01shane01: I am honored that my writing can make you feel better :) I'm ready to fight with the world pretty much everyday and writing this story calms me down. As does yours, and everyone's reviews.

Um. I love all of you. For real. Can we hang out?

Spencer's POV

I am lying in my bed and I feel numb. I can imagine that this is what being on drugs might be like. I wish I were on drugs. I can imagine how heroine feels flowing into your system after the coldness of the needle pierces your skin. Or how cocaine rushes up your nose through a dollar bill.

But I'm completely sober. And completely numb.

I look up at my ceiling. What am I doing? I think. I am hoping that my ceiling is going to give me the answers. It is going to tell me a magic spell to use on my mother. Or maybe to use on myself. Please ceiling, fix this for me. I have no more options.

I have not been with Ashley for almost a week. That might not seem like a long time, but it feels like it is the longest we have ever gone without being since we've known each other. It feels like forever, a never-ending forever. And I hate it.

What am I doing? I think again.

It has come abundantly clear that Ashley is the only person I care about. I thought I cared what my mother thought. I really did. But I was wrong. So very, very wrong. Now, I could care less about what she does to me because being like this, without the second half of my heart, is like torture. I'll be walking along, and suddenly I just can't breath. Out of nowhere.

What am I doing?

I reach over to my nightstand to get my water bottle, and when I do I knock a notebook to the ground. I don't think about it until I see a folded index card slip out and onto my floor. I stare at it for a second before I gingerly pick it up with shaking hands and read it.

Spencer,

I can't concentrate in this class. And it's all your fault. I'm trying to write down these notes but images of your head keep popping up in my mind. You and your soft, kissable red lips and gorgeous baby blue eyes that sparkle in the sun. All the time. Sometimes they're a darker blue, like when I touch you a certain way or when you're really turned on. But they're my favorite color when you look at me and smile. You look at me like I'm everything to you. And you're everything to me. You're better than being mean to Kyla, better than sex. But you and sex combined are also really nice. So stop invading my mind. Because you are all I ever think about, and I kind of hope I'm all you think about, too. I love you, Spencer. Probably more than I'll ever love anyone, or anything for the rest of my life.

Ashley

Tears are dripping down onto my bed as I finish reading. Ashley gave me that note a while ago, and I'd read it before. But right now, right this instance, it has never meant more to me.

What am I doing?

My heart starts to pound fast and hard in my chest. I need to go change this right now. This is stupid. This whole thing is stupid. It's dumb. It's unintelligent. It makes no sense.

Just as I am getting up and out of my bed, my phone rings. I don't have time for whoever that is. I've already wasted enough time.

My phone rings again and I look and see that it is Kyla and it was Kyla before as well. I pick it up as I pull on my shoes.

"What Kyla." I say into the phone.

"Spencer?" Kyla asks.

"Yes! What do you want?" I say roughly into the stupid piece of plastic that is slowing me down.

"I'm having a problem here and I think you should come over." She says lightly. But I can hear the nervousness in her voice.

"I was actually just about to come over." I say. Then I stop doing whatever it is that I'm doing. "Is it Ashley?" I ask quietly. My heart skips a beat. My mind wanders to all of the worst possible scenarios. Car accidents. Hospitals. Tornadoes. Vampires.

"Yes, yes, but stop breathing so heavily it's fine." Kyla rushes out, reading my mind like she always can. "She's just really drunk and she won't let me in her room. I just- look, I just don't want her to do anything stupid."

"I'll be right there." I feel like the worst person in the world when I smile. It's horrible, but I am just thankful it is not something that could potentially be so much worse. Ashley has done this before, so I try to calm my breathing by telling myself I know how to handle it.

I bound down my stairs and grab the car keys.

"And where are you going?" My mother asks me, walking out of the kitchen with a glass of milk in her hand. This is the first thing she has said to me since I gave my "speech."

I look roughly at her. I'm so done with all of her bullshit. I'm just mad it took me so long to realize I don't care about her. Because if she cared about me how I thought she did, she wouldn't be like this. This wouldn't be happening. She would have spoken to me when I told her all those things.

But she never did.

"I'm going to Ashley's house, mother. My girlfriend, who I'm in love with." I say evenly while putting my jacket on.

My mom snorts and sneers at me. "I don't think so." She says.

My heart pounds hard and a smirk appears on my face, I can feel it. "I don't give a flying fuck what you think." I hiss at her.

The last thing I hear as I walk out of the door is the glass she was holding smash to the ground.

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"What's going on?" I ask Kyla hurriedly as she lets me in the house. I throw my purse and jacket on the couch in the living room.

Kyla sighs heavily. I see the worry in her eyes. "She went out with Aiden and Court and apparently drank way too much. They brought her home about an hour ago. She was insisting that she go to your house to apologize and fix everything, but I was so not letting her do that in a drunken state."

"Why the hell did they let her drink that much?" I ask Kyla roughly as I head upstairs.

She shrugs. "You know those two, they're like in their own separate world when they're together. Like you and Ash."

My heart flutters at her words and I frown.

Kyla continues. "And you know, Spencer, you two are so stupid. This whole huge blow-out or whatever."

"Kyla." I say evenly. "I know."

"You obviously can't function without each other-"

"I know." I cut her off.

"Good. And I know my sister can be an ass, but she does love you. And you love her, for whatever reason that may be." She says to me when we get to Ashley's bedroom door. "Ashley!?" Kyla yells into the door.

I hear nothing inside. And then I hear Ashley's voice, hard and rough, and slightly slurred. "Fuck off Kyla!"

Kyla looks at me pointedly. I take the library card out of my back pocket. The one I knew I would be needing to open the door. I jiggle it by the lock in between the wall and the door.

Once the door slides open just a little bit I take a breath.

"Good luck." Kyla says quietly and kisses my cheek. With that, she heads downstairs.

I walk into the room slowly and close the door behind me. I'm guessing that the lump under the covers of her bed is Ashley.

"Ash?" I say quietly as I approach her. I slip my shoes off, putting them at the end of her bed.

The lump shifts just a tiny bit. "Spencer?" She says in a slurred voice.

I sit down on the bed next to her. Her whole body including her head is under the covers. All I can see are some wild, brown curls slipping out. I stop myself from laughing.

This is so not the time.

"Yeah it's me." I say softly, moving the cover to expose her head. Her face is buried in a pillow, and then it is looking up at me with the saddest brown eyes I have ever seen in my life.

If I thought my heart was broken before, I was, again, wrong. The sight of those eyes makes it break.

She doesn't say anything for a moment and I see her eyes go in and out of focus.

"I don't feel good." Ashley mumbles, her eyes still on mine. They never leave mine.

I frown slightly. "I know baby." I bring my hand to run it through her messy curls, massaging her scalp lightly. Her eyes flutter at the motion.

"I need you." Ashley says lightly as her hand grabs at my shirt, trying to pull me closer.

I feel my eyes getting watery. "I need you too." I whisper.

I lay myself down next to her, getting under the covers and pull her body so that I'm holding her against me. I hear her let out a small whimper when her body meets mine. I can feel her heart beating extremely fast and hard against me.

"Ashley, can you try and breathe steadily for me?" I ask her softly as I press a kiss to the side of her head.

"Okay." She mumbles from my shoulder. I feel her grip me tighter to her, though she is very tense in my arms. Her hands are desperately clinging to my back. Her breathing on my neck is slowly starting to calm down. "Spence?" She asks quietly.

"Yeah?" I whisper to her, rubbing soft circles on her back.

"Will you stay here with me?" She asks in an amazingly sober voice.

My heart flutters again and I close my eyes. "I'm not leaving you."

I feel her relax totally into my body and her breathing go back to normal.

When I wake up, I find myself squished warmly into Ashley's side with my arm draped over her stomach. My eyes open and they are met with hers. Ashley does not even cover the fact that she was watching me, and it makes me blush.

"How do you feel?" I ask groggily. I'm afraid to move my arms or my body. I'm afraid she might pull away.

"I'm okay." She says in a hoarse, quiet voice.

She never breaks her eyes away from mine and that gives me the confidence to pull her into me more. My hand across her stomach rubbing her side.

"Ashl-" I start to say but she cuts me off abruptly.

"I can't live without you Spencer." She blurts out quickly.

It is impossible to stop the smile that is spreading across my face. "Way to be dramatic, Ash." I say lightly, touching my forehead to hers.

She rolls her eyes and I see her smile. That smile that makes my heart swell and melt with love for this girl all at the same time.

"I just thought you should know." She says, her eyes twinkling.

"I can't live without you either. I am so sorry." I whisper. I bring my mouth to kiss her cheek, then her forehead. "I love you so much." I say against the side of her nose. And I kiss her other cheek and the very side of her mouth.

I hear Ashley let out a weird little whimpering sound and then she rolls me on top of her. Her hands on the small of my back. "I love you too. And I'm the one who's sorry. For being an idiot. For totally attacking you when you needed me. God, I'm so sorry. " She says huskily.

I bring both of my hands to the sides of her face. I kiss the other edge of her mouth and along her jaw line. I kiss where her ear and jaw connect.

"What about Paula?" Ashley moans out as I kiss her ear.

"You're all that matters to me. I told her, that nothing would ever keep me from you. Nothing." I whisper to her neck right before I kiss the soft, delicious skin there, too.

I feel Ashley's hand go under my chin to bring my face to hers. And then she kisses me. Jesus, I missed this. Softly at first and then deeper. I moan into her mouth when her tongue meets mine and I feel myself start to tingle and ache all over. Ashley's hands move up and under my shirt, scratching my back softly. It just adds to the immense arousal I am feeling right now. And when they go inside my pants to grab my ass I grunt into her soft mouth.

"God, I love you so much Spencer." Ashley moans when I lick her neck lightly. Her hands are still in my pants, rocking me against her lightly.

I smile lightly and kiss her lips again. "I missed you." I tell her, my eyes meeting hers.

"Show me." Ashley murmurs and kisses me again, with much more urgency than before.

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I cling to Ashley tightly as we make our way downstairs. We haven't let go of each other since I got into her bed last night. We couldn't.

"Glen?" I say as I see my blonde, curly-haired brother standing in the kitchen.

"Spencer?" He says, looking at me holding tightly to Ashley.

"What are you doing here?" I ask as I finally let go of Ashley and go get a drink.

Glen shrugs. "Kyla called this morning, she was still worried." He glances at Ashley. "I guess everything is fine now."

Ashley beams at him. "Yeah, it is." She says.

"Where's Kyla?" I ask him

"In the bathroom I think. You know, I think mom lost the ability to speak after you left the house, I thought she was going to start screaming, but she was just silent for a really long time. And she broke that glass." Glen chuckles.

I smirk. "Oh yeah? Were you home?"

Glen nods and the laughs. "I would have loved to have seen her face when you said that."

"Me too." I laugh. "I just left."

Ashley looks at me from where she is sitting on the counter. "What? What did you say?"

Glen chuckles and I blush a little bit. "She asked me where I was going. I told her I was going to my girlfriend's house who I love. She said I don't think so, and then I said, um, I said I don't give a fuck what she thinks. And then I left." I finish, smiling slightly at the shocked expression on her face.

"A flying fuck, I believe it was." Glen laughs deeply.

"Glen! There's a spider!" Kyla's voice yells from the bathroom. Glen sighs and then smiles a little bit as he leaves.

Ashley is still sitting on the counter, smirking at me.

"What?" I ask nervously as I walk over.

She pulls me in between her legs and runs her fingers along my collarbone. "You really said that?"

"Yes." I tell her seriously. "And I meant every single word." Ashley breaks into a wide smile, her nose scrunching up. I place my hands gently on her thighs and rub them softly.

"She probably had a stroke." Ashley chuckles, her gorgeous chocolate eyes twinkling brightly at me.

I laugh. "I don't think so. But I think it knocked her on her ass a little bit."

"Finally." Ashley says and rolls her eyes as she pulls me into her to hug me. I rest my head on her shoulder as her fingers rub the back of my neck. She lets out a content sigh when I kiss her neck softly.

"Come on." Ashley says quietly after a while, hopping down from the counter and taking my hand in hers. She starts to drag me back upstairs. "We have time to make up in my bed."

That is fine with me. Definitely fine.

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