A/N: hi!! okay so here's the first 5 chapters!! yay! finally huh? so, i have a few more chapters ready to go, but i'm not posting until i get reviews. =] i know its mean, i'm sorry but i want to know people are reading this story before i waste my time posting it ya know? k bye

FIVE

Two months. That's how long he's been gone. I prefer not to say his name, and everyone else around me is surprisingly okay with that. They don't even mind when I come home every night past two am, half drunk, stumbling all over the place. Jake and I have become good buddies for that. He lets me drink away the sorrows, and cry on his shoulder. The crying part doesn't happen so often anymore. I've discovered alcohol is a great remedy for pain. It numbs you. I feel nothing when I'm drinking. Excellent.

It was inevitable that I'd be a drunk anyways right? I mean, my dad was.. so why not me too? It doesn't bother Jacob. He told me he'd rather see me drunk and half way functioning than a the shell I was the first two weeks after he left. In his words, he said drunken Bella is better than no Bella at all. Amen to that! Today, however, I'm stuck at home. Alone, and completely sober. Jake had to work, so I'm holding myself captive in my room. My head hurt, my heart hurt worse, and I was fading away quickly. I wanted out of this mess. I just didn't know how to get myself out. Alice swore up and down that it would happen, and soon. But, I didn't believe much of anything Alice said anymore.

She'd told me too many times that he was coming back, and he never did. At least not here. He stayed in motels in Port Angeles. Never here anymore. Whatever. I didn't need him anyway. I had Jake, and beer. Well, usually. Today was just an off day. That's all. I could feel that little black void threatening to overpower me again, like it had so many days before. I wasn't strong enough to stop it, and too weak even to try. I reached for my phone, and dialed Jake's number. And because my life sucks, he did not answer. So, I lay there, curled up in a fetal position, and let the darkness overcome me. It was better this way.

"Bella." I reveled in the sound of that sweet, silken voice. How long had it been since I'd heard it? Too long, far too long in deed. "Edward." I mumbled in return. I knew I was dreaming, but that was okay. Anything to hear that velvety voice again.

"Bella, you need to wake up." He whispered quietly. I whimpered, and snuggled deeper into the covers. No way was I going to wake up now! I was finally having a good dream about him, instead of the usual ones where he's gone. "Just a little longer okay? If I wake up right now, you'll be gone." I whispered back. He chuckled, which in turn caused me to smile as well. I never could resist his laugh, no matter how small. "Bella, Edward isn't here. He hasn't been for awhile. It's Jacob. Come on, Bella wake up."

My eyes opened instantly. Of course he isn't here, why would he be? "What do you want Jacob?" I asked, more harshly than I intended. Can you blame me? I was dreaming of Edward, and wake up to.. my friend. I think I deserve to be a little cranky.

"Let's go out tomorrow night okay?" Jake stated, sitting next to me on the bed.

I cocked my eyebrow, and replied, "You came all the way over here to ask me that?"

"Yeah, kinda." He laughed with a shrug.

"Why do you wanna do anything? You've been perfectly content lately." I asked suspiciously.

"Because it's been two months, and I'm tired of watching you self destruct." He explained quickly. "Come on, we'll go out, sober, and you if you don't like or aren't having fun, we'll come back and get smashed." He finished with a smirk.

I smiled back at him, and thought about it for a minute. He has been very patient with me lately, and he's been a great friend. I could do one night completely sober for him right? I mean, I was sober all day today, and it wasn't.. that bad. I agreed to go with him, kissed his cheek, and went back to bed. Not long after he left, Alice came waltzing into my room and plopped down on my bed.

"Something is going to happen tomorrow Bella. Maybe you shouldn't go. It worries me that I can't see what it is. Don't go, please Bella." She whispered.

I snorted. "Alice, you've been telling me for weeks now that Edward would come back for, and he hasn't. You've also been telling me that I'm going to quit drinking and being a mess, and I haven't. So forgive me for not believing you now. Not to mention, Jake has been there for me lately, which is more than I can say for you." I snapped.

The moment it was out, I wished I could take it back. She didn't deserve this. "I'm sorry Alice. I didn't mean it." I whispered, smacking a hand over my mouth.

"No, you're right. I haven't been around for you. I guess I figured I lost one sibling, what was one more? Can you blame me? Who wants to hang around a drunken bitch all the time? Except for Jake, of course, but that's probably only because you're a whore now, too right?"

She was gone before I could blink. Stupid vampire. I cried myself to sleep that night, but for a much different reason than usual. This time, because the truth hurts more than anything. I felt like a whore, a dirty rotten whore. Jake and I had never had sex, but we'd done.. other things. Stupid girl.

A/N:oh yeah, I dont own twilight