Soooo I got very mixed thoughts about how Ashley and Spencer acted. Honestly, what I wanted to do was just show that both of them had no idea how to handle it. I personally thought it could go both ways. They both kind of messed up. I can say from personal experience that when something like this happens, you have no idea what to do, say, or how to act. So whatever comes out just comes out. And sometimes it's just not good. For me, at least. Anyway, don't hate on Ashley too bad lol. But hey, to each their own.
Anyway, I hope you like this one =)
Thank you everyone for reading and reviewing!
Much love.

Ashley's POV

Spencer is not in school today. I do not know what that means. Is Paula holding her hostage? Is Paula planning to send her away to some camp where they make you wear beige and dig holes? I wouldn't put it past that fucking devil-woman. But the worst thing about this, this whole shit-show, is that I have no idea. I don't know what's going on.

I have not called Spencer. I should have. She has not called me. She should have.

It's both of our faults. I know that.

Right after I left her house I felt sick to my stomach. Totally sick to my stomach as I replayed our whole fight on her front lawn. Was I acting out of anger? Yes. Was I acting out of nervousness, nervousness of losing her? Yes. Was I acting like a fool?

Yes.

I know I should call her but I don't know if it's that I can't bring myself to do it. Or that I'm scared to do it. Scared to see what's really going on. Scared that I have no clue how to fix this.

Oh, how badly I want to.

I skip my class before lunch and go out to the back of the school. In my hand is a cigarette. I haven't smoked in years. It was never something that I did consistently. One here or there. A couple when I would be drunk. Everyone smokes when they're drunk. It's like a free pass or something.

I light the stick with a small, black Bic lighter, watching the flame appear and disappear in a matter of seconds. That's all it takes. The smoke spirals out of the tip as I take a drag, coughing lightly because my lungs are not used to this. I am envious of that smoke. It goes upwards towards the sky in a steady stream, then it kind of spirals out of control before disappearing. I am kind of like that smoke.

Honestly, I just needed something in my hand. Something to do with my fingers. And the safest thing seemed to be this cigarette that I bummed off of some freshman in gym class.

I lean my head against the brick building and close my eyes. The shadow feels good from being in the sun. It's cool. This nicotine doesn't even feel that good. It doesn't even taste that good. Right now, all I want to taste is Spencer and her citrus-y smelling skin. This cigarette has nothing on that girl.

She never liked it whenever I smoked, even if it was on a rare occasion.

"Ashley, why do you even bother with that?" Spencer asked me as we walked to my car after a day at the beach.

This was early in our friendship. When I was trying to figure out why I liked hanging out with this new girl so much. I usually didn't bother with new people. They were annoying. They got lost. They needed help. I had no time for that.

"I don't know." I said as I threw my towel into my bag. "It's something to do."

Spencer smirked. "There are better things to do than smoke, you know."

Her eyes were very blue. I even thought she was wearing those color contacts when I first saw her. And her hair was very bright. It was blonde, but she definitely did not fit that blonde stereotype. She was pretty. She wasn't like girls I fucked around with at Slant or other places. Those girls were hot and fuckable and leaveable. Spencer was gorgeous in a shy way, she was cute, and she was adorable when her eyebrows scrunched together in thought. I didn't get why I kept hanging out with her all those years ago. Something about her drew me to her.

Maybe it was her smile. Her smile was in no way leaveable.

Or maybe it was how she giggled at my stupid jokes. Jokes other girls would give me a weird look for and call me a loser.

"Smoking is cool and you know it, Spencer Carlin." I told her seriously.

She shrugged. "I don't think so."

I looked at her standing on the hot black pavement with her polka-dot bathing suit on. Her boy shorts made her butt look cute and squeezable, I noticed. Of course I noticed.

"Is it this hot all the time?" She said as she squinted and tilted her head up towards the sky. She put a hand over her eyes, shielding them from the bright sun.

I just looked at her and smiled. I didn't smirk, I didn't grin. I just plain smiled. Then I took the cigarette dangling from my fingers and dropped it on the ground, crushing it with the toe of my sandal.

Perhaps subconsciously, at the time, I thought that if I was smoking, maybe this girl would never kiss me. Or maybe she wouldn't like the way I smelled. Subconsciously, I wanted to make sure I smelt good and tasted good if ever a time came when I would need to. But at that very moment, I just put it out because it bothered her a little. I didn't want it to bother her anymore.

Spencer looked back at me and grinned widely. "I'm gunna have you so whipped, Davies." She said evenly. It was a bold statement coming from the shy girl I had just met not too long ago. I inwardly scoffed at her. Thinking: yeah? And what makes you so different?

But all I did was smirk. "Yeah, we'll see." I said.

My cigarette is just hanging in my hand and I haven't even noticed it's done now. I flick it with two fingers far away from me, scolding myself for even smoking it. What did it do? Did it make me feel better? No. I forced myself to stop thinking about things like that memory. Because it was making my insides constrict painfully and my eyes burn. I didn't like it. Not at all.

Part of me thought I should just go to Spencer's house, knock on her door, tell her I love her, and kiss her lips. Say that I don't give a shit about Paula or anything. Anything but her. The other part of me thought that that was a bad idea. It would just make Paula more mad at me, make Spencer angrier about the situation with her mother. I didn't want to make it any harder than it already is. Maybe I should just…go away. This is something between Spencer and Paula. This is something Spencer would have to do. And I know she can, I knew she would eventually find the words.

Thinking these things was just making me angrier and angrier. So I decided to just think nothing.

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When I walk over to the picnic table at lunch, no one says anything. Robin glances at Kyla, Aiden glances at Chelsea, Court glances at Aiden. Silence. It figures. I told Kyla everything when I came home yesterday afternoon. I had to. She has never seen me cry before. So I'm sure Kyla told everyone.

I sit down quietly and meet no one's eyes.

"It's not a fucking funeral, you don't have to act like mourners." I finally say, having to break this ungodly cricket-worthy silence.

"Ash, are you okay?" Aiden says softly. He touches my arm in a comforting gesture but I pull away.

"I'm fantastic. I would tell you all what happened but I'm sure Kyla already took care of that." I spit out. It was too mean. Too caustic. They didn't do anything, but I couldn't help it.

Kyla actually looks regretful when I meet her eyes. They're sad and she speaks quietly, but evenly. Not in a mocking way. "I'm sorry. I actually only told Aiden and Robin." She pauses and frowns at me. "Sorry."

"I told Court." Aiden says, looking at Court. I see him take Court's hand under the table, to be in secret. And I am instantly reminded of the way I took Spencer's hand when Aiden and Court were fighting. I know what it means. It means that they're happy to have each other right now. Because unlike the way I don't have Spencer right now, they do have each other. And I hate that. I absolutely loathe being on the other side of that equation.

I look at Chelsea. She's the only one who knows, but not from me or Kyla. Her brow is furrowed when she meets my eyes. I am willing her to say what I have already assumed.

Process of elimination.

"Spencer told me." She says finally. "I had to go to her house last night to borrow a text book and well, you know. She told me what happened.'

"Oh." Is all I say. "Where is she?" I ask in a voice that sounds detached from my body.

Chelsea looks at me and I see her holding back her shocked expression.

"You, you didn't talk to her?" She asks, trying to keep her voice even.

I shake my head no. No, I didn't talk to her. I thought she was going to call me after she told me to leave her house. Just go home, Ash. But she never did. The phone never rang. And all I could think the whole night was if I should be calling her. And then I thought maybe I should just go back, like I did when we fought about Robin. But this was so much bigger and more complicated than fighting over some stupid girl. Jealousy would have been a fucking tea party compared to this ordeal.

I guess me shaking my head and my lack of words is the cue to stop everyone from talking about it. They all start talking about something else. I don't know what it is. I don't care what it is. I rest my elbows on the table and put my head down. The sun is making me hot. And uncomfortable.

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The whole rest of the day Spencer doesn't come in and I go from class to class. To class to parking lot. To parking lot to- Kyla.

"Ashley." She says my name as I am close to my car. I turn around sluggishly.

"Ky, don't you have dance." I ask.

"Yeah, yeah. I just wanted to catch you first." She says hurriedly.

"What." I ask boredly. I just want to go home.

"Look." She starts, putting her hands on her hips. Something that tells me what she's going to say is pretty serious. "I know you're upset but-"

I cut her off. "I don't wanna talk."

"You need to fix this Ashley. Stop being selfish." She says to me, ignoring my plea.

I immediately feel something in me flare. "This is none of your business Kyla."

She sighs, ignoring my words. "Seriously, it's dumb, fix-"

I cut her off again, but more hostile this time. "Why do I have to?!" I yell probably more loudly than was needed. "Why me? I said I wanted to fix it, but she told me to go home!" I say loudly, bringing my voice down a notch. But that doesn't stop my chest from pounding with hurt and anger.

"Alright, okay." Kyla puts her hands up, trying to calm me.

And for the first time I see actual fear in my sister's eyes. We've always fought. But it's always been between us and a big semi-joke. This is not a joke and it's not cute little banter. Her eyes are showing me she's scared of me. And that makes my head spin. Because what if Spencer felt the same way? I feel that sickness in my stomach coming back.

"You're right, but you also told me you said it was too hard." Kyla continues. "Well, I can only imagine how hard it is, I'm not saying I know. But you have to try."

"I don't know what to do. I don't want to mess up anymore." I admit weakly. "Look, just, go to practice. Let me go home."

And with that, I turn my back and get into the car, leaving Kyla standing in the parking lot with an expression on her face that I can't read.

I am so angry and infuriated at everything that I drive home like an ass. It is a miracle that I didn't get into a car accident. All I do when I get home is lay down in my bed and try to go to sleep. Part of me knows I want to cry. But no tears come out. They won't fall. They're resisting. And I've never wanted them to fall more.

I should call her. Maybe I should call her.

I call her.

The phone rings four times and then she answers. Spencer pauses a second before saying "Hey." I know she knows it's me. She has caller ID.

"Why weren't you in school." I say quickly. It is the first thing that comes out of my mouth. That was so stupid I think.

"I, I just wasn't. Look, I can't talk right now." Spencer says quietly.

"What? Why?" I ask, my tone rougher than I want it to be.

"Because, my mother-" she starts but I cut her off immediately at the mere mention of Paula.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" My voice says. I don't even realize how it must sound on the other end of the phone. I try to calm down. "I, I haven't talked to you in a day Spencer. I'm so sorry, I need y-"

But now Spencer cuts my rambling off. "Ashley, stop it." She hisses at me and I can feel my heart rate pick up speed. And not in a good way. "I'll talk to you tomorrow at school, alright?"

"What, no, just talk to me now, please." I try to say strongly but it comes out sounding like I am begging. Maybe I am.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow at school. I promise."

"I don't want you to promise!" I hiss out.

There is a pause. "Then what the hell do you want?!" She says roughly.

"I fucking want you to want to talk to me!" I yell.

This is not turning out how I wanted it to. Nothing is getting accomplished, I don't even know what we're fighting about anymore.

"I have to go. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight Ashley." Spencer says quietly, almost like she's scared of talking to me for any longer.

"Fine." I spit and hang up.

I look at my phone, the words flashing Call Ended, Call Ended, Call Ended. I throw my cell phone hard against my door.

I hear the screen crack.