Still not beta.
This one has got feels.
A bit sexual, nothing too graphic

"Loki get out!" Fury had been saying that more and more lately. No matter how much he increased security, Loki found his way back into SHIELD headquarters.

And he would show up in the oddest places. He was caught writing lewd phrases on the bathroom wall. He spiked the coffee with Red Bull, poor Coulson almost died again from heart palpitations from the mixture of two highly caffeinated drinks. And just yesterday he popped up in the weapons vault playing with the guns. He proved more of a danger to himself than anyone else when he shot himself in the face with a laser.

"I am here with reason this time Angry Mortal." Loki explained as he sat in a chair in front of Fury. "Not just to get on your nerves."

Fury plopped down into his chair. "Tell me what you want so I can tell you no and you can get out!"

"I don't like what you are doing to Little Mortal."

Loki had been bothering SHIELD agents for so long that his nicknames for people have started to spread. From Metal Mortal, to Little Mortal, to Mortal Spider and even Coulson was nicknamed Not So Mortal, people actually started referring to them by these names. The only one he hadn't nicknamed was Bruce. Loki tried to stay clear of that guy.

"I haven't done anything to Darcy."

"Yes, you have. More than you know. You have put her in a position where she must choose between good and evil and though she usually picks good, I fear she will one day make a mistake."

"And how have I done that?"

"You have instructed her to tell you of my dealings with other villains have you not?" Loki has known since his fight party that Darcy was trying to play both sides. He respected her attempts to keep everyone happy while doing the right thing. He was good at dancing on the line of white and black. The problem was eventually that line greyed.

Fury didn't even think to lie. It was growing harder to look at Loki as a threat, despite knowing that he could kill anyone he wanted to. "I have."

"Well this has caused her to either betray her friends or betray me and she is running out of ways to do so without hurting someone. It is causing sleepless nights and she has already lost five pounds."

It surprised Fury that Loki would care so much for a mortal. So much so that he noticed she lost five pounds which wouldn't be a noticeable weight loss. Unless you were looking hard enough of course. "What would you have me do?"

"Well if I keep her in my employment, she will be forced to betray me. But if I fire her, she will be without income. So, I propose that she stays on as my… keeper but you take over her salary."

"And what is her salary?"

"Thirty five an hour. Plus health benefits and 401K." Alright so, Loki is lying. He was paying her 25 and her health benefits went as far as him using his healing magic to take her cramps away and healing a paper she got last week. He didn't even understand what 401K was but Doom and King Pin made up some false documents to prove he was putting money in an account for her.

Fury looked over Loki carefully weighing his options. Loki had proved an asset both with the Silver Surfer and at other times when he seemed to have information about upcoming attacks. Keeping Loki close would prove beneficial but then, how long would Loki stay helpful? He supposed though, having a completely loyal Darcy would help in finding his intentions. "Alright Loki. But you must report here every day to Coulson and she must start keeping record of what you guys do during the day that pertains to your transformation. And Thor has to sign it every day."

Loki groaned. "Why Thor?"

"Natasha will lie for Darcy, Barton will lie for Natasha, Tony will lie because he can, Pepper will lie for Tony and Bruce will get angry dealing with you every day."

The things he must do for his little mortal. "Deal."

"Good. Now get out!"

Loki teleported back to Avenger Towers. He checked on his liar before going back to his room. Darcy had requested the day off and Loki found that he was actually lonely and a little bored. He was about to go find Thor when he noticed a purse by his bed. Darcy had must have left it the last time she was over.

Curious to see what she had he took the bag to the kitchen, made a sandwich and emptied the contents onto the table. It wasn't long before the men of the Avengers walked in, fresh from whatever heroes did when there were no villains attacking New York.

"Brother what are you doing?" Thor asked as they took seats around the table. "Whose bag is that?"

"Looking through Little Mortal's things." Loki confessed. "She left her purse here."

Tony tsked. "Potter, women don't like it when people go through their things."

Bruce nodded. "It would make them angry."

Loki laughed manically. "Yes, I know." Loki searched through her things, smelling her lotions and opening her makeup kit. Finally he settled on a small square packet that seemed to have something round in it. "What is this?" He asked looking at it suspiciously.

Steve took it from Loki's hand. "I don't know." He had not seen it before either.

Tony looked at Bruce, who looked away so Tony looked to Thor who had a worried expression on his face. He waited for Thor to answer him since it was his little brother, but after a moment of Thor's silence he answered. "Well Loki, that is a condom."

Loki took it back from Steve. "What is a condom? Oh wait it says it on the back." He quietly reads it before his eyes widen in horror. "This is barbaric! This can't be pleasurable for anyone! Why would someone put a barrier between themselves and feminine goodness?"

The men passed looks around the table trying to find the best way to explain it. It was Barton who offered an explanation with a small smile on his face. "It prevents pregnancy."

"Pregancy?! Are you serious!" Loki looked outraged. "Have males of this realm no control over this?" Asgardian males choose when and if to release semen. So did Jotun men apparently.

"Well, it's not just pregnancy that must be prevented." Thor explained further. "But this realm has many illness that you can contract…"

"Wait, wait, wait a minute Thor. Wait." Loki face palmed trying to get an understanding of what was being said to him. Are you telling me that you must use this contraption in order to lay with Jane?" Loki's emerald eyes sparkled at Thor's red cheeks. "The mighty Thor must wear a condom!" Loki laughed a genuine laugh. A laugh Thor had not heard in years. "Must you all wear this?"

Barton nodded. "Nat makes me wear one."

"Pepper and I don't." Tony said, smug smile on his face. "She's on the pill."

"What pill?" Loki asked. "What does the pill do?"

"Birth control pills." Bruce answered. "Many couples who are monogamous only use the pill."

Loki tore open the package to look at it causing another bout of laughter. "It's so small! What would this cover?"

Bruce was laughing now as he answered. "Um, she was seeing someone. Ian, I think his name was."

"Poor girl!" Loki exclaimed. "No wonder she eats so much sausage!"

Tony cackled at Loki's amused face. "Loki stop, please stop."

"There must be a better use for this thing!" Taking a deep breath, Loki started blowing air into it. As it expanded Steve took on a mortified face as Thor looked away from his brother's antics.

Thor couldn't help but remember when Loki became of age sexually. Explaining things seemed easier then, perhaps because they were younger and less self-conscious. Now, explaining Midgardian ways of love and confessing that he had to adhere to them made him feel embarrassed.

Bruce covered his eyes and Tony slapped the table with his hands as he shook with laughter.

Loki tied the opening. "Here we are. Surely a balloon must provide better entertainment for Darcy then Ian did." Loki started swinging the air filled condom around as Barton gasped for breath between cackles.

"I have been with women from realms all over the universe and never have I seen such a ridiculous contraption! I've never been with a mortal though. My poor Little Mortal stuck with such meager men."

Loki let his magic take over, making the air filled condom dance around the room until slowly an idea came to his mind. An idea so arousing that his magic popped the make shift balloon making it fly around the room uncontrollably until it landed on Steve's face.

This caused another round of laughter but Thor watched as a look came over his brother's face. Thor saw that look before. The look of a Loki idea. An idea that would sure to be ludicrous, ridiculous and given the circumstances sexual.

Thor had heard tales of his brother's conquests. True, Thor had a quantity of lovers but Loki seemed to favor being with the same lover for a time. Loki had been very private about his dealing with women but he once overheard a servant speaking about Loki's virility. The words had brought a smile to his face then.

But things were different now. They were no longer little boys but grown men. And Loki was of a realm not of his own. "Brother…"

"I should sleep with Darcy!" Loki shouted as if he had just figured out the meaning of life. It was out of character for him to be so open about his amorous pursuits but he just could help but shout it out.

"Wait, what?" Bruce asked as the laughter stopped. "What?"

"I've never been with a mortal, she has been cursed with men with finger sized appendages. It's only logical that we sleep together."

"Actually," Steve said finding his voice and removing the deflated condom from his face. "That isn't logical at all."

"I shall need to woo her!" Loki ignored Steve, as often he did. "I shall have to work to earn her heart."

"Heart!" Tony squealed almost girlishly. "I thought you were talking about just having sex with her."

"I would not treat a lady like Darcy so poorly." Loki scoffed. "She's not a tramp like Jane."

"Hey!" Thor screamed. "Jane is no tramp."

"Oh please. You knew her three days and you had her knickers! She can't have fallen in love with you after three days. And you left for a year so really all that's left is lust." Loki quickly scooped the other contents on the table back into her bag. "Yes, I will pursue Darcy! She likes food. I will buy her Chinese food of the best kind and win her heart!"

Loki teleported as quickly as he could to get her food. It had been a long time since he even considered taking a partner. Having no real roots, Loki often drifted from realm to realm looking for fun. But now Midgard was his home and it only made sense that he take up with someone who seemed genuinely interested in him.

She knew how he liked his coffee and what to say to make him laugh. Truth be told she was beautiful to Loki though he knew she herself did not feel beautiful. She often made comments about how beautiful Pepper was, or how sexy Widow was. She often made references to how smart Jane was and how appropriate it was that she be with a prince.

He understood exactly how it felt, being around people that were the definition of beautiful and realizing that you fall short. But what he couldn't understand was why he felt she wasn't the definition of beautiful. She talked about being fat, which Loki couldn't figure out why that was a bad thing. He had heard the other women talking about dieting and such to lose weight. Perhaps Midgardian men liked small women and he, being of a Frost Giant nature, found bigger women more appealing.

And why wasn't she smart? She often found ways to trick him and found clever ways to stop his less than reputable dealings without being judgmental. Why couldn't she see that she had a lot to offer? She was just as worthy of a prince as Jane was.

That thought stopped him. She was in deed worthy of prince but not a fallen one. Maybe he hadn't thought this through. Sure as a friend Loki found himself appealing. He liked to have a good time and enjoyed entertaining. But as a partner, what would he have to offer Darcy?

But then, maybe Darcy saw in him what he saw in her. Maybe she would find a kindred spirit in him, someone who understood what is was to feel less than. Maybe she would like his attentions and compliments.

He bought her food and then teleported to her place. He would see if she took to his flirtations. If not, he would write it off as a trick or a joke. But if she responded positively to his attentions then he would pursue her.

He knocked on the door and waited for her to answer.

"Who is it?" She answered from behind the door.

"Loki!" He answered trying not to be nervous but preparing for rejection.

One moment the door was closed and he was standing in the hallway of her apartment building. The next moment the door was open and he thrown onto the nearest table in her home with her on top of him passionately kissing.

It took him a moment to even realize that he was being kissed but when he realized he was, he kissed back just as passionately. Her hands were everywhere, places that maybe they should be straying so soon, but he couldn't even care. He wrapped his hands in her long dark hair and enjoyed the feelings of desired.

When she pulled back he was breathless. Chinese food was scattered on the floor and he was at a loss for words. This was not at all what he though was going to happen tonight.

Darcy looked down into those deep green eyes, confusion knitting his eyebrows together. She could feel his firm chest rising and falling in his labored breathing. He smelled like snow, his skin cool but comforting. He was trembling slightly as her hands cupped his face.

She smiled down at him and said only one word. "401K." Before she claimed his lips again.

I originally had some romantic stuff happening, but I then I thought it clashed with the story's flow. Besides, I liked the idea of Loki trying to find a way to woo Darcy not realizing he already did in the beginning of the chapter.

Thanks for the reviews!