeah, you should have. But I think I understand why you didn't. I want you to know, that I know about everything now."

My heart just about stopped and my muscles tensed as I froze in place. He knew—from his earlier words, I'd figured that much, though I couldn't help but wonder how he found out.

"No, Bella," he cut off my panic swiftly with a squeeze and a well placed kiss to my neck. "I should never have allowed you to doubt the way that I've always felt about you. If I would have just told you that I wanted you—and that we needed to do whatever we had to do to fix it…" He stopped, shaking his head and murmuring, "so much wasted time." He leaned back and brought his hands to my face. "If I would have told you what I wanted instead of acting like a tyrant to you, things would have been much different, much sooner."

Again, I cursed not talking to him sooner, to listening to my own convoluted logic. I glanced back over my shoulder at him, noticing that his bruise had begun to darken further. Leaning up slightly, I ran my hand down the plane of his chest and over his damp skin. "You know, you never told me what happened," I whispered.

I traced the scrapes around his cheekbones, and then leaned down to try and kiss them better.

"Isn't it obvious, Bella?" He laughed and pulled me closer to him to kiss my lips. Taking a deep breath, he said, "When I woke up and realized that you were gone, I went looking for you. Long story short, there was a fight, there were cops, there was jail, and then your dad…"

"My dad?" I gasped, surprised by the fact that Charlie had gotten involved.

He nodded and rolled his eyes at me. "Yeah. It was because of him that I got the whole story from James," he said seriously.

"The whole story?" The thought of James and what he had done made my stomach churn with a white hot anger. "What more is there to it, besides he lied to me? He deceived me for years and I never want to see that bastard again."

Edward pulled the blanket over us, wrapping us in a little cocoon. "I'm not saying that what he did wasn't wrong. It was. But I also can't say that I wouldn't have done the exact same thing if I were in his shoes."

"What?" I started to sit up. Surely Edward wasn't defending James. Surely not.

His arms tightened around me and he looked in my eyes for a moment. "No, baby. Just listen for a minute, okay? He didn't know all along—he only found out a few months ago. And by then he was too afraid to lose you, to lose Gracie."

I pushed on his chest, forcing him to release his grasp on me. "What the hell, Edward? Suddenly you're all team James now?" I stared at him for a moment, trying to understand why he would defend him. I began to search for my clothes. I wasn't planning to leave—I was done acting like a child and running every time I was overwhelmed, but this was a conversation that required clothing.

"No," he said, his voice strong. "Sit still and stop jumping to conclusions. That's one of the things we need to work on, by the way. I'm on your side, Baby. You know that. And I'm on Gracie's side. And that's why I think you should think about it before you cut him out of your lives for good." He looked at me, his eyes begging as he wound his arms around me. "It'll hurt her. She loves him."

Though I was so happy to have it back now, I closed my eyes to break the connection. I couldn't believe that he was actually asking me not to sever all ties with James. He must have felt strongly about it if he was asking that of me, knowing how hard it would be—for both of us.

I took a deep breath, knowing that his words about one of our problems being jumping to conclusions to be the absolute truth. No more—I wasn't going to let miscommunication stand in our way ever again. I whispered, "I know."

He pulled his jeans on and pulled me toward him, wrapping his arms around me. His voice cracked with emotion. "I meant what I said when I told him I was grateful for him taking care of both of you when I couldn't."

I needed time. Time to process all that had happened. Time to heal. No more making rash decisions.

"I can't make any promises," I said as I tightened my arms around him, "but, I'll think about it."

"That's all I'm asking," he said as he pressed his lips to my forehead. He pulled back and grabbed my hand before leaning down to pick up his shirt and the blanket. "Now let's go home. Our daughter misses you."